Going down...

Last night I weighed in at my meeting and I found that I had lost 2.2 pounds!

Mostly, I'm excited because last week was a pretty rough week for me emotionally...and there were many times that I felt lots of different emotions even within the span of an hour.

For starters, I got a really craptastic email from Joe on Monday where I'm not sure he could've been more passive agressive should he have tried.  This came in right around the same time that I received a text that brushed off Mr. Wonderful.  Those came right after I found out that my boss who drives me bat-crap crazy is now coming into the office full time.

So basically, Monday kind of blew...and even though I tried to make it better, the week just never really recovered.  But you know what?  When I was sad, I cried.  And when I was happy, I laughed.  And when I wasn't hungry, I didn't eat.

That's the trend I hope to follow this week... it's so easy to say, but it's so hard to do sometimes. 

So, in case there is someone else out there wondering how I did it, I'll share what helped me. 

I really just tried to be aware of what I was feeling.

I've heard countless times that people should ask themselves if they're really hungry before eating something.  That doesn't work for me.  I can't, when faced with a delectable dessert, ask myself if I'm really hungry or (taking it a step further) what I'm really hungry for.  It just doesn't work for me.  I'm too flooded by saliva to make sane decisions and I usually just dig right in and tell myself that I'll try to figure it out later.

What HAS worked for me is to practice asking myself how I feel.  I do it so often that I'm not even aware of me consciously having to think that.

The benefit of this regular check-in is that I'm at least partially aware of how I'm feeling before I start being faced with food.

Sometimes the answer just comes back as "tired."  Well, that's great information to know and be aware of...I mean, if faced with a donut and sugar-laden coffee later, I'd probably be overly tempted to consume it.  But if I'm aware that I'm tired, it's somehow easier for me to make a logical decision and pass it up.

If the answer comes back that I'm sad, I try to sit with that feeling as long as possible before "doing" something about it.  I've felt that a lot this past week - and each time I've done a little something different.  I've hugged my cat, I've called friends, I've watched TV, I've journaled, and I've done something nice for somoene else. 

I make this distinction, of trying to be aware of my feelings rather than aware if I'm hungry, because for me THAT way is easier.  I realize that it's a bit like the proverbial chicken and the egg scenario, but being aware of my feelings BEFORE temptations arise, helps me tend to myself quicker before I'm salivating and struggling with decisions.

Make sense?

This week, I have a lot of stuff going on.  Lots of appointments packed into this week and get togethers with friends.  Somehow I need to finish my Christmas shopping and maybe even send out Christmas cards.

So I can't promise that I'll track appropriately or even keep around my points target.  But I can make a concerted effort to continue what feels right and good...and checking in with myself, being gentle and kind to myself, feels like an excellent Christmas gift.

Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.

There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.

And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 

But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 

Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes.  Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

Fabulous fifteen

It's been a while since I've reached for something that felt a little scary.

Last week, I decided to enroll in the Hot 100 Day Challenge hosted by South Beach Steve.  Note: it's not too late to join in!!  It's a 100 day challenge that started on Thursday and goes until the end of 2010.

So far?  I'm totally on track.  I've washed my face each night and have even remembered to take my daily vitamin.  I've also been building up my speed/distance for a 10K. 

It feels good to do good things for myself.

BUT Big Clyde stated that he needed something that was more short term and less...well...far off.

I completely agreed.

His challenge?  To decide on a number that we would run, bike, hike, whatever over the weekend.

Decide on that number and then DO it.

HIS weekend started on Friday and ended last night.

Like any good partier knows, the weekend TECHNICALLY consists of Friday night until Monday morning when you have to go to work.  So that's when MY weekend was.

I claimed the number 15 - through cycling and biking.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I DID IT! :)

Running Saturday evening on the treadmill at our workout room:

Biking Saturday after the run:

 Running outside (and OH did that feel good!) this morning:

 and biking at the workout room afterwards...

TADA!

That's a total of 15.35 miles.

YIPPEE!

It felt really good to be a part of a short term goal group - and since I knew that Big Clyde was going to persevere, I wanted to do my part too.

It feels good - to set a goal that is a bit scary but doable - and to achieve it.  Plus, I found that cycling after running actually makes my knees feel better...so I might add a few miles at the end of each run anyway.

At the risk of sounding like a song on The Biggest Loser, what did you do this weekend that made you feel proud?

And, if you haven't already done so, it's not too late to enter into the Laughing Cow sweeps for this month.  One lucky commenter wins $150 on a VISA card to spend on whatever they want.  There have been SO FEW people commenting that BOTH of the previous months' winners have been followers of this blog.  With the holidays coming up, who couldn't use $150?  You can enter by writing anything funny in the comments section on my review blog.  If you want more entries, you can tweet about it, blog about it on your page, or just visit the other funny reviewers and enter their contests too.  It's so frickin' easy!  WAY easier than 15 miles of exercise.

Just what I needed

So I've been having a problem with consistency as of late. Like my weight loss will be down three weeks in a row and then up. And no, it's not because of a monthly thing...

I think it's because the novelty of WW has worn off. I mean, I've been at it since mid-July. And, although I'm proud of my weight loss to date, I'm getting a little bored. I've now been on it longer than I have been "on" any new diet. And I have to say, I'm pretty happy that there are some things that are becoming routine. I find that when I focus on my health and not just the pounds, that I feel better, I do better, and I am better. The weight loss follows. These changes are becoming more "normal" and I'm finding that I'm adjusting to the concept that this whole eating healthier... welll, it gets me feeling healthier. And I want to feel that way for the rest of my life. So returning to old habits isn't a good idea. Although I'm proud of that, I'm finding that the jump between 40 and 45 doesn't seem as big of a deal as the jump between 0 and 5. Am I right or am I right? The novelty has worn off...even if only a tad. Plus, being 45 pounds down has given me lots of compliments...and I'm feeling pretty good. I no longer wear any LB clothes and even fit into a size MEDIUM shirt at the Gap. Alright, it must've been a wonky medium because I don't fit in any other mediums...but I'm still claiming it as fantastic. These are great accomplishments and are the little successes that are keeping me going, even if it's at a slower pace than what it used to be.

Having said that, it's always great to work towards a goal. I'm not even half way to mine and find that mini-goals along the way help out a ton - as does accountability.

Late last year, I joined the Christmas Challenge that Chubby Chick hosted. It was great and kept me on track...or at least was an added bonus of something I got to do on Monday nights after my meeting. :) Plus, I met people like Dave through it (and from him I got to meet a lot of other weight loss bloggers!) - win, win! :)

Anyway, she just started a new challenge...one for between now and the 4th of July. You can sign up at any time and can update at any time. I am excited to work towards a goal...and am glad that she hosts these. You get to set your own goal...and they just ask that you post weekly to talk about how you did. I saw a lot of people choosing 40 pounds (because there is 20 weeks between the start and finish of the challenge). Two pounds a week would be lovely, but I don't think that I could keep up with that. So instead, I'm going for 35....which I think is doable.

Join me if you'd like...it's fun! :)