Smaller Fun Pants

Which way is the music??

2012-01-24T10:18:00.002-07:00

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting last night and gained back almost all of the weight that I've lost.

Before I stepped on the scale, my leader asked me, "So...how are things?" And I gave her the most honest reply I could - being, "I don't want to talk about it."

I still struggle with feeling judged when I step on the scale. Probably because I still struggle with judging myself based on the number on the scale. But I didn't feel like discussing all that. I didn't feel like having a heavy conversation last night.

So I weighed. I updated my weight loss tracker at the top of this page. I stayed for the meeting. I listened to other people's successes. And my mood lightened and I started to shed the harsh judgements that only I heap on myself.

I got the weigh in sticker that indicated that I gained and you know what? The world didn't stop turning. No one on the street (or even in the meeting) gasped at me or shielded me from their baby's gaze.

Huh. Go figure.

So I gained. It's done. All I can do is come up with a plan for today and for this week.

My plan for this week? Track. I do better when I track...and I'm not just talking about weight loss (though they seem to go hand in hand). When I track, I have a moment to plan, to slow down, and process what it is that I really want.

Last night I met a friend at a restaurant near my meeting...and when I got there, I was famished. I ate half of the appetizer, half of my entree (but all of the sweet potato fries - yum!). And had half of the dessert.

But before I went, I checked out some points values online and I did a pretty good job picking things that wasn't as high in points as others. This morning, I counted my points, figured out just how many weekly points I blew through, and then started planning for today.

And today? I'm going to Famous Dave's for lunch with an ex-coworker. But I've planned out the meal - not picking the "easy" and "diety" go-to choice of just salad (and wow...you might be surprised at some of those point values on the salads).

I'm having ribs, garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli. All for 11 points.

Tonight? I'm having baked tortilla crusted tilapia with veggies and couscous. Or maybe a veggie wrap made with hummus, guacamole, and fresh cut peppers,carrots, and cucumbers in a high fiber fold-up. I'll decide tonight based on if I want a hot or cold dinner.

I like having a plan. The engineer in me loves being a bit anal retentive. But the rebellious teenager in me also loves being able to have variety and tasty food without feeling like I'm on a diet. I like that I can have both.

What's your plan of attack this week?

Adapt. Grow. Evolve.

2012-01-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm prepared for a gain. Perhaps even the full 7.2 pounds that I lost two weeks ago.

Here's the thing. I totally deserve the gain...just as much as I had deserved the loss up until that point.

I have eaten such vast amounts of crap in the last two weeks...and you know what? I've felt craptastic. Completely lethargic, depressed, and funk-i-fied. The mood started before the food...but let's be honest, the addictive food hasn't exactly helped things, has it?

I've eaten stuff that normally never crosses my threshold and I've eaten it in abundance.

Go figure why the scale simply must read significantly more than it did two weeks ago (last week was MLK and my center was closed).

So what to do?

Well, I COULD eat like complete crap for the next week. I COULD follow this trend.

Or I could actually eat better and feel better. I could feel more in control and realize that I am not victim to whatever comes into my mouth. I get to choose what goes there and what doesn't.

Just like I'm not a victim of anything else in my life.

In related news, I'm breaking up with Adele's Album "21." It's moved past cathartic and into a moping stage for me...and I don't think that it's helping much. It's powerful. And sad. And it's easy to dwell on the things I miss rather than the things I have.

My gosh.

Isn't that important anyway? Rather than focusing on the things we are desiring in our minds (and mouths) that will only lead to unhappiness, let's ingest the things that are in front of us and healthy.

Let's let go of the obsessive thoughts about things that have been and instead focus on the good that is to come.

Adapt. Grow. Evolve.

Things I love: Sugar-Free Syrups

2012-01-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, I used to frequent my local Starbucks most mornings on my way to work.

I'd get a Skinny Vanilla Latte in varying sizes and it was my own very special treat to start the day. The skinny latte was less points/calories/fat/sugar than what I could get out of the machine at work. And since there was no coffee pot where I was living, Starbucks seemed like a viable option.

Is here where I say that I cannot afford daily Starbucks trips? Okay then.

picture from amazon.com

When I moved into my new place at the end of September, I had a plan. One of the first things I unpacked was my coffee machine - and the second was opening a box with six different varieties of sugar-free syrups made by Torani.

I LOVE to make my own coffee now. Sometimes I use flavored coffees (Dunkin' Donuts' Seasonal Vanilla Nut is my current favorite) but I always use a squirt or two of the sugar-free syrups.

First, the variety is nice because it means that it's just one more thing in my day that I get to choose - not have to endure. I like feeling empowered - and even if it's just with a stupid syrup in the morning, I feel good about getting to pick what I want.

I set up each bottle with it's own pump (I have six bottles but only five pumps - bummer!) and they're neatly stored in my pantry - just waiting to be used.

I haven't even come close to using even one bottle fully - and since I only have five pumps, I haven't even touched the raspberry flavor.* So these bottles (at least for me) seem to last a LOOOONG time. Some of the reviews on Amazon indicate that people don't like the Splenda flavor - but I haven't noticed it...probably because I don't use a lot of the syrup...just one pump (or if I'm mixing I use a half pump of one flavor and a half pump of another) in my travel mug is all I need. They're just a few calories and 0 Points Plus value.

Now, I've read some articles about the benefits of limiting sugar AND sugar-free items from our diets. I fully believe those studies and claims. Which is why I try to limit my sugar/sugar substitute intake. Coffee is one of those things that I love to have just a bit of sweetness in and I don't see myself deviating from that any time soon.

*Sugar-Free Raspberry syrup...yours for the taking for FREE. Just pay shipping (I have no idea what this would be but it can't be much, right?) and I'll get it to you. It's never been opened or used...I just don't think I'd enjoy it in my coffee. Send me an email at happyfunpants [at] gmail [dot]com and I'll be happy to send it to you.

And also? No one from Amazon or Torani knows I'm writing this review. I wasn't compensated in any way...just wanted to share something that I like. :)

It's funny what dedication can do...

2012-01-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

I lost 7.2 pounds this week! :)

I'm super happy right now. Not because it's a big loss (although, let's be honest, that feels awesome). Not because it's a lower number (although if my goal is to weigh less, this is a great start). Not even because I got a five pound sticker.

But because I said I was going to do something and I did it. Even when it was hard. Even while having three dates - one of which was to watch the Broncos at our stadium for the playoff win (hello, beer and fatty foods much?).

What I love most is how I feel. I have more energy and I just feel better inside my own skin. I'm not as lethargic and I'm sleeping better.

So how'd I do it?

Well, first, I tracked every single thing I ate. Even when I overate. I counted up the points whether I was within my target or not. I think having to write down every bite helped me be more accountable and mindful of what was going in my mouth. It made me pause and ask if I was really hungry or if I was feeling something else.

Some days I ate past my points target. But invariably, the next day I under ate. Not that it was intentional...it's just the way my body was. One day I was super hungry and the next I wasn't.

So what'd I learn?

That I can trust my body. I still need to eat when hungry. And I need to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry. I need to be aware of where my calories are coming from - are they coming from higher protein foods so that I'll be satisfied longer? Or are they coming from "empty" calories that probably won't last?

I learned that every day, without fail so far, I'm hungry at 10:15 AM. So I have a snack prepared. Sometimes it's a hard boiled egg. Sometimes it's a piece of fruit. But whatever it is, I have it ready to eat at 10:15. Trying to white-knuckle it to lunch time leaves me feeling deprived. Eating a snack mid-morning helps me feel more satisfied at lunch time.

My goal for this next week is to just keep tracking. Typically tracking isn't my strong point, but I think that it's very helpful to be aware of what is going in my body. It helps me ask questions like "Is this going to fuel me until I eat again?" "Am I hungry or do I want something else?" "What else have I eaten today that is healthy?"

Those questions (I think) are good no matter what program you're following or implementing.

It's week two of the new year, people. How are YOU doing?

Review on the new WW Barcode App

2012-01-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, I was standing in line to be weighed at my Weight Watchers meeting and a fellow buddy and I were talking about the WW app for our iPhones.

I made the statement that what would be REALLY cool is if you could scan the bar codes on the products and WW would automatically calculate the points.

Obviously, I don't think that WW is bugging their weigh in lines, but they created the app that I was talking about!

Here's what I know about the app:

1) First of all, it's a separate app. You have to download it separately. All of the people in my meeting didn't know. I suspect that has everything to do with the fact that the average person in my meeting is at an age where smart phones aren't exactly "their thing."

2) It works!

You just align the red bar with the bar code and viola! It gives you your points plus values in just a few seconds.

I took it to the store last week and used it. I wanted to get some chocolate pudding from the store and given the nine thousand different varieties, it would've normally taken me a few minutes to enter all the values into my calculator on the app and try to remember which value belonged with which product. With the bar code scanner, I had my answers within a few seconds and easily picked out the one I wanted.

The cool thing about the scanner is that after you scan the bar code, it actually shows you a mini picture of the product with the description. It's helpful because it makes it much easier to keep separate items straight when you're comparing points plus values.

To give you an example, I just scanned in my Crystal Light package and put the picture to the right.

Also, if you ever wondered what my keyboard at work looks like, now you know. See? I'm a giver.

3) I wish that it was an upgrade to the current WW app and not a separate one. First, you have to log in every time you use it (the app remembers your user name and password so this isn't a huge deal), but it's just weird that you have to switch back and forth between this app and the regular app to see all of your stuff.

Overall, I'm thrilled with this app and I'm glad that Weight Watchers is striving to make their already award-winning program easier to use.

Get back up!

2012-01-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

"Success consists of getting back up just one more time than you fall." -- Oliver Goldsmith

It's one thing to start out the new year saying that you're going to stick to a new game plan. The fresh vow and promise of a new future are alluring. And it's exciting to get caught up in the momentum and the thoughts of what could be.

Until you hit your first snag or setback.

Weight loss is simple...but it definitely isn't easy all the time.

Monday night I had plans with a friend for sushi. I'm not going to lie to you, I ate/drank most of my weekly flext points that night at dinner but it was awesome. But I tracked all the points.

Tuesday I tracked and stayed within my points range.

But Wednesay night? That's a whole other story.

It started with me going to Costco this weekend. I tried a sample of this broccoli slaw salad and although it was heavily dressed, I figured I could just use less dressing. So I bought the jumbo sized bag.

Well, Wednesday night, I saw the broccoli slaw and thought that that would make a great appetizer. Only when I looked at the nutrition label I was stumped because the serving size was the whole bag. And the "bag" included all the veggies, but also dried cranberries, cashews, and the dressing. I estimated the points to the best of my ability and found that I had already gone over my points for the day.

But I was still sooooo hungry!

So I ate.

While I think it's good that we eat when we're hungry, I didn't even make the best choices. Once I realized that I was over my points target, I indulged a bit more.

I found myself being disappointed. I didn't even follow the plan two days in a row. Honestly? I felt like a failure, if only a little bit.

At the end of the night, I ended up 12 points in the hole for the week. Especially frustrating since I know that it's going to be difficult to stay within my points range this weekend.

But just like every other day before, the night ended. And Thursday, in the light of the new morning, I realized I had it in me to stay on track - at least for that day. Besides, that's all I really have control of anyway, right? Yesterday has passed. Today we can start again.

Thursday night ended with me being a bit under points. Why? Because I wasn't as hungry.

So the thing that I'm happy about today? Not that I ate less points yesterday than the day before. Not that I feel so much better today than what I did a week ago by eating less junk.

I'm thrilled that I started over on Thursday morning; I started with the very next meal. I thought about what might have contributed to my extreme hunger the night before and then I front loaded my day with more protein and points so that I wasn't famished by the time I got home.

I think I'm starting to realize that failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up.

Things I love: Ice Cubes

2012-01-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

People, I'm going to tell you something that you probably already know: I have a sweet tooth.

And unfortunately, I've indulged it VERY OFTEN in the last few weeks.

Christmas candy? Don't mind if I do! Baked goods at work? Yes, please! And I'm not even going to tell you just how many POUNDS of Skittles I've eaten.

Some of the addiction has been the sugar. And some of it has been the desire to put something in my mouth and chew it,

I've seen the ads for the Extra Desserts gums and I think I've tried every flavor out there. Some are WAY better than others (Strawberry Shortcake = pretty good but Key Lime Pie = nastiness).

In my opinion, the Extra Desserts gum flavors fade pretty quickly and they don't have the texture of the gum that is my preference.

But this weekend, when I went to Costco (and did not buy any Skittles), I saw a multi-pack of Ice Cubes made by Ice Breakers.

The flavors that I've tried so far are yummy, they last a long time, and they have more of a springy (traditional smooth gum) texture that I heart.

At 0 calories per cube, they're being my go-to sugar and mouth hungry fix.

Personally, I chew two cubes at a time (I always chew two pieces at a time of pretty much any gum...what? I have a big mouth!) for maximum awesomeness.

What I also love about the variety pack was the range of flavors...because sometimes I'm wanting something fruity and sometimes having something minty helps me feel more satisfied and finished with my meal.

Like I wrote previously, I know what I have to do to lose the weight. I just have to do it. And this is one way to get a sweet tooth or distract my mouth hunger long enough to get past the cravings.

I don't think cravings are bad or that I should always deprive myself. But balance is important. With tools like these pieces of gum, I feel like I can be better equipped with choosing which times I want to indulge and which times I don't.

Do you believe?

2012-01-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

The topic at my Weight Watcher meeting last night was belief.

As in, the popular quote from Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”

I know what my leader was trying to do. She was trying to get us to harness the Jennifer Hudson or Charles Barkley in all of us...she was trying to help us see that with belief we can do anything!

Only that's not really true, is it?

A 17 year old can believe and harness the power of the universe to get a perfect score on her SATs. But unless she actually studies and learns the material, she's going to be sorely disappointed with the results.

My point is, the universe and belief can only do so much. The rest? It's hard work.

When I joined Weight Watchers in July of 2008, I was emotionally overeating often. I couldn't stop gaining weight and I felt helpless.

I changed my behaviors such that I could lose weight. I monitored every morsel of food that went in my mouth and there were definitely days, weeks, and months where I chose unhealthier options to eat just because they were lower in points.

And then I started to get to a place where I felt good about myself. I started dating. And then all of my hard work went out the window.

Why? Because my belief system about myself was screwed up. I hadn't really changed my identity, just my behaviors.

I've been slowly gaining weight for the last year and a half.

AND I've been working on my own internal belief system.

The result is that I'm heavier but happier. And while I'd probably take me now over me a year and a half ago, I'm really unsatisfied with how I look, how I move, and how healthy I feel.

Encased in this layer of fat, it's easy for me to look in the mirror and feel discouraged. I have over 90 pounds to lose. That's the weight of an Olsen twin!

It feels daunting. It feels discouraging.

The difference is that this time I do believe that I have cleared enough emotional baggage that I can make it farther than I ever have before.

So all that's left is the doing.

Do I believe that I can keep this weight off for the rest of my life? No. But I don't not not believe it either...make sense?

And at this point, I need to just do the work. I need to count up my points, hold myself accountable, and actually move my body.

I'm a realist. And one of the biggest motivating factors for me is success. Because when I succeed, I feel like that's applicable again and again.

I may not believe (yet) that I can keep the weight off for the rest of my life. But I believe that I have the skills to take off the weight.

What's more, I believe that I'm finally worth it.

Resolutions

2012-01-02T11:02:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, I went on a really great and special date with a guy. I won't write much about him yet, since it was only our second date and I'm not quite sure where things are going, but it was a great time.

Early on in the evening, he asked me if I had any resolutions for the new year. Practical question, no? And honestly, I kind of was taken aback...because truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it.

I did say that one of the things I wanted to do more of was volunteer my time with/through organizations that I'm passionate about. And that's true. That's something that I really do want to do.

He nodded and then said, "Really? Nothing else?"

Sure, I knew that I could pepper him with lots of things I wanted to do better...but again, the second date may not really be the place to start unloading your personal baggage.

So I said that 2011 was a year of a lot of change for me. And that I'd really like to build upon those changes, those positive things that I've done, so that I can end 2012 happier and healthier than I started it.

I'm always reluctant to make New Year's Resolutions...I think, in part, because it feels like I'm making a promise. I mean, I get it, that's the point. And yet when it comes down to it, I don't like breaking promises. because then I feel guilty. And who wants to feel guilty about letting themselves down for not making ENOUGH progress?

Not me.

So maybe that's a good resolution for me: To feel guilty less often.

I asked him what his resolutions were and he actually said, "to lose five pounds." He said it twice during the evening, but to be honest, I'm not sure where he's going to get the five pounds from. He looks healthy. I'm not sure what his motivations are for saying it...if it's something that he really believes or something that he thinks everyone typically says.

Whatever the case, I don't want to lose five pounds this year. I really do want to lose more.

When he asked me out for NYE, I said yes - I mean, I really couldn't think of anyone I was more interested in. And then he told me what we'd be doing...going to a fancy steak restaurant and then a trendy party where no casual clothes are allowed.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a few heart palpitations...I mean, what in the hell was I going to wear? And since I wasn't told what the plans were until Friday morning, I didn't have a lot of places I could go to find a suitable outfit.

Because the fact of the matter is, I don't fit in the clothes that I have for such occasions, not any more.

And that, my dear friends, is a sh!tty feeling. As if you don't know.

Eventually I scrounged up something that was suitable from my existing wardrobe, but beforehand, I spent HOURS looking for a cute dress that would leave me feeling sexy and ravishing.

That dress? Apparently does not exist in Denver.

I really do hate picking myself apart in the mirrors of dressing rooms. But that can happen at any size. So maybe that's a good resolution for me: When looking at myself in a mirror, give myself mental compliments before I become critical of my flaws.

Tonight I go to my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this year. I have no clue if I've gained or lost weight. I haven't tracked or really paid attention to anything. So I'm thinking that I'll probably have gained.

BUT today I registered for two races. One is a 7K, The Runnin' O' The Green held in March. And the other is the Cherry Creek Sneak, a 5 miler held in April.

I miss running; I miss how good it makes me feel. That's a good resolution for me: Do more things that make me feel good.

And yet, those three resolutions aren't really getting to the heart of my weight problem.

So I'm going to be bold and say that I want to be dedicated to Weight Watchers and myself again.

I want to clean up my eating. I want to experiment with more foods. I want to eat less and move more.

I want to be thinner.

I want to do this the right way, but that involves holding myself accountable.

So for me, I've decided to put my weight tracker up, front and center, on my page. And I'm putting two more up - the countdown to my first 5 pound star of the year and my 10% goal. I'll put all counters up after I weigh in tonight, so the data is accurate from the get go.

I'm also putting up some reminders in my house and car. Staying focused on my goals always helps me.

The last piece of the accountability is blogging about it. Updating my weight loss here, weekly, is going to help me. It may just be a post script at the bottom of the page, but I'm going to do it. I know that disclosing the numbers will help me celebrate the small losses that I'll have. It'll build my momentum and my confidence.

If 2011 was a year of changes interally, 2012 can be my year of external changes. Doing more - to help myself and others is something I have a lot of passion for. And I can't wait to show it.

Going down...

2011-12-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

Last night I weighed in at my meeting and I found that I had lost 2.2 pounds!

Mostly, I'm excited because last week was a pretty rough week for me emotionally...and there were many times that I felt lots of different emotions even within the span of an hour.

For starters, I got a really craptastic email from Joe on Monday where I'm not sure he could've been more passive agressive should he have tried. This came in right around the same time that I received a text that brushed off Mr. Wonderful. Those came right after I found out that my boss who drives me bat-crap crazy is now coming into the office full time.

So basically, Monday kind of blew...and even though I tried to make it better, the week just never really recovered. But you know what? When I was sad, I cried. And when I was happy, I laughed. And when I wasn't hungry, I didn't eat.

That's the trend I hope to follow this week... it's so easy to say, but it's so hard to do sometimes.

So, in case there is someone else out there wondering how I did it, I'll share what helped me.

I really just tried to be aware of what I was feeling.

I've heard countless times that people should ask themselves if they're really hungry before eating something. That doesn't work for me. I can't, when faced with a delectable dessert, ask myself if I'm really hungry or (taking it a step further) what I'm really hungry for. It just doesn't work for me. I'm too flooded by saliva to make sane decisions and I usually just dig right in and tell myself that I'll try to figure it out later.

What HAS worked for me is to practice asking myself how I feel. I do it so often that I'm not even aware of me consciously having to think that.

The benefit of this regular check-in is that I'm at least partially aware of how I'm feeling before I start being faced with food.

Sometimes the answer just comes back as "tired." Well, that's great information to know and be aware of...I mean, if faced with a donut and sugar-laden coffee later, I'd probably be overly tempted to consume it. But if I'm aware that I'm tired, it's somehow easier for me to make a logical decision and pass it up.

If the answer comes back that I'm sad, I try to sit with that feeling as long as possible before "doing" something about it. I've felt that a lot this past week - and each time I've done a little something different. I've hugged my cat, I've called friends, I've watched TV, I've journaled, and I've done something nice for somoene else.

I make this distinction, of trying to be aware of my feelings rather than aware if I'm hungry, because for me THAT way is easier. I realize that it's a bit like the proverbial chicken and the egg scenario, but being aware of my feelings BEFORE temptations arise, helps me tend to myself quicker before I'm salivating and struggling with decisions.

Make sense?

This week, I have a lot of stuff going on. Lots of appointments packed into this week and get togethers with friends. Somehow I need to finish my Christmas shopping and maybe even send out Christmas cards.

So I can't promise that I'll track appropriately or even keep around my points target. But I can make a concerted effort to continue what feels right and good...and checking in with myself, being gentle and kind to myself, feels like an excellent Christmas gift.

It's a new dawn, it's a new dayyyyyyyyyy

2011-12-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

Isn't this a weight loss blog? I thought so. Then let's get to it, shall we?

Monday night, Weight Watchers unveiled it's new and improved plan. And apparently, it meant that the smaller ladies in our group had their points decreased...and I couldn't believe how upset people were (but that's a different rant for a different day).

At any rate, as my leader was talking about the changes, and people were complaining or getting cranky, I had sort of an out-of-body experience.

I realized that I have been sitting in the same seat, making jokes, being supportive, and yet pretty much at the same weight for the last 6 months, give or take a few pounds.

And as I sat there, I realized that if I didn't change something NOTHING (including my weight) was going to change.

The magic isn't in the meetings - it's in the actions.

Well, DUH.

My weight was down over two pounds each of the last two times I weighed in. And that included the week of Thanksgiving. Where I was at my mom's the whole time. Where there were candy bars, a day where I didn't get out of my fun pants, and fatty foods.

But I lost 2 pounds over Thanksgiving week. How? Well, I ramped up my activity. And I ate when I was hungry and didn't eat when I wasn't.

So this brings me back to my age old dilemma of:

Do I practice intuitive eating or do I count points?

The last time I counted points, religiously, was 6 months ago. Know what I was doing then? LOSING WEIGHT.

The last time I practiced intuitive eating I lost weight.

So pretty much both approaches work. And it's about darn time that I stop trying to force myself into anything.* And THAT is one of the reasons why I really do like the new plan. You can switch from "Simply Filling" (i.e. an intuitive eating type approach) to the points plan daily and vice versa.

So here's what I've decided - at least for this week. I'm going to pay attention to my body and eat foods that are good for me when I'm hungry. And I'll go ahead and count the points to see how it matches up.

Last night, I met up with a good friend for what was supposed to be just drinks and maybe dinner. It turned into an appetizer, a small portion of dinner, and a LOT of beer. But it was exactly what I wanted at the time. I had an awesome time...and after being brushed off by the douche canoe, I enjoyed every moment of it.

This morning, I counted up the points and realized that I used almost all of my weekly points. Eh. That's what they're for, right?

I feel good about the things that I can control and good about the things I can't.

I actually feel at harmony with things in my life...and I know that when I feel at peace, my eating is cleaner and much easier.

The whole health concept...there just might be something to it. :)

*OMG. Seriously? I heart this sentence. It's applicable to every area of my life.

Well, that sucked.

2011-12-06T08:32:00.001-07:00

Know how people are all, "Give nice guys a chance?"

For the past 15 years, thought I did... but I guess I never really did. The last few months, I've had an opportunity to look back at the guys I've chosen routinely and realized that they've all had some serious issues right from the get go.

The ones I've picked to stay with had issues with intimacy, issues with their moms, issues with their dads, or issues with me. But in all cases, they strummed a chord right on my heart strings - that chord being: "Stay. Help Me. Fix me."

And apparently that chord always works with me.

In truth, it doesn't mean that they weren't nice, but it does mean that they had some red flags.

So each time, when something ended, I found myself inching the door to the possibility of a lasting love a little more closed. I have believed that those dreams - those nice things - weren't for me.

The guys I passed up?  They were the nice ones. The guys who treated me the way I should be treated - right from the get go. But the chord that they strummed never seemed melodic to me. I chalked it up to the chemistry not being there and moved on.

Ending the relationship with Joe, was a great time to realize that the problem wasn't with ME. It's with the people I've continually picked. Which, okay, WAS with me. But hopefully you get what I mean.

I took the time to re-calibrate my heart strings. And I realized that the ones that called for help weren't quite as melodic as I had thought. And the ones that offered genuine feelings of happiness and love sounded better than I ever believed.

So this past month, when I had the opportunity to really look love in the eyes, I did.

It started with a wonderful question - something along the lines of "Are you ready, really ready to be in love? Are you ready in your heart and your mind?"

I looked within me, brushed off my newly re-vamped heart strings, and answered, "Yes."

And it was WONDERFUL. The act of falling in love is an amazing feeling. It's fast, it's all consuming, and it feels beautiful. Like my blinders have been ripped off my eyes - and now I could start to see life's full beauty - which includes ME.

I found myself peering through the crack in the door to lasting love. I found myself lured by it's charm. I started to (gasp!) hope. And when my brain tried to tell my heart to slow down, I reminded it that THIS type of story happens to others. Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?

We even said several times that it felt like we were 15 again - to feel like the whole world was ahead of us and that we could figure out anything that came our way.

To me, it felt like the first part of a drop on a roller coaster ride.  I was scared, white-knuckling it...until something inside me encouraged me to just let go; to just enjoy it.

And oh, how I enjoyed it. Because that feeling? It's amazing; intoxicating; heart-stoppingly beautiful.

Until it wasn't.

Realistically, I've recounted the weirdness of what happened many times with my friends and they all believe that something is clearly going on with him. And from the stories he told me about some of the girls that he met, they all reacted with similar disbelief when things ended. Judging from the outside looking in, this seems to be his MO.

So, logically, I know it's not me. Or maybe it is. But I know that even if his opinion of me and us changed that quickly, it doesn't have anything to do with me. Yeah, yeah...maybe he got scared...but maybe he was just playing me. Maybe he's just damaged goods with entirely too high of standards. No matter how hard I try, I can't figure out what happened.

Because to me, even if I got weird vibes or mixed messages, I'd want to ride the roller coaster again.

But eesh. It still hurts. Just like the heartbreaks of 15 year olds.

So how is it that I'm more upset about things ending with a man that I haven't known nearly long enough than ones that I've stayed with for entirely too long?

Because my heart strings strummed a song that seemed to be in tune with his (and even I puked in my mouth with how cheesy that sounded). But that tune? It was one of the most amazing things I've felt and heard.

So here I am. Sad, disappointed, and hurt. Maybe this is the rebound relationship effect. Or maybe it's because we really could've made it work.

But I do know this: I need time to repair the damage - to re-tune my heart strings and repair my pride.

So that the next time a nice guy asks if I'm really ready - for love and all the wonders it holds - I'll have the courage to say yes.  I'll have the courage to walk through that door, down the aisle, and wherever else that path leads.

An attempt to update

2011-11-30T11:07:00.001-07:00

I’m going to be honest with you…I’m not even aware of where to start.

So many changes have happened in the last few months – each deserving of their own post – and since I haven’t taken the time to write about them, it’s hard for me to figure out how to update you and still write about what’s relevant to you and the content of this blog.

I’ve decided to do things the most efficient way possible:

1) I have a cat. I KNOW! I’m that girl that said she’d never get cats. Only I also am that girl that has a hard time saying no to people that ask for help – especially when it involves animals. In July, I became the owner of Zoe – a 5 pound ball of fluff. She’s sweet, little, and more comforting than I ever thought that cats could be. And yes, I have allergies. Why should that stop me from getting a cat? Clearly it shouldn’t.

2) I’ve started running again with some regularity (meaning not going weeks between runs). Finally. I’ve missed it. I’m slower than I ever thought that I would be…probably has something to do with the extra weight I’m carrying since I was really into it. But you know? We all have to start somewhere….or rather, we all have to start back somewhere.

3) I’ve been dating. Actually, I’ve been dating kind of a lot. This is probably the top reason why posting here has been virtually non-existent. But the dating? It’s been such a fabulous experience!

I think I enjoy it so much more because I know more who I am and what I am looking for. I have a positive sense of self and it makes dating so much easier and so much more fun. Gone are the days/nights where I sit and wonder what he’s thinking and whether or not he’s into me.

It’s like I’m my very own chapter of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

The guys that show interest and then fade away? I let them. I don’t need to chase them. At the risk of sounding cocky, if they don’t recognize the quality now, then I don’t want them either.

The guys that stop asking questions and showing a strong interest in getting to know me? Forget it! I’m happy to be reciprocating of the intentions that are bestowed upon me. So if they start showing that they’re lacking in things to ask for/about, I’m just fine with also stopping the getting-to-know-you process too.

Bad kissers? Next!

Guys who just want to get in my pants? Of COURSE they do! My pants are fun! But that’s not all that I’m looking for. If they’re not making a serious effort to get to know my mind and not just my body, I feel comfortable with showing them the door. Sometimes, literally.

Dating this way is WAY more fun. And it’s much more linked to healthy lifestyles than I normally would’ve thought. If I’m not having fun, I stop.

And in the end, I’ve gone out with some really great people. It’s been great to get to know several different men and to figure out who meshes with me the best. I also think that it makes me a much more fun date.

The feeling of being pursued, desired, and valued is wonderful.

And I’m freakin’ lovin’ every minute of it.

4) As far as weight…I’ve been losing. It’s so much more fun and it feels easier than what it has been in a long time. I’ll expound more on this later (because hello, isn’t that kind of the point of this blog?), but suffice it to say, things are going well in this department as well.

5) The house: It’s starting to come together. Honestly? I love it more every day. This weekend I’ve got some decorating planned and am super excited to clear some things off my to-do list.

Hopefully with these topics covered – even if just partially – it’ll be easier for me to come here and update more often.

A New Year's Resolution

2011-10-28T23:51:00.002-06:00

It didn't hit me until just a few moments ago, that a year ago, I had abdominal surgery to remove a very large uterine fibroid.

A year ago, I walked into the hospital full of hope (that they wouldn't end up doing a hysterectomy and that I wouldn't die) and more than a little trepidation of the healing to come.

Well, here I am, a year later, and I have the same emotions - just the subject and the location have changed.

I spent the last thirty minutes or so looking over pictures from the last year.

And since we're all friends, I'll admit that I've gained weight. The number is actually around 20 pounds. But by looking at pictures, it seems that I've gained it all in my face, my neck, my belly, my butt, my...okay then, I see it everywhere in the pictures I just glanced through.

And oy vey does it suck to look at pictures of yourself and realize just how much ground you've lost. I feel like I'm starting all over in so many areas of my life and it's a daunting feeling. I just asked myself, "Self...it's just you and me. Do you really want to add another thing that you're starting over again with?"

I took a few seconds to think about it, but the answer was still yes!

I'm not waiting for January 1st to start anew. The last 365 days have been filled with a lot of pain, emotionally and physically. I've had a lot of new beginnings - a new job, a new home, a new single life. I've had a lot of losses - my relationship, my grandmother. I've celebrated a lot - a successful surgery, my little sister's wedding, and me getting through some really rough months of therapy.

But if I'm to be 100% honest, I'm fully ready to put this year to bed. I'm ready to put it behind me, to acknowledge the things that I've learned and to mourn the stuff that I've lost.

And I'm ready to get my self-confidence back. I'm ready to feel powerful while running again. I'm ready to try new foods, new recipes, and to practice restraint when it comes to eating.

After a year of feeling anything but sexy, I'm ready to bring the sexy back.

A year ago, I felt broken going into surgery. I'm sad to say that that feeling hasn't really left me after all this time - not really. It's felt like one thing after another for the past year. I've felt like other things and other people have ruled my life.

Isn't it time I take my life back?

Aren't I worth eating healthy foods - foods that fuel my body rather than ones that numb the pain I've been feeling? Aren't I worth getting up an extra 45 minutes in the morning to go for a quick run? Aren't I worth saying nice things to myself rather than inwardly groaning at my appearance in the mirror?

I want to believe the answer is yes; I've worked hard in in therapy to learn that the answer is yes.

So starting tomorrow (which, by my clock is in about 10 minutes), I'm going to start living like it.

Here's to a year of new beginnings, of shedding fear and old beliefs, and of choosing to believe in me.

Who's with me?

Cliches

2011-10-27T11:14:00.000-06:00

It’s probably been a long time coming, but Joe and I have officially broken up.

Like I wrote in my post “Making Room”, there were a few ways this could go.

“So will we keep dating? Maybe. Will we live together again? Maybe. Will we break up? Maybe. Will we part ways and never speak again? Maybe. Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after? Maybe. Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with? Maybe.”

And I’m so sad to have it end the way that it did. It was pretty sucky and it was difficult to not be able to have the closure that I so would’ve wanted.

In the end, I didn’t get to tell him anything that was in my heart. All he heard was that I felt like we were more like friends than anything else and he bolted.

Over two months ago, I wrote this regarding our relationship:

“Can you see why this is a tough decision? So no, I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I owe it to myself to not do that. Because if you’re anything like me, you know that after you end a relationship, it’s easy to second guess all the decisions you’ve ever made. It’s easy to see all the ways you were intolerant of someone else’s flaws. It’s easy to blame yourself for throwing away a perfectly good relationship. What I want to do is explore all the possibilities, try all the ways I can, collect data (hello, I’m an engineer), and understand how I feel. That way I know that in the wee hours of the night when “The Voice” tells me how stupid I was and how much being alone sucks, I can whisper back that I made the right decision and that time heals all wounds.”

Tuesday night, “The Voice” told me that I was a horrible person and that I wouldn’t find anyone else who was as marvelous as Joe. It told me that I was heartless and that I wanted too much. Because the truth is, I didn’t want to break up Tuesday night. But I did want to tell the truth about how I felt.

At one point, I knew I could’ve said some things to make it hurt less. I could’ve said that I wasn’t 100% certain that the love was lost. I could’ve said that I still wanted to try more. Those things would’ve been truths. But would they have just delayed the inevitable? Would they have made it hurt worse for him in the end? Maybe. So I swallowed those words and let nature take its course.

One thing lead to another and now yours truly is single.

He’s asked that I not contact him in any way. He’s removed me as a friend on Facebook (which we never communicated there anyway) and removed me from other shared applications that we had.

He has, effectively, removed his love.

While that’s perfectly normal, it is terribly triggering. And yet, I am reminded that I have my own truth inside my body.

I have a womb that wants to bear children. I have a heart that can mend and eventually love again. My mind knows that I tried everything within my power to make this work. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and my arms can hug the husband I’ll eventually have.

It feels in some ways like a deep cut. At first, all you can think about is the pain. Eventually, I know that I’ll be reminded of the cut whenever it hurts. I’ve been through this before and know that the cut is the hardest part…and that all that’s left is the healing.

Because as I wrote, time does heal all wounds.

But oh, how I miss my best friend.

Accidentally finishing a 5K

2011-10-20T11:02:00.000-06:00

Folks, the last time I ran was in June.

As in four months ago.

As in I’ve been dreading the first run back because I knew I would feel sluggish and my pace would be a far cry from where it used to be.

But one of the things I LOVE about my new place is how close it is to a lake and a few parks.

The lake I’m closest to is called Sloan Lake and it’s about three miles around. Sunday morning I decided that I would walk and run the circumference of the lake – you know, to get back in my groove.

Less than three miles? I can do that. No problem. Only I didn’t factor in the distance to and from the lake. Nor the heavy construction that left the paved path detouring through neighborhoods.

And I didn’t know that there was a race that morning; one that I apparently joined halfway through. I got to cross a finish line with lots of applause and then looks of confusion as I kept running past the volunteers.

At the end of the day, I ran a bit over 4 miles and I’m happy to say that I ran more than I walked.

My next 5K will be the Turkey Trot in El Paso on Thanksgiving morning. I ran it 2 years ago and my goal is to just run the whole thing and to try to forget about the time, pace, and where I used to be.

It’s where I am now that matters, right?

Home

2011-10-19T11:01:00.000-06:00

Lots of things in my life have helped me feel a bit turned upside down.

For starters, I did close on my house at the end of September. But trying to make the closing date 3 weeks after the date of the offer was pure silliness in this day and age. I found out the day before that I was approved to close the next day – literally at the last minute. My credit worthiness wasn’t a factor, but because of programs like the Patriot Act, every deposit and every money exchange needs to be scrutinized to the nth degree. On one hand, I get that their diligence might stop or dissuade someone else, but on the other hand, it sure was a pain to go through.

Part of my kitchen; the freezer is next to the stove and the
refrigerator is on a completely different wall.

The day of closing brought excitement and then disgust as I realized that the previous owner opted to not clean anything, to leave a full fridge and freezer full of expired items (like gallons of milk and rotting meat) and take out that should’ve been taken out. He filled the recycling bin with linens and broke countless glasses in the alley. He left debris everywhere and when he took his art (that had been stuck up with double-sided tape), he removed patches of paint as well. There were a few nice things that he left, like cleaning supplies (perhaps he didn’t know what to do with them?) and rugs that I wasn’t expecting. The main bathroom shower rod was broken such that the only way to fix it is with clear sided tape. And no, without getting into it, buying a new rod won’t work.

Nothing like buying a new home and then immediately feeling an immediate dampening because the place looks like some sort of feral child used to live there…

Less than 24 hours passed and I had a leak from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom through the air vent. The leak has been fixed, but I’m now a proud owner of a giant hole in the closet of the bathroom (to get to the leaky pipes). I had another leak (this time from the downstairs shower) this past weekend; but I ended up trouble shooting and then fixing it myself.

Home Depot and I are becoming fast friends. But the relationship is one I’d rather put a stop to because it’s kinda’ pricey.

Having said that, I’ve had a few friends over (one couple were so nice and GAVE me a lawn mower and the other brought a huge bottle of wine that I’m determined to finish) and it has felt marvelous. I’m sure everyone says “Oh, I like your house!” to be nice…but because this house is the culmination of a journey that I have been on for weeks, months, and years, it feels awesome to have my choices enthusiastically supported.

Each box I unpack helps me feel more connected with what my life has been and currently is. For the most part, these things have been packed up for the last year and a half, but some items were moved from my garage in 2007 and then never unpacked in the place I moved into last. So re-opening those boxes and tubs are like meeting up with an old friend.

Even with the leaks, the paint jobs that desperately need to happen, and my dwindling bank account, I can’t help but feel lucky and blessed.

Making time...

2011-09-20T10:29:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting...and I'm happy to say that I'm down 0.2 pounds. It might not sound like a lot (and let's be honest, it's not), but to me it shows and proves that I'm done with eating to fill an emptiness inside me. There have been a lot of feelings the last few weeks as I prepare for a separation with Joe and the buying of a new house.

But I haven't eaten them. And THAT is the best.

Anyway, at the WW meeting, my leader talked about making time for things that matter. She asked us to think of any goal that we had in our lives - and then asked us what it took to attain that goal.

For instance, when I wanted to graduate from college, my investment wasn't just in the time spent at classes or the money spent for the classes. My investment in a great degree came with lots of hours at labs, in meetings with classmates, and at tutoring sessions if I needed more help.

Likewise, I can't look at the only time I'm willing to take for me to lose weight as the time spent in the meetings.

I need to invest the time into making healthy lunches, not just grabbing something on the go. It means taking the time to get up early to go for a run. It means understanding that there is time spent to drive to the gym.

To expect that this would just happen miraculously without any other time investment is silly.

And yet, how many of us have thought that if we just fix this "eating thing" we'd be fine? Nope. There's way more things going on that have contributed to my weight gain than just fixing my eating. It's by choosing to take the time to make the change a part of my identity that is going to get it done.

As I sat in the meeting, I thought of all the other things that I do with my time. Some of it is productive, some of it is non-productive but totally awesome, and some of it is wasteful. I want to be more mindful of scheduling or making time for the goals I really have.

After all, aren't we all worth spending some time on us, on our hopes and dreams?

P.S. YAY! The house was inspected last week and it passed with flying colors! There are a few things to be fixed (aren't there always?) but nothing so big that it was a deal breaker. The seller has come to the table with his offerings - not as much as I had hoped, but it's doable - and this whole process has gotten me even MORE excited about moving in the house.

I can't believe it's going to be mine in 9 days.

The seller has had some heartbreak, some good times, and a new beginning with love while in this house.

I can only hope that the same holds true while it's mine.

(le sigh)

Making Room

2011-09-13T21:28:00.001-06:00

First, I had my inspection earlier today and was THRILLED with the results! The inspector that I've hired for all of the homes I've bought (and then eventually sold) in Denver is awesome - and one of the things that I always love about him is how thorough he is. As in I have 32 pages of findings from today's inspection.

Like I wrote, he's done two previous inspections for me, but this was the first time that he said, "You've got a great house. You were lucky to find it - this one is a keeper."

And he's right.

Sure, there are things that need to be fixed - aren't there always? But the things aren't horribly expensive and they're reasonable. If the seller won't fix them, I kind of don't care. This is my house...and it feels SO good to be in it.

It's more room than I need. But I hope to fill it up with unique finds, pictures and prints from friends, and lots of memories of wonderful people.

I'm making room for all of the wonderful things that are to come in my life.

It feels blissful!

During the last week when I've made it more public that things were going to change between Joe and me, I've been amazed at people's reactions. Some people were wildly enthusiastic about the move and some people looked at me with sadness. Some people assumed that we were automatically going to break up and some people who thought that we had the perfect relationship were left wondering what happened.

The truth is, I'm not sure what is going to happen. All I know is that our relationship isn't as healthy as what I want it to be before committing to each other for life. I know that our therapist believes that the hard work can't happen without Joe doing some seriously tough stuff first. As someone who has seen the benefits of therapy, I know first hand that although therapy can be life-changing, it also takes some significant amount of time. And you have to be motivated to make the change.

Joe is motivated to become a healthier person; but it will take some time to make the changes necessary to facilitate a healthy relationship - with negotiating, full disclosures, and healthy boundaries. I can't force or fix those things. Believe me, I've tried.

So will we keep dating? Maybe. Will we live together again? Maybe. Will we break up? Maybe. Will we part ways and never speak again? Maybe. Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after? Maybe. Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with? Maybe.

At this point, I don't know what the end result will be. What I do know is that moving out and getting my own space is the next necessary step for me being healthier. I know that this next step is right.

And at this point, I want to make room for all the possibilities in between us living together right now and us never speaking again.

Now is when I want to live my life fully - amidst all the struggles and confusion.

Life isn't going to get any easier - I might as well make room for uncertainty.

See, Geneen Roth? I listened to you after all.

Just a quick update...

2011-09-08T12:04:00.000-06:00

Hi all!

First, I haven't been to the WW for a little while. I weigh in on Mondays...and the 29th I had to stay late at work, this past Monday was Labor Day (my location was closed), and next week we have tickets to see the Broncos on their first game against the Raiders! I'll admit, I haven't stepped on the scale, haven't tracked, and in general don't know how I've been doing weight wise.

Unless you count how I feel. And in that, I've been doing really well. I'm eating when I'm hungry and not eating when I'm not.

In fact, this weekend, I had ONE Reece's Peanut Butter Cup. The other one from the package is still in our cabinet. It may sound like a small thing, but it's a feat that I've never been successful at before.

The big news is that I've made the decision to move out of Joe's place. It's been a long time coming and I made the decision with a heavy heart. But I know that it's the right decision for me. I just can't, in good faith, continue with this relationship without a chance to pause and determine what will make me happy. I want children and a healthy partner so badly and I can't give that dream up.

I know that that pause needs to be in a location by myself.

Will it mean that we stop dating entirely? Maybe. Will it be a catalyst to have him get healthier? I hope so. Will he eventually move in? Maybe. But this change gives me the chace to better evaluate all the options.

Joe is actually taken it pretty well and has graciously decided to let me stay until the end of the month...

At which time...

Actual door knob from my house.
All the interior doors have these knobs.

I'm closing on a new place!

I found the house this weekend and I LOOOOOOOVE it. It's perfect. It's a red brick tudor with tons of light/windows and is located only three blocks from a park/lake called Sloan's Lake. Hello a runner's dream!

*swoon*

I'm thrilled that a place like this is finally in a price range that I can afford. You can thank Joe for that too - giving me a break from the higher bills I was paying to save for this place. I don't mean that I didn't contribute financially to the household - I defnitely have. But the bills - even being split - are less than what I was paying on my own.

Here's a sneak preview of the guest bath - and one of the most awesome features of the house. It's absolutely adorable. And for those wanting more details, the tile floor has a light aqua to the buttons. Other than the other aqua accents, it's completely white or chrome. I heart it.

I'm doing well. I'm taking care of myself. And even though sometimes it's awkward still living with Joe and sad to know that I may never see some of his friends (whom I love dearly) again, I know I'm making the right choice.

I close on September 29th - three weeks from today. I have a lot to do, a lot to arrange, and a lot to think about. But I'm optimistic.

Slow and Steady Slims My Face

2011-08-23T06:30:00.000-06:00

Yikes! What is this - three posts in a week? It's like I'm back! :) I hope that's the case - I sure have missed you.

So, last night was my Weight Watchers meeting; I'm down another 0.6 pounds.

Hmmmm...

Since joining Weight Watchers in May, I've lost 8 pounds. 8 pounds in three months.

Oy.

When you average that out, it's like I've lost 0.6 pounds per week. That's a far cry from what I did last time. Last time I was on the WW plan, I lost an average of 1.5 pounds a week. I rocked the hell out of that plan. Every month, I got a new 5 pound star.

Until I didn't.

This time, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm no longer hungry.

Take today - I still have 12 points that I'm supposed to eat today. But I wasn't hungry enough to eat them all. I had salmon sashimi, a salad, a few servings of fruit, a cheeseburger (kid's size from McDonalds), cheese, crackers, yogurt, and my breakfast mug sandwich. I only used 29 points today - which is below what someone who is at their goal weight (for my height) should be eating.

Yesterday I went over points because I was especially hungry last night.

Oh hello, law of averages. How I've missed you.

Truthfully, I don't track often. I am trying to listen to my body more; trying to trust myself more when it comes to food. Sometimes that means I eat more; sometimes I eat less. It usually depends on the quality of food (nutrition) that I eat.

Go figure.

So basically, I'm okay with taking this slowly. I'm enjoying the process of trying new foods, new recipes, new cooking, and new snacks. I'm enjoying the inquiry into how my body feels when I fuel it with different items.

Last Monday I had a big meal (still within plan) at PF Changs but it was SO tasty! And I was really craving it.

I love that I don't have to deprive myself to lose weight. I love that I can still enjoy things that are decadent. I'm talking to you, Peanut Butter Frozen Yogurt (currently available at Pinkberry).

Mostly, I'm constantly surprised at me being constantly surprised at how much I really like veggies.

Every time I even start to think that I *should* be losing weight faster, I remember all the diets I've been on - crash or otherwise. I remember all the sizes I've been in my adult life. And I try to remember that I am learning things about myself, each week, such that I can be the healthiest me possible.

That endeavor will undoubtedly lead to smaller fun pants. But in the meantime, I sure am going to enjoy the ride.

If that means it takes longer, so be it. I'm in this for the long haul, baby.

Healthier from the mind out

2011-08-22T10:23:00.003-06:00

Well, hello there!

I apologize if my last post sounded like I was whining about the lack of comments on the previous post. In fact, if that was the message, it was the exact opposite of what I was trying to convey. I really felt fine that there were so few comments on the post in question. I loved that that post was still profound for me even if it didn’t resonate with other people. The fact that I was completely okay with it was a huge aha moment – one that I felt good about acknowledging.

Basically, I’ve just started to realize all of the ways that I’ve been chasing love.

I came to a lot of this realization while doing EMDR in my therapy the past few months. I became aware of all of the ways that I traditionally give (and give...and give...and give) in order to be loved in return. I’ll save you the back story, but there have been many times that I’ve ingratiated myself in order to feel more worthy in someone else’s eyes.

The second way I grew was reading the book “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. Apparently the book came out in the 80s, so it must be read while donning shoulder pads. In the book, she gives several examples of women who pick men that are “exciting” and “daring” and “irresponsible” but give the women the opportunity to recreate the cycle of pain that the woman grew up with.

In my case, my father didn’t want children. He’s awkward and fairly selfish. I learned at a young age that if I wanted him to be around me at all, I had better act in a way that wouldn’t piss him off and make him leave. This meant listening to his problems and his issues – even when they made me feel uncomfortable. This meant controlling my own feelings so that they wouldn’t show. It meant me being only happy around him – but not too happy. That was annoying.

It’s amazing how kids learn to adapt to get love.

Is it any coincidence that I would search for men that I had to do the same things to and around? Familiarity is a wonderful thing.

A book that our couple’s counselor told us to read, “The New Rules of Marriage” by Terry Real had a part of the book where it talked about this. Basically, it stated that every adult romantic relationship gives us the chance to overcome the issues that we had as children. Taking my case as an example, since my father was distant and unloving and I had to strive to “earn” his affection and love, I look for people where I’ll have to do the same striving to get their love and affection. If I get it, I win – and part of me (the part that is still a hurt young girl) heals in the process. If I don’t, it reinforces the idea that I’m intrinsically flawed.*

Unfortunately, this also means that I turn away guys that like me from the get go. I mean, if they like me so much, then they don’t get that I need to earn their love…so they’re not acceptable. I’ve internalized that they must be flawed to like me so much. In short: what is wrong with them that they have liked a screw up like me?

So THAT is what I’ve been working on this summer.

I’ve learned that I’m worth loving just how I am. I’ve learned that there isn’t anything wrong with me. And most importantly, I’ve learned that I don’t need to chase love down – to try to tag it so it will turn around and chase me back.

Probably if I would’ve done this work before I met Joe I wouldn’t have continued to date him much past the two or three month mark. Probably I would’ve picked someone else entirely at the speed dating event.

But the truth is, I’ve felt so much love from Joe in the two years we’ve been dating - and it’s because of that love that I’ve been able to challenge some of my beliefs. He’s reinforced through words and actions that I’m great, beautiful, smart and strong. He has shown me more love than any other man in my life.

It just may not be enough. Or more specifically, it just may be that his issues dovetail so thoroughly with issues with my dad. It may be that I’m especially needy in this area – one that he’s especially weak in. And vice versa.

Can you see why this is a tough decision? So no, I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I owe it to myself to not do that. Because if you’re anything like me, you know that after you end a relationship, it’s easy to second guess all the decisions you’ve ever made. It’s easy to see all the ways you were intolerant of someone else’s flaws. It’s easy to blame yourself for throwing away a perfectly good relationship. What I want to do is explore all the possibilities, try all the ways I can, collect data (hello, I’m an engineer), and understand how I feel. That way I know that in the wee hours of the night when “The Voice” tells me how stupid I was and how much being alone sucks, I can whisper back that I made the right decision and that time heals all wounds.

Thank you for the outpouring of your support. Thank you for the encouragement.

I’ve been a sh!tty blog friend the last few months. I promise to comment more on your blogs – to show you the love and support that I feel for you and your journeys.

* As an aside, THIS is why I’ve struggled so much with religion recently. I was raised in a Christian household, specifically in the Lutheran denomination. Since before I could remember, I was taught that Jesus loved us even though we did bad things. We sinned because we were human; we had something bad in us that only Jesus and God could take away.

The problem with this is that when you pray and pray and pray for the pain to stop and it doesn’t – even from someone who is supposed to be All Knowing and love you more than anything, it’s hard to believe that you are worth saving. If you were worth saving, why wouldn’t you be saved already? Why wouldn’t you be delivered from evil? It’s hard to believe that the black spot of humanity isn’t just a bit bigger in you and that somehow you deserved all the pain and suffering you were currently enduring. After all, if God can move mountains how hard would it have been for him to put some healthy adults in my life so that I could go to them with my burdens?

I’m not trying to get into a philosophical debate – or even challenge your faith. I believe that there is a Higher Power that wants us to be happy and loved. I believe that we are deserving of good things simply because we are human and were created out of love. I believe in God (and Jesus) still. I just don’t believe that man has it right when he says that “everything happens for a reason.” I guess I believe I grew up with some really sh!tty luck. I suppose it had to happen to someone; I just drew the short straw.

Yes. Now.

2011-08-19T09:13:00.000-06:00

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing. And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what? I kind of don’t mind.

There ~~was a day~~ were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone. Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read. And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could. But still, in the background, I was wanting approval. Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that. It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting. (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it? Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome. But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head. And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There. There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it. In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others. It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me. But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore. It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest. But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable. She did a lot of that too, I’m sure. But this past year? Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her. And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone. We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were. That’s really sad.

And Joe? I’ve chased after his love for over two years now. And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me. Oy, the pain.

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues. Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter? To a family? To a healthy relationship? I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine. I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue.

But lastly? I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing. They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst. Only I’m on birth control. And I had just had my period. So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger. And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.” That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant. She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now? When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people?

Now? When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now? When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now? When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes. Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back. But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want. When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant.

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again. Complete tranquility is unobtainable.

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves. And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control. I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life. Just the way it is.

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes. I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person. I have to start now. With me. That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy. Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe. It’s not as scary as I once thought. The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

2011-08-08T12:13:00.000-06:00

Somewhere along the way, I figured that I should only ask for things I need, instead of stuff I want. I’m trying to unpack why that is with my therapist, but as I look back on my adult life, that’s mostly true.

For those that know me, you may be wanting to protest otherwise. But the truth is, I can make decisions about almost anything, but I weigh what I want into the mix pretty lightly. If it’s something I need (like air, gas, food, temperature control, etc), I can usually voice my concern. If there’s something I want but I’m paying for it or I’m responsible for it, I can usually figure out what I want and go with it.

But what I want from others, especially if it is at a cost (financially or emotionally) to them? Well, that’s a much different story.

For instance, picking out pieces to play on a board game. If I know that some piece or color is your favorite, I’ll pick that out for you and then I’ll pick amongst the leftovers. If I know you don’t like a certain type of food, I’ll suggest a different restaurant so that you’ll feel more comfortable.

The thing is, I rarely lobby for what I want. If someone else is involved, I don’t have a problem lobbying for them – wants and needs alike.

I sound like a pretty nice person, don’t I? Well, I’m not. At least not to myself.

If I always focus on what I need to do or on my obligations, I rarely feel spoiled. And if I don’t voice what I want, it’s next to impossible for someone to spoil me. If I'm always accomodating others, whether they've asked for it or not, I'm not treating myself like a priority.

And what does that leave me with? Well, 80 extra pounds of fat, for one.

Why? I've chosen, over the last few decades, to spoil myself with food rather than the actual acts of kindness that I truly want. Mostly by my own doing.

These days, one of the things I’m trying to be VERY conscious of is the question, “What do I want?” And when I can, I’m trying to choose what *I* want.

Here’s a few examples:
Joe received great seats to a baseball game from his employer. But I really don’t like baseball. I’ve tried, and I just don’t like it. Plus, it’s on a Thursday night. And honestly? I’d way rather be watching the newest episode of Project Runway. But he feels like he needs to go, and even though I suggested that he go with another friend, he wants me to go. So I will.

However, I still have choices that night. If I want to eat beforehand so I’m not forced to eat things that I don’t really want, I can do so. If I want to, I get to choose to take a nap before the game because I know it’ll be a late night. When it comes down to it, I get to choose lots of stuff – including my attitude.

Another example is our weekend breakfast routine. Joe wants to eat out for breakfast. He also wants to sleep in and cuddle until noon. And then he wants to take his time getting ready. This means that we typically won’t eat our first meal until 1 or 2. And I usually snack on almost anything to keep me not so hungry that I am crabby, but not so full that I'm full when we eat.

And honestly? That kind of drives me crazy. Because in the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve never said to him that I like to get up at 8 or 9. I like to have some time to myself to do things that I want to do. So really, who’s fault is it that I’ve been doing what we wants rather than asking for what I want?

Last weekend, we cuddled and then I got up to read a book. Later, while he was bumbling around the apartment, I had a bowl of cereal (gasp!) and he chose to skip breakfast. The world didn’t end, and he didn’t dump me. Go figure. He got to cuddle and I got to eat.

I think that's called peace.

This weekend I got up early, walked to our nearby coffee place, purchased a latte and a Sunday paper. I leisurely read the paper, cut the coupons, and organized them. Hours later when he woke up, we went out to breakfast.

I’m finding that I’m loving recognizing that I have a choice in things. And that it’s perfectly all right to choose stuff that I want or to choose to voice my wants. I can still be contentious about other’s feelings, but I don’t have to always squelch what I want to make others feel loved.

Because really, aren’t we all worth spoiling – even if just a little? And don’t you feel more capable of making it through all the things you HAVE to do when you get to choose things that you WANT from time to time?

Lastly, I’m trying to be conscious of not just what I eat, but how I eat. If I don’t want to rush through a meal, I don’t have to. I can take my full lunch hour. I can not multi-task by talking to friends or family during my dinner. I can CHOOSE to get up earlier so I’m not scarfing down my breakfast while cursing at other drivers.

Realizing that I get a choice in lots of things is pretty empowering, even if it’s still unfamiliar. But like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it, I’m finding it’s getting a bit easier with time.

Habits vs. Routine

2011-07-25T22:52:00.000-06:00

Last week, at my Weight Watchers meeting, a person in our meeting made a statement along the lines of "Well, that's just my new routine." My leader stopped and looked at her and then asked, "What is the difference between habits and routines?"

I'll admit it, I was a bit stumped. I mean, I know that there is a difference (there had to be, or she wouldn't have asked the question, right??), but in truth I couldn't think of a meaningful difference.

After a bit of what can only be described as wrong answers from the members, our leader helped us with the difference - at least as she saw it.

Routines have to do with time - they're what you do every morning, afternoon, or evening. They're the bowl of Cheerios you have for breakfast because you know that they're only X number of points. They're the five mile run you take every morning so you feel better. They're the bag of carrots that you have each afternoon to stave off hunger.

But habits? Well, habits are a broader way that you actually live - and they really don't have a lot to do with fixed time frames or specifics.

For instance, your routine may be the bowl of Cheerios, but your habit may be to work whole grains into breakfast. The end result is the same, but the habits are more likely to get you to change who you really are. And when you actually change your habits, you start to change yourself. If you're the Cheerios eating skinny lady, what do you do when you visit other people or go out to breakfast and there are no Cheerios in sight? Your routine is gone and you're more likely to throw the whole eating healthy thing out the window.

BUT if your habit is to have whole grains at every breakfast, you'd shrug off the Cheerios-free morning and choose something that was equally as hearty.

Can we lose weight by changing our routines alone? You betcha'. I'd be willing to wager that this is how most of us have lost the weight - time and time again. You get motivation and you change your lifestyle. You throw out all the junk food and dive right into a great new eating plan or exercise regime.

But if we only change our routines, it's probably harder to have the will power to stay on the track that we've laid out for ourselves.

In order for all of us to live the healthiest that we can, we must be willing to change our habits - not just our routines.

This subtle difference made me change the way that I looked at my own life, especially as it pertains to my weight loss.

I have a few habits that I'd like to change - like sleeping in as late as I can every day of the week, brooding by myself when I feel particularly blue, and worrying about things that are outside of my control.

But I have a few habits that I'm kind of proud of too - like working in a veggie at every meal, trying a new food when it's presented to me (pertaining to veggies or fruits that I'm unfamiliar with), and working on getting more fiber into my daily intake.

I think the habits were formed by routines that I had put in place. I used to not want veggies, but the points values when I added them made things lower - and therefore it was worth the veggies. After years of this, I noticed that my body felt better when I ate more veggies. And (gasp!) when I didn't eat as many, I kind of missed how my body ran. So now I look for ways to make my body feel better - at least in terms of fuel.

It's a small distinction, really. But it's helped me be more aware of the choices I make and the reason why I make them. Sometimes they're out of habits and sometimes they're out of routine. Neither is bad, per se. It's just another thing that I'm noticing and felt like it was worthy of sharing.

Safety Nets

2011-06-27T09:59:00.000-06:00

I recognize that I haven’t been updating regularly. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I’m growing in ways and experiencing things that aren’t exactly easy to write down.

I mentioned in my last post that things are super busy for me. I also mentioned that I’d fill you all in on my life, my weight loss, my health, and my spirit. Unfortunately (perhaps) they’re so enmeshed that it this makes a post filled with lots of stuff going on.

First, six weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time.

Since that time, it’s been a struggle - my life that is. The program is simple. In fact, it’s so simple, I’m really happy that this is what I’m choosing to do now. As of today, I’ve lost just under 9 pounds – which includes one week that I gained (2 pounds) and one week that I lost just 0.2 pounds. The weight loss equates to about 1.5 pounds a week.

I’m really proud.

Because in that time, I’ve found out that a good friend has cancer and that a man named Gary (who is a good friend of my actual family) had a massive stroke this past Friday night. He’s hanging on by a thread (and I suspect that he’s waiting until his son is able to fly in to El Paso today). Gary has always been a bit stand-off-ish, but his wife is like an aunt to us in my family. She comes over every Friday night to be with my mom. I’m sad and scared for her.

Joe’s grandpa has since been released from the hospital, but he’s been in a rehab facility to get his strength back up. Unfortunately, Joe’s grandma had to go to the ER, hospital, and now a rehab facility for her back injuries that I wrote about. Joe visits them everyday – sometimes for hours at a time. I’m left cooking, cleaning, and doing the shopping on days that I don’t go to the nursing home to visit. It’s been daunting, time consuming, and stressful for both Joe and I.

I’ve also done some really difficult work via EMDR. My therapist and I are really delving into the molestation that happened when I was 7 at the hands of my older sister. I’ve often written that it was a close family member, but it feels good to get it out in the open. Because what happened was with my sister – a person who was supposed to watch out for me when my parents were gone – and because of the way my family structure was, I didn’t tell anyone for years.

And what’s come out of my therapy, I have realized that me being overweight – in a family that was all about appearances – was my way of signaling to the rest of the world that all was NOT okay. Something was horribly wrong. I was hurting, in pain, and scared. I just wanted someone to ask me what was wrong.

When I started my weight loss journey almost three years ago, one of the things I wanted to do was to stop binge eating. I wanted to stop the violence against myself. The problem was that I hated myself so much that I couldn’t do it for long. I’d vacillate between restriction (being 100% completely clean with my eating) and binge eating.

These days, I haven’t struggled with that. I’ve come to peace with the idea that I’m worth loving and that what happened wasn’t my fault. I’m not intrinsically flawed. What I have had an issue with has been routinely choosing things that aren’t the healthiest options. I’ve been struggling with overeating or eating when I wasn’t hungry.

Because sometimes the thought of being skinny is too much.

It’s too scary and leaves me feeling vulnerable and naked. And like I have no voice.

No voice to warn people away from my family. No voice to signal to others that I’m in pain – about Joe, about my friends, about my life, and about my family. No voice to say the words of how horrible sometimes it was to grow up the way I did.

And sometimes I’m worried that when I get thin, my family will feel like everything is okay. I’m afraid of my family thinking, “Oh…Anne is FINE – look how pretty she is! Anne is thin so everything is perfect. Everyone in our family is great! Look how we smile! Look how we laugh! Look how we’re thin! Nothing happened here. Our family is FINE.”

So having 39 points each day helps me. It helps me concentrate on the things that need to be focused on – me, my recovery, my family issues, and my way of coping with things. The last thing I need to worry about is what is for dinner. I know that staying at or around 39 points per day is a safety net...and it feels good.

The added plus is that I know I can always have fruit.

Vegetables sometimes feel like diet food…you know what I mean? Everyone knows that they should eat more veggies, but when you’re scared of running out of fuel or when you’re eating for reasons that have nothing to do with hunger, how appetizing does a pile of veggies feel? How comforting is it to know that you can have more veggies?

For me, not so much.

Fruit, on the other hand, is fun. It’s tasty, it’s sweet, and it’s refreshing.

So I am happy to eat things that may be higher points throughout the day because I know that I can always have fruit if I’m hungry at the end of the day. But because I choose to eat more satisfying things throughout the day, I rarely am hungry for the fruit at the end of the day.

So really? Fruit is my safety net, too.

Ultimately, I don’t want to have a safety net. I don’t want to eat for reasons that have nothing to do with hunger. But because my life is a bit in turmoil at the moment, I’m giving myself permission to eat out of comfort.

Truthfully? I don’t typically overeat on fruit. So it hasn’t been a big issue.

And really, me eating healthier has been good and nurturing to me. It’s been a way for me to be gentle to myself as I’m going through some panic about being lighter.

It feels great to have a safety net…. Not just of fruit, but of friends, of people I’ve never met who read my words and don’t send me hate mail…in fact, they write the opposite. I know you guys care. I know you guys read my words and can understand my pain. I know you all are here for me.

It feels great to know that I’m supported. So thank you…I appreciate it.

I pretty much hate today...

2011-06-22T13:16:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, I had to put my dog, Chassis down.

This morning I just found out that Joe’s closest friend, Pat, has a brain tumor. He is probably the nicest person in the whole world. Of course, you never *really* know what kind of marriage two people have, but from the outside looking in, he and his wife of decades have an excellent marriage. Their kids are the two best behaved (and still very real and vivacious) kids I’ve ever been around.

He and his family come up to visit in Denver a few times a year and they’re four of my favorite people in the world. They’re so welcoming – they make me feel comfortable being me. They respect and understand my relationship with Joe. They’re thoughtful, considerate, and funny. The parents and the teenagers all hang out. How they interact gives me hope that some people actually *do* have healthy families, boundaries, and love.

Joe’s parents and step-dad died before I met him. He has no siblings. His grandparents have been in the ER, hospital, and rehab facility in the last few weeks (for completely separate issues). And honestly? His grandma isn’t exactly the most welcoming, considerate, or thankful person. No matter how available I’ve made myself to help her and her husband, she makes it clear that she’d rather only interact with Joe.

I may not get to pick the family that Joe has left…but our friend? He’s Joe’s family; they grew up together. The kids called him Uncle Joe from when they were babies. They’re all so close. And wonderfully, he has made me feel like I’m a part of Joe’s family. I actually love this guy.

And he has a freaking brain tumor.

I know it’s not a death sentence (or anything close to it). But it’s major surgery. ON HIS HEAD. WHICH INCLUDES HIS BRAIN. WHICH IS SERIOUS. WHICH SCARES ME.

They’re operating on Friday. It’s two inches in diameter and is located on the right side of his brain underneath his skull. That’s about all I know.

Well, that and they’re so far away that I feel helpless.

I have more news about my life and my health, but for now, will you just say a quick prayer for my friend, Pat?

How to stop eating as a knee-jerk reaction

2011-06-08T07:16:00.011-06:00

Let's be honest.

If you're significantly overweight or even (gasp!) fat, one of the things that well-intentioned people tell you to do is to stop eating your feelings or to stop eating when you're not hungry.

That's kind of like when someone tells you that in order to lose weight, you should start eating more vegetables.

Every time someone says that I secretly want to roll my eyes and sarcastically exclaim, "Really?!?! That's the key to being thin? Why haven't I heard this before?"

The concept of eating only when you're hungry isn't lost on me. And if you've been reading my blog for long, you know that it's kind of like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow - at least for me. I'm always looking for ways that I can stop eating when I'm not hungry - but I can never seem to find it...at least not for long.

Last week, I referenced a really emotional discussion that I had with my mom - one where we talked about some sexual abuse that I experienced as a child that involves a close family member. We talked a lot about how I just don't feel like people get how absolutely traumatic that was - that my family just wants to brush it under the rug with the statement of "That person is sorry - can't you just get over it?" In fact, in the discussion with my mom, she chose to bring up other ways that I've said or done something that hurt my abuser. Umm...really? Does that justify what happened to me? Not so much. And OHMYGOSH- stealing a Barbie or pulling someone's hair isn't the same as being forced to do things that you don't want to do!

Gah. I'm getting upset again.

My point is, I walked in the door to my home while still on the phone with my mom. When I walked through the door and Joe saw my face, he asked me if someone had died. I shook my head, still listening to my mom, and finished my conversation. By the end of it, Joe knew what the conversation revolved around, but he was in the office trying to give me the space that I might need.

I got off the phone, grabbed a blanket from the couch, and made my way (past the office) to my bedroom where I bundled myself under the covers and started to sob. Joe came in quickly thereafter and comforted me (seriously, is he great or what?).

Later, he said, "When I saw you walking past with the blanket, I thought, 'Oh no - this is bad. She must be really upset.'"

That's because he's seen me do the same routine a few times in the past few months...maybe not the sobbing part, but the bundling underneath the covers part. I didn't even realize that I had started to use it as my go-to soothing method until Joe said something.

Why? Because I realized that bundling under the covers feels comforting and soothing. We even got a mattress cover that heats up (kind of like the ones here) so that the warmth and comfort can be available quickly.

Sometimes this is exactly what I need. But sometimes it isn't. I never usually know until I'm underneath the covers. Kind of like when I used to eat food as a way of comforting myself and then halfway through I'd realize that food wasn't at all what I wanted.

My needs haven't changed. I still don't really know how to comfort myself 100% correctly every time. What I've done is I've changed what I try first. Instead of making myself a burrito, I try making myself INTO a burrito. :)

Like I said, it sounds great to say "don't eat when you're not hungry" but without something to substitute it WITH, it's hard to do. Usually the follow up to "not eating your feelings" is to try to ask yourself, "What do I really want? What am I really upset about?"

What if you don't know the answers to the above? Or what if you do know but you can't get what you most want?

In the example from above, what I really wanted was feeling like my mother GOT how horrible it felt to be me. How horrible sometimes it still feels when my abuse isn't acknowledged. I know that she loves my abuser, but dammit, I'm her daughter too. No matter how hard I try, she just doesn't get it. And the sucky thing is, I can ask myself what I'm really upset about all I want; I can ask myself about what I really want. But if I can't ever receive what would comfort me the most, I am still left with disappointment and the urge to do something - anything - to make myself feel more powerful and/or soothed. To think beyond that feels too hard. That's where I've always gotten stuck before, thrown my hands into the air, and then helped myself to eating whatever was handy.

I've never been a mom, but when you have a crying baby, don't you run through a series of fixes before you (hopefully) find something that soothes? Maybe it's holding, burping, cradling, distracting, changing the diaper, and feeding. All I'm saying is that I'm choosing to make "feeding" as a potential fix further into the cycle of comforting things rather than the first thing I try.

I know - it's not mind shattering. But for some reason, that simple idea of realizing that I can substitute what I use first to soothe was a completely new idea.

What kinds of things do you try when you're trying to soothe yourself? Even if you usually don't comment, I'd love your input. I desperately need more things to add to my soothing rotation and I'm betting that other people could use your idea too.

We've been fired...

2011-06-07T07:44:00.010-06:00

...by our couples therapist.

Yup, that's right. A bit over a week ago, Julie, our therapist, sat Joe and me down and said that we were the healthiest of her patients and she really couldn't do anything more for us. She said we had a great vibe and that we communicate well. We've literally been tested and our compatability is great. We've discussed what we want and need out of our relationship. We've met each other's needs. We've gone through our training and can now talk our way through conflict such that even Dr. Phil would be proud (and is it just me or does he seem like he'd be not easy to please?).

Joe immedietly gave me a high-five. And I immediately said something like, "You do know that she's just saying we're the best of the worst." What? It's true!

Alright, alright. It *is* wonderful. We've done well with the homework and exercises that she's had us do.

But now it's officially up to Joe as to whether this relationship continues or not.

He's seeing a new therapist (his old one seemed to think that I was simply wrong for him and that he would commit once he found the "right one." Julie completely disagrees and feels like his issues on not commiting have very little to do with the women that he's dated and everything to do with the fact that he doesn't seem to like close relationships). His new therapist is someone that Julie highly recommended. She doesn't take insurance so Joe is paying full price out of pocket weekly. Clearly, he is trying and I believe that he deserves a lot of kudos for that.

She does want to see us again in 6 weeks to discuss the progress that Joe is making in his therapy and how I'm working on my stuff.

My "stuff" is to press for my own healthy entitlement...in short, to stand up for myself. I've held strong to my "I need to have a ring on my finger by 2012 or we're through" ultimatum - and it's a stance that both my therapist and Julie have avidly supported me in. I always thought that ultimatums were bad - they say they're only bad if you don't follow through on them or abuse them.

(sigh)

Anyway, since I figured you all might be wondering, I thought I'd give you an update.

P.S. Oh, and if he was 40% sure about getting married to me back in April, he's now at 45%. Know what's more painful than watching a pot boil or paint dry? Watching Joe's percentage SLOOOOOWLY creep up. I mean, it's good, but sometimes, it's just painful.

Sharin' versus Sharon...

2011-06-06T12:44:00.000-06:00

Joe and I have spent a lot of this past week in the hospital. His grandfather was in and out of the ER 4 times in 5 days and then was finally admitted a week ago today. We’ve spent hours at the hospital each day helping his grandmother to visit (due to a back injury, she shuffles about 2 inches per step). He doesn't look to be discharged any time soon, either. Saturday we were there for 8 hours. It’s So. Much. Fun!

And in the middle of all of this, I haven’t exactly made the best food choices…which is to say I’ve made some pretty lousy ones. In fact, WW will probably confirm this tonight, but I’m pretty sure that the weight I lost last week is now back on me – specifically in the saddle bag region.

My newest goal? To be able to sit into a hospital room seat without having to angle in. You know what I mean…where one hip has to go in first so it can kind of get lodged underneath the armrest so you can get the other hip down too?

These are things that I forgot during my slow creep back up the scale.

Oh, I remembered the joy with being able to walk into the GAP and getting to pick out of the mediums and larges. I remember being able to be too small to fit into clothes from the big girls store. But I didn’t remember how it felt to be able to sit without fear in any size seat being certain that you won’t get bruises on your outer thighs.

I forgot what it felt like to have to travel on airplanes and pretend that to have the armrest down means that you have to have someone else lean on it – which pushes down into your chub.

And while we’re at it? Since I had a massage on Sunday, I forgot what it felt like to actually have the two sides of the robe close enough such that when you sit down you’re not pulling a “Basic Instinct” move on the masseuse.

Wait. Now that’s my newest goal. And if we’re being honest about it, that’s probably my masseuse’s newest hope too.

My point is, there are so many health benefits to being thinner, but there are definitely some prideful ones that are perfectly normal to have too.

Because I want to continue being motivated, what is your next non-scale related goal?

If I could dedicate a song to myself...

2011-06-02T07:47:00.006-06:00

It'd be this one.

I'm waiting for me to actually believe it.

But I have hope that one day I will.

Pink – F**kin’ Perfect (Clean Version) Lyrics

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.

Dug my way out, blood and fire.

Bad decisions, that's alright.

Welcome to my silly life.

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.

Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.

Look, I'm still around.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,

You are perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.

Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it

Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.

It's enough; I've done all I can think of.

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,

You are perfect to me.

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear.

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.

So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time.

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere.

They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair.

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time.

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Born this way

2011-05-31T06:17:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago, Joe and I saw Lady Gaga on SNL where she performed "Born This Way."

And wow, I can't unsee some of the things I saw. Bizarre is just the beginning of it, in my humble opinion.

But I like the song.

And even though I don't live an alternative lifestyle, I love the self-acceptance in it.

A few Fridays ago, I was on the phone with my mom. It wasn't an easy conversation - in fact, it was pretty horrible in a lot of ways. I left the conversation with swollen eyes and feeling VERY upset.

One of the big topics of conversation was how I just didn't fit with my family. We had a very distant aunt, cold grandparents, and a grandmother who we visited maybe 5 times in my life. Because my father was not able to interact in socially acceptable ways, he scared off many of my mom's friends. My father was distant, my mother was hovering and although a great lady, we just never clicked. And as hard as it is to say it, it's even harder to hear your mom on the other end of the line agree with you.

I never really felt like I belonged. When every one else is happy in their own dysfunction, and you're the odd man out, you learn to adapt. But you never quite forget that you don't belong - not fully.

Maybe that's the reason I want to be married to Joe - to feel like I belong to something greater than myself. Something that is wonderful with the promise of forever.

But that doesn't really exist, does it? Belonging forever. Things happen, freak accidents occur and people simply change their minds. A ring is the promise of a hope of forever, but not a guarantee. What's more, if I switch from looking for my worth in my parents to looking for worth in a union with Joe, is that really any healthier?

So, I can start to see myself as someone who is worthy of good things - someone who may not have belonged to her family fully, but someone who is good just the way she is.

I'm quirky. I'm smart, I'm funny. The fact that I didn't really fit with my family growing up doesn't mean that I don't deserve love. No matter what your faith, I think we can all agree that we're brought into this life innocent, full of hope, and worthy of love.

Maybe that's why I really like the song that I referenced above and the message that there wasn't (and isn't) anything wrong with me.

(sigh)

And in case you're wondering, yes...I did add this to my running mix.

--Excerpt form "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga

My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]

I'm beautiful in my way

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Gray matter

2011-05-30T18:16:00.000-06:00

Happy Memorial Day!

If you're like me, you have the day off - which has been a welcome relief! We haven't enjoyed the weekend as much as we had intended due to four (count 'em...FOUR) trips to the ER for Joe's grandpa. He's been in each of those times with penis pain. Can you blame me if I didn't ask more questions?

I just finished my second week on Weight Watchers and I have to say, I'm really happy with the results. And to be clear, I mean the results of MY thinking.

It's no big secret that I've been struggling with lots of my mental demons lately - and it's taking up a lot of my brain space. It's been a welcome relief to be able to rely on the fact that I need X points for the day. I don't really even have to worry about how to "spend" the points - I eat a lot of what I used to be eating - just sometimes my portion sizes are smaller.

The first week, I lost 7.2 pounds. Now I could go on and on about how awesome I was that first week, but truthfully, I knew I weighed heavy that day. I stepped on the scale with a full bladder and heavier shoes than I normally wear. But I can tell you that the 7.2 pounds definitely wasn't all water weight or shoes.

This past week, I lost 2.4 pounds - although it's unofficial because the meeting is canceled today due to the holiday. I'll try to weigh in later this week, but it's a busy week and I'm not sure how likely that is. So the 2.4 pounds lost is from the details on my bathroom scale.

Truthfully, I'm happy that I'm losing weight again. I'm happy that I'm once again making smarter, better for me choices again. It's different for me this time - in that if I'm hungry, I'm choosing to eat right through my point target. I'm not stopping and starving for anyone - even a program.

Several times during the past two weeks, I've thought that I'd really blown it with my eating. I mean, the first week, I was out of town most of it with almost no control over what we got to eat. And if you think I turned down the double chocolate chip (freshly baked) cookies that the hotel I was staying at gave me, you're not exactly right. I ate the cookies. I ate desert. I drank wine. There may have been a few Snickers bars in there too.

In fact, in celebration of Chassis' birthday, I drank three glasses of wine. (side note: it's almost a year later...how can I miss her so much still??)

So tracking has been a really helpful thing - because even when I'm crazy high with my points (or so I think), I realize after I put it down that it's not as bad as I thought it was.

Realizing that makes it easier to pull back on the overeating throttle of my consumption.

Working the WW plan helps me remember that it doesn't have to be all black and white. I'm not right or wrong, fat or thin, on plan or off. I'm just me. And I'm realizing that the beauty of life is sometimes in the gray.

After the Rapture...

2011-05-24T09:16:00.001-06:00

Last week, when I packing for my trip to Chicago, I left my suitcase out in our bedroom so that I could throw things in as I thought of them. (Is here when I say that after years of frequent travel, I *still* don’t pack the night before I leave? It’s always the morning of the trip.) It’s also an invitation to an unspoken request that Joe and I have for each other - a way to unobtrusively tuck in little notes in the other person’s luggage. Since I’m the more frequent traveler, typically I send a card while I’m away or leave him a note or two for him to discover while I’m gone.

When I got to Chicago, I discovered a few notes – and they’re usually filled with the endearment that Joe and I call each other. I always feel good and loved when I find a new one.

But Thursday night – the night before I was leaving – I discovered the last note, tucked into my running shoes.

A simple “I love you” was all the note said – and it was a great boost to don my running gear and head down to the hotel’s dreadmill. Normally, I love to run outside…but it was 4 in the afternoon, it was hot, humid (for this Colorado gal) and sunny. And I forgot my sunglasses at home. Oh yeah, and I was in a completely foreign suburb right off the highway and busy streets. Probably not the safest thing I’d attempt.

The dreadmill was the only viable option –and that’s what I chose.
I remember a time when I was able to run for 5 miles without stopping or walking. I remember a time when I was pacing under 10 minutes a mile. Those times are not now.

Now I suck wind at the ¾ mile mark. Now I resort to walking one song and running for another. Now my pace is slower. Now is painful.

But I did it. I slugged through the 4 km I had planned.

It relaxed me and made me feel more in control before I had dinner with my father (who was about 15 minutes away from where the hotel was). Time with my father usually makes me feel tense and out of control.

As I build my pace and distance once again, I hope I hold onto the memory of these tougher times – when I can look back and say “look how far I’ve come!”

Last night in my Weight Watchers meeting, our leader asked about ways to keep workouts from being boring. There were a few suggestions from other people, but I realized my own truth inside of me: I used to love running races. I loved trying to improve upon the last one. I loved wearing the race shirt later. I loved being motivated by someone my size (or bigger) who trudged along and ran the whole thing too. I loved pushing through when I felt that I couldn’t (or didn’t want to) run another step.

That is how I kept running fresh.

I’m going to pick out a race to run in the next month. Initially, I wanted to run the Undy 5000, but it’s on June 25th and that’s our anniversary…and we’ve already been talking about going out of town.

I want to pick a race that will be fun – and one that when I wear the shirt afterwards, I can be reminded of a time when I found myself again.

Out of the mouths of bums...

2011-05-17T22:06:00.001-06:00

Sunday morning, Joe and I decided to get our breakfast from the Einsteins across the street. I've mentioned this before, but we live just off the 16th Street Mall in downtown Denver. I ordered an egg white sandwich with ham and cheese on a bagel thin. Joe ordered something similar.

As we were walking back across the street to get into our building, I heard someone clearly shout, "Hey Fatso!!"

I turned around and saw a homeless man (who was in the middle of going through the trashcan) look directly at me.

Kids and people who are mentally ill will, apparently, tell you the truth about yourself - whether you want to hear it or not.

Did it hurt? Well, yeah. But is it true? Well, yeah.

I've had a few a-ha moments recently but this one kind of takes the cake.

And really? I want to be healthier. I want to be back on track.

You might be rolling your eyeballs thinking to yourself that I'm not exactly saying anything that is different from what I have been the last few months.

And you're right - but that's only because I haven't finished this post yet.

See, Monday night I did something I thought that I wouldn't do. I went back to my old Weight Watchers meeting.

Before you throw something at me and call me a traitor, I'll explain how I got to that decision (and then you can throw something at me).

First, I've been thinking about this for MONTHS. I asked Jams about it (she is a WW leader) and she gave me some great advice about the program. And agin, that was months ago. I've been marinating what she told me.

Honestly? The program seems to be pretty good in the sense that they're focusing much more on health rather than their points of things. I was optimistic that they have finally tailored their points calculations on protein, carbs, fat and fiber not just fiber, fat, and calories. I really like that they have indulging as a main point in their program - I think that's healthy. And I like that more emphasis is being placed on "real" foods.

I feel a bit skeptical that fruit can really be no points - because I guess I feel that they should count for something. But I read all the material they sent me home with and their focus group lost weight using this, so maybe it's not as sketchy as I thought.

BUT...I don't think I want to do this for forever. Or even until my goal weight. I do think that intuitive eating is the way to go (hello, filling foods technique) and I feel like ultimately, WW may only take me so far.

In their defense, I didn't hear anyone this week say that they wanted to eat fake WW foods or congratulate themselves about being hungry or depriving themselves. I hope that continues.

For breakfast, I did have the exact same thing I typically have. And for lunch, I had a Subway sandwich on the way to the airport (I'm now in Chicago) because I knew that my options at the concourse at the airport are limited to Steak Escape, McDonalds, and TCBY. I knew I didn't feel like any of those, so I stopped and picked one up to eat while I was waiting for my plane.

For dinner, I met with my dad at a place that served great ribs. I did order everything I wanted - fresh green beans, a cornbread muffin, and 4 pieces of ribs. It was delish!

Because my eating didn't vary much from my normal eating style, I was shocked to find that I only went over my points values by 7. It was really great to realize that I was still on plan.

Will I stay with WW? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm a sucker for charts and graphs and I kind of like that WW does that for me. I know that there is no such thing as good and bad foods. I know that I want my cholesterol numbers to be like those of a child (which is what they were 2 years ago). I know that when I eat better, I feel great. I know that I miss that feeling. Oh, and I know that I don't want to answer to "Hey, Fatso," ever again.

If WW gets me a few steps closer to my goals, who cares? Like I said before when I struck out on my own a year ago, I want to do what works for me. And right now, it feels good to have more structure in my life surrounding food. I like the guidelines. As soon as I start feeling severely restricted and triggered, I may back away.

I'm giving myself permission to change my mind. That feels healthy too.

Catching up

2011-05-15T23:25:00.000-06:00

First things first... I'm sorry I've been such a slacker about posting. Sometimes it's easy to assume that the lack of posting is due to the person falling off the wagon in terms of health.

That's not necessarily the case with me.

I've been traveling. Actually, I've been doing a lot of traveling. Two weeks ago I celebrated my birthday. And on that day, I was in three different towns, two states, and two airports. This week, I leave to go to Chicago for a few days. After that, I should be travel free for at least a few weeks when I have to go to D.C. for my grandmother's funeral.

I'm doing okay though. No fabulous, but okay.

The hardest thing that I'm doing these days is working with my therapist to get over issues. Unfortunately, it's harder than it ever has been. It drains me - and honestly, sometimes really depresses me.

I plan on writing more on this blog though...it has been so helpful for me in the past - even if just getting words out of my head. It's helped to process, to support, to be supported, and to celebrate.

Before I had the cute little redheaded girl in fun pants at the top of this page, I had a simple statement about my blog: "This is where I come to celebrate my successes and learn from my mistakes." I haven't had a lot of successes these days - or at least it doesn't feel like I have. The EMDR work that I do with my therapist is hard stuff and it doesn't feel like winning often. But this is still my safe place to land...and it is worth overcoming the obstacle of not being able to post during the day.

I look forward to catching up with you all soon too. I've been horrible about writing, but even worse about reading blogs and answering email.

I don't really have a good ending to this post...but I'm exhausted so I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight!

A Start

2011-04-28T12:52:00.001-06:00

Is it just me or is breaking free of emotional eating habits hard?

Last Thursday, I started obsessing about having a blizzard from DQ. I knew Joe was going to work late. I knew that the type I liked is only made at a select few places. And I knew that I had 3 hours left in my work day before I could leave to go get one.

By the time my normal quit time came around, I was practically salivating.

I started the 20 minute drive in traffic, and I was really looking forward to that first bite. I was picturing myself ordering it/them (maybe I wanted two small blizzards?). I was envisioning how the crunchy bits would soothe just as much as the creamy parts.

The windows we down in my car, the sun was shining, the music station I love was on. I was going to get a fix. Life didn't seem like it could get better.

And then I realized that I really liked the song on the radio. It had a great beat. I turned up the radio.

I realized I really loved that song and before I could really think about it, I realized that I wanted to move to the song. "This would be a great song to run to." I thought.

Crap. Just like that, my fixation on the fix lessened. And with just a few minutes left to get to the DQ, I exited and turned my car around.

I went home.

I changed into my running clothes.

And dammit, I ran. I completed a 5K. I walked a lot of it. But I did it.

I'm not going to lie to you, there were parts of that run, where I wished I would've enjoyed the blizzard instead. For those that run, it was just a bad one. I couldn't get my breathing or my stride right. It wasn't particularly enjoyable. But I did it.

I've been thinking about why my desire to have the blizzard was so strong. Why did it seem like nothing else would do?

And while I may not have the whole answer, I believe I have an idea.

I fixated on something for three hours. I fixated on every aspect of that something. What would happen beforehand, what would happen during, and what would happen after. That's some powerful visualization right there, no?

I challenge you to think of anything comforting or pleasurable for hours, and see if you're not all excited to have whatever that is with enthusiasm. I think that's why sexy teasing in the morning before work equals hot passionate sex after work.

It made me aware that what you focus on really has a huge impact. And how monitoring my thoughts matter me farther than I ever was really aware.

So instead of fixating on whatever you current comfort food is, perhaps it's time to ask ourselves what we really want. A reward after a long day? A break from thinking? A chance to zone out? The comfort of something flooding our senses? And then think of another way to satisfy that need in a healthy way.

Lately, for me that's been coming home and cocooning myself in fluffy blankets while having a cup of tea.

It may not be enough of a change to help me lose 60 pounds, but it's a start.

Classical Gas

2011-04-19T06:55:00.001-06:00

Writing the last post was kind of tough for me. Well, actually it was hitting the "publish" button that was difficult.

See, I knew that weight had been creeping up. I knew that I didn't feel as good, physically, as I wished I was. And I knew that I didn't really want to post about it.

And putting a number to my weight gain? Eesh.

The thing is, after hitting "publish" I felt a bit freer. A bit better. And in that moment, I decided to do more things that made me feel better.

For starters, I called a local large breed volunteer group that I have helped in the past and asked if there were any dogs being boarded (rather than in foster homes) that I could love on and take for a walk. They replied back with a huge "YES!" and Sunday I walked my first big dog since Chassis.

His name is Guinness and he's a HUGE 11 month old Newfoundland puppy. Who is not good on a leash, but makes up for it by pulling hard in any direction he's headed. Armed with some treats, I attempted to help teach him better manners. And then I loved on him like crazy. What can I say? I'm a sucker for huge, adorable puppy eyes. I'm not sure who got the better work-out that day, but I was a bit sore that night.

But, oh, was I happy.

Being out in the sunshine has a profound effect on me and my mood. I hope I remember that next time my mood drops lower.

Last night I set my alarm for an earlier time setting than when I have to get up...to see if the urge to run would hit me when it went off. To be honest, I've done this probably 7 times in the last two weeks and have never actually gotten up any earlier. Could I have? Sure. Were there one or two times when I was awake enough to go? Sure.

But I've been scared.

This morning I had a nightmare about my younger sister's wedding and ended up waking up right before the alarm went off. So when it went off, I didn't have much of an excuse. I hit the snooze anyway.

And when the snooze alarm went off, I took inventory. I realized that I was, indeed, fully awake. I realized that I was afraid of running. I realized that I didn't want to force myself to run on the treadmill. So I decided to check the weather and see if it was okay to go outside. The weather was 42 degrees...the perfect running temperature.

So with that, I got up, got dressed and went outside...my heart pounding almost every step from dread.

If you look verrrry closely you'll see Joe and me :)

But the funniest thing happened. When I walked outside and took a deep breath, I remembered what it felt like to get out in the morning.

I set up my iPod on random and started walking. I walked by our city's most awesome art sculpture (in my opinion), the Big Blue Bear.

"Classical Gas" by Mason Williams came on and I ran.

I ran for the next two songs, then walked for one and a half, and then ran the last one.

My pace? Mostly runningish.

It felt good to move my body. It felt good to get some stress out. It felt good to do something I chose to do.

It felt good to overcome a fear.

And *that* is what I've done today to make me feel proud.

History In The Making

2011-04-15T12:39:00.001-06:00

I couldn't deal with not having the ability to blog during the day or what is turning into being multiple business trips without taking along another laptop so... I decided to get a new iPad!! So this is the first blog post that I'm writing via my iPad through an app called blogsy. Not sure yet how well it will work, but it's worth a shot - especially since I can't blog via blogger.com because they insist on using flash and the iPad doesn't support that.

So, lets start off by recapping last week's events, shall we?

My sister did indeed get married. And my grandmother died while they were exchanging their vows. No kidding.

The thing is she was in hospice in Chicago so it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was horrible that it happened when it did. I know my dad wished he could've been there. And it was tough because no one wanted to tell my younger sister that she died. Instead, all of us slapped a smile on our faces, indulged in the distraction of our choice, and kept the secret from her. My family is great at that sort of thing - keeping secrets and indulging in distractions. Mine was the cheese plate.

My younger sister found out the next day and I spend hours consoling her via the phone - which was similar to the hours I spent consoling my older sister and father the day before.

I have got to get a good support system of my own.

Joe was great at the wedding and was such a huge help - both to my and my family - as evidenced by his last minute trip to go back to my mom's home to get the alcohol that they left at home 30 minutes before the wedding started. He's a trooper.

He even started saying things like "our wedding will be much better planned." To me, that meant that he was actually thinking about OUR wedding. To him, he was remarking about the poor planning. It was rhetorical. I found that out at last night's therapy session. To say I'm let down and disappointed is a huge understatement.

What has become clear in the thousands of pictures floating around my family's Facebook pages is that I have gained a lot of weight.

In fact, over the last year, I've gained between 25 and 30 pounds.

There. I wrote it.

(sigh)

A part of me is so frustrated and disappointed in ME. A part of me is reminding myself of all the stress I've had in the last year. A part of me doesn't think that's an excuse at all. A part of me is completely petrified of comments saying "I told you so." A part of me wants to tell those people to go f&ck themselves.

But more than that, I know I should do something about it. I just feel so far away from the success I had last year. I feel like a failure. I've been acting like one.

(sigh)

So what do I do now?

Well, the first step is to decide if I really want to do anything about it or not. Some days I'm not sure.

Of course I want to be thinner. Of course I want to be healthier. But I don't want to do the work some days.

Here's what I do know, I want to enjoy life more than what I do now. I want to have more energy. I want to get out in the sunshine more often. I want to do things for me again. I want to turn off the tv more. I want to have pride in my looks again.

I want to enjoy MY life and myself more.

I think that if that is truly my goal, I can find ways to do that. Maybe it isn't running right now. Maybe it's taking a pottery class and getting out there more; finding a way to take pride in myself and my abilities. Maybe it's trying a yoga class. Maybe it's walking in the sunshine at the park nearest my work on way home one day.

Somehow, in the midst of surgeries, weddings, deaths, changing jobs, and waiting for boyfriends to come around, I've lost ME.

It's about time I find myself again. Honoring my true self probably means I'll be happier and I bet that when I start finding myself again, I'll find that I don't need the food to push down my unhappiness.

Or at least, that's my hope.

Serenity now!!

2011-04-07T09:35:00.000-06:00

One thing I know for sure: there is no dignified way to get into Spanx.

I'm in El Paso, Texas getting ready for my younger sister's wedding. The wedding is actually on Saturday but most of us flew in town last night. Truthfully, I'm just kind of looking forward to getting this over with. It's going to be a whirlwind of chaos for the next few days and I'm just going to endure it.

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend prior to coming here. She encouraged me to think about what would make this trip a success...as in, this trip will be a success if_________.

Here's what I've come up with so far to fill in the blanks:
* no one goes to jail for killing someone else in my family. Tensions run high in these times is all I'm saying.
* I get to dance with Joe at the wedding.
* I get coffee every morning.
* I choose to work in some me time every day just to concentrate on breathing and attempt to center myself.

So, I'm working on it.

In other news, Joe and I have made some huge progress with our therapy. He's really trying to be and do better and with the stress that I've been faced with during the last few weeks, he's been a rock to lean on. Intimacy is coming back and the trust is coming with it.

The bad news? My bridesmaid's dress is tighter than I'd like it to be in the bust area. And I now have a big enough tummy to make people wonder if I'm pregnant. Or at least, that's how I feel I look.

The good news? No one will be concentrating on me and pictures of us in the wedding will likely be from the shoulders up - at least the ones displayed in my mom's house.

I'm hanging in there...and am trying to maintain sanity and serenity. With all the drama from this morning (and it's not even 10 AM yet), that's a pretty big success as it is.

Status update

2011-03-24T22:54:00.002-06:00

Alright folks, I've been a bit sketchy on the details of my life as of late. I'm sure much of that has to do with me being sick with a fever AGAIN since last Wednesday night. I finally went to the doctor on Monday and was prescribed antibiotics to get over this (hopefully) once and for all.

I've had stress over the new job and stress about my younger sister's wedding. As in she didn't want to go through with it so I dropped everything to try to be a good friend and sister to help her through it. All that to have her ultimately decide to marry I'm anyway. Awesome.

And honestly? Things with my boyfriend and I (we live together for those that are new here) have been rocky. We had a HUGE fight right before I started the new job and while I can logically say that I understand why he said what he did, I'm just not back to trusting him fully again. No raised voices - just words that hurt more than I thought they could. Our therapist is getting paid well thankyouverymuch.

My grandmother is literally on her death bed and I get text updates from my dad about how she's battling breathing on the respirator and how her right lung is almost completed filled with fluid, despite the drugs they have her on. She's got dementia so when they can rouse her enough to get her to open her eyes, they can't get her to understand that they need her to cough so the pneumonia doesn't spread further. According to my dad, she won't recover and will likely die this weekend. I thought I was prepared for this, but I cried a few times today - which kind of surprised me actually.

It ain't pretty, but it is my life as I know it currently.

All of this and you would think that my eating would be completely out of whack. Well, for the first time in decades (okay, I'm only 33), I can say that you'd be wrong. Somehow feeling like I've lost control in every way in my life (yes I know I never had control in the first place) maybe has made it easier to assess one small thing at a time, like how I'm eating, what I'm eating, or what I'm drinking. I'm proud to say that I'm down 6 pounds from when all this hoopla started.

The delicious coffee-ish sugary drinks that are free at work are now a thing of the past. I get lots of fiber in my diet due to whole grains, veggies, and fruit. I eat portioned meals each day and don't have dessert each night unless I'm really wanting it.

And you know what? I feel great - much better than how I remember feeling when I wasn't eating as well. Next up? The exercise piece. The upper respiratory infection put running on hold for a while, but not for much longer.

So no, I'm not posting like crazy, but I am still here, still on this journey with you... Even if it feels like I'm more distant.

Is here where I say "it's not you, it's me"?

Letting Go

2011-03-23T06:42:00.000-06:00

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." ~Lao Tzu

I was born into a family of three daughters. My whole life, I've been the funny one, the one in the middle who takes care of others and soothes the hurts of the day. I was the smart one who became an engineer at a great school. I was the responsible one.

And, I've always been the fat one.

I've written about it before, but shedding the titles of the past has always been a pretty big deal to me. "What kind of girl are you?" and "What kind of girl do you want to be?" are questions that I've always found pretty powerful to ask myself.

But what I don't think I've realized until late is that if I don't let go of my own ideas of how things should be, I'm living in the past. And if I'm living in the past, I'm not making much of the now - or making much of the future that I could have. I'm starting to realize that living like that isn't living much at all.

I'm not sure when I decided that being at a healthy weight wasn't for me, not really. But I've believed that for as long as I can remember. Thin, pretty people were for covers of magazines or bridal websites - not for people like me.

When you feel so low about who you are as a person, it's hard to feel like you're worth another diet, another go at healthy eating, a higher paying job, a more fulfilling life, or a healthy relationship. You just believe that you're lucky for what you get - and you shouldn't expect to be given more.

But if you always believe that, you can never become anything different. Despite all of your efforts. And believe me, the only thing that I've done more times than I've quit diets is starting a new one.

I may not be posting often on this blog, but I am doing a lot of thinking about me, about how I got this way, about why I've struggled so much with weight loss, and about what it is that I really want.

Some days I'm closer to answers to those ponderings and some days I'm not.

What I can tell you is that I've made some huge progress in myself - lasting progress - over the past year.

I no longer think that I don't deserve a loving relationship. I no longer believe that I'm not worth a happy life. I no longer believe that suffering abuse as I did several times as a child was due to me being faulty to begin with. And I no longer believe that my destiny is to be fat.

I'm letting go of feeding my emotions with food. I'm letting go of my belief that I will always be that funny fat girl.

I've spent the last three weeks at a job that is challenging and that I'm good at. If I never felt worthy of higher pay and better perks than my previous job, I wouldn't have this one. I'm realizing, while surrounded by smart, successful people, that I'm worthy of being employed there too. In fact, they're lucky to have me join their team.

Changing jobs (and being successful with that change) has given me a whole new outlook on life. I can't change the past, I can't change who I was.

But letting go of my old beliefs about myself and about my life means that I'm opening up to the beauty of possibilities I've yet to be exposed to.

What about you - what aspects of yourself do you need to let go of?

My sliver of happy

2011-03-17T07:03:00.000-06:00

Usually I point you all to blogs regarding weight loss, healthy eating, mindfulness, or friends that I know.

But today, I'm going to encourage you to check out a blog that is first on my reading list - and has been - for weeks.

Enjoying the Small Things is written by Kelle Hampton.

She takes pictures of things, mostly her girls. She writes beautifully. She's not perfect (even though she looks like she is). She shares and she practices being centered in the right here and now, in taking pleasure in the enjoyment of the small things.

If you're new to her, I recommend her post about the birth of her second child. It's a great starting place.

Reading her words and seeing her pictures makes me relax; it soothes me in ways that I can't clearly articulate.

Do yourself a favor - check her out. I'm pretty sure you'll be glad you did.

Perseverance, Week 2: Less Sugar

2011-03-16T06:27:00.000-06:00

Last week, I mentioned that the idea of small changes adding up to big lifestyle changes was a motivator for me. My small change from last week was that I was going to start adding in more water to my daily life.

So how'd I do? Well, pretty good. My facility doesn't have ice (I KNOW, what do they think we are, animals?!?) so water is less temping than before. BUT they do have fairly cold water fountains. So I've been making frequent trips to the water fountain throughout the day to put water in my nalgene bottle (cartoon drawing of it to the right). I learned quickly to not fill it up, as I typically don't drink the whole thing before it gets warm.

Week 1? Success!

For the second week, I really wanted to focus on something that I think will help me in the long run AND the short run: To cut down on sweets.

This is a tough one for me - especially lately. I've been craving sweets more and more...and there seems to be something to the idea that the more you have of something, the more your body craves it - especially with sweets.

So this week, as impossible as it might feel, I'm going to limit my refined sugar as much as possible.

The hardest thing to do is to cut out the sugar in my coffee, but I think I'm breaking free of that. Today, after two mugfuls of coffee, I still had only used less than half of a Sweet N' Low packet. Next, I need to watch the dessert offerings that I've been having after dinner. A few Milk Duds are turning into a few handfuls...and what's worse, they're not even being mindfully consumed.

Last night, on the way home from work, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some delicious blackberries and honeycrisp apples, two of my most favorite fruits. This way, when I'm armed with something sweet for after dinner, I can have a healthy portion of fruit instead of my usual scouring for something artificial.

So I (selfishly) can have some inspiration for a change next week, what is something small you're working on this week or have had success in?

Cracking in two...

2011-03-15T06:16:00.000-06:00

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis

This weekend, I had originally planned on running a local 7K (The Runnin' O' The Green). I ran it last year - even though it ended in snow and Joe was in bed, warm and cuddly. But this year? I didn't sign up; I just cuddled.

I couldn't run 7K straight if I tried.

But the worst thing? I didn't. Try that is.

On May 1st, I'm already signed up for a 5 mile run, the Cherry Creek Sneak. I did it last year and it was a bunch of fun. Well, maybe not fun, I mean afterall, it was difficult.

Anyway, on January 3rd of this year, I registered for this year's Cherry Creek Sneak. Know what that means? Yes, that's right - I have about 6 weeks to get in shape and be able to run 5 miles.

I'm up for the challenge. I can add 1 mile per week and then work on my speed for that distance throughout the week.

Somehow, having a tangible goal to work towards helps me out.

What's more, this change in me - to be healthier in my mind, body, and spirit may not be discernible from day to day...but over the course of a longer time period, the change is undeniable.

Keep going

2011-03-10T06:42:00.001-07:00

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." ~Buddhist Saying

When I first started my weight loss journey, I often thought about food as "good" or "bad." It's kind of silly, actually - since food is usually measured in calories. What makes a calorie "good" or "bad?" Well, nothing really. A calorie is just a science term.

And just how many calories of one thing makes something good or bad anyway? My answer used to be: when I start to feel guilty about it.

These days, I've realized that I've shed that mentality. I've had a constant supply of chocolate in our house since I moved in - almost a year ago. Guess how many times I've binged on them? ZERO.

So clearly, I've learned that food isn't inherantly good or bad.

And yet, I'm struggling with letting go of labeling myself on my journey as either doing good or bad.

Gained weight? BAD. Lost weight but not as much as I'd liked? BAD. Clothes getting baggier? GOOD. Worked out today? GOOD.

I'm not talking about healthy pride in doing something that makes your body feel great. I'm talking about making the label of good or bad to be a core of your identity - if only for the day.

The thing is, I need to realize that my path to success has many glitches in it. There may be many times where I ask myself if I'll ever get to my ideal weight. Those times, I get discouraged and downtrodden thinking that I'll never be as successful as the people that do extreme dieting.

But then I come across something that reminds me that as long as I'm on the right path, and I put one foot in front of the other, I WILL get there.

It's not a race.

As long as I have the intestinal fortitude to keep on going, it's all good.

True Perseverance

2011-03-09T06:56:00.001-07:00

(source)

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." ~Walter Elliott

I came across the above quote and it hit me right across the face with it's simplicity.

I mean, wouldn't that be nice if someone could give a miraculous answer of how to solve this whole "weight problem" thing once and for all; one where you never slip up? It'd be pretty awesome. I suppose that's why I've bought more exercise equipment via infomercials than I care to admit.

The thing is, getting to a goal weight isn't one long trend of stick-to-it-ness. It's probably not done by one person waking up one day and deciding to have 100% healthy meals and 100% awesome work-outs every day. It's not about being perfect for ever and ever.

For me, it's about small goals, small things that I do now or can learn to do well with practice. Then I add another trend or practice on...until ultimately, I'm a much healthier version of me. Those habits form a long chain of resolve - one that results in me being a changed person.

I've been having these a-ha moments recently where I'm realizing that I'm turning down sweets more often - just because I know I don't like the way my body feels on refined sugar. I've started to realize that with more sleep, I function better. And I've been recognizing how when I eat something that's "diet-like" it's because that's what my body needs to fuel itself - and not because I know that eating it will result in a smaller waistline.

This week, I'm going to focus my game on one (admitedly) small thing that over time will create a big win: for one whole week, I'm going to promise to drink a lot more water. When I drink more water, I feel better; I'm fuller, my skin looks better, and I feel wonderful.

Time for you to share: what are you working on this week; what's your current short race?

Last reminder!

2011-03-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

One last reminder to enter the Walgreens giveaway sweeps on my review blog if you haven't already.

Contest ends next week - and I'd love it if one of my loyal readers won!

Breaking the trend

2011-03-07T06:53:00.002-07:00

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today."

-- James T. McKay

Yesterday I was catching up on some TV shows that I've DVR'd while doing laundry and cleaning up the house. An episode of "Criminal Minds" came on and the quote at the beginning of it hit me hard (thus, why I quoted it above).

I realized that that pretty much sums up how helpless I've felt in the middle of a cycle of eating poorly and ditching exercise.

I tell myself it'll be different tomorrow. I'll eat better. I'll exercise. I'll take the stairs. I'll pass up the extra calories. And yet, when faced with those very choices, I've found myself not making the better one.

Truthfully? This weekend has been tough. As in REALLY tough. As in, I'm doing things I haven't done in years tough. While I don't want to get into the details, suffice it to say, I'm struggling.

I struggled all weekend - with my food choices and my exercise choices. And those three pounds that I reported losing? Oh, I'm pretty sure that they AND some friends found their way back to my ample butt.

So what now? What do I do now?

Well, I could let this same trending behavior tie into each day this next week.

OR I could change it. Starting now.

Last night I made some amazing tuna fish salad. Truthfully, it's more carrots, celery, and onions than tuna fish, eggs, and light mayo. It's crisp, tasty, and healthy. It's what I'll be enjoying for lunch this week.

I also made some great chicken noodle soup using whole wheat noodles (okay, I'm not really a fan, but they're edible), LOTS of veggies, some chicken stock, and some white chicken breasts. That will be a lot of our dinners this week.

Most exciting, I've already exercised this morning.

Having a plan for today makes it so much easier to break the trend of overeating and emotional eating.

Having a plan makes me feel more in control.

And it helps me leave yesterday where it belongs...in the past.

Struggling

2011-03-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

The newest addition to my cube. :)

First, I am so sorry for being vacant. The new job has a VERY strict policy of what is and is not allowed on work computers. I can't even get to my gmail account on my work computer, so Blogger is completely out. I do have access via my iPhone (which is how I'm reading blog posts at lunch)...but commenting is not so fun and easy - especially via our 3G network. Having said that, I've never been so happy to have an iPhone in my life.

And actually? The picture on this post is from my cube - I bought the tiny vase at a small shop in Idaho Springs and the daisy is from a bouquet that I bought at Safeway Tuesday night (the whole bouquet was only $2.99!!)

So basically, I'm having to find time to write a blog and comment at night. So far, I've only made it to two blog posts and have commented on 0 blogs. I want to...I just am swamped with all that I have on my plate right now (Jackie, you were so right!).

I'm struggling though. I want to tell you about all the times I "won" but I can only think of a few. One of which being that Wednesday morning, our HR department brought in ooey gooey donuts (including bavarian creme, my favorite) due to us hitting the February sales numbers. I was in the lunchroom when they brought them in and felt no hunger towards them - so I just passed them up, despite many people encouraging me to indulge.

The thing I've been struggling the most with is getting so growling hungry in my stomach that I want to devour people's faces AND my lunch. The food I bring to work is healthy (a sandwich, a cup of blackberries, an apple, and some PopChips), but when I get to the point of being famished, I scarf it down without much mindfulness. I get this hungry because most of my day is spent at other co-workers desks - and they're training myself and another co-worker at the same time. These people must have stomachs of steel because they'll go for hours and hours without so much as a peep of discomfort.

And my eating at night? Eesh. VERY far off where I want to be.

Starting today, I want to honor my body a bit more - even if only to eat and fuel it when I'm hungry versus waiting for when my co-workers get hungry. If they think I'm a pig, too bad. I'll show them in a few months when the weight starts to peel off again. But in the meantime, waiting until I'm physically so uncomfortable and it isn't doing me any favors.

On the plus side? Scale says I'm down the 3 pounds I reported gaining last week. So I guess it isn't all bad.

P.S. Just a reminder to head on over to the Review Blog and enter to win the $100 gift card! The contest ends soon!

New job, new challenges, new goals

2011-03-01T06:27:00.020-07:00

So yesterday, I started my new job (cue confetti!!!)!

Two things about the new job and food:

1) They have unlimited "deluxe" powdered coffee. You know the kind that you can get at convenience stores in authentic flavors such as French Vanilla or English Toffee? Yeah those. If you've never had the chance to try them, they're basically about 40 thousand teaspoons of sugar in a highly caffeinated beverage that tastes nothing like coffee and everything like drinking melted chocolate. In short, it's delicious. And it's free.

This may present a problem...mostly because being hyped up on caffeine AND sugar is not the best option. Secondly, I probably won't like how that feels on a regular basis. Thirdly, it's not good for me. Fourthly? I really don't need extra calories in a drinkable form.

My plan? Know that the coffee is there should I want it. There are non-flavored, non-sugary options, but because it comes out of a machine, I don't get to pick how sugary or creamed the coffee is. I can experiment with those options, or I can drink hot tea (which is typically my hot beverage of choice anyway).

BUT should I really want the coffee, I'm going to let myself have it. With the caveat that I need to be mindful about consuming it. If I'm just going to down it while in a stressful meeting and not really savor it, then it's wasted calories anyway. It might make sense to save the flavored coffee for times when I can really enjoy it.

2) The lunchroom is pretty far away from where my desk is.

Actually, this kind of sounds like it'd be a pain in the butt, but I think it will work in my favor. First, how often do I go to the kitchen to grab something to eat just for a diversion to break up my normal work day? Now, I can make the walk a part of the diversion.

The added benefit is that I get in some movement throughout the day.

I can have some snacks at my desk (although I didn't see anyone actually eating at their desk) to enjoy in a pinch, but most of my items are fruits, cheeses, or meals that require refrigeration. I'm hopeful that the distance to the fridge/lunchroom may help me decide if I'm actually hungry before eating. If I am really hungry, the walk will be no biggie. If I'm not, the long walk may be enough of a deterrent to avoid it.

Yesterday, I ended up eating more food (and food that wasn't healthy) than I had intended. My boss took myself and another new co-worker out to a bar for burgers (no joke) and Joe and I had dinner plans pre-arranged at a local restaurant. The dinner was excellent, but not exactly low-cal either.

If I want to look and feel better, I've got to take more control of my eating - at work and outside of work.

And without any bad habits already marring my normal workday, I'm in a perfect position to set up some great guidelines for me.

Added to that, I get to go to work a half hour later than I used to - with a commute that's half what it used to be. Running in the morning is going to make a comeback in my life without having to feel like I'm getting up earlier to do it. I can get up at the same time I always did and still get a great 3 mile workout in.

The new job is going to be stressful enough - learning new people, new things, new cliques, and new unspoken rules. Why not add some new healthy activities too?

Jumping...

2011-02-25T11:37:00.002-07:00

(source)

Today is my last day with the company that I've worked for for almost 4 years.

I've had the above statement on this page for a few hours now and I still don't know how to finish this post. I guess I have conflicting feelings about the end of anything. And I have anxieties about new beginnings.

I realize that when I left my other jobs/companies, there was an overwhelming sense of dread about the job when I woke up each morning. I had to get motivated to go to work and give a crap.

But this job? It has a lot of perks - one of which that I'm able to blog from my desk while at work. My boss is a moron, but he's a controllable moron. And I've been the number one person in our business (in the nation) for three years now - bringing in almost $10 Million dollars annually. Yes, that's right...Happy Fun Pants is pretty good at what she does.

I think I stayed too long with companies and positions that I grew out. I waited until the job was almost unbearable before bailing. And I don't feel that sense of desperation with this job. In fact, I wasn't even really looking when the HR person approached me about this new position she had.

And this new company? Well, it'll be more challenging. They'll have different rules and cliques.

I still think it's a good move - and I'm excited about the new opportunities. So why am I not really wanting to go?

I think it's because when I joined this company 4 years ago, I was at my highest weight. I was miserable. I was in an unloving relationship with a guy that mentally and emotionally taxed me. I had a mortgage and expenses that I couldn't pay. I hated myself - really. I wondered what happened to this vivacious and confident person that I pretended to be.

I switched from that to where I am now - all within the last four years. I broke up with the boyfriend. I sold my house in the 'burbs. I bought a new row home in an urban neighborhood. I gained a sense of trust in myself. I started to love myself. I lost 55 pounds. I started running. I met Joe. I struggled through our relationship. I had surgery. I recovered. I started to grow and stretch myself into being the best version of me possible.

The whole time, I've been supported and loved by the people here. The whole time I succeeded greatly while here. This company helped build my confidence in myself -professionally and personally.

It's hard to let this company go...because it's like saying goodbye to a security blanket.

I know that this jump will be a good move. I know I'll be okay. It'll probably be fun and exciting.

It's time to jump. I've got a luncheon to go to in about 20 minutes and then I can leave.

So, here goes nothin'....

3...
2...
1...

Quick Reminder...

2011-02-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already done so, hop over to my review blog and enter to win a free $100 Walgreens gift certificate!

A perfect day

2011-02-23T09:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at 5:30 in the morning, I got on the scale after not getting on the scale for a few weeks. I was up 3 pounds. My clothes don't fit any worse, but realistically, I'm not sure where I am in the bloating cycle or if this is just an outlying data point. So I didn't stress about the number.

Instead, I got ready for work. At 6:30, I realized I was hungry - and in an effort to actually fuel myself before getting famished, I decided to fix something before my ride in. I stopped and realized that I didn't have time to savor every morsel of food that morning...so I opted to make a meal/snack that would be enjoyable, but would be mostly consumed for fuel reasons. (I wrote about my new philosophy about fuel vs pleasure approach on this post). I toasted a double fiber english muffin and smeared about a tablespoon of peanut butter on it.

Incidentally, as I spread the peanut butter, I realized that I've been letting my portions slide. In months past, I probably would've glopped on a lot of peanut butter... Yesterday, a tablespoon felt reasonable and I didn't feel like I was on a diet just because I was eating less than I normally would've. I could've made it lower calorie by not having the peanut butter, but the protein really did wonders for tiding me over.

I got to work, had two mugs (during the morning) of coffee with less creamer and sugar than I normally do. I'm trying to work my way to black coffee...which is kind of a long story, so I'll save it for another time. But yesterday, I had about a 1/2 a packet of Sweet & Low and about a 1/4 of a cup of powdered creamer (both mugs combined).

And THEN my co-worker brought in BAGELS! From Panera! With yummy cream cheese options! If you've been reading me for a while, you know that bagels are a major source of pleasure for me. I crave them - and their ooey gooey toasted wonderfulness.

I looked at it, thought about it, and realized that I wasn't hungry; that the peanut butter and english muffin had me satisfied. AND I told myself that I could have one later when I was hungry. I felt really great about the knowledge that those bagels would be there later. And if they weren't, I could definitely get a fresh one almost any time of day I wanted. I didn't need to eat them right then because I knew I would have many more chances.

At 11:30ish, I was hungry, but a bagel with cream cheese wasn't going to last me a while. Instead, I re-heated a bowl of gumbo that I had leftover from a meal out last week. I ate about 1/2 to 2/3 cup of gumbo with a toasted double fiber english muffin and maybe a teaspoon of butter between the two halves. I stopped with more left for today's lunch - not really on purpose...but because I was satisfied.

I did have a "fun size" Butterfinger candy bar from the gargantuan bowl of Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Twix, and other candy that my cubemate brings to the office. In the past, I would've had more than a few of these. But I knew that if I wanted more, they would be there. One was tasty and delicious. It was enough. Certainly I was tempted to have more a few times in the day - just because everyone else was. Plus it's RIGHT THERE - where every time someone opens a wrapper I can hear and smell the chocolate. But for some reason, asking myself if I was hungry first was enough of a pause to turn it down.

At 3:00, I was hungry again, so I had two low-fat cheese sticks.

At 5:30, I got home and had probably a half cup of Annie's Cheddar Bunnies as Joe and I walked the from our place to the Pepsi Center where we got to see our basketball team (the Denver Nuggets) play. Joe's company comped him really great free tickets, so we were lucky enough to sit in row 7 (!) for the game. It was AWESOME.

When we got there, I had a Diet Pepsi (I was a bit sleepy at that point) and ordered some boneless buffalo wings. The order came with fries...which I had ONE of. The fries weren't that great, so I didn't continue eating them. The "wings" were okay, but not fantastic. I had three (although to be fair, they were a good size - not like "chicken tender" size, but pretty good sized) and then stopped. I was satisfied.

Joe offered to get beer, cotton candy, nachos, pretzels, or ice cream - whatever I wanted. But the truth? I was completely satisfied cheering for our home team and not snacking on anything.

What? I always have a watermark across my face... :)

He ended up getting us both some water and some sliced bananas and strawberries with chocolate sauce drizzled on it. They looked tasty so I had two slices of strawberries (maybe an 1/8 of an inch thick each) and one slice of a banana (a 1/2 inch thick) with minimal chocolate drizzle.

We walked the mile back home and enjoyed hot tea while putting together some of the puzzle we started over the weekend.

Honestly? It was a great day. Food wise, I made some great choices. And while I didn't eat the lowest calorie things, it really wasn't bad. In fact, on the walk home last night, I added up the points estimates in my head - and they were below what my usual daily target used to be.

So I stayed in my points range and I didn't feel restricted. Sounds like a win to me.

The coolest thing? It wasn't that hard. You know how some days it's all you can do to keep your sh!t together and not eat everything in sight? Yesterday, it was easy to resist things that I didn't truly want.

This morning I stepped on the scale. I'm UP 0.6 pounds.

At first, I was really disappointed - I mean, what was all that about having a great day and then being UP in weight? I re-calculated the points from yesterday...I was definitely within my old target range. So what gives?

I kind of wanted to stomp my feet. I actually thought, "What is the point of having a good day if my weight goes up the next day?!?"

Uh, DUH, Anne! The 0.6 doesn't change the fact that I am proud of listening to my body. It doesn't change the fact that I am on the right track. At the end of the day, I ate less than I normally did, I moved more than I normally do (working out and running aside), and I felt better than I typically do.

It is a win. And if the scale takes a while to catch up, that's got to be okay too.

A few "perfect" days strung together makes a habit; a success story . A story that leads to me being thinner, healthier, and having a better relationship with food than I was before. And that's a story I want to be a part of.

Feeling better without breaking the budget

2011-02-18T10:00:00.034-07:00

Wednesday morning, Joe complained of feeling ill. I got home from work Wednesday night and he was in bed sleeping. He roused when I made him take more medicine and once again when I got home later that night to take yet another dose.

He, apparently, was in bed all day yesterday too.

When I got home last night, I felt horrible. I took my temperature and was running a 101.5 temperature. Nice. I made a trip to Walgreens (just a block away) and spent more than a few dollars on everything from zinc drops to cold/flu symptom reducers to ibuprofen to echinacea. Thank goodness they had a few essentials in their buy-one-get-one-free sale! Those new items will last us through the weekend at least.

I came home, took some meds, had some soup, crocheted while watching my new guilty pleasure (a game show called "Baggage" hosted by Jerry Springer if you're curious), and then went to bed.

This morning my temp is down to 99.5, but I'm sure that'll go up as the day goes on. Hey, it's something to look forward to.

Oh yes, and I'm at work. Because it's within my last two weeks, I can't take the time off. Awesome.

Anyway, the timing of this sickness couldn't be better...because I get to have a hand in giving away a $100 gift card to Walgreens. Woohoo!

All you have to do is go over to my review page and follow the directions there.

P.S. Also, I have a drug test to take for my new job on Tuesday. Do any of you know if the medications I'm taking now will skew the results? I'm staying away from poppy seed muffins... :)

Stopping and inquiring

2011-02-17T08:30:00.225-07:00

(source)

Yesterday I wrote about stopping while eating and evaluating whether you actually want to continue.

And today, I want to expound that thought...
Sure, eating sumptuous and delicious foods all the time *sounds* good, but how can I do that *and* lose weight?

After all, isn't that what sounds so unbelievable on the intuitive eating/carte blanche plan?

So maybe it's not about indulging in every way... it's about making choices that make sense.

Take this morning. I went to a bagel place just outside of our building. It's well documented on this blog that I LOOOOOVE bagels. Smear some cream cheese on a toasted bagel and I'll roll over in ecstasy. When I walked in the bagel joint, I knew that I *could* have anything on the menu. But I also knew that I really want to lose weight, to feel healthier, and to be fueled as much of the morning as I can.

Instead of ordering a warm gooey bagel that I knew would taste awesome, I ordered a 240 calorie bagel thin with egg whites, turkey sausage, and salsa. It had complex carbs, good protein, and some fat to help me feel sustained. It's 3 hours later and I'm still delightfully satisfied.

What happened there? I think we can all agree that that was the "better" choice than the full fat, carb-loaded, and calorie-heavy bagel, but why? And why do I feel like sometimes I can make that choice confidently and other times, I feel deprived when I make that choice?

THIS is exactly what I've been struggling with for the past few months in regards to intuitive eating.

Honestly? I've been struggling with the (sometimes) loosey-goosey approach of "eat whatever you want whenever you want and still lose weight" idea. I know it CAN work. But I know that sometimes, I crave the stuff that isn't going to get me closer to my goal of being smaller, thinner, and healthier.

So what do I do then?

My therapist tells me that the step I should take then is to ask *why* I want the stuff that I know isn't going to get me closer to my goal.

Well, sure, if I had all the time in the world, I could probably practice analyzing every moment before food passes my lips. But gosh, sometimes I don't know why I want something.

In those times, here is all I really know:
* I want the ooey-gooey whatever it is to be in my mouth NOW
* I want to not feel restricted
* I know that when I feel like I'm on a diet, I feel like rebelling
* I know that if I eat only the stuff that tastes awesome, it's going to take a whole lot of concentration around every bite to stop when I'm no longer hungry
* I know that if I'm distracted in almost any way, I don't stop when I need to
* I know that when I eat "too much" of something that is high caloric, I gain weight

So yes, in an ideal world, I'd be able to be mindful about every bite and every step in the process. But I don't live in an ideal world.

Moreover, sometimes I don't have the emotional fortitude or patience to figure out *why* I'm eating whatever I'm eating *every* time.   Sometimes I honestly just don't know.

And in those moments, I feel paralyzed. Should I honor what I really am craving even though I know it's not good for me? Should I restrict? If I do, will I resent myself and this process later?

All of the sudden, what seems like it should be a simple process has my mind spinning. I feel more anxious (although I don't know why) and feel more lost. I feel confused and mistrustful of myself and the process.

And that? Well, that doesn't feel good either. So basically, my whole plan to make me feel more in tune with my body sometimes leaves me feeling confused, mistrustful, and bewildered. AND my pants are tighter.

Uhhh...not exactly a winning outcome.

But people succeed at mindful eating. HOW? What am I doing wrong?  Is it me or is it the process that is broken?

I want it to work SO badly. I want to be thinner and healthier.  That led me to being more inquisitive about what I could to, with the focus being on health (mind, body, and spirit) to help me achieve my goals. It led me to ask myself, honestly, where is this marriage between mindfulness and me falling short?

I think I figured it out. I *am* being mindful when I stop and ask myself what really sounds awesome. At the counter of the bagel shop, what sounds the best is the gooey bagel slathered with cream cheese. If I ate it mindfully, I'd savor each bite, eating it slowly.  But honestly, if I did that, I'd probably stop 1/4 or half way through the meal because I'd be satisfied.

But the thing is, I usually don't eat mindfully. Sure, I ORDER mindfully, but I don't eat it mindfully because life happens. So in the bagel situation, I order the bagel with cream cheese mindfully, but then because I'm not eating mindfully, I end up eating the whole thing. Which means, TADA! I've just gotten further away from my goals, my pants are tighter, and I'm questioning what the hell I'm doing anyway.

So what to do?

I think I've got a good game-plan - or at least a good rough draft of what that process can look like.

1. Ask myself if I'm hungry. I'm pretty good at this step.
2. If I am, ask myself if I want to eat primarily for pleasure or for fuel.
3. If I'm primarily eating for fuel, I make the "best" choice for myself. Something with a lot of nutrients, veggies, fiber, or protein - whatever it is that will meet the strain that my body will feel in the next few hours or day. This means, I choose steamed veggies, not sauteed. It means that I hold the mayo. It means I limit sugar.
3. If I want to eat primarily for pleasure, I need to ask myself if I have the time to actually donate to eating mindfully.
4. If I don't, then I need to choose to eat for fuel reasons at that moment - and then re-evaluate my meal choices at the next time I'm hungry.

To me, that's HUGE!

This means that in the morning, when I'm hungry, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want (for pleasure)...but only if I can actually (gasp!) ENJOY it to the fullest extent. Usually, that isn't the case...so that means that usually I need to choose fuel-friendly options over what would taste the most awesome.

And really, isn't that what happened this morning? I only had a few minutes to grab something...and I needed to eat it on my way to work. I know that on the way to work, I'll be distracted by other drivers, the radio, the fact that I'm running late or something else.

So in those situations, if I order the heavier option, I'm setting myself up for not really tasting my food and for putting lots of unwanted calories in my body. Because in situations where I'm completely distracted, almost anything will do. Why not make the choice that will lead me to my ultimate goal - being smaller and more healthy?

Taking it a step further... if I'm at a bar or hanging out with friends and someone asks me if I want a drink, I'll ask myself if I'll really be tasting it or if I'm going to be so focused on other things that I won't even notice it. If I'm going to be focused on drinking something that is absolutely fabulous, great. If not, perhaps a Bud Light or (GASP!) water will do.

See the difference?

It's no longer about restricting myself to drinking only Bud Light or only eating a bagel thin with egg whites.

It's about being practical.

It's about stopping and inquiring WHY I'm eating the food I'm eating. It's about STOPPING before you order and thinking about what you really need - both physically (i.e. how hungry am I really?) and mentally (will what I order get me closer to or farther away from my goals that I have set up for myself?).

If I'm eating for fuel, then I might want to consider appraising the food in a fuel-based way. In other words, if it's for fuel, I'm preparing my taste buds for something that may not taste the best, but is good for my body. I'm choosing to forgo cheese on my sandwich not because I *can't* have it, but because maybe because I recognize that I'm already going to get my calcium and protein in another way . I'm also acknowledging at that point that I might be so distracted during the eating process that I wouldn't even taste the cheese anyway!

Making a "smarter" choice can happen intuitively because I recognize that the extra calories aren't going to get me closer to what will really make me feel good - a smaller size and a healthier body.

Maybe the fuel-friendly option is your go-to meal...something that you know the points, carbs, or calories of easily. Something you know will nourish you and it's a no-brainer; something you don't have to stress about - either in the preparation or the consumption.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'll go out of my way to eat something that is disgusting just because it's healthy for me. Life is too short for that mentality too. But it means that I can choose the healthier option, the option that is going to fuel my body with the fiber, protein, or nutrients it needs over the one that is higher calorie, fat, or carb. And let's face it, in this day and age, there are many opportunities to choose the more fuel-friendly choice.

If I'm eating primarily for pleasure, then I'll order or prepare something that really seems like it'll hit the spot. And when I take that first bite, if it's not something that tastes absolutely divine, I'm going to give myself permission to make something else. Just like what I wrote about yesterday.

In fact (and here is a big a-ha moment for me), if I notice that I'm always choosing fuel foods over pleasure foods AND start feeling resentful about it, maybe that's a warning sign. It might indicate that it's becoming necessary to schedule in some "me time." Time when I treat myself as a priority. Even if that's getting something that tastes divine and savoring it by myself simply because I enjoy the taste of it and I'm worth enjoying tasty things.

To me, these steps make more sense.  They have some structure behind it. They don't make me feel restricted or not worthy AND they still get me closer to my end goal of being healthier - mind, body, and spirit.

In fact, if anything they make me feel better:
* I'm so important that I'm worth fueling my body with foods that will help it do what I want it to do.
* I'm so loved that I can have awesome tasting things.
* I'm worth slowing down and actually enjoying foods that taste delicious.
* I'm also worth taking care of.
* I'm worth realizing my potential and achieving my dreams.

If mindful eating can work (and I believe it can), perhaps it starts with knowing your own mind; knowing your own pitfalls, triggers, routines, and justifications. And then developing a successful way to navigate around them.

I think I'm finally honing in on what will work for me - both for immediate and long term gratification.

And holy cow, I'm actually feeling something I haven't felt in a long time: clear-headed and optimistic...what a welcome relief!

Stopping and spitting

2011-02-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

(source)

I've been noodling over an idea, a thought, and possibly a mantra.

What if I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do? What if I got to have only the best? What if the enjoyable times were what I focused on?

I'm not talking about EVERYTHING in life. I mean, I don't really want to pay taxes, go the speed limit, or go to work. I'm talking about the really enjoying the little things in life.

Bear with me...

My thoughts are these: for most of my life, I've been telling myself that I was fat. I've also told myself that fat people shouldn't have candy, cookies, brownies, fat, sugar, too much fruit, too much cheese, too much peanut butter, too many carbs, and anything that actually TASTES good.

What happens with me is that when I feel like indulging myself or escaping my life, I imbibe in the above foods as a way to rebel. I eat foods that are on a no-no list because I want to prove that I can. Or maybe I do it because I want to feel loved and good enough in some way.

The thing that occurred to me last night, is that sometimes I'm eating things that don't even taste good. Sometimes, I'm eating them just because I can. Because they're on a forbidden list of things in my head that I've told myself countless times I can't be trusted around. Because I want to feel like I'm worthy of eating whatever I want.

But what if I felt empowered to turn down the food rather than eating it because I'm scared that I'd never be offered it again?

I think THAT is what a lot of being more mindful around food is about.

This past Thanksgiving, I practiced mindful eating better than I had probably in my whole adult life. I ate when I was hungry and I stopped eating when I was no longer hungry.

I dropped a few pounds that week - I was on vacation, I was surrounded by foods I had no control over. And I still lost weight.

One of the key memories I have of that week, was where my younger sister and I were in my dad's kitchen. On the counter was a big box of brownies that someone in my dad's office had made him. They looked absolutely decadent. And they were bite-sized...so something that I could have and probably wouldn't have felt too guilty about indulging in.

In the "old" days, I would've eaten one:
* because it was there
* because I don't usually have brownies in my house
* because I was on vacation
* because my sister was eating one too
* because being around my family completely stresses me out

I looked at it. I *was* hungry. It honestly looked good.

I popped it in my mouth; as I was chewing, I realized that it tasted more flour-y than fudge-y. It wasn't horrible by any means. In fact, it tasted like any other supermarket brownie that you could have.

And that's when I realized that I didn't want to waste my calories or fuel on something that didn't taste great.

So I stopped chewing and I spit it out.

To me, that was a huge win.

I felt empowered when I listened to my body and spit out something that didn't taste amazing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do - including eating food. I can stop any process.

Today I'm going to challenge myself to (gasp!) actually TASTE my food while eating it. And if I don't like it, I'll stop.

I've actually got a few more thoughts percolating around in my brain involving stopping things that are unhealthy and I'm looking forward to writing about them and getting your thoughts.

I think there is a lot of power in stopping whatever I'm doing or about to do so that I can make the healthier choice for me.

We're all worth that at least, right?

I don't want what happened in Vegas to stay in Vegas

2011-02-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote last week that Joe and I went to Vegas to celebrate us, to get away from the cold, and to enjoy a weekend away from it all.

When we arrived at our hotel, we were greeted with friendly faces and opulence like I have rarely seen. Vegas screams money and in some of the casinos, you're overcome by all of the luxury and over-indulgence.

Truthfully, just *thinking* about places like that kind of trigger me. I'm not sure what it is about walking into places that feel bigger than life...do I feel dwarfed? Inferior? Like I need to live up to the hype?

Whatever it is, we both kind of felt like kids in a candy store. We giggled like schoolkids on our way to the room - we had a great time exploring, walking, and people watching. Seriously, some of the things people wear are outrageous! I've always been kind of modest and have had roots in Midwest conservative wear...the 8" platform boots, shorter than short skirts, and cartoon like boobs are C-R-A-Z-Y to me.

After we checked in we realized we were hungry, so we went to the buffet at our hotel.

And oh my gosh - the word "over-indulgence" doesn't cover it. Everywhere I looked, I saw people gorging themselves silly. It was more honesty than I (or them) probably wanted to admit. THIS is what gluttony causes, what it creates, and what it means. People overflowing in their clothes, cramming food down their throats faster than they can possibly taste.

Honestly? It was disgusting. I felt a bit like paying the admission to the buffet garnered me a membership to a place where sick people go to binge.

I was determined to not be one of them.

I walked the entire buffet - surveying each station and dish - trying to decide what I was really hungry for and what really sounded good.

I had a delicious salad - full of fresh veggies that I love. Then I had 6 pieces of sushi, two pieces of ravioli, and a small scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream. That was it.

Each buffet trip we took (one each day) was spent in very much the same way. The last day I ate a bit more than I normally would've, mostly because I started out absolutely famished. I ate quicker than I usually do, and by the time that I stopped, I was okay. But 20 minutes later, I was definitely uncomfortable.

What did I enjoy at the buffets? Fresh foods - including steamed veggies and fresh fruits that I usually don't end up getting at the grocery store. Watermelon is something I never buy because we can never eat all of it before it goes bad...but at the buffets, I could enjoy many pieces of delicious, sweet, and sumptuous watermelon. It tasted so delicious. I tried some new veggies that I hadn't ever had before (hello, jicima!) and enjoyed the different flavors immensely.

Whats more, I felt so empowered each time I got up from the buffet (except for the last time) because I knew that I had stopped before I was full. I stopped before I hated myself and was so miserable that there was no way I could enjoy whatever came next.

We walked around a lot (especially outside where we could be in shirtsleeves and no jackets and still comfortable - something that we haven't been able to do in Denver for a while), we played games, and we lost money. We took pictures of lions, observed magic tricks, and laughed at silly things. We drank a handful of drinks the whole weekend and enjoyed ourselves a lot.

I should mention that the meal on Friday night was at a wonderful Italian place. I had a glass of wine and some mushrooms tossed with fresh gnocchi. It was so good! I paused at halfway through my plate and realized that I was still hungry. So I ate the whole thing. Like most upscale places, their portions weren't gargantuan, so I didn't feel guilty or bad at all.

We dressed up twice, went to see David Copperfield (which was more than a little cheesy and rehearsed, but still amazing) and Cirque Du Soleil's O (which was mind-blowingly fantastic).

We left money in Vegas, but not as much as we planned on leaving. In fact, our last gambling feat was a pull of a slot machine that gave us $26 and change back.

We had a great time...it was exactly what I wanted out of the weekend and I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing.
I had to tell myself several times to relax, to enjoy the moment, to love where I was at right then and who I was with. When I was tempted to "eat my money's worth" at the buffets, I reminded myself that the meal would cost the same whether I ate a ton or not. I reminded myself that my body was worth honoring, worth taking care of. I gave myself permission to have exactly what I wanted right then - even if it was a salad. If I wanted something sweeter or saltier at the next meal, that was fine. But right then I should eat what my body actually wanted.

I had to remind myself that not eating gobs of food didn't mean that I was missing out. Those same types of food would be available at the next meal or buffet.

I want to take what I practiced in Vegas and apply it to my "normal" life here in Denver. It seemed so easy there to be mindful. But here, it feels harder.

Is it that my normal life doesn't feel luxurious and opulent? Maybe. Is it that I'm trying to spoil myself with Milk Duds and fast food because I feel like I deserve it? Maybe. Those are going to be some things that I explore further.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to bring a bit of Vegas home to my life here. Sans the platform boots and glitter.

Vegas, Baby!

2011-02-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

Joe and I are headed to Las Vegas for the weekend. We found a package deal last weekend that was just too good to pass up.

I'm SUPER excited.

First, I've been to Vegas several times - but always for business, never for pleasure (kind of like always a bridesmaid, never a bride).

The thing is, with business trips, I got to stay at the Mandalay Bay, the Venetian, and the Bellagio. Great places, but our budget doesn't call for the best of the best. We're still staying on the strip, but we're not going crazy.

But the thing about going to Vegas for business is that we never ate at one of the buffets. In fact, I didn't even know they had such a thing there (I mean, ASIDE from something like The Golden Corral).

Apparently these buffets are amazing - with pretty much everything your little heart (and stomach) can desire.

So, what to do?

Well, first, I pumped Joe for information - and just so you know, he's completely excited about all his yummy options. These buffets are about $30 a piece (at least at MGM Grand) for dinner.

And oh man, the temptation to just eat whatever I want without any consequences is SO there....and the food isn't even in front of me right now!

But then I realized that $30 for a nice dinner (if it's as nice as Joe says it is) means that I get to be picky. And yes, I can have whatever I want...but I need to be aware that there are consequences to wanting (and eating) lots of high fats/caloric foods.

My plan? To listen to my hunger levels. To take my time. To enjoy the food (if it's as wonderful as he says it is). To get in balanced meals - full of veggies, whole grains, and fruits.

And, most importantly, to not be so stuffed that I can't enjoy the other stuff we want to do in Vegas. Like sight-seeing, watching some shows (we already have tickets to see O!), and walking around.

But I would LOOOVE some tips from you all on how to enjoy Vegas...have you been there? If so, how did you manage on your healthy journey?

Celebrate good times, come on!

2011-02-10T17:05:00.001-07:00

Since I've gotten the job (YAY!) and accepted it, I took a few days off this week before giving my two week notice. My company gives a certain amount of personal days at the beginning of the year that are ours to use how we see fit. If we leave without using them, too bad. So I'm definitely using up my days!

Unfortunately, as soon as you say you're leaving the company, you can't take those days off. So I've had most of this week off - but I actually will be giving my two weeks notice on Monday.

Because I needed to give The New Company an answer, I accepted the job offer this past Tuesday. I'm very excited about the company and the position so I was thrilled to be able to verbally accept. My first day of work is going to be the 7th of March.

If you did the math (February 14 + 2 weeks), you've probably noticed that it means that my last day of work will be February 28th. That means that I'm lucky enough to have a full week off between jobs. Two of those days will be paid for (my company will pay me for my unused vacation days) so I'm really only taking three days off without pay. I'm so blessed that I can do that without the fear of running out of money!

Anyway, after accepting with The New Company, I called Joe to squeal with excitement.

"Pick anywhere you want to go to eat tonight and we'll celebrate!," he said.

I thought about all sorts of places that sounded really good and all the ways that I could indulge. I could have wine, beer, an appetizer, and desert - everything sounded fantastic. I literally was salivating just by thinking of all my options.

But then I remembered my decision to apply and practice mindful eating.

We went to Sweet Tomatoes (a salad buffet place) instead.

Once there, I loaded my plate with fresh veggies (I was really hungry). I enjoyed about an 1/8 of a cup of mushroom soup (it was delicious!) and then had a dish of their fat free soft serve ice cream. It was sooooo good.

I'm not proud that I went to a "diety" place. Instead, what I'm proud of is that even though all those other places sounded good and sounded like a great way to celebrate, it's not really what I wanted. What I wanted was to be able to enjoy the meal with Joe. I wanted to discuss how happy I was with accepting and how I have some reservations about what to say to my boss. I wanted to not feel rushed. I wanted to eat something with a lot of veggies in it - since I hadn't had any all day. I wanted to go to a place where I wouldn't leave heavy and stuffed full. And I really wanted a place that had a sensible desert option.

So, really, I got exactly what I wanted.

I think the problem with the concept of mindful or intuitive eating is that I get caught up in sometimes wanting it to be a free-for-all. I want it to be this magical plan where I eat whatever I want whenever I want it and that I drop pounds like crazy.

In reality, there still has to be a trade-off.

Yes, I *can* have dessert after every meal. But it means that the pounds may not be flying off (if at all) that week. Yes, I *can* have sugar at every meal. But that means that I'm still likely to have sugar headaches and to feel lethargic.

I'm thrilled to say that eating as mindfully as I have (not perfect, but a far cry from where I was even last week), has helped me feel way better than I have been feeling.

I've had more energy and I have enjoyed feeling more in control of my food, versus being controlled by my food and cravings.

And if that isn't a reason to celebrate, I don't know what is.

*I LOVED "Celebration!" by Kool and The Gang when I was a kid. Who am I kidding? I *still* love that song. :)

The art of actually trying...

2011-02-08T07:48:00.001-07:00

Alright, I'm coming clean. I'm REALLY unhappy with my body these days.

As in, I've gained weight AND inches and I'm really unhappy with how I look in the mirror and reflections of store front windows. My skin feels almost as tight as the clothes I'm wearing.

What's more, with this new job (!) that I'm taking on, I need to buy dress clothes for every day wear (I currently wear jeans and a nicer top) and that means that I have to go to Lane Bryant or the likes for my clothes needs. Because dress pants at the Gap (which top out at 16) no longer fit.

Awesome.

I've found myself thinking about going all protein, no carb because I know I drop weight quickly on that. I've wondered about doing Medifast (since Lyn has had so much success). I've even thought a lot of a lot about going back to Weight Watchers - since I lost 56 pounds doing their old program.

But then I realized that I'm not even TRYING to do intuitive eating any more. I'm just eating. I'm not planning, not thinking, not trying to cut some calories, and I'm eating when I'm not hungry. Uhhh...so basically, I'm not doing anything about my eating.

So while I may actually try WW again (since the new PointsPlus actually sounds like it encompasses intuitive eating guidelines more than ever), I'm not going to do that now.

I figure if I'm even thinking about paying $10 per week for a program, I should first take a look at what I'm eating/drinking and why. First, I should actually TRY the lifestyle that I want to be successful at.

So I'm promising myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to stop when I'm no longer hungry. No points, no judgement on what I'm eating. Just that - eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied. For at least a week. And next Tuesday, if I'm still gaining weight like a champ, I can re-evaluate from there.

When I actually DO mindful eating, I lose weight. When I listen to my body's signals of hunger and satiety, I choose foods that are good to me, not just because they're lower in points, calories, or carbs.

I'm coming to the realization that I may need the structure of a standardized program for now. And I'm vowing to have a firm plan by the end of this month - whether to continue what I'm doing or to do a different plan.

But for this week, I'm going to work hard at practicing intuitive/mindful eating. I know it can work...just like I know WW can work. I just need to actually DO the work.

Things that are going to help me?

1. I've been taking pictures of my food before I eat/drink it. That gives me a chance to stop and ask myself how hungry I actually am before ingesting it.

2. I'm going to stop my eating or drinking at 1/4, 1/2, and 3/4 of the way through to ask myself if I'm still hungry or not. This morning, I woke up with a starving tummy. So I made a smoothie with protein powder, spinach, and milk. I only drank about a third of it - because what I had eaten/drank was enough to make me feel satisfied. Even though I hate wasting things, I figured it'll go to my waist if I drink it all...so I might as well waste it.

3. I'm going to brush my teeth after each meal. I'm realizing that I'm snacking when not hungry because it's there or because I can. But eating with freshly brushed teeth tastes kind of nasty. Brushing my teeth will help me be mindful of if I'm really hungry or not. Because if I am, I'll forgo the bad taste to get some fuel. If I'm eating just to eat, I'm finding that I don't eat because I know I won't like the taste.

4. More water. I know I'm only getting in about a liter of water a day. For someone that used to drink almost a gallon, this is quite a drop off. I feel better when I drink more water - and I realize that sometimes I'm not actually hungry, I'm thirsty. This will help me differentiate between the two.

And that's it. This week, I'm promising to be more mindful about what I put in my body.

I owe it to myself.

Starting weight? Let's just say it's higher than where I've been for almost 2 years. UGH.

I got the job!! :)

2011-02-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

I'll have to buy some cute new clothes for the cute new job (oy vey!)...but how exciting is that?!?!? :)

I'll turn in my notice next week (I'm owed 5 days of leave still...and if I tell them now, I don't get to take it) and then hopefully I'll get a week off in between the two jobs (without pay, but some things are worth it). Sp right now it looks like I'll be starting the new job on March 7th.

I am happy - and a bit scared. I've been at this company for 4 years and it's a very big fish/small pond type situation. I'm the best of the best here...and me leaving may mean fewer blog posts (because I'm likely to be more challenged) and some serious adjustment.

Like, for starters, I can't run at lunch - which is one of my very favorite things to do.

But like I said, some things are worth adjusting.

YAY! :)

Back in the saddle again...

2011-02-07T08:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday morning, Joe and I woke up earlier than we have in probably a month (at least on the weekend). We've gotten in this bad habit of sleeping LATE on the weekends. I won't say how late lest you parents roll your eyes and curse me, but late.

Anyway, yesterday we woke up earlier and we decided to work out. Truthfully, I didn't want to. I had taken a sleeping pill the night before and was still really groggy. And I knew that if I told him that I would do the 30 Day Shred video while he worked out, that would be a lie.

So we got dressed and we went to the workout room together because I knew that even 10 minutes on the elliptical would be better than nothing.

Camilla the Exercise Queen was on the treadmill running at a 8.0 pace AND READING A BOOK. Folks, I don't know how that can be done, but I'm pretty sure that means she's not human.

I did the elliptical for about 5 minutes until she got off the treadmill and then I took her place.

I was SO nervous. I hadn't run since October 6th. What if I sucked completely? What if I couldn't run at all? What if Joe saw me fail? What if my belly (that has grown amazingly fast in the last few months) hit the reset button, causing the treadmill to halt suddenly, and causing me to trip and fall? I'm just saying...it's a possibility that floats in my head.

But I ran anyway.

And I'm kind of proud and also kind of not-so proud of the progress that I made.

First, I ran the first mile - at a pace that was MUCH slower than my standard pace - but I ran the whole thing!

But after that I didn't have much juice left - so I walked at a 4.2 and 3.0 incline (alternating running at a 5.2 pace at 0 incline) for the rest of our 30 minute work-out time.

It's not super fast - and it's far off my awesome pace of under 10 minutes/mile that I worked myself to.

But it's a starting point.

I found myself wanting to give up during that first mile...and then I realized that I actually wasn't hurting. I wasn't out of breath and my lungs weren't on fire. I was just uncomfortable. It didn't feel good to move my body in such a way after such a long time of not running. I was tired. I was lethargic. And I REALLY hate running on a treadmill.

I told myself to suck it up anyway. One mile of constant running wasn't going to kill me, dammit. And I wanted to prove it to myself that I could do it.

And I did.

Between doing that and the shred video, I'm super sore today.

I'm sad at how much pace/time/distance I've lost. But I'm happy that I have a new starting point.

I've signed up for the 5 mile Cherry Creek Sneak in May and the 7K Running of the Green in March. I have a lot of distance to make up, but it feels good to have a goal again - one that isn't based on the number on the scale.

Today - all over again

2011-02-03T08:06:00.001-07:00

As all of you know, yesterday was Groundhog Day. And if you're anything like me, you're thinking of that movie with Bill Murray...and now you might even have "I've got you babe" stuck in your head.

As I was reading blogs yesterday, I came across Karen's at Waisting Time. She wrote about Groundhog Day (the movie and the actual day) and asked, "So my questions for you today are these: Is there anything you would go back and change on you road to a healthy lifestyle? Or anything else in your life you’d like to do over, if you could?"

I gave my answer - that I would've liked to have gotten "with the program" sooner. I would've told myself that I was worth it and that I COULD succeed sooner. I would've done everything that I did, mistakes included, sooner. Even if only a day sooner.

And then this a-ha moment hit me.

It may get a bit confusing, so work with me here...

What if there was a future self that was able to pick a day where you could really turn your life around? Not a day that you DID turn it around, but that you COULD'VE?

What I mean is, what if there was one day - one day where you could either choose to be on the same path of unhealthy decisions or a path where you would change. Where you'd make yourself matter, your partner matter, your kids matter. Where you'd be a better mom, person, friend, or self?

We'd all like to believe that if given that opportunity to right the wrongs, to do better, we would take it.

But, what if your future self picked today to be that day?

What if your whole life could be turned around by the lessons you learn today?

It's a motivating thought for me. Not that some random day could be picked, but the idea that TODAY matters.

TODAY counts.

TODAY is the day to get closer to the goals I have and further away from the life I used to live.

And tomorrow? It'll be today all over again...

Running in -26 Windchill

2011-02-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Seriously, WHAT is up with this picture and/or sport???
It was too bizarre to not share...

In case you're not living in the Denver Metro area, I should probably tell you that it's been absurdly cold here. Yesterday the *high* was *negative* three. Last Friday it was almost 70. Nice temperature swing, huh?

So yesterday morning, I had my last interview with "the" company. Only I realized as I was leaving that I was running late. Very late...as in, I'd have to hoof it to get there on time.

I should probably say here that I wanted to feel confident in my looks during this interview...and even though it was cold, I was prepared to forgo some "warm" items so that I would feel cute and confident. That meant no hat, no bulky long underwear, and (I know I'm going to hear about this) no coat. I didn't have one that would look cute over a suit...so I just didn't wear one.

It wouldn't have been so bad except for the fact that the front door to our building is almost two blocks away from the door to get into the parking garage.

So I did what any non-sane person would do in this situation. I ran to my the parking garage.

And okay, I know what you're going to say. You ran two blocks? Whoop-dee-do.

The thing is, I ran two blocks in -15 degrees and when I arrived at the door, I was completely fine. No burning chest; no hacking cough. Just frozen nostrils. And hey - I wasn't freezing cold by the time I got to the door - win win!

I think I've been afraid to run - probably because my last run before my surgery was kind of traumatic. But all this 30 Day Shredding has put me in better shape than I thought.

Such good shape that I'm starting to have my confidence back for running...such that I plan on running at least once in the next week. I know it may not sound like lofty goals, but I suspect that if I run and don't die on the treadmill that I'll continue to be back up and running in no time.

It feels good to feel more like ME these days. Healthy, competent, confident me.

Safety first...

2011-01-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have a few things to report on today, but safety first...

Mid 2010, I ran across a product that really filled a need I had. See, I had been steadily ramping up my running, but when I moved in with Joe (in downtown Denver) I wasn't so confident of my surroundings and found myself sticking with shorter distances. Sure, I try to tell people that I'm strong and could fend off an attack. I tell myself that I'm healthy and that nothing should happen to me. But what if something DID happen to me? As my distance training lengthened, I got a bit more wary.

Until I ran across Road ID. In fact, I believed in it so strongly, that I got one for Joe too.

What IS a Road ID? Well, it's either a band, bracelet, or strap that is attached to you when you run. The band has either your contact information or an "interactive version" where you put in your unique code on their website and it will give your saviour your information. This means that if someone finds your body (or shoe or dismembered body part), they can't call someone right then. They have to lug the appendage to a computer and then figure out who to call from there. My luck, it'd be someone like my mom who happened upon it and would be all "I'd LIKE to help, but computers confuse me...so maybe I'll just leave this poor girl here and pray that someone else stops."

If you choose to have your info on it, you can customize it to however you want it to look, but Joe and I picked basically the same thing: the Shoe ID version. It's velcro and just attaches to the laces of your running shoes. This was perfect for me, because I didn't have to remember to strap on something else prior to my runs AND I didn't have to deal with the irritation of something rubbing against my wrists or ankles. Besides, I only use my running shoes for when I run, so I didn't have to worry about leaving it behind.

Joe and I both chose to have our names (in case we needed to be checked into a hospital so our loved ones could find us easily) and three phone numbers. Joe has a medication allergy, so he listed that too.

Honestly? I hope that it's never used...but I feel better knowing that it's there should it be needed.

Why am I writing you about this? Because I just got an email that stated they're having a sale, where the Road IDs are 10% off. So from now until February 21st, you can enter "pcVDay14" upon check-out and get 10% off your order. The coupon code apparently IS case-sensitive and no, you shouldn't use the quotation marks around the code when entering it. :)

Okay, secondly, I rocked last week's interview...BUT it turns out I still have another one to pass through before being offered the job. The more I know about this job, the more I like it...but SHEESH! This will be our fourth conversation (three in-person interviews) and I'm kind of ready to end this process so I can get on with my life, whatever employer I may work for. It'd be more money than I make now, and hopefully more vacation, but these hoops that I'm having to jump through are feeling like a bit much.

Lastly? I kindasorta didn't do Jillian Michael's 30 DayShred this weekend. Both Joe and I came down with a stomach bug and then the flu - which involved running a temperature for me and general crankiness for us both. We slept over 17 hours on Saturday and over 13 on Sunday. I feel a bit better today and I've committed to doing the 30 Day Shred DVD if I'm not running a temperature tonight when I get home. So I'll do 30 out of 32 days...and that's got to be good enough!

Oh, and just so we're clear, I don't have anything to do with Road ID - it's just a product that I really like and figured you all might think is groovy too. They're not paying me a dime and don't know that I am even writing about it.

Thank you

2011-01-27T10:18:00.001-07:00

I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but I couldn't - because the mantra that kept pouring out of me was "Thank you."

Seriously. Your advice, emails, and listening ears regarding my last post helped out a ton.

To be honest, I'm not sure I ever really thought about things the way that some of you wrote. I mean, yes, I've written about what Geneen Roth calls your "inclination to bolt" as a way to zone out of your life as it stands... but in some ways I wasn't aware of how deep it could go. I knew I was afraid of feeling empty and alone, but I didn't really think to figure out WHY those feelings were so uncomfortable.

I've done some processing about why that feels so darn uncomfortable and my hope is that I'll be able to put those issues to rest - or at least to peace.

Truthfully, like every time I drop a bomb (something that I've been holding in and not sharing) on this blog, it felt better just writing what was going on in my head. This was no exception.

I have a lot to think about.

In the meantime, our second session with the couples counselor is tonight - where hopefully we'll be able to figure out more about how much longer I'm willing to wait and how much thought he's putting into this. I know he's trying. Guys don't agree to go to a therapist for the first time in their lives weekly AND add in a couples counselor if they're not at least willing to do some work on the subject. And I know he wouldn't go through all this just for anyone.

Is that enough? And if it is, will it be enough for forever? Maybe. Maybe not.

In other news, I had the third (and hopefully final) interview on Tuesday and I feel like it went really well. If they do offer something that is within my requested salary range, I'll take it and be happy. They said that I would hear soon and when I left, the HR manager gave me a benefits package to review "until the next time that we talk." The two people I interviewed with indicated several times that they would give me an offer.

Lastly, I've started to do some thinking about how to structure my eating, my approach to eating, or my plan of eating a bit better.

I believe that intuitive eating CAN work...but I believe that I need some more structure. I brainstormed with some ways on how to do this - and maybe it means sticking strongly to the "rules" that Geneen has written about in many of her books. Maybe it means taking pictures of my food before I eat so that I can pause and actually decide how hungry I am before I start.

Whatever the case, I feel more optimistic today that the cycle of overeating can and will stop.

And that? Is progress.

The art of ignoring

2011-01-25T07:38:00.015-07:00

Note: This post ain't pretty. But it is where I'm at and honestly? It's where I have been.

When I was a kid, and other kids teased me, my mom always told me to ignore it.

"Ignore it and they'll stop."

The thing is, although she was right in that situation, it's not exactly a healthy coping strategy for things that bug me now.

So here we go...

I want to get married to Joe. I want to have kids with Joe.

And, for the most part, Joe doesn't want that. It's not that he does NOT want it, he just doesn't WANT it. Make sense?

Basically, he's not sure. And the not sure thing? It's eating at me. So I'm eating it.

When I went into surgery, I weighed the same as I did when I went to my mom's for Christmas. Since then? I've gained 7 pounds. So you tell me how I can not gain weight in two months, most of which I spend as a sedentary blob, and now I'm gaining weight like a champ when I'm busy and active?

Ahhh...yes. That would be me - bolting from the reality that is my life.

I use food to veg out. To check out. To take my mind away from the reality that I have a few outcomes in front of me - most of which involve my relationship going by the wayside.

"But you seem so happy!," you might be thinking.

And the kicker is? You'd be right. I am *SO* happy. We laugh and have fun. He fits with my family and I absolutely adore his family and friends. We have a good sex life and we are there for each other when things aren't so great. We take refuge in each other's arms - like ducking under a shelter in the middle of the sh!t storm that is life sometimes.

But he still doesn't realize that.

And I am left feeling like I'm not enough. Like this relationship, the best thing I've ever been a part of in my entire life, isn't good enough for him.

Wednesday, the day of my interview (that I rocked), I came home in a foul mood. We had gotten a few measly inches of snow which turned all the drivers around me into sliding, fumbling nincompoops. The normally twenty minute drive took over an hour and a half. It was, to be clear, a very frustrating time. But as I sat fuming in my car, cursing the drivers around me, I realized that I couldn't possibly be *this* pissed about the weather and driving.

I walked in the door and found Joe who was making dinner (the first in our whole time together). He was smiling, warm, and happy. And I wasn't. I was cranky and when he asked about the interview, I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I told him that it wasn't him, it was me, but that I just needed a moment to myself. I went in my room, changed into warm and comfy fun pants and then came out to talk to him.

At one point, when we were talking about the job, he encouraged me to do whatever it was that I wanted. Calm, supportive, thoughtful, and sweet - that's Joe.

But all of the sudden it was too much.

"I don't get to do what I want," I said. "Because if I got to do what I wanted, I'd marry you right this instant. I'd have your babies. We'd get a dog. I'd move in more of my stuff into our tiny place. I'd quit my job, become an elementary school teacher in the same district as our kids so I could have summers and holidays off with them. Don't tell me to do what I want...because I can't do that."

He stared at me and then opened his arms, where he folded me - crying, sobbing me - into his comforting embrace. He didn't say anything to refute what I said. He didn't assure me that it would all work out. He didn't tell me that he wanted the same. He didn't tell me that he didn't want the same. He just hugged me.

It's the same dance we've been doing for months now. It's this THING in our relationship - one of the few things we actually disagree on. But this thing? It's becoming bigger and stronger than I am sometimes.

It's not that I have to have kids or I won't be happy married to Joe. If we couldn't have kids, we'd find some way to have them in our lives - adoption, fostering, or being a Big Brother or Sister in social organizations. I'm not interested in marrying him for his sperm. But I'm not going to say that having my own children isn't a HUGE pull for me right now either.

It's that I feel like I have two chances. The chance to marry Joe and the chance to have kids of my own.

My worst nightmare is having my OB say to me that it's too late to have kids. He told us when I was in his office (during the whole uterine fibroid thing), that after mine was removed, we'd have a few years in which to have kids. Then, my awesome lady bits would likely keep growing fibroids - ones as big as the grapefruit-sized one that I had removed - ones that probably would crowd out any fetus wanting to grow in there. Is he 100% right?  Maybe; maybe not. Could I go to other docs to get a different opinion? Probably. But the thing is, he's the specialist I trust. I trust that what he's saying is true.

So let's say I hang in there with Joe and hope that he comes around. Let's say he never does. Let's say I eventually leave him. Let's say that a while later, I find someone who is ready to settle down and treats me almost as well as Joe does. Let's say that then? It's too late for me to have kids. Now I don't have Joe or kids.

It boils down to this: I'm finding myself trying to choose between the chance to have kids someday and the chance to be Joe's wife someday. The hard part is that I don't know what my actual chances are at either.

If I were given the choice to marry Joe or have kids, I would pick Joe every time.  But the very real choice of giving up the chance to have kids for the chance to be Joe's wife is too risky for me.

But really? That's big talk. Because I also can't see myself walking away from a relationship as wonderful as I believe ours to be. That doesn't come along every day...so why would I walk away from it?

But then again, if it's so great, why can't he see that?

So that's where we are - in a crossroads of our relationship.

In the good news department, we had a big ol' fight mid-Decemberish. Mostly about other stuff...like his inability to trust me with some parts/aspects of his life...but this issue came up. It's not exactly a unique fight - with me or previous exes. He's 44 and until I moved in, he'd never lived with anyone else before. Never been engaged either. Inability to commit isn't exactly a new thing for him.  Ultimately, he agreed (reluctantly) to see a therapist - both for himself and with me as a couple.

Those people are specialists too...and they should be able to help us figure out what we want to do or what we don't, right?

He had his first session with the therapist in December. We had our first session as a couple on the 13th of January and all I can say is oh.my.gosh this going to be tough.

In the meantime, it's me. Me and a whole lotta' uncertainty.

Know what's easier to face than the uncertainty? The plate full of food in front of me. The drive-thru lady during my lunch break. The supermarket clerk on my way home.

Because in those moments, when I'm hurriedly eating food, I don't have to face the fear that I'm not enough for the person I've loved most in my life. I don't have to worry about how I may never feel a baby kick inside me. I don't have to worry how I'm going to handle being the Maid of Honor at my baby sister's wedding in two months when what I want most is to getting married myself. I don't have to weigh possibilities or plans to change anything. I don't have to think about steps to leave the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't have to deal with the worry that I might be pushing and sabotaging my relationship for something that I don't even know that I can do. I mean, it's not like I've ever TRIED to get pregnant anyway.

So eating when I'm hungry? I can do that.

But stopping when I'm no longer hungry? When I do that, I feel empty. Alone. Foolish. Left-over. Passed-over. Not good enough.

I'm not sure what the solution is. I know that I'm actively doing things to try to figure myself and us out. I know he's doing the same. I know that's something.

I want to fight for this. But sometimes? I want to ignore the fact that I have to fight for this. I want to ignore the idea that another sh!tty thing might happen to me in the long line of sh!tty things that have happened to me.

I want to ignore the voice that's screaming "I told you so" when I had the audacity to hope.

The wonder of not being sore!

2011-01-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. I thought this day would never come...

I'm actually not sore 100% of the time. Truthfully, I'm only sore about 2% of the time - and I'm so thankful!

Doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred DVD every day (yeehaw! I'm still 6 for 6!) so far has been a challenge. And it might be delusional thinking, but I'm actually able to give more effort to each exercise and I don't hate her *as much* at the end of each workout as I did before.

She's beginning to grow on me.

Having said that, I'm still not ready to move to Level 2. Level 1 still kicks my butt and I can't do a proper push up to save my life. But I'm getting better.

In other news, the phone interview that I had two weeks ago turned into an in person interview last week. That interview has turned into a second in person interview this week (date TBD - we're playing phone tag).

The thing is, I'm not sure I want this job or not. It'd be more money, but I'm not sure that I like where the position would lead...which is into more sales and less engineering. At the end of the day, I'm a nerd and enjoy numbers, charts, percentages and graphs more than most people. I know that there may be other career paths I can enter down, but I'm trying to figure out how to ask that question in our next face-to-face meeting tactfully.

The last thing to mention here is that I've been getting some great sleep on the weekends - and I think that makes a huge difference to my mood, my eating, and my life. I got 12 hours of sleep on both Friday and Saturday nights this past weekend...and it felt AMAZING.

In fact, I think I'm starting to realize that I need more sleep to feel satisfied than I ever thought. When I get more rest, I find it easier to reach for better foods or to be able to have the patience to actually judge how hungry I am before I start eating.

Healthy behaviors lead to healthy behaviors, no?

Smoothies, soreness, and self-confidence - Oh my!

2011-01-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hello there peeps!

Smoothies:
First, thank you SO much for your comments and suggestions on what you do to make the most out of your breakfast smoothies. Two great sites that I've heard about (in case you're interested) are: Pimp My Protein Shake (although her recipes can be a bit complicated) and Green Monster Movement.

I have to say that I am super excited to try all of the things that I've found. The thing that would make my life easier is to not have to blend the ice...mostly because we only have cubes available, not crushed ice. My bullet is doing okay with it, it just takes awhile to blend, especially because I only blend for a minute at a time, so as to not overheat the motor.

I'm SO excited to tell you about my newest love. I used about two cups of spinach, a cup of low fat organic chocolate milk, and a scoop of some whey protein powder (french vanilla creme) that Joe has. I blended all the ingredients and then kept adding ice cubes as needed until I got this:

[Side note? We totally need to get more light in our place. It's like a cave which doesn't work well when taking pictures with my phone.]

Anyway, it was FABULOUS. It was just under 300 calories and had a TON of protein in it. Also? It tasted like a chocolatey vanillaish milkshake.

I know what you may be thinking - 300 calories is a lot. And it is - or at least, it can be. Someone could use a cup of fat free milk (at 90 calories a cup versus 190 in the chocolate milk for a cup) to reduce the calories to around 200. But I enjoyed this yummy shake in the evening, after my 30 Day Shred workout, as a meal. I wasn't super hungry after my workout, and I really didn't feel like fixing something intricate. So 300 calories chalk full of good stuff for me? It was great and it fit my needs at the time. I won't be having this often - or as a breakfast smoothie. If something is chocolatey in the morning, I tend to crave sweets all day long after that.

My next idea is to incorporate some sort of fiber into it to make it 1) even more filling and 2) even more deserving of the category "The Green Movement."

Soreness:

Y'all... I'm not going to lie to you. Doing the 30 Day Shred video every day so far has pretty much been horrible. For the last three days, I wanted to grunt and moan in pain pretty much all the time. I can't believe a) how sore I am - my quads ache from just walking! and b) how out of shape I am (hello! My quads ache from just walking??).

In fact, Joe commented on my pain yesterday morning when I got up to shred and grunted in pain. He asked, "Why are you doing this again?" I explained my pledge to myself and you guys - to do this Godforsaken video every day for 30 days.

And I meant it - a promise is a promise.

This morning, I woke up and I was less sore than I have been - which means that I'm making progress. Which means that I'm less likely to complain about my sore muscles (note: I said less complaining, I'm not a robot, people!) :)

I'm proud that I've decided to jump into this plan wholeheartedly. I'm accomplishing something - even if I have to switch to just one weight sometimes, even if end each workout with some not-very-happy-pants words directed at her.

Self-confidence:

I had my second interview with a company yesterday. I woke up a bit nervous, but after finishing the workout yesterday morning, I had gotten rid of some of my nervous energy. I love how exercise can do that for a person.

The interview went pretty well. To be honest, I'm not quite sure if I'll like the job or not...it's pretty much like the same stuff I do now. Only instead of working with dirty piece of metal, I'll be working with another. It is more pay and I hope if I'm given the job, I can negotiate more time off too.

I had a moment of panic when I realized that movement, in general, causes me to grimace slightly due to the soreness (we're out of ibuprofen and I never remember this until I realize I'm walking like a zombie). How will that play to an interview board?

But then I remembered that by doing the shred, I've had a new found confidence in me - I've done something so far that few even attempt. And I know I will be successful.

So when I walked in, I had confidence in myself. I remembered that I don't need that job (which is a different situation than a lot of other people I know). I have a job that most days I don't mind. I like my life the way it is, for the most part. So I don't need to sell myself desperately to them. I just need to show them me. They'll either recognize the quality or not. We'll either click, or we won't.

Funny, but that was the same attitude I had when I met Joe at the speed dating event over a year and a half ago.

Confidence is pretty amazing stuff, no?

Breakfast Smoothies

2011-01-19T07:51:00.115-07:00

I like to mix up my breakfasts...for a while, I was enjoying a toasted double fiber english muffin with peanut butter and bananas. Then, I made an oatmeal that was chocolatey and hearty. Recently, I've been going old school and enjoying quick oats, milk, and raisins (microwaved together) for a breakfast that I can make in the office.

But I've still been hungry before lunch...and that is presenting a bit of a problem.

See, since I've had this new, longer commute, I've been snacking on some almonds in the car. The raw almonds are there to fend off the HAM phase, so the container isn't quite big enough to be able to munch on all week long.

So after I munch on almonds, I come into the office and drink some tea or coffee. I'm not really full - or satisfied. At this point, I'm just no longer hungry. Around 10ish I start to get really hungry. It's kind of too early to eat my lunch, but it's a bit too late to eat the oatmeal - because I know that that will fill me up until later. I wish I could find something that would help me feel full in the morning and then last all morning long.

Limiting factors: I don't like to get up early to make breakfast. Even if I did, Joe doesn't get up as early as I do. I our tiny loft sounds travel like crazy (I blame it on the fact that we don't have "ceilings" to top off the wall partitions in our place...think of it as us living in a cubicle environment). And oh yeah, at work, we have a fridge and a microwave so I can't get too creative there.

I feel better and more satisfied, all day, if I have a hearty and filling breakfast in the morning.

But I want to lose weight, too. So eating a few handful of almonds (I'm not measuring) isn't exactly the "best" thing I could do...and certainly snacking from 10 to noon isn't helping. I started bringing fruit in, but I don't usually turn to it for some reason.

And then I got to thinking about Roni's smoothies that she's done. And I started thinking about how I could do that too.

We do have a blender, but ours is big and bulky. And I knew that if I had to drag that thing out every day, I would eventually not do it. Add that to the fact that it doesn't blend things completely and you get an unappealing option (for me at least).

So I went to researching on the internets and found (what I feel) is the best option.

Monday, I bought what Roni uses to make her smoothies in - the Magic Bullet from Costco. I know the Costco site says that they're on sale until January 30th for $39.99, but it was only $34 at my local Costco - with an instant manufacturers rebate. You *can* buy the exact same kit it from Amazon, but it's a bit more expensive. Around the same price as at Costco, you can get a bit of a different kit on Amazon, but it doesn't have the "on the go" tops which make it easier to not slosh around in your car. I drink mine through a straw while in the car, but the top makes it easier for me to walk the few blocks to my car without spillage.

The people from Magic Bullet have in no way compensated me - they don't even know that I'm writing this...heck, they don't even know who I am. But I figure if you've been searching for the same thing as I have, you might be curious to know what I like and what I don't like. To be clear, I haven't used it for anything else (although apparently there are many things you can do with it)...I've just made smoothies. :)

I've had two breakfast smoothies since then in the Magic Bullet and here are the things that I really like:

I LOVE that it's a smaller gadget. We don't have much room so anything that doesn't take up much space is handy. The base is about the size of a coffee grinder. Of course, you do have to find room for the mugs and tops.
I love that you can mix the drinks right in the mug - without having to wash more stuff. I don't have much time in the mornings and I don't love washing out stuff that I'm just going to use again the next day. With this, I just use one mug for each day - and the mug I used goes right in the wash. There is a new mug/blender assembly waiting for me the next day.
Your drink is already proportioned. I'd hate to make a whole smoothie and then not have enough space in my mug/glass to fit it all in. This way, what you fit in the mug is it's capacity. So nothing goes to waste.
It blends everything really smoothly. Admittedly, the first time, it wasn't so smooth...and I had bits of spinach and blueberries that I couldn't just swallow without chewing a bit (it should be noted that I actually hate pulpy orange juice for this same reason- so this is my issue, maybe not yours). The second time, I made sure that I blended everything for longer...and it was perfect! As far as the ice, it's smoothed out completely - no huge chunks like our traditional blender.

Things I'm not a huge fan of:

The smell. It has a hot or burning smell sometimes - usually when I hold it down for long periods of time (go figure!). I just try to pulse it when it gets to this point. I've read other reviewers complain of the same thing...and it makes me doubt the longevity of the product. I just ease up for a few seconds and then go at it again and it blends just fine after that. But so far, so good.
You have to be kind of careful about how you add everything. I find it best to add the fruit/veggies first to blend it all smoothly and THEN add the ice to make it a smoothie.

ANYWAY, no matter what appliance you make your smoothie with, there are now countless options for me!

My first smoothie was made with: blueberries, a spear of pineapple, probably a half of a cup of spinach leaves, and non-fat plain greek yogurt. It's pictured to the left. As you can see, there are some small chunkies of blueberry skins and veins of spinach leaves in there (as I mentioned previously). The next time I vowed to blend more. According to other blogs, I add more spinach, it's supposed to greener (making it a "Green Monster") versus the purple-ish/brownish color that is displayed here.

In my second smoothie (in addition to blending more thoroughly), I added some healthy oils, a strawberry, and a small bit of agave nectar (the yogurt that I use is plain and has a bit of a tarter taste than what I'd ideally like).

So far, so good. When I got to work, I was completely satisfied and have enjoyed water each morning until lunchtime . What's more, I feel fantastic that I have used healthy ingredients to make a healthy and delicious morning treat. It's fast, easy, doesn't take up a lot of room, and is something that I can enjoy on the go.

For all you Weight Watchers, if you make it with just fruit and veggies, I guess this would be a 0 point drink (although I don't know because I'm not a member...perhaps this is something you should take to your leader :) ).
I'm looking into maybe adding some protein powders to it, or some nut butters, or perhaps a bit of flax seed. Something to give me more protein or boost it's nutritional value.

Do you enjoy smoothies? If so, what do you put in them? Do you add any powders or mixes to boost the nutritional value or are you a fruit/veggie purist?

I can't wait to hear from you guys - this is something I'm super excited about and I'd love to know what more of you all are using or have used. So PUHLEEZE chime in!

Groaning on cloud nine

2011-01-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a bold declaration: to do Jillian's 30 Day Shred every day for 30 days.

And I'm going to be honest with you...I almost didn't. I left work late - after working an 11 hour day. I was kind of hungry and I needed to stop by the store to pick up some more fresh fruit. I didn't WANT to do it. I didn't feel a deep burning yearning to exercise like I have before. Instead, I really just wanted to go home and relax.

'I can just start tomorrow!,' I thought. No one will know. And besides, it's not like you're breaking a streak of hard work. You haven't even started yet. What's one more day?

But I made a promise to myself and to you. AND I know that me not exercising has drug on day by day until whoopsies! It's been almost 3 months since I've done anything significant. I can't let that trend continue. I matter too much.

So I did it anyway. Even when I walked through the door and didn't want to change into workout clothes. Even when I started the DVD and remembered how irritating it is not to be able to skip through Jillian's intro. Even when I had my doubts as to whether or not there would be enough space in our loft apartment. And even when I realized that I didn't have the dumbbells that she wants us to use.

I had a lot of reasons I could've thrown in the towel.

But I didn't.

Behold, my "dumbbells" used during the DVD (made of plastic because I am quite the clumsy one sometimes). The bottle of water is 1 liter and the bottle of Kahlua is bigger than that (and almost full...we aren't big drinkers. I think this bottle is more than a few years old). The thing in between them is the our bathroom clock where I was hoping you could see the date and time.

Behold the close-up of said clock showing the date and time.

Behold, my sweaty face.

I'm so proud of myself.

That first workout was the hardest one I've had in a while. Not because I've physically lost so much ground from when I used to run regularly (and let me tell you, I can't believe how out of shape I am these days). But because it was hard to get myself psyched up to actually do it.

I think that I've felt so defeated by my body recently. After my surgery in October, I had a string of complications where my body just wouldn't stop having problems. It hurt *so* badly. And I think mentally, I have gotten used to thinking "oh, I can't do that."

Last night, I proved that I could. I may not have anywhere close to perfect form when it comes to any of the exercises. My breathing may not be great. And let's face it, I'm going to have to get my dumbbells out of storage because the huge plastic bottles of liquid aren't exactly easy to hold on to.

But I did it.

My arms are sore. My quads are sore. My knees are aching a tad. Even thinking about rising out of my office chair is enough to make me groan in advance. But I'm on cloud nine.

The first day getting "back on the wagon" with diet seems to be harder than any other day. And the first workout is about the same. It's daunting. It feels like a huge obstacle, a huge burden. For me, at least, the anxiety builds because I doubt myself as to whether I can actually do it.

But when you triumph? It feels awesome.

For all you Biggest Loser fans, you might as well know that right now I have the BL theme in my head: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

Today, for the first time in a while, I actually have an answer.

*Also, if you're curious about what my take is on the 30 Day Shred, let me know and I'll post a bit of a review on it. I love some DVDs but sometimes I feel reluctant to buy new ones without hearing how someone I "know" liked it. It has a few pros and cons (just like anything). Alternately, I'd love to know what DVDs you guys really love.

I'm dating Jillian

2011-01-17T10:52:00.001-07:00

This morning, I had a horrible thing happen...

My jeans ripped. At work. Where I didn't have more jeans or pants.

Know what I did have? A fleece jacket (pretty much part of the required uniform in Colorado). So I quickly tied it around my waist and went into my boss' office. I started to say that I had an emergency and that I needed to take an hour off. But instead I told him the truth - which was basically that I had an emergency and needed to leave for an hour). He was understanding and I went home to change.

They didn't split in my thigh area, but rather in the butt. And after I took them off at home I still didn't see a stress part where it stemmed from. It's not like these were especially threadbare, so I'm not sure what happened. These jeans weren't tight on me (no shoehorn needed to get into them!), but they weren't baggy either so I really am stumped.

Know what I do know? I need to buy more jeans. And I REALLY hate that idea since I already have TWO new pairs of jeans in the closet that I can't fit into.

(sigh)

This actually is good though. Because after losing two pounds this past week (YAY!) I decided that even though I want to continue to pay attention to my food, what I really need/want is to move more. And I know myself well enough that I need to have a goal or I get lazy about exercising.

I actually have two goals. But the first involves a certain little lady who yells.

That's right, folks. I'm taking the 30 Day Shred Challenge.

I promise (to myself mostly...but putting this out there means that I'm more likely to not squelch on the promise) to sweat with Jillian for the next 30 days, starting today.

I've done the shred before - and even done it consistently. But 30 days in a row? Not so much.

I know that Jams and Debbie did it. So I know it's possible. AND I know that my body will love being able to do something positive. My mind will love being able to accomplish a goal - one that isn't tied to a certain number of calories eaten or pounds lost.

Joe knows about my goal and he promised to be in another room while I'm doing it if he's at home. AND a good friend from college is coming to visit me on the 18th of next month...so I'll have completed this and won't have to worry about the conflict of a guest.

I know I'll regret writing this tomorrow...but I'm kind of excited about spending this much time with Jillian.

What about you - any short term goals you have that you're willing to share?

Just do it

2011-01-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I was in band. I know what you may be thinking, being in band is stupid. Only geeks, nerds, or dorkfishes were in band. And you know what? You may be right.

The difference is that my high school had a fantastic band. As in the year I graduated, we were invited to play for the Russian government in Moscow. As in composers wrote music for only our band to play. And, as in we got this major award a few times, one that's only given out to one band in the nation each year.

Anyway, our band director was a pretty mean guy. Sure, he put his pants on one leg at a time and all, but he was terrifying. Oh who am I kidding? He still IS terrifying. Everyone respected him - or at least that's what it seemed. He demanded perfection and usually? He got it.

He had a couple of sayings - ones that he'd say so often we'd all be rolling our eyes inwardly each time he said them. When I was in high school, I suppose I was like most other high school students - which is to say, that I already knew everything and had little interest in listening to an old man (I mean, he had to be in his 40s!) telling me stuff that I'd never use.

As I've gotten older, I suppose I've gotten dumber, because his sayings are more motivational now.

"If you don't clap for yourself, who will?"

"Become the most enthusiastic person you know. Even if you don't feel enthusiastic PRETEND to be enthusiastic. Then you'll find that you ARE enthusiastic."

"Even if you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway." We'll ignore the undertones of high school pressures of sex FOR NOW.

I think that I've been waiting to FEEL like losing weight. I know I need to. I know my joints want me to. And I know it'd be healthier for me to. I know I need to pay attention to my hunger signals. But I don't feel like it. Even though if I don't do something soon, I'm going to need to buy new pants.

(sigh)

So today, even though I don't feel like it AT ALL, I'm still going to do SOMETHING.

I have a phone interview at 1 PM that would mean a significant pay raise. Not quite sure if the company is a good fit or not right now, but I suppose that's the point of first interviews. I don't expect the interview to last all my lunch hour, so I plan on walking around my new office area with what's left of the hour.

It's not anything significant - nothing like when I used to change into my running clothes, run a 5K and then shower again in my lunch hour...but it's SOMETHING.

I don't feel like it. But I'll pretend that I do anyway. Maybe Mr. Lambrecht was right...maybe doing it anyway will make me more likely to want to do it next time.

Fake it until you make it, right?

I might be hiding Jimmy Hoffa

2011-01-12T11:57:00.002-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I had the best of intentions to eat, go to therapy, workout and watch The Biggest Loser.

Confession: I didn't do that.

Instead, I remembered that I had a follow-up appointment late in the day with my OBGYN to make sure that everything post surgery and post ruptured cysts were okay.

This meant that I was lucky enough to get another visit with the vaginal ultrasound. I even told the tech when she inserted the ultrasound wand (which, for the record, seems less magical every time it enters me) that I was tired of her finding stuff in there. And guess what? She found something else. Seriously, next time? I wouldn't be surprised to see Jimmy Hoffa's face in there.

Yes, that's right folks, I like to grow things "down there." It's like my own little science experiment. This time, it's another large ovarian cyst - only on my right side.

The good news is that I'm not in a lot of pain and now that I know what ruptured cysts feel like, I hope to not worry excessively when it ruptures. The really good news is that they're not endometriosis cysts.

The thing is? They're ovulation cysts. As in, I'm still ovulating.   As in 95% of women on the pill don't ovulate and I'm not one of them. My eyes got huge when my doctor told me that as Joe and I have recently resumed...ahem...snuggling. BUT he swears that I'm not likely* to get knocked up while on the pill - something about mucous blah-bedy-blah including lining of the ya-ya sisterhood not allowing that to happen. I was too busy daydreaming about sex in Sex Ed to while they went through this crap to know what he was talking about. I blame Matt Grondin and Michael Shannon for being so undeniably dreamy - there is no way anyone in our class concentrated on medical terminology when they looked that cute.

Anyway, I kind of freaked out, but then I called my mom.  Turns out, she also had uterine fibroids and cysts while she was on the pill AND lumpy boobs. I am under the assumption if she had all that and still managed to get preggo 10 times (yes, that would be 7 miscarriages) that perhaps I am a Fertile Myrtle as well. Therefore conception is now on the list of "Crap I'm not going to worry about until later." Just underneath that? "How to survive 7 miscarriages."

After my vaginal ultrasound and waiting to see my doctor, I ended up being very late in leaving to go to my therapy appointment. No time to stop and grab something in the drive thru - and besides, I really wasn't hungry - I was worried. So I just went to the appointment where we talked about my inability to deal with uncertainty well. Hello, timing...

I finished with my therapist, drove home, and had brown rice with veggies and chicken. It was good and tasty. Afterwards I watched The Biggest Loser.

But I didn't exercise. Tonight? I plan on exercising - even if just a bit - just so I can get back in the habit of it. The opportunity to make my body do something - anything - that I want it to has got to feel powerful...especially since it hasn't been listening to me as of late.

*"Not likely," according to him, means that I have a 1% chance of getting pregnant while on the pill. I groaned aloud when he told me that. What I wanted to say was, "Seriously, doc. You've GOT to stop saying that I have a low percentage chance of something happening. I like to over-achieve. I like to do things people don't think I can do. Saying that I'm 'not likely' to have something happen is like you double-dog-daring my lady bits to grow a baby.  Stop it or I swear I'll hide your keys where only your ultrasound tech can find them."

Don't go breaking my heart...

2011-01-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

When I first started watching The Biggest Loser two years ago, I saw the initial weigh ins and mentally attached myself to the woman who weighed the most like what I did at the time. We were the same - a great team - and we were going to reach a lower weight together! But as weeks went on, and her pounds melted off with no chance of me matching her, I felt frustrated with my own body. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I lose weight like gangbusters, too?

The second season that I watched, I tried a different tactic. I picked someone who was about the same weight I USED to be when I started my weight loss journey. Then I tried to beat them to their lowest. Only that didn't work either. Who knew Tara was going to be such a stud muffin and shed more weight than any other woman on the show?

The third season, I figured out the perfect motivational tool. Again, I'd pick someone that weighed what I used to. But then I'd use her and her body as motivation for what I could look like if I just tried harder. Only that kind of felt like I was beating myself up. And I was.

The fourth season, I told myself that I'd just be happy if NONE of the women's starting weights were less than what I currently weighed. And that was great...for the first week. But weighing less than morbidly obese people (who got to be on the TV show by being morbidly obese) feels like stacking the deck. The win isn't as sweet.

But no matter what the tactic in any given season, I'd always feel super lazy as I watched the show. There were people - some twice my size - exercising and grunting and here I was eating on my couch (apples or carrots, but still...).

So this season, I'm trying something new. Last week was the first episode...and while I don't quite understand why they had to introduce new trainers OR why we can't see their faces (Are they in the witness protection program? Were they disfigured by a horrible tragedy? Or is Joe right...are they ninjas?*), I still like watching the show. But two hours out of my night is just too much to sacrifice. So what to do?

I'm going to sweat in the workout room of our building. I have my first therapy appointment of the year at 5:30, which gets done at 6:30. Because my office location moved at the end of 2010, I can now eat on my way to the appointment so dinner is not a limiting factor. I can make it back home by 7 and be changed into my workout stuff and into the workout room by 7:10. All I'll miss is the recap of the week before...and with as many contestants as they have on the show right now, I can't keep their names and colors straight anyway.

There is one runner chick who used to run during Tuesday nights, but I think she might've moved out. I guess I'll find out tonight. Even if all I do is the elliptical, I'll feel much better about not wasting time in front of the TV. I can workout until I'm tired (no way am I going to last 2 hours this first time) and then go back to our place to drink water and relax...assuming the exercise didn't break my heart.

The Biggest Loser and me - perhaps the best team since The Captain and Tennille. {insert groan here. I know...I had to work hard to set that one up, didn't I?}

*Cute story...since I ended with such a punny joke.

My co-worker was out driving with her 5 year old grandson at the end of the year. They stopped at a stoplight and on the corner, there was an Indian woman with a burka on.

Her grandson gasped and then said in an amazed whisper, "I think I just saw something!"

"What do you think you saw?," she asked.

"I think I saw a ninja!"

Heavy heart

2011-01-10T08:53:00.002-07:00

On Friday I found out that my good blogging friend, Margie, from My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control passed away a few months ago.

If you knew her or read her blog, you know that she was a long time WW member - who had met her goal weight and had been maintaining it successfully for many years. She and her husband, Bruce, traveled around the US and went walking often.

It was on a walk that they were struck by a suicidal driver and were both killed.

Honestly? I still can't believe it.

Margie was one of those people who was always supportive, especially on the ugly posts - the ones where you bared your soul and scoured wounds. We had several email conversations and when she visited Colorado and couldn't stop anywhere close to me, we vowed to meet up the next time she was in my state.

She had mentioned the idea of stopping her weight loss blog a few times and honestly, I thought she was just taking a break. Plus, I had the whole fibroid thing and was not checking anyone's blog for months. I feel horrible that I didn't immediately think something had happened when my emails were unanswered and although I checked her weight loss blog, I didn't think to check her other one for news.

I feel so sad that Margie is gone. I feel happy that she and her love were able to pass together.

But I feel so sad that Margie, who was a bright and beautiful person, is no longer here to share her light.

It's selfish...I know. But it's true.

This weekend, I tried to think about what always struck me the most about her...and I think that it's that she was always kind and supportive - exactly the kind of person I want to be. BUT she also was relentless in her quest to maintain a healthy weight. Sure, she and her husband were retired, but that didn't stop her from sharing a plate of food (to exercise portion control) on her vacations or monitoring her weight closely each day.

She was dedicated to her healthy lifestyle - even though she was older, even though she had already lost her weight, and even though she could've done what many of us do - relaxed a bit in her attack.

Her resolve and dedication to her lifestyle and her health should be a reminder to me.

I have missed Margie and I will continue to do so. I hope that her (and her husband's) passing was quick and as painless as possible.

When I got home on Friday, I hugged Joe for a solid few minutes, crying on his shoulder, and continued to tell him just how much he meant to me. I hope I remember to do that often.

The HAM level

2011-01-07T07:19:00.008-07:00

A few months ago, my friends and I were trying to decide where to go to eat. Matt said to me, "We'd better eat or Kelly will reach ham level."

"Huh?"

"Oh, Kelly gets hungry and then if she's not fed soon, she gets Hungry And Mean - HAM."

We laughed and that acronym has stuck with me ever since.

This past Tuesday was my first day back to work since the end of October. Truthfully, although I'm not very satisfied with my job, I love working. I like being productive and doing SOMEthing other than sitting around healing. That, quite frankly, is boring. What I do doesn't save the world or make a huge difference in any way. But I do a good job - I've been the top person in my position for the past two years and I just got a raise.

Anyway, in my zeal for getting things done (and quickly) I've re-realized the importance of eating when I get hungry; of listening to my body's signals telling me when it's time to eat.

Take yesterday. I woke up and was hungry. I snacked on a small handful of almonds on my way to work - to tide me over until I could have the oatmeal that I could make in our microwave. Only things got busy and after a few hours of meetings and phone calls, I realized that I was hungry. Mostly because I was grouchy and got very irritated when our receptionist told me that our files now go in a different bin. Since I'm usually of a sunny disposition, it occurred to me that I should eat.

'But it's only 11,' I told myself. I already had breakfast - why am I hungry?

By 11:25, I couldn't wait any more - I was too hungry. When I went to the fridge to get some fruit, I realized that I actually hadn't had oatmeal - I guess I just remembered eating earlier and thought that it must've been breakfast that I ate.

In any event, I had my oatmeal but was so hungry that I ate it too quickly to really enjoy it. And afterwards? I was still ravenous. I made myself wait another 15 minutes so that I could accurately re-assess my hunger, but it was tough.

Even though I'm swamped at work pretty much all the time now, I need to remember to drink water and to eat when I'm hungry. If I don't, I get headaches and I definitely get cranky. Maybe not HAM status, but close.

I guess it's just interesting to me that two years ago I would've gotten cranky because I was tired, lethargic, and on a sugar crash. But now, I get cranky as my body runs out of fuel.

For the record? When I got home last night, I sat down, started to eat something, realized I wasn't hungry but was exhausted. I decided to take a short nap until Joe got home...and that "nap" lasted 2 hours.

Oooh...taking care of myself feels so darn good sometimes. So good that I might just take a nap tonight too. :)

Wanna' be motivated to run?

2011-01-06T09:18:00.002-07:00

So, it's no secret that I like to run. If you've been following me for awhile, you know that I've been motivated by numbers and stats to run longer, faster, quicker, and smarter. I've maintained and built that motivation through Nike+ - which requires a little sensor either in or on top of your shoe (I have mine in a pink waterproof pouch, as you can see on my shoes here). After your run, you sync your iPhone/iPod with the Nike+ site and TADA! Instant stats!

But lately, I've had some glitches with the Nike+ running system and with it not syncing correctly or with having it stop and start at strange times throughout the run. It's annoying. Sure, I could pay extra money for the New And Improved Nike+ App, but I don't feel like I should have to pay for an application when I already had to buy the sensor.

On many sites, I've seen a RunKeeper App that has been touted as being fantastic.

But that app? It's $9.99. Have I mentioned that I'm cheap? I am.

The great news? RunKeeper is allowing anyone to download their RunKeeper app for free during the month of January. No code to use or promo to enter. Just go to the App Store on your iPhone or via iTunes and download it.

True, in order to utilize it the best (or maybe at all?), you need at least an iPhone 3G or better (because it tracks via GPS), but since I have that, I had no problem downloading it.

I'm super excited to use it. It looks like it has training programs built in so that if you want to run in intervals, it'll tell you when to run or walk over your music that's already playing.

As someone who has taken a break from running recently due to surgery, I'm excited to get back in the swing of things (errr...the stride of things?) and to build up my distance, speed, etc. safely.

So if you're interested at all, I'd highly recommend downloading it - even if you're not sure you'll use it. Saving $10 is big in my book.

And to be clear, it's not just for runners. If you walk, speed walk, bike, skip, pogo stick, or skate, it should work for you too - which is pretty great seeing as how it's not run off a sensor in your shoe. The GPS allows it to accurately track how far you've gone within the time that you've allotted.

And also? The folks at RunKeeper have no idea that I'm writing this. They didn't pay me or communicate with me to promote this...it's just something neat that I found and thought that you all might be interested in. :)

Eating - a truly enjoyable experience

2011-01-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

(source)

It's no secret - I've wanted to start cooking for a while now. Lest you think that I'm a complete idiot, I know how to cook some things. It's just that what I know how to cook are holiday favorites or...well... a full Thanksgiving dinner. Mostly because those are the meals that I've helped with over the years.

Sure, I know a few "normal" recipes here and there that I learned in college, but for the most part, my cooking has been limited to Hamburger Helper, sandwiches, and cereal. Yes, even for dinner.

I'm not proud when I say that more often than not, I've grabbed something via a drive-thru on the way home. And since dating Joe, the process hasn't changed much - the restaurants just got nicer. Suffice it to say, much of 2010, we ate out for dinner.

It's expensive. And while it's nice every once in a while to have someone else do the cooking, at our house going out to eat becomes a bit of a chore. See, I have to wait for him to come home and THEN we have a 30 minute discussion on where we should go. So usually, I'm eating later than I'd like - and it takes up more of the night than I'd like. Moreover, it's not a particularly stress-free process.

I've shied away from cooking regularly for two reasons: 1) I'm not a huge fan of leftovers and 2) it seemed like just another GD thing I had to do on my list of eleventy things to do in a given day. 'When I come home, I want to relax' I tell myself. I deserve being taken care of, don't I? So spoiling myself by eating out often seemed the best way to indulge.

But being on disability for 8 weeks (followed by vacation for 2 weeks), gives one a lot of time to reflect. I've felt like I didn't accomplish anything while I was off work and my need to be productive in some way started to become more apparent.

So the last few weeks, I've decided to actually do more cooking - at least 5 dinner meals a week are going to be done inside our loft walls. It's a big switch.

I started out 2011 making something I've never made before - chicken soup. I cut up all the veggies and chicken. I seasoned the broth to taste the way I like it. I used the noodles that Joe loves. And while it may have been more hearty than other chicken noodle soups, it was fantastic.

It was so good, in fact, that I made it again on Monday for dinner. Yesterday, I made gumbo in the crockpot for dinner as well as tuna fish salad for my lunch for the rest of the week.

When I get to chopping or cooking, a few things happen.

1) I unwind by listening to music I like and enjoying tea, wine, or ice cold water while I do it. It's a fantastic way for me to relax - not listening to talking, television, or anyone else. It's just me and pleasant sounds.

2) I know what's going in my food. While I do want to be better about eating only when I'm hungry, I find that knowing exactly what I'm eating is helpful AND fun. I get to pick out fresh ingredients at the grocery store. I get to explore what foods I like and what spices I don't. If the end result tastes good, I know more about what I actually like...which makes the next time I'm eating out easier to choose what I want anyway.

3) I get a feeling of satisfaction by knowing that I am doing something productive. And when I eat what I made? I feel proud that I made something healthy, tasty, and nurturing for me.

And can I just say that watching Joe eat a meal I thoughtfully and deliberately made is just about the best feeling? Especially when he goes for a second helping? Oh man - such a great feeling. He likes what I cook or bake and I feel good knowing that I'm fueling him with things that are good for him.

Cooking makes my meals more enjoyable. I've destressed while preparing the dish so that when I eat it, either with Joe or alone, I'm in a place that I can truly enjoy it. I'm pampered because it's a meal that I want, a meal I like, and it's using ingredients that I like. I know what's in it - and the freshness of veggies and spices makes the meal truly tasty.

The whole experience of preparing, sharing, and eating is pretty great. And while I'm not Betty Crocker or June Cleaver yet, I'm proud of my presence in my home just the same.

Who knows, I may be domesticated yet.

Secrets

2011-01-04T07:50:00.035-07:00

My high school friend, Robin, used to say in a sing-song voice, "Secrets secrets are no fun; secrets secrets hurt someone." Truthfully, she said it when she felt like she was being left out of something. Probably because I was busy being silly with anyone and everyone around. But the sing-song rhyme has stuck with me.

Yesterday (as I was cutting about fifty thousand vegetables for a healthy gumbo that is hopefully getting yummy in our crockpot at home as I write this), I was thinking about how true that saying actually is.

Secrets don't just hurt the person who feels left out because they don't know what is being said. They hurt hurt the secret keeper too.

I mentioned this yesterday in my post, but there were two Oprah shows while I was off that really spoke to me. The one with Portia De Rossi and the one about what is normal. She basically took a poll of her audience members on various topics and then compared their results with some other study. Most of them were silly and not really helpful. And then I found this one:

Since it's all blurry, I'll read the type for you:

Have you ever hidden a food wrapper in the garbage so people don't know what you ate?
67% of her audience answered yes.

On one hand, I felt great. I thought I was so different when I ate crap that I didn't want someone else to know about and then threw it away in a place no one else could see.

And truthfully? I've even done it a few times since moving in with Joe.

So part of me felt great - I'm not alone!

But the other part of me realized how messed up that actually is. I don't want to live a life in secret. Moreover, I don't want to be the person who doesn't feel like they can be honest for fear that someone else will say something, will judge, or will not understand.

And you know what? I'm not limiting that to food wrappers either.

There came a time when I was very vocal about my struggles and about my mind on this blog. And people were supportive.

When I quit Weight Watchers in May, wanting to finish my journey on my own in my own way, there were a few hateful emails that I received. It was discouraging but I kept on. I have had a lot of support (a LOT of support) even from Jams, who IS a WW leader (Thanks Jams!). The support and encouragement far outweighed the Negative Nelly's, so I dismissed their emails...even if they nagged at me from time to time.

But then I started being vocal about wanting to eat intuitively. I even posted a few days about our rights to eating intuitively. And I was mocked - a few times - privately and publicly - by a few people.

Even before that, I found myself not wanting to write about the struggles of intuitive eating (and there are plenty if I'm being honest with myself) because I didn't want to be misunderstood. I didn't want my struggles to be interpreted as the program not working. It does work. I have met people who have been thin for years after struggling with weight for decades.

But to be 100% honest, I didn't write about it because I didn't want to get picked on as other bloggers had. My eating isn't 100% clean all the time and I don't want to be the posterchild for anything. I'm not claiming to be a nutritionist or a person who knows everything about what they're doing.

What I do know is this:
~ restrictive dieting feels wrong to me because the plans that I have tried focus on lots of things other than actual nutrition. Because it is a matter of simple math (calories in must be less than calories out), it's easy to tell yourself that the 100 calorie ice cream bar is healthy. Or that because you ate 18 slices of bacon (but no carbs!) you're okay.

~ The truth (for me) is that I feel better when I eat better. I run faster, I think clearer, and I am happier. Eating more nutritionally dense foods makes me a better person.

~ When I eat less, I'm satisfied. I don't like the feeling of being stuffed. And I often would choose low point foods or protein laden foods (in the past) and then gorge myself on them to the point of being over-full because I wanted that feeling. The feeling of being stuffed made my soul feel full; made my life feel full; made myself feel less alone.

So, for me, I don't want to focus on one type of food, on a number (either for calories or points), or on other restrictive approaches.

Maybe that means that I take longer to lose my weight. Maybe that means that I never lose all my weight. But if it means that I'm a happier, saner, fitter person, why should I do anything differently - aren't I worth doing things the way I want to?

Lyn from Escape from Obesity has taught me so much in the years that I've been reading her. If she would've stopped when people started being hateful, she wouldn't be where she is now- a healthier mom and a healthier woman. I've really appreciated that she blogged her way through it - it let me know that there is no shame in stumbling. Our approach of losing weight isn't the same, but we're in each other's corner just the same. She never quit...and I'm not about to either.

The progress that I've made has had much more due to the space between my ears than I ever imagined it would. I've processed those thoughts most effectively through this blog. In fact, if I could offer anyone advice when starting out on the weight loss journey, I'd say: blog, vent, journal...or SOMETHING to get your true thoughts and feelings out there.

And just like yesterday, it's about time I took some of my own advice.

So here's the deal: I'm not going to hide behind my computer any more. I'm going to share my struggles with my life - just as I have been - and my food journey. I'm going to blog about my life, my relationships, my exercise, my relationship with food and anything else I want. If you feel like coming along for the ride, I'd love that - I truly would. I really enjoy reading about your triumphs and your failures.

But if you feel like my way is crazy, insane, or just fodder for rants on your blog, please leave.

Just because I'm not going to have omissions from my life doesn't mean I'm not going to omit your comments.

As I've found recently, being healthy means me standing up for myself when necessary. It's about time I do just that.