Yikes! What is this - three posts in a week? It's like I'm back! :) I hope that's the case - I sure have missed you.
So, last night was my Weight Watchers meeting; I'm down another 0.6 pounds.
Since joining Weight Watchers in May, I've lost 8 pounds. 8 pounds in three months.
When you average that out, it's like I've lost 0.6 pounds per week. That's a far cry from what I did last time. Last time I was on the WW plan, I lost an average of 1.5 pounds a week. I rocked the hell out of that plan. Every month, I got a new 5 pound star.
Until I didn't.
This time, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm no longer hungry.
Take today - I still have 12 points that I'm supposed to eat today. But I wasn't hungry enough to eat them all. I had salmon sashimi, a salad, a few servings of fruit, a cheeseburger (kid's size from McDonalds), cheese, crackers, yogurt, and my breakfast mug sandwich. I only used 29 points today - which is below what someone who is at their goal weight (for my height) should be eating.
Yesterday I went over points because I was especially hungry last night.
Oh hello, law of averages. How I've missed you.
Truthfully, I don't track often. I am trying to listen to my body more; trying to trust myself more when it comes to food. Sometimes that means I eat more; sometimes I eat less. It usually depends on the quality of food (nutrition) that I eat.
So basically, I'm okay with taking this slowly. I'm enjoying the process of trying new foods, new recipes, new cooking, and new snacks. I'm enjoying the inquiry into how my body feels when I fuel it with different items.
Last Monday I had a big meal (still within plan) at PF Changs but it was SO tasty! And I was really craving it.
I love that I don't have to deprive myself to lose weight. I love that I can still enjoy things that are decadent. I'm talking to you, Peanut Butter Frozen Yogurt (currently available at Pinkberry).
Mostly, I'm constantly surprised at me being constantly surprised at how much I really like veggies.
Every time I even start to think that I *should* be losing weight faster, I remember all the diets I've been on - crash or otherwise. I remember all the sizes I've been in my adult life. And I try to remember that I am learning things about myself, each week, such that I can be the healthiest me possible.
That endeavor will undoubtedly lead to smaller fun pants. But in the meantime, I sure am going to enjoy the ride.
If that means it takes longer, so be it. I'm in this for the long haul, baby.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Yikes! What is this - three posts in a week? It's like I'm back! :) I hope that's the case - I sure have missed you.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Well, hello there!
I apologize if my last post sounded like I was whining about the lack of comments on the previous post. In fact, if that was the message, it was the exact opposite of what I was trying to convey. I really felt fine that there were so few comments on the post in question. I loved that that post was still profound for me even if it didn’t resonate with other people. The fact that I was completely okay with it was a huge aha moment – one that I felt good about acknowledging.
Basically, I’ve just started to realize all of the ways that I’ve been chasing love.
I came to a lot of this realization while doing EMDR in my therapy the past few months. I became aware of all of the ways that I traditionally give (and give...and give...and give) in order to be loved in return. I’ll save you the back story, but there have been many times that I’ve ingratiated myself in order to feel more worthy in someone else’s eyes.
In my case, my father didn’t want children. He’s awkward and fairly selfish. I learned at a young age that if I wanted him to be around me at all, I had better act in a way that wouldn’t piss him off and make him leave. This meant listening to his problems and his issues – even when they made me feel uncomfortable. This meant controlling my own feelings so that they wouldn’t show. It meant me being only happy around him – but not too happy. That was annoying.
It’s amazing how kids learn to adapt to get love.
Is it any coincidence that I would search for men that I had to do the same things to and around? Familiarity is a wonderful thing.
Unfortunately, this also means that I turn away guys that like me from the get go. I mean, if they like me so much, then they don’t get that I need to earn their love…so they’re not acceptable. I’ve internalized that they must be flawed to like me so much. In short: what is wrong with them that they have liked a screw up like me?
So THAT is what I’ve been working on this summer.
I’ve learned that I’m worth loving just how I am. I’ve learned that there isn’t anything wrong with me. And most importantly, I’ve learned that I don’t need to chase love down – to try to tag it so it will turn around and chase me back.
Probably if I would’ve done this work before I met Joe I wouldn’t have continued to date him much past the two or three month mark. Probably I would’ve picked someone else entirely at the speed dating event.
But the truth is, I’ve felt so much love from Joe in the two years we’ve been dating - and it’s because of that love that I’ve been able to challenge some of my beliefs. He’s reinforced through words and actions that I’m great, beautiful, smart and strong. He has shown me more love than any other man in my life.
It just may not be enough. Or more specifically, it just may be that his issues dovetail so thoroughly with issues with my dad. It may be that I’m especially needy in this area – one that he’s especially weak in. And vice versa.
Can you see why this is a tough decision? So no, I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I owe it to myself to not do that. Because if you’re anything like me, you know that after you end a relationship, it’s easy to second guess all the decisions you’ve ever made. It’s easy to see all the ways you were intolerant of someone else’s flaws. It’s easy to blame yourself for throwing away a perfectly good relationship. What I want to do is explore all the possibilities, try all the ways I can, collect data (hello, I’m an engineer), and understand how I feel. That way I know that in the wee hours of the night when “The Voice” tells me how stupid I was and how much being alone sucks, I can whisper back that I made the right decision and that time heals all wounds.
Thank you for the outpouring of your support. Thank you for the encouragement.
I’ve been a sh!tty blog friend the last few months. I promise to comment more on your blogs – to show you the love and support that I feel for you and your journeys.
* As an aside, THIS is why I’ve struggled so much with religion recently. I was raised in a Christian household, specifically in the Lutheran denomination. Since before I could remember, I was taught that Jesus loved us even though we did bad things. We sinned because we were human; we had something bad in us that only Jesus and God could take away.
The problem with this is that when you pray and pray and pray for the pain to stop and it doesn’t – even from someone who is supposed to be All Knowing and love you more than anything, it’s hard to believe that you are worth saving. If you were worth saving, why wouldn’t you be saved already? Why wouldn’t you be delivered from evil? It’s hard to believe that the black spot of humanity isn’t just a bit bigger in you and that somehow you deserved all the pain and suffering you were currently enduring. After all, if God can move mountains how hard would it have been for him to put some healthy adults in my life so that I could go to them with my burdens?
I’m not trying to get into a philosophical debate – or even challenge your faith. I believe that there is a Higher Power that wants us to be happy and loved. I believe that we are deserving of good things simply because we are human and were created out of love. I believe in God (and Jesus) still. I just don’t believe that man has it right when he says that “everything happens for a reason.” I guess I believe I grew up with some really sh!tty luck. I suppose it had to happen to someone; I just drew the short straw.
Written by Happy Fun Pants at 10:23 AM
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Somewhere along the way, I figured that I should only ask for things I need, instead of stuff I want. I’m trying to unpack why that is with my therapist, but as I look back on my adult life, that’s mostly true.
For those that know me, you may be wanting to protest otherwise. But the truth is, I can make decisions about almost anything, but I weigh what I want into the mix pretty lightly. If it’s something I need (like air, gas, food, temperature control, etc), I can usually voice my concern. If there’s something I want but I’m paying for it or I’m responsible for it, I can usually figure out what I want and go with it.
But what I want from others, especially if it is at a cost (financially or emotionally) to them? Well, that’s a much different story.
For instance, picking out pieces to play on a board game. If I know that some piece or color is your favorite, I’ll pick that out for you and then I’ll pick amongst the leftovers. If I know you don’t like a certain type of food, I’ll suggest a different restaurant so that you’ll feel more comfortable.
The thing is, I rarely lobby for what I want. If someone else is involved, I don’t have a problem lobbying for them – wants and needs alike.
I sound like a pretty nice person, don’t I? Well, I’m not. At least not to myself.
If I always focus on what I need to do or on my obligations, I rarely feel spoiled. And if I don’t voice what I want, it’s next to impossible for someone to spoil me. If I'm always accomodating others, whether they've asked for it or not, I'm not treating myself like a priority.
And what does that leave me with? Well, 80 extra pounds of fat, for one.
Why? I've chosen, over the last few decades, to spoil myself with food rather than the actual acts of kindness that I truly want. Mostly by my own doing.
These days, one of the things I’m trying to be VERY conscious of is the question, “What do I want?” And when I can, I’m trying to choose what *I* want.
Here’s a few examples:
Joe received great seats to a baseball game from his employer. But I really don’t like baseball. I’ve tried, and I just don’t like it. Plus, it’s on a Thursday night. And honestly? I’d way rather be watching the newest episode of Project Runway. But he feels like he needs to go, and even though I suggested that he go with another friend, he wants me to go. So I will.
However, I still have choices that night. If I want to eat beforehand so I’m not forced to eat things that I don’t really want, I can do so. If I want to, I get to choose to take a nap before the game because I know it’ll be a late night. When it comes down to it, I get to choose lots of stuff – including my attitude.
Another example is our weekend breakfast routine. Joe wants to eat out for breakfast. He also wants to sleep in and cuddle until noon. And then he wants to take his time getting ready. This means that we typically won’t eat our first meal until 1 or 2. And I usually snack on almost anything to keep me not so hungry that I am crabby, but not so full that I'm full when we eat.
And honestly? That kind of drives me crazy. Because in the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve never said to him that I like to get up at 8 or 9. I like to have some time to myself to do things that I want to do. So really, who’s fault is it that I’ve been doing what we wants rather than asking for what I want?
Last weekend, we cuddled and then I got up to read a book. Later, while he was bumbling around the apartment, I had a bowl of cereal (gasp!) and he chose to skip breakfast. The world didn’t end, and he didn’t dump me. Go figure. He got to cuddle and I got to eat.
I think that's called peace.
This weekend I got up early, walked to our nearby coffee place, purchased a latte and a Sunday paper. I leisurely read the paper, cut the coupons, and organized them. Hours later when he woke up, we went out to breakfast.
I’m finding that I’m loving recognizing that I have a choice in things. And that it’s perfectly all right to choose stuff that I want or to choose to voice my wants. I can still be contentious about other’s feelings, but I don’t have to always squelch what I want to make others feel loved.
Because really, aren’t we all worth spoiling – even if just a little? And don’t you feel more capable of making it through all the things you HAVE to do when you get to choose things that you WANT from time to time?
Lastly, I’m trying to be conscious of not just what I eat, but how I eat. If I don’t want to rush through a meal, I don’t have to. I can take my full lunch hour. I can not multi-task by talking to friends or family during my dinner. I can CHOOSE to get up earlier so I’m not scarfing down my breakfast while cursing at other drivers.
Realizing that I get a choice in lots of things is pretty empowering, even if it’s still unfamiliar. But like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it, I’m finding it’s getting a bit easier with time.