Thankful

Well, I'm back.

The boyfriend and I drove all day yesterday from El Paso to Denver...unlike the last trip that took over 11 hours, this one we made in just under 10. So. Much. Better.

So what happened between now and my last post?

Well, I ate. A lot. While I didn't have all of the quantities I've had in years past, I did have everything I wanted. As in, if I wanted a cookie, I had one. I didn't have twenty, but I did have one. I had a handful of peanut M&Ms. I had over half the bag* of Reece's Pieces at the movie, "The Blind Side".** I ate sensible breakfasts (egg and toast) even though I knew my mom would've gladly made me lots more. I even limited myself to an appropriate helping of my mom's - from scratch - lasagna. I haven't had that lasagna in about 6 years. The trouble came into play when we made my mom's special - from scratch- recipe of chile con queso. SO GOOD. I probably ate my weight in it. But every bite was better than the last. And honestly? I'd do it all over again (the chile con queso, that is).

And oh, did I drink wine! My family has always been red wine drinkers, while I have preferred white wines. Being the only white wine drinker meant me not drinking much - I never could finish a bottle of wine by myself, so I just didn't usually drink it. The last few months, I've realized that my taste buds changed and I no longer liked the same whites I used to. A trip to a winery confirmed it...I like reds. And wow did I polish off at least 2-3 glasses each night this week.

All of this food stuff meant that when I stepped on the scale today, I am 2 pounds heavier than last week.

(sigh)

Okay, perspective time. It's not like I do this every week...I indulged...sure, but it happens once a year. Next year I'll try to limit the craziness for one DAY not all week.

But the two best things?

I ran a 5K on Thursday morning and had my personal record! My time of the 5K was 34'49" at a pace of 10'38" per mile- which is AWESOME especially since the race was pretty poorly organized so I had to muddle through many walkers and slower joggers at the beginning of the race.
AND....

The boyfriend and I had such a great few days together. I picked him up on Wednesday evening and on the ride to my house I was thinking that it might have been a huge mistake. I think I was psyching myself out in case it went badly...but it went wonderfully. Seriously. The best experience with a boyfriend at my house ever. I think the key was that although I wanted him to make a good impression on my family (and vice versa) I realized that it all may be completely fine or completely shitty. But that didn't have to make or break my one trip to see my mom this year. I was relaxed, I was myself, and I am so thrilled that everything worked out okay. In fact, as I write this, he is in the shower getting ready for our breakfast out. One would think that us spending 4 days together (when we don't typically spend a ton of time during the week together) non-stop would have made us sick of each other...especially having been stuck with someone in a car for 10 hours. BUT we aren't sick of each other...in fact, just the opposite.

In the past, I would've asked my mom what she thought of him - because I didn't have enough faith in myself to make my own decision. I think my mom likes him, but I'm not going to ask. Because the most important thing is that I am so happy dating him. And if that becomes the exception rather than the rule, I'll do something about it. But for now, it is decadent.

This past weekend was fantastic - in so many more ways than one. And I am SO thankful that that is the case.

*THIS bag was different than the last one. This bag only had 2.5 servings, so I did WAY better.
**Best movie I've seen since "Zombieland." Also, it's slightly different than "Zombieland." :)

Catch up

Sorry it's been so long since I've last posted.

The best thing that happened in the past week is that my little sister (who is one of my closest friends) came to visit me for the weekend.

It's a little convoluted, but basically, she is from El Paso - which is the same place I am spending Thanksgiving. She flew into town on Friday right after work, we spent the weekend together, and then we drove down to El Paso (11 1/2 hours due to really bad traffic in areas) on Monday. THEN I'm picking up the boyfriend today from the airport so that he can spend Thanksgiving with us. THEN he and I (and my big dog) are going to be driving back up to Denver on Saturday.

The result? I've been away from my internet/computer far longer than I usually am. In fact, I'm trying to steal the internet service (wireless) from one of my mom's neighbors right now as I write this.

Classy.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I DID weigh in on Sunday morning and I decided to wear shoes to make up for the difference. The result is that I gained 0.6 pounds...and in the grand scheme of things, I really don't care.

My eating has been okay the last few days - the trip down was not full of carrot chips (sorry Angela!) but also wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. I also went for a run yesterday along a new hiking/biking/walking trail here in El Paso. I ended up running 3.2 miles in about 35 minutes...which is pretty good for me. Of course, that didn't exactly counteract the three glasses of wine (hey - that's a fruit, right?) and the homemade gnocchi (with alfredo sauce!) last night. But OH was that good. Besides, I have 35 flex points to use, right?

Tomorrow morning, my older sister, my mom, and I am running the Turkey Trot - which is a 5K race in El Paso. Well, actually, my sister and mom are doing the "family fun walk" which is (I think) a 2 or 3K walk. I'm excited to do something healthy the morning of Thanksgiving and I really want to continue that tradition in years to come. If you're interested, there is probably a Turkey Trot in your town too - they have them all over the nation.

Okay - I'm going to post this now. I'm getting an error message at the top of the screen indicating that all that I've written is not going to be published...looking at the wireless bar, it seems to be that my neighbors wisened up and pulled their internet.

I am not thankful for that.

Decisions, decisions

I usually weigh in on Monday nights, but this coming Monday I will be driving from Denver to El Paso to visit my family for the holidays.

I can't really weigh in on Tuesday due to the only WW meeting on our side of town is when I have a massage scheduled. And I've been waiting a LOOONG time for her.

I can't weigh in on Wednesday because I'll be picking up my sister and my boyfriend from the airport (don't worry - they're not flying together) when the meetings are.

Thursday is out and if you think I'm weighing in on the day after Thanksgiving, you've got another thing coming.*

Saturday is the drive back to Denver... and Sunday is officially in the next week.

So the thing I need to make a decision about is if I want to skip next week all together or if I want to weigh in on Sunday in Denver.

Skipping the meeting all together isn't the best option, I feel. I feel like accountability is still pretty key for me...it helps keep me on track at this stage in my weight loss.

But weighing in on Sunday is tricky too. Because the meeting times all over Denver are either at 8, 8:30, or 9. Morning weigh ins are a far cry from Monday night weigh ins...so I'll undoubtedly be lighter than what I am.

Any suggestions on how I can make my weigh be more accurate?

*I know...I know...it *shouldn't* matter. But it still does.

The Pleaser

"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone."
--Milan Kundera

In my life, I've tried to please people...in fact as I think of it now, pretty much all my life, I've tried to please people.

On the surface, it worked out well. People walked away from me feeling happier about themselves. I'm sure if you asked people if they liked me or not, they'd probably tell you "yes." I made people feel important, comforted, and valued. I'm funny (in general) so they would usually walk away having laughed and feeling lighter.

If we ever had a disagreement, I'd find myself apologizing for things that I didn't do, didn't mean to do, or even had nothing to do with. Whatever it took to make that person feel better.

Did you fall through on a promise you made to me? That's okay. I'll still be here for you.

Did you treat me disrespectfully either in private or in public? That's okay. I probably deserved it. Sure, I'd take the treatment, maybe complain about it to my friends, and then never say anything to you. Why would I? If I did, you might question why I thought I was good enough to be treated otherwise. And then, undoubtedly you'd realize that I wasn't good enough.

Need a volunteer for your cause? I'm just the sucker you've been looking for. Especially if the position had a title. Because titles meant that I was worth something. I wrote about it in my post about finding REAL value, but basically, because I disliked myself, I only found value when other people liked me.

In fact, I even dated a guy in high school who repeatedly physically abused me. I've come to realize that I have felt so poorly about myself because of an overwhelming sense of shame.

I read in an article recently that stated that there is a difference between shame and guilt.

According to the article, guilt is a bad feeling that you have about some action. Like maybe you said something you shouldn't have. Perhaps you have a bad feeling because of something you didn't do but should've.

But shame? It's a whole other animal. The principle of shame revolves around a bad feeling that you have about yourself. A person who lives and breathes shame has it because they KNOW that they're not worth anything. Other people can be forgiven, but not them. Because they are inherantly BAD. Unfortunately, you can't convince them otherwise.

It's been within the last few months that I've realized that I have lived with shame for most of my life. Every little thing that I've done wrong was typical of me - because I was a bad person. And talking about the shame? Why that'd only highlight how bad I actually am, which they probably already knew anyway. On the off chance that they didn't know that (and they found out), they'd realize that they'd be crazy to be my friend, my boyfriend or even my co-worker. It's best to hide the shame however you can - and I found that I hid it best by trying to please others, taking on roles of responsibility, and by being funny. The perfect pairing to my shameful feelings? Anything that I could stuff in my mouth.

Somehow washing down shame with cokes, cookies, or chips made it easier to swallow.

Recently had a discussion with a friend of mine. He said that I had my faith in the wrong stuff. I should have my faith in Jesus. Because Jesus loves me, I should know that I have value and should stop looking at other people for it - even myself. But religion (at times) can feed shame...and for me, it hasn't always had the most beneficial results. Don't get me wrong, I still BELIEVE that there is a Jesus...but the concept of him dying just for me is lost on me most of the time. I struggle with the thought that someone could love me enough, especially when I haven't loved myself for decades. Clearly, Jesus and I are still working things through.

I've made great strides with my self-worth and balance. I've worked on saying "no." I've worked on moderation. I've worked on no longer pleasing everyone else at the expense of myself.

But I still haven't shed my shame completely, even though I'm working diligently with my therapist to do so. If anything, my anxiety is creeping up higher these days...because in a week, I'll be coming face to face with the cause of most of it.

And I guess that's why I'm writing this.

See, I was molested by a close family member of mine when I was much younger. That person will be in the house over Thanksgiving and, for the most part, my family would prefer that I would just drop it. Members have told me to "just get over it."

The old me, The Pleaser, would've dropped it - in fact, she HAS dropped it and not spoken of it for decades.

But as I wrote earlier, I'm no longer The Pleaser. And trying to "just get over it" doesn't work - and obviously hasn't worked. My therapist has helped me understand that even though I *know* that kids shouldn't be treated in such a way, that I feel that I endured that (and the ex boyfriend's abuse) because I was inherantly bad.

Shame...pure and simple.

So what is left is this wide gap between the old Pleaser and the new me - who tries to please and honor herself. Ignoring that this event happened does NOT honor myself. The chasm is big and I don't know what to do to bridge the difference.

To make matters worse, the boyfriend is coming home with me to meet my family for the first time. Awkward? Why yes...yes it probably will be. But will I get through it? Undoubtedly. Clearly, I've been through worse.

So, as I sit here, with my pulse racing furiously, I'm trying to remember that there IS strength in standing up for myself. I'm not planning on going in there and screaming and throwing my new non-pleaser self around...but neither am I going to let my true authentic self shrink from her own growth.

One thing's for certain: I will not wash down shame or numb myself with food.

And THAT pleases me.

Love Thyself

I've read countless times that we should try to reward ourselves with non-food related celebrations. I've even put it into practice. For instance, when I lost 10% of my body weight, I bought a watch. For me, planning ahead for celebrations is easy.

I've even planned on what to do when stress pops up by putting my running/exercising into practice or by having friends that I can call in times of struggle. It was difficult, at first, to not turn to food. But after a while, it became second nature (at least most of the time).

So now I've been faced with a new challenge. On Chubby Girl Diary's blog, she wrote about taking care of yourself daily in non-food ways.

I know, you're probably thinking that that is no big deal - I mean, isn't that basically what I have been doing? The answer is no. I've been reacting to stresses...but not doing things daily to show myself love. It's a slight paradigm shift that I needed.

The difference is rather than being reactive to the stress or celebrations, I would be doing something on a daily basis to tell myself that I am loved, good enough, and fantastic.

Does that make sense?

See, if I PLAN to do something non-food related that helps me feel indulgent, loved, good, and special, then maybe I'll be satisfying needs before they come up. I might even be more balanced so that I can deal with the day to day stresses and have them slide off my back like it's no big deal.

After all, I try to help my friends, family, and boyfriend see how loved they are regularly. I do things that are outside of my norm to let them know that they are great. Why can't I do the same for myself?

So today marks Day 1 where I'm going to do something good for myself. I'll even tell you my plan: I'm going to give myself a mud mask tonight and enjoy a hot cup of tea as the temperature drops outside tonight.

What do you do on a regular basis to show yourself love?

Grrr...

Okay, folks...who knew that eating whatever you want whenever you want means that you're likely to gain weight?

Right. Every one of you is raising your hand right about now. And congratulations to you - you win...well...your dignity.

Well, I thought that I knew that too...but this past week, I fell way short. I ran - two times for about 7 miles total. And my pace was around 10'55" each time...which is pretty good.

But oh, did I eat!

I still didn't eat so poorly that I gained lots of weight - I wasn't *completely* out of control with binges. I just didn't choose healthier choices when I could've or should've. I didn't choose the healthier choice at almost every meal and, since I'm being honest, at almost every snacking occasion.

Take this past Saturday night...

During a particularly snowy and blizzardy night, the boyfriend and I went to my favorite restaurant in Denver. This restaurant has a bowl of gumbo that is so good I could probably eat it every night for dinner and be just fine. I had three slices of bread (with the best garlic-y butter ever), a bowl of gumbo soup, and then had some of the jambalaya that he ordered. It doesn't SEEM too bad, does it? Well, what you may not know is that one serving of chicken and sausage gumbo could be as much as 7 points. My bowl had probably 2-3 servings.

My point is that I normally would've just ordered a cup of soup with baked fish. I normally would've held myself to one piece of bread with only a little butter. But in my head, the warm bread and yummy soup was perfect for the chilly and cold night. So I indulged.

And THEN we went to the movies. Now I typically never order food for the movies because I'm not even AWARE that I'm eating the food. But I felt SOOO good, so loved, and so important that night. I threw caution to the wind and decided to get a package of Reece's Pieces.

And oh, how I love Reece's Pieces. They are most definitely a "red light" food - one that I have never been able to sanely control.

Sure enough, by the end of the movie, I had had half the bag. Half of the big movie bag is 3 (THREE!) servings of Reece's Pieces. What's more, I didn't even enjoy the treat because I was too busy watching the movie.

You'd think that I would've thrown away the bag...but no. I ate the rest of them the next morning when I was hungry and waiting for the boyfriend to get out of the shower so we could go to breakfast.

So it should be no surprise that I've gained this past week. The scale shows that I'm up about a half a pound. I know the weight will come off. I'm actually not worried about that. And like I said, I'm letting go of the numbers on the scale so I'm actually not upset about gaining a half pound.

What I am cognizant of is how I've been indulging myself at every turn this past week. Bagels in the kitchen aside, I've had more treats during the day (like when I went to Subway for lunch but had the full fat sour cream and onion potato chips), more junk food at night, and less fruits and veggies.

If I *had* to come up with a reason why, I'd say that after being off the Nuvaring, I feel so much better that I just want to celebrate everything. Life seems easier because I'm not struggling to keep my emotions so much in check. It turns out, I don't just eat when I'm sad or angry. Apparently I celebrate with food when I'm happy and loved.

So, this week's gain (whatever it is) will give me the feedback to help me re-learn that eating whatever I want whenever I want is actually NOT celebrating how good I feel. Eating that way is more than a little selfish and gluttonous. Eating that way is not honoring my body or my new found good feelings.

This week, I'm going to be good to me. And that means listening to my body and celebrating without food. This week, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I'm still going to celebrate me feeling sane and good...especially since I have so many blessings rolling my way this week. And the biggest way that I can honor myself is to choose health over around the clock indulgence.

Everything in moderation, right?

Being greedy

I've posted LOTS of things on this blog that I'm not proud of. Issues with food, issues with my family, and issues with exercise. I've written about big gains and big setbacks.

And yet, I'm finding myself *not* wanting to write this post.

There is something about free "brand name" food that I have a hard time turning down. I'm not sure if it's because my mom is thrifty and I learned that free stuff is nice or because it's something that someone is offering something to ME.

If someone brings in something that they baked at home, I have about a 75% success rate of turning it down. It's easy to look at it, realize that I have no idea how it was prepared (not just for the sake of calories, but what if they don't wash their hands??), and not eat it.

But if it's from a restaurant that I like? I have about a 5% chance of turning it down.

Case in point: Yesterday I had already had breakfast (one that was dissatisfying because I thought that I had stuff here at work that I didn't). I wanted something else sweet and filling...so I topped off my breakfast with a Fiber One bar. Then I had decaffeinated tea. To be clear, I was full and satisfied.

And then someone came up to me to tell me that there were free bagels in the kitchen.

FREE. BAGELS. FROM. PANERA.

As I've written before, I have a strong emotional tie to bagels from Panera or Einstein Bros.

I walked my able body into the kitchen and saw my favorite bagels (which are either blueberry, cinnamon raisin, or cinnamon crunch, or cranberry, or...you get the picture) with my very favorite spreads (aka plain and not plain). And I calmly toasted one. I smeared it with the cream cheese and enjoyed the bagel even as I ate it faster than what I should have.

And then I was STUFFED.

I felt better after my run yesterday at lunch (yay - 2.79 miles in 30 minutes!) and was able to not touch the many more bagels that multiplied throughout the day. Seriously, TWO more vendors stopped by with bagels...so we had probably 4-5 dozen bagels.

This morning, I had forgotten about the bagels. Until I walked into the kitchen prepared to make my egg muffin sandwich (toasted whole wheat english muffin, microwaved egg, low fat cheese, and some buttery spread)*. I wanted my sandwich. I was hungry. I know I need protein.

But I still wanted a bagel. The sweet, sugary, deliciously toasted bagel sounded SO good. But 13 points for a bagel and spread was something I didn't want to do.

So I literally sat there in the kitchen snacking on an apple for about 10 minutes trying to decide what I was going to do.

In the end, I opted for my egg sandwich. But I can't stop thinking about the bagels.

I have the same problem when we have Qdoba catered in for a lunch. Guacamole, queso dip, and chips stand no chance with surviving my inhaling...and that's after I've had two tacos.

So what is it? Is it that it's free? Is it that I don't choose those foods at home so I want to take full advantage of them when they're here? Is it that I share my workplace with people who walk quickly to the kitchen to load their pockets with bagels or treats when people aren't looking? Do I really need to feel like I'm getting "my share" that badly? Am I feeding off of their gluttonous behavior or are they feeding off mine?

The adage "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" doesn't help in these particular times when I'm battling my salivating glands. It's not even a matter of counting up the points - as what I have typically isn't so horrible that I can't balance it out the rest of the day/week. It's the desire to HAVE IT deep down inside.

Gluttony**...pure and simple.

Whatever it is, I need to GET OVER IT. Because the Christmas season coming up means that we will have more food catered in, more gifts from our vendors and customers, more delicious baked goods, and more candy in the office.

Do you all have these same feelings? Even if you don't, do you have any suggestions on what I can do to re-frame the situation?

* It tastes much better than it sounds, trust me. I thought microwaved eggs would be revolting...and although they're not my favorite I now know the exact number of seconds where I can make it decently.

**For a really interesting post on gluttony that I've been meaning to share for a while, visit Escape From Obesity's post on it.