Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A promise to myself

I *will* get some form of activity in today.

It was 30 degrees at lunch so I didn't run outside.

The class that is at 5:30 (which is the most convenient time for me to work out after work) at the gym is a step class...not exactly something that I'm looking forward to. Then again, neither is the treadmill.

But I need the exercise - mostly for my mind, but some for the burning of excess calories that I've already eaten today.

So I promise that I *will* do something.

I know me and even though a workout video would normally be a viable option; however, I fear that if my butt hits the couch today, I'll never get back off of it to change into my workout clothes.

I'll change here at work and just hit the gym - if only for a few miles on the treadmill. I promise.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Getting it out in hopes of getting over it

I was born in Denver. Although we moved around a bit in my life, I always thought of Denver as my home. When I had the chance to move here, I did. I was certain that Denver is where I belonged. And when I moved here, I was certain that my life was going to come together, finally.

When I moved to Denver almost 7 years ago, I started dating a guy. At first, it was WONDERFUL. I mean, absolutely blissfully fantastic. I left the first date calling my mom - telling her that I finally met the man I was going to marry. A few weeks after meeting, we exchanged the "I love you's" with ease. Everything felt wonderful. Everything I thought I wanted, I had. I was living in Denver. I was dating a guy that looked like he stepped out of a Land's End catalogue - blonde hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, and a smile as American as apple pie. The complete package; he even had a yellow lab for Chrissakes!

Life, surely, couldn't get better than that.

The problem was, I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was not a whole person but rather someone looking to someone else for validation.

At first, I thought that the guy liked me for me. But as each month turned into the next, it became apparent that he didn't really like me at all - maybe just the thought of me? So, like any insecure person who doesn't feel like they have worth, I opted to change. At first, it was small things and then I started to change key parts of my personality.

He withheld sex - first because of his own mental issues. Then it was due to a medical reason of my own (due to faulty testing as I found later). And as time progressed, it became apparent that this guy had ISSUES when it came to sexuality.

He was controlling in almost every way - and actually in the worst way - where he was sneaky about it. Multiple times throughout our relationship, he decided that he wanted to lose weight via an all protein diet...and since I (at the time) had about 20 pounds I wanted to lose, he strongly encouraged me to do the same. To be clear, this guy didn't have a lot of fat to lose. He was over 6' and weighed in at a max of 180. But like any good sheep, I followed the diet.

Except when he said that we shouldn't.

So we'd do this "all or nothing" type thing - one week we'd be eating only meats and the next week we'd blow it all on fatty and sugary foods. What I wanted to do that week was second to what he wanted to do. Come to think of it, that rule applied to us regardless of the topic.

He often remarked about how easy it should be to lose weight. He didn't understand why if anyone wanted to lose weight, they continued to eat "bad" things. "Why can't they just eat a salad? They remark on how hard it is to be fat and yet they order fettuccine alfredo." The message was clear: fat people are lazy and weak-willed; clearly, that's why they're fat.

Unbalanced? Crazy? Co-dependent? That doesn't begin to cover it.

In the middle of all of it, I had a medical complication from a rollover accident - one where my brain swelled. I was ordered to take a medical leave of absence for a few weeks and to not do anything strenuous. I was ordered to take it easy so that my brain would stop swelling and heal.

It was during this time that he chose to tell me the "new" reason we weren't being intimate. It was because I was too fat. He wanted me to run outside with him. "But I'm the same size I was when we started dating! I work out at the gym usually. Isn't that enough?" And the answer that I got was a resounding, "No." So I started to run outside with him - unable to keep up (my God, the guy had run a marathon!)...proving that he was dominant over me in yet another way.

I was so depressed that I had to be on medication for the first (and so far, only) time in my life. And that was yet another reason why poor pitiful me needed him. He reminded me often of the burden that I was placing on him.

So when I say I was miserable, I want you to understand how fully miserable I was.

But wait! This was the guy I was going to marry, remember? It's funny how much you endure when you've convinced yourself of something. For me, this was the perfect pairing... Due to previous events in my life, I was convinced that I was an awful person and I finally found someone who treated me as such.

We finally got to have sex after almost a year and it was the worst. sexual. experience. EVER. Seriously. TMI alert: There was a point I wasn't even sure he was IN me. And the small thrusting rabbit moves? PuhLEEZE! It was like getting humped by his dog. I debated trying to teach him a thing or two, but when he didn't show any interest in trying again the next day, I dumped him that very night. Apparently, even I had a breaking point.

It took YEARS to get over the damage that I had done to myself. As nice as it would be to sit back and call him a turd, my dependence on him was my own choice. I was responsible for staying in the relationship. I was responsible for not being strong and losing myself in him and the "idea" of us.

At first, I beat myself up about it - for being so stupid as to succumb to someone else's wishes. Then I gained weight - to the tune of 80 pounds - so that guys like him wouldn't even dream of coming near me. I never wanted to hurt like that again. Subconsciously, I protected myself the only way I knew how.

After that, I only dated guys that I wasn't really interested in. I only dated guys that were friends - ones that had to prove somehow that they really liked me for me - and even then I didn't believe it.

Losing the 55 pounds that I have so far as been a huge step. Keeping it off has been big. Not regaining the weight has been good. Learning about, and practicing, moderation? Eesh. I'm finding that I have to practice learning and re-learning that often. But actually liking myself? Well, that's been the real challenge.

The simple fact that this post has turned into a venting session about the relationship shows that I'm not completely healed. That relationship has fueled some issues in my current one, especially at the beginning - like when I wrote about it here and here.

There is this voice in my head that only I can hear every now and again. Sometimes it's loud and sometimes it's soft. Always it tells me that guys don't really like curvy women. It tells me that when I lose my weight, I had better be sure to keep it off for good. Because just like my dad and the previous boyfriend proved, no one *really* likes overweight women. It tells me that the number on my scale determines my worth. If I listen to it long enough, it tells me that I may never succeed so I might as well indulge. Today. Tonight. And if I can, RIGHT NOW.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to silence that voice completely. But I do know that my weight loss journey *has* to include a plan on what to do when I hear it.

I'm happy in my current relationship. When I went back to read the posts that I linked to above, I was surprised to read how I used to feel versus how I do feel. I don't worry about squishing my lover in bed. I don't worry about my fat rolls when he hugs me and I don't worry about what people might think about me being bigger than he is.

But every now and again, I hear the voice. And sometimes I indulge it and eat because I'm scared. I listen to that voice and that's when I'm worried that I won't be able to see the red flags that I should've seen in the previous relationship.

I've tried ignoring it. Sadly, that doesn't seem to help...because eventually that voice just gets louder.

Lately, I'm wondering if I should embrace it instead.

Maybe I should look at that voice as the one thing in my life that's tried to pamper me and protect me. Maybe that voice is ME trying to watch out for me. The pain that I experienced in that relationship is something that I never want to go through again so maybe that voice is trying to protect me from having to endure it again.

I was reluctant to write this post. I didn't want it to come across as me complaining or blaming my current situation on someone else. I didn't want you guys to pity me. But I also realize that if I don't ever unpack my mental baggage, I'll never be lighter - mentally or physically.

Even though it's cheesy, to the voice (that, for now, is quiet), I want to say this:

I acknowledge that you are there. I understand. I thank you for being there trying to watch out for my best interests. I want to say that I don't need your protection right now. But I appreciate your thoughtfulness all the same. Instead of you repeating the same record, could you instead encourage me to take care of myself with sleep, with water, and with friends? You are a valuable part of me. You know how bad it was. And with your help, in the right way, we'll never have to feel that way again.

We don't need to hang onto the pain.

It's okay to let it go.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Head games

Tuesday evening I went home with a massive headache. Unfortunately, the only thing I had to combat it was a muscle relaxer and some pain meds. So that's what I took - hoping that it would be gone in the morning.

Sadly, it was there when I woke up.

I'd like to sit here and type all of the ways that I was awesome at coping with it. But I didn't do well. I snacked on things that I had bought on Tuesday night that I *KNEW* were bad for me. You know what I'm talking about...the things that you buy when you're not in your right mind. I call them "Red Light Foods" - things that I can't have just one of. For me, they're anything between Tostito's pizzas, to peanut butter chips (like the kind you bake with), to certain types of ice cream, to Goldfish XTRA Cheddar crackers. I can (and have) binged on just about everything, but with these foods I know it's inevitable.

Usually I'm able to tell myself to not pick them up. Usually I use stalling techniques, diversion techniques, and anything else in my trick bag to not even get them in my cart - or certainly not home.

Tuesday night I didn't win the fight. I went home with a box of 100 calorie packages of Fudge Grahams (perfect for dipping in peanut butter), a box of 100 calorie packs of Goldfish Xtra Cheddar packages, and a bag of Honey BBQ Fritos. Between Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon they were gone.

Every last crumb eaten.

Apparently, when I'm in pain - especially with something that is as unrelenting as a constant headache - I eat.

Part of me knows that at most I had six servings of the fudge cookies and the goldfish crackers (since they were in 100 calorie bags) and therefore that's not bad. Not buying a whole package of the normal sized ones was a compromise. But the other part of me targets the thoughtless and mindless eating - and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to put down the snacks and do anything else other than eat.

I'm disappointed.

I *do* want to lose weight. I *do* want to feel in control of myself and my relationship with food. I *do* want to achieve something - even if just for the self-confidence boost. And for Chrissakes, I *DO* want to reach 60 pounds gone soon.

I'm not quite sure what the solution to all of this is.

Today I'm back at work (I called in sick yesterday) and am working even with my bad headache (it is better than yesterday though). I ate my sensible breakfast. I drank some green tea in hopes that that minimal amount of caffeine would help my headache.

I even packed stuff for a run at lunch even though it's 40 degrees and just about the last thing I want to do today.

I am, what they call in any 12 step program, acting "as if". I'm acting as if I'm in control of my relationship with food right now.

To anyone looking at me from the outside, I've had a 7 point breakfast (well within my limits). I've had a snack of sliced apples. In an hour I'll have run a few miles. I'll then have my packed lunch of 4 points. I look like I've got my crap together.

But on the inside, visions of Blizzards, mozzarella sticks, and fast food burgers are dancing in my throbbing head. These visions are taunting me - because I know after I eat them, I *will* feel better, if even only for a little bit.

So today, I'm not the ideal weight loss example. But I'm going to try to act as if I am...and perhaps that will get me through the day - at least until this headache eases.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Where it's at (Two Fit Chicks and a Microphooooone)

I don't seem to have a lot of time these days, or at least that's how I feel. Everywhere I turn in my house, I see something else that I need to clean up, something else that I'm behind on, or a reminder of something else I need to do.

And yet I can't seem to find the time to do it.

At yesterday's Weight Watchers meeting the topic was exercise and it was probably a timely one for me. I've decided that I'm not a big fan of running on the treadmill. I never thought that it was that bad, but when I run on the treadmill I think I get bored and I end up psyching myself out of running the full distance that I want to. Case in point, last week (while in Houston) I ran three times. I never topped 2 miles and I felt like I couldn't go another step. I barely made it 22 minutes (and that was with walking during times). Where was the powerful runner that I was at the end of 2009?

Running outside, on the other hand, is delightful. I run and forget how far I've ran. I run for me, for fun, for pure pleasure when I run outside. Inside, it feels like prison.

But it's been cold enough here that running outside is kind of only feasible in the middle of the day - that's when the temps top out at 40. It fits with my lifestyle to run at lunch...and so on days that are over 40 degrees, I'm promising to run at lunch.

Today, however, I strapped on my iPhone (set to the Nike+ function) and found that my sensor wasn't synching with my iPhone. This meant that my run wouldn't be captured on Nike. I meant that it wouldn't count towards my year end goals. It meant that I couldn't pause at any point and check my pace, my distance, or my time elapsed. And I was BUMMED. I mean, here I was, in my running gear, all ready to go. I had stress, I had a goal to try to run at least 30 minutes without stopping. But how in the world was I supposed to run without being able to track it??!?

And then reality set in. I mentally slapped myself and remembered that I know a route that is a little under 3 miles. And I selected a podcast that I've been meaning to sample that was at least 30 minutes long.

And armed with that podcast "Two Fit Chicks & A Microphone," I began to run.

I am so glad I did.

The podcast episode that I listened to (#7) was all about starting over or starting again. They interviewed several bloggers and asked them how they started their fitness journey. Over and over again, I heard success stories about how people all over the world were losing weight. Some of them had a lot of weight to lose - some didn't even have a plan on how to get started - and yet, they were and are successful. It brought home the issue that everyone - every one of us - has to start from somewhere.

So I still don't have tons of time to exercise. I still can't borrow any piece of MizFit's wardrobe (well, maybe her head hankerchief/bandana thing). But I can start changing what needs to be changed. And you know what? Simply starting doesn't mean you have to have the end already figured out.

I stumbled across this quote yesterday by Martin Luther King, Jr. and found it pretty appropriate: "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

I ran for a little over 30 minutes of the episode which was time it took me to complete the almost 3 mile lap. I couldn't believe that I had run as far as I did when I jogged up to the door of our building - the time just flew. I was so excited to learn of others successes (especially those at the end in "Blogger News!"). The episode got me thinking of my goals and my accomplishments and how far I had come in my own journey. I felt good listening to it. I (gasp!) enjoyed running to them.

I can't wait to listen to the next episode and I hope that you'll support these two chicks as they support fellow weight loss bloggers.

P.S. Podcasts are super easy to listen to - you can download them to your iPod or mp3 player (or you can listen to it while sitting in front of your computer). Personally, I got it (and their previous episodes) from iTunes, but you can also download it from their website, Two Fit Chicks. Plus, the best part is each episode is FREE!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Channeling Stuart Smalley

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
--Stuart Smalley

In the '90s, Al Franken had a character on Saturday Night Live named Stuart Smalley. Stuart had a self-help show called "Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley" and on the sketch he said cheesy things meant to build up himself and others.

When I watched the show as a teenager, I remember laughing hysterically. I thought, "Who could be SUCH a loser to actually need to say that crap to themselves?"

The answer, as it turns out, is me.

After years of resisting the idea, I've come to realize that it's not a bunch of bunk. Your self talk means more to you than you even realize - or at least it does to me.

And if you think about it, it makes sense.

For years, I've told myself that I wasn't good enough. I told myself that I didn't get hit on, didn't get the job or promotion I wanted, or didn't get the love that I needed because I simply *wasn't* good enough.

The funny thing about you and I: we always want to be right. So what you look for in life, you WILL find. Personally, I looked for ways, subconsciously of course, for life to prove that I wasn't good enough, wasn't worth enough, or wasn't worthy of love. And if you've read my blog for long, you know of all the ways that I've punished myself for those beliefs.

The thing is, if the first thing you think when you look at yourself naked in the mirror is "Eesh. I am fat!" then you reinforce to your subconcious that you *are* fat. That thought is reinforced every time you pass a mirror or even a clean window where you catch your reflection. Worse, the feeling that you reinforce to yourself is disgust.

For me, it became such a continuous thought of myself as being gross and fat, that I started to believe that I couldn't be anything different. What's more, it's actually changed my memory. I remember me struggling with my weight when I was a kid, especially a teenager. But when I looked at a random picture this weekend I saw that I was a normal kid with a normal build - through my freshman and sophomore years in high school. But I *felt* fat. And so, that is what I became. My brain wanted me to be right...and what you think you are eventually becomes what you are.

I bring this point up because I think that this time of year, many people are looking for a miracle cure, a miracle pill, or some THING that someone will write or say to help them lose weight. And what I'm hoping they'll do instead is take a moment and evaluate their own self talk.

Because even if you still look at yourself in the mirror and cringe, you can start changing your mindset by having a new affirmation.

As you know, I've been about the same weight for the last 9 months. At first, the weight coming off was so easy! As I read other diet/healthy living blogs, I've realized that those that are successful are the people who believe that they can do it.

In celebration of that, I've decided that I need a new affirmation - something that will help me stay on track. My subconscious needs a shot of hope right about now and on the off chance that yours might too, I'm sharing my affirmation.

I adapted this affirmation from a contestant on "The Biggest Loser: Where Are They Now" special that aired last November. For the life of me, I can't remember the contestant's name that had an affirmation speech. If any of you remember his name, I'd love to give him credit for it.

Without further ado, here is my affirmation:

I'm Anne - healthy, sexy, and great.
I am easily reaching my goal weight
of at or around one sixty-eight.
Hokey? Yes. Does it need some work? Probably. I'm sharing it to let you know that you can start from anywhere. Your affirmation doesn't have to be perfect, just as you don't have to be.
As hokey as it sounds, the funny thing is, when I say my affirmation, I feel better. I realize that I'm saying it - not just for the 32 year old me - but for all the me's that I've been in my life.
Sometimes I say it for the 13 year old me that was teased for being fat on the bus.
Other times, it's for the 16 year old me that was too scared to accept a prom date request because what if he put his hands on my waist and felt my fat rolls?
I say it to help the 18 year old me that ballooned in weight who wanted desperately to believe that she wasn't the cause of her parents marriage ending.
And I know that the 25 year old me who was told that I was just too fat to be attractive by her boyfriend needs to hear it.
Just as the 30 year old me that believed that her boyfriend was justified when she found that she had been cheated on needs to know that SHE was and is worthy of love and respect.
For all of the me's I have been, I'm promising to make myself a priority. I'm promising to not look to others, or food, for validation of my worth.
I am enough.
I'm promising to say it, daily, until I believe it. And since I always want to be right, I'm saying it, daily, until it's true.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

It's the little things

One of the things I dislike the most about hotel rooms is the towels. If they're not smelling of bleach, they're scratchy. And the "bath" towel is about the size of a postage stamp. Sometimes, I have to double check to make sure that I'm not drying off with a hand towel!

At home, I love to get out of the shower and wrap myself with a plush, soft towel. Now, I'm sure they're not the plushest, the biggest, or the highest quality, but the thing that I love the most about them, is that they FIT around me when I wrap it around my newly clean body.

Not so much with the hotel bath towel.

This morning when I got out of the shower in my hotel room, I dried off with their towel and as I walked to the bedroom area of the room, I passed by the mirror and took a look. I was amazed, once again this trip, at how I've been able to have the towel close around me completely. No peeking through at the bottom.

To assure you, this towel *is* bigger than the other ones that I've had at hotel rooms. But for the life of me, I can't remember the last time this happened.

It's the little things that keep me going.

It's flying with assurance that the seat belt *WILL* fit around my middle without being uncomfortable the whole flight.

And soon, it's going to be knowing that when I go to the doctor's office and they weigh me on a traditional scale that I don't have to sheepishly say "it's the next one over" (to 200) when they start with the big weight on the 150 pound mark.

I'm trying to take the time to recognize those little successes. Because they add up to eventually be a whole new me - a whole new way of living. A whole new norm.

What are some of the "little" successes you've had recently?

I want ideas of what to look forward to!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Lemme' Splain

Inigo Montoya: Let me 'splain.
Inigo Montoya: No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

--Indigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride"

So very much has happened in the past week that I have found myself not wanting to update it at all. However, I feel that a) it's a good thing to document what's happened and my feelings surrounding these things and b) you might be wondering.

So, starting with a week ago, I found out that I was not allowed to go to a training within my company that I have been on the waiting list for YEARS to go to. Further, this training will help me get the ideal job - either within or outside of the company I currently work for. Yadda yadda yadda...I fought to go and now I'm in Houston getting smarter daily.

Also about a week ago, I started getting these mind numbing headaches. Pairing that with a rib fracture that I was feeling, I opted to see a doctor. Unfortunately, I was taking so much pain medication for the headache that it masked the pain in my ribs. I had other weird symptoms so they instructed me to get a CT scan. Since I was going to be traveling this week, I opted to get it done. Yadda yadda yadda...I'm fine.

In the middle of all of that, my boyfriend and I had a HUGE fight. It started as a disagreement and involved each one of us saying things and indicating things that were probably unfair. The thing is, it's instilled some serious doubt about the longevity of this relationship. Part of me wants to say that everything will be alright, but truthfully? I'm just thinking that me continuing this relationship may not be the best thing for me. I don't want to get into details, but suffice it to say, I'm concerned. Yadda yadda yadda...we're still together and things are 'okay.'

So basically, I FEEL like I've got a lot going on - whether that's reality or not, sometimes I'm not sure.

The travel has made it tough to continue to eat well...mostly because I really don't enjoy traveling and OH MY GOSH IT'S FREE FOOD THAT I MUST EAT!!! Yesterday I did fairly well - eating wise. A group went to Dave and Busters yesterday evening and I ordered an apple and pecan salad with chicken. For the record, Dave and Busters doesn't exactly have a weight watching friendly menu. I even ran for a few miles on the treadmill at the hotel before going and I'm glad about that too.

In weight news, I managed to lose 0.6 pounds this past week and I suppose I'm happy about that.

I don't know....I feel sort of blah. I can't wait to return to my normal routine - especially since things feel so...well...up in the air right now about various things. I can't wait to catch up on your blogs and to be immersed in the support that is out there.

Not sure when I'll be back on this week - but until then, be well.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

To track or not to track

Studies show that you are significantly more successful in your weight loss efforts when you write down everything that you eat. In case you want to read more about it, you can read a few articles here.

So if writing everything that you eat down (or tracking) is one of the tools for success, why do we resist so much?

Tracking all of what we eat was the subject at last night's Weight Watchers meeting. I know that a lot of you don't utilize Weight Watchers, but I think that the message of this post is the same regardless of what system you use.

It's probably my least favorite topic. In fact, when someone even mentions the word, I inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) roll my eyes.

A part of me feels like it's this kiss-up answer that we give to the leader. Anytime she asks a question about how to get back on track, how to get motivated again, or how to kick-start the weight loss, someone mentions tracking. It's like the universal right answer - and a part of me feels like it's lame that tracking is the magic pill that we all need to master in order to lose weight.

So go figure - I struggle with tracking.

When I first started my weight loss in July of 2008, I tracked religiously. I almost never went to bed without having tracked - and even if I went over my points, at least I KNEW how it happened and where the gain came from.

I tracked for 20 solid weeks. And then, when I switched from the weekly coupons to the monthly e-pass, I stopped.

So I guess I've figured out that even though it might be easier and more convenient to track online or on my iPhone, I do better at tracking when I write it down.

Last night, during the meeting, our leader read this little poem with an adaptation of "10 Little Indians." The poem counted down Weight Watchers members instead of Indians and listed all the reasons why when people don't track, they're not successful.

At one point during the meeting, she mentioned that she was horrible at tracking and that she doesn't track her food intake now. I've heard her say this before, and honestly, I think I took it as an excuse for me to not track. Then she said that it took her 2 years to lose her weight and that if she were better at tracking, perhaps it wouldn't have taken her so long.

I don't know if it was that statement or if it was hearing ten ways that not tracking isn't helpful to weight loss, but I left the meeting with a renewed resolve to track. The repetition and dwelling on this subject resonated with me somehow and I guess I started opening my eyes to how tracking isn't just lame, it's necessary.

It's easy for us to sit around and whine about how the pounds aren't coming off, to say that everything is SOOO hard when it comes to losing weight, or even to complain that "nothing works." But how can we know if anything works if we're not documenting what we're doing? Aren't we worth taking the extra few minutes to double check points values?

I try to practice mindful eating and the fact that I've kept the weight that I have lost off as much as I have is proof that I'm getting better about being contentious in my eating. But I know that I can really lock into what is going on when I at least document the facts.

If I really want to accomplish my goals this year, tracking is likely going to have to be a tool that I learn to use - at least until I can monitor my progress in other ways.

It's almost as if I'm a baby and I've been thinking to myself, "Why bother learning how to crawl? Years from now, I'll only be walking or running - I shouldn't HAVE to learn this!" What I think it's easy to lose sight of is that the crawling prepares us for the walking and running. Similarly, tracking prepares us for being able to judge, accurately, how much we're eating. When we get better at judging our intake of calories, we can get better at figuring out how much exercise we need to shed excess pounds.

My goal is not to track for the rest of my life. But I guess that I've come to terms with that it's necessary if I want to continue losing weight. I've gotten pretty good at judging how many calories (or points) I can eat each week to stay within a five pound range...heck, that's what I've done for almost the past 9 months.

To move forward in my weight loss, I must bite the bullet and realize that I need to recalibrate - through tracking - how much I am able to eat while losing weight.

Tracking is STILL not my favorite subject. It's never going to be something that I'm going to leap with happiness to do. But I do plenty of things in my life that I don't want to do. I mean, I get up each morning and go to work when I'd rather sleep an extra hour. I even get a yearly PAP smear and I think we can all agree that that appointment isn't much fun.

I guess I've figured out that I don't have to love it to appreciate it and recognize it's benefits.

And so - today - I'm choosing to track.

Monday, January 4, 2010

2009 Rundown...literally

In my inbox today was an email from Nike+ encouraging me to check out my running stats for 2009.

And, because I'm all about sharing, here they are:

I've mentioned several times just how much I love my Nike+ - it helps keep me motivated by running faster, longer, or with more consistency.

I know that it might be a bit difficult to read the numbers, but the green graph shows how many miles I ran each month. Clearly, you can tell from the graph that I ran quite a bit more in the months where it is sunny. I find it harder to run in the colder months and that's when my asthma (I have "exercise induced asthma") acts up.

But really, even 14 miles a month (what I did in December, my least active running month) isn't horrible. That's an average of running 2 times per week. In December I also tried snowshoeing and worked on some resistance training.

And the other stats? Well, I'm happy with those too. For months I could only walk due to my knee pain, so an average of a 12'00" mile is great. And can you read the total calories burned? 33728 calories burned in 2009 (mid-April on).

I'm excited to see what my stats will be for 2010. I've already said that I want to run a 10K and a half marathon. To do that means more training and on a more consistent basis.

I love non-scale goals like this. When the scale isn't budging quite as much as we'd all like, it's nice to measure success in other ways, or at least it is for me.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Hello New Day! :)

Like I wrote yesterday, I love this time of year.

It's a great time to take stock of who you are, think about what you want to be, and then go about changing whatever you want.

It's a time to wipe the slate clean of past mistakes, muck-ups, and failures. It's a time to start dreaming of what you can accomplish and putting a plan into action of how to get there.

I love this time of year.

This year, my goals are to continue in my quest to be healthier: mind, body, and spirit.

Specifically, I want to:
* continue my therapy sessions so that I can find closure for the traumas that I have let plague my life for too long
* complete a 10K in May
* complete a half marathon by the end of the year
* get to where I can run a 10 minute mile average during a 5K
* continue to find positive ways to treat myself, other than food
* try one new sport or activity
* get to my goal weight by 2011
* be more consistent about posting here

Lofty goals? Maybe. But they're specific, achievable, within my control, and a good fit for my life.

How about you - any goals or dreams you want to share?

And, as a parting thought, here is a song by one of my favorite positive artists, Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers, titled "Hello New Day!"