It's funny what dedication can do...

I lost 7.2 pounds this week! :)

I'm super happy right now.  Not because it's a big loss (although, let's be honest, that feels awesome).  Not because it's a lower number (although if my goal is to weigh less, this is a great start).  Not even because I got a five pound sticker.

But because I said I was going to do something and I did it.  Even when it was hard.  Even while having three dates - one of which was to watch the Broncos at our stadium for the playoff win (hello, beer and fatty foods much?).

What I love most is how I feel.  I have more energy and I just feel better inside my own skin.  I'm not as lethargic and I'm sleeping better.

So how'd I do it? 

Well, first, I tracked every single thing I ate.  Even when I overate.  I counted up the points whether I was within my target or not.  I think having to write down every bite helped me be more accountable and mindful of what was going in my mouth.  It made me pause and ask if I was really hungry or if I was feeling something else.

Some days I ate past my points target.  But invariably, the next day I under ate.  Not that it was intentional...it's just the way my body was.  One day I was super hungry and the next I wasn't.

So what'd I learn? 

That I can trust my body.  I still need to eat when hungry.  And I need to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry.  I need to be aware of where my calories are coming from - are they coming from higher protein foods so that I'll be satisfied longer?  Or are they coming from "empty" calories that probably won't last?

I learned that every day, without fail so far, I'm hungry at 10:15 AM.  So I have a snack prepared.  Sometimes it's a hard boiled egg.  Sometimes it's a piece of fruit.  But whatever it is, I have it ready to eat at 10:15.  Trying to white-knuckle it to lunch time leaves me feeling deprived.  Eating a snack mid-morning helps me feel more satisfied at lunch time.

My goal for this next week is to just keep tracking.  Typically tracking isn't my strong point, but I think that it's very helpful to be aware of what is going in my body.  It helps me ask questions like "Is this going to fuel me until I eat again?" "Am I hungry or do I want something else?" "What else have I eaten today that is healthy?"

Those questions (I think) are good no matter what program you're following or implementing.

It's week two of the new year, people.  How are YOU doing?

So what happens now?

In the musical Evita, there is a song entitled, "Another Suitcase in Another Hall."

The gist of the song is this: Evita goes to Buenos Aires expecting to make it big as an actress, dancer, or anything, and instead gets many rejections.  She asks, "So what happens now?" continually and the people in the song answer back, "another suitcase in another hall...take your picture off another wall...you'll get by you always have before."

And still she continues the cycle - asking what should happen after her most recent rejection...

Until the last time that she asks, "So what happens now?" where a photographer answers back "Don't ask anymore."

It's like the simplest answer, right?

If asking a question repeatedly stresses you out, stop doing it.

All of that was a (probably poorly written) segue into my life.

The past few weeks, as I've been walking past storefront windows (which are everywhere downtown), I've been catching glimpses of myself in the window.  And when I see myself - walking alongside Joe, my sister, friends visiting from out of town, or even one of the homeless people that are always around, I find myself amazed at just how big I look.  I look EVERY time there is a window that I can see my reflection in.  I look, I reflect, I judge, and I self loathe.  That's the cycle.

This morning, I enjoyed a small celebration on the scale - which showed a number lower than what it has been in a week or two.  I've been battling my eating the last several weeks, so seeing a smaller number has been a long time coming.  When I got dressed, I felt smaller, I felt confident, I felt proud of the food choices I have been making.

And yet - on the way to my car, I noticed the window - and the person staring back at me was the same frumpy, fat person she always is.

When I look at the window reflection, I see myself exactly like how I did at my heaviest weight. I look slumpy, with a large waist, and no chin. I look huge, unkempt, and unbelievably fat. I immediately start feeling bad about myself, my looks, and my self confidence plummets.

I'm tired of looking and seeing someone that I was 50 pounds ago.  I'm tired of hearing that critical Voice inside my head telling me that each change, each bite, each decision that I make that is healthier isn't making a difference on the outside.  The Voice tells me that I never will see a smaller reflection, so I might as well give in and live the gluttonous life of the person I resemble.

So what happens now?

I'm determined to change my reaction to the girl in the window reflection.

So what happens now?

I'm determined to life a healthy life - one that nurtures my body, my mind, and my spirit.  I will make positive choices that affect these areas of my life.

So what happens now?

Since I can't seem to see the reflection without judging and hurting my spirit, I'm telling myself, "Don't look anymore."

It was the first of many positive choices that I made and will continue to make today.  I stood up for ME even though it would've been easier to reply the same record.  I made a healthy choice - to let go of the relationship with the girl in the window - after all, she makes me feel bad every time I see her. 

I feel empowered, I feel great, and I feel like I can do this.

So, I ask you...what happens next in your life?

One "good" day makes all the difference

It's been months and months since I've had a day that I was completely "on plan." When I was following Weight Watchers regularly, a "good" day was easy to identify. It was a day I hit my points exactly.

I can probably count on one hand how many times that has happened in the last year and a half.

What I didn't realize is that when I told myself, basically every day for the last year and a half, that I WASN'T doing the right thing, a lot of guilt built up. Even when I'd tell myself to forgive myself, I'd still feel this twinge of disgust. For me, the need for binges build up quickly and easily when I feel too restricted, too chastised, too fat, and too shameful.

What is it that sets us off when we don't eat 100% on plan?

Moreover, isn't it interesting how one "good" day can make anything seem possible?

Yesterday, I actually had a great day. I started the day off with an iced chai tea because I was hungry and I knew that I had a slew of meetings that I would have to attend upon arrival at work. I also knew that I hadn't packed anything readily available and I didn't want any of the "on the go" snacks I had in my car or drawer at work. So I stopped and got a the chai tea latte. Maybe I didn't savor the it quite as I could've, but I enjoyed it.

That kept me satisfied until about 10 am. And then I thought, "Crap! Lunch is in two hours! I probably shouldn't eat anything substantial. I don't want to throw off my whole day!" But I realized that that was silly. I didn't WANT to settle for a Fiber One bar or microwave popcorn at my desk. I wanted something really good and tasty. I had about 3/4 cup of nonfat Fage yogurt with fresh blueberries, blackberries, agave nectar, and a package of Nature Valley granola bars in it. DIVINE.

That kept me satisfied until around 2, when I was hungry. I had two slices of a individual pizza that I had ordered a few days ago from a local pizza place (margarita pizza: tomato slices, tomato sauce and a few slices/circles of mozzarella cheese). At the end of that, I was still hungry so I had a few small slices of a wedge of Gouda that I brought to work (along with a handful of crackers).

THAT kept me satisfied until I met a friend for dinner after work. I ordered something that I always stay away from - chicken fried steak. I had about 60% of it, 75% of my hashbrown casserole, some grits, a cornbread muffin, and about a half cup of coleslaw. What can I say? That is precisely what I felt like eating. No, I didn't have a ton of veggies today, but yesterday I had almost all veggies all day (as that is what I felt like eating then). And right now? I'm not stuffed. I'm actually happily comfortable.

Now, I know some of you are thinking "JEEZ lady! Count up the points/calories, I'm sure you'll be WAY over what you should be! Why, exactly, are you proud of yourself?"

It's because I'm completely satisfied.

Maybe I did gain weight today. Maybe I did go overboard. But I ate exactly what I wanted. I ate only when I was hungry AND I stopped when I was no longer hungry.

THAT is my plan.

And just like how I got a ton of exercise in on Monday because my body felt like moving, I feel great that I listened to my body. Typically when I have more calorie dense days, it's followed by a day where I don't eat as much. Maybe that will be the case tomorrow.

I'm not weighing myself daily. I refuse to be a slave to the scale and to hyper analyze the numbers it says (as I am wont to do). I'll weigh myself next Tuesday for the VBL weigh in and then adjust my focus if I need to then.

What feels good is that my eating today was mindful. I'm proud that I ordered what I really wanted - even if it was something that my mom would've told me that I couldn't have. That many starches for side dishes? No way was that acceptable when I was growing up. If I would've tried to order that in front of her (even now) I would've gotten at least a disapproving look and (when I was younger) her telling the waiter that I wanted maybe some green beans or fresh veggies instead.

But I didn't get to be 280 pounds by doing what my mom said I should do. I got to 280 pounds by rebelling against what she said; by eating in public what I "should" and then bingeing like crazy afterward in the comfort of my own home.

Today I was authentic. Even when my co-workers raised their eyebrows about me eating at 2 PM (because they didn't notice that I didn't eat at noon) thinking that I was having a second lunch. Even when my friend and Joe were seeing that I wanted a big ol' fatty meal tonight for dinner.

Being authentic is healthy.

Will I always have a fatty meal like that and lose weight? Well, no. I mean, when your calories in exceed your output of calories, you WILL gain weight.

I'm not on a magical plan and are therefore not exempt from basic math.

But as I give my body (and mind) what it wants, I know that it will release all of the judgment about food and what I can/can't or should/shouldn't have. It will release the rebellion - towards my mother, father, ex-boyfriends, and bullies from school. As I release my rebellion, I know I'll start choosing more and more foods on a more regular basis that are intrinsically healthier.

And THAT leads to a healthier me - no matter what.

Today I'm holding onto the feeling from last night - when I was pleased, content, proud, and happy. Tonight, I want to feel that same feeling again.

One day being on plan - whatever that is for you - makes all the difference. It's a building block to a healthier you.

Let's do it today, shall we?

A little progress is STILL progress

Monday night I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and was down 0.4 pounds. I personally believe that I'm down more than that - as my clothes are fitting so much looser these days (hello, NOTCH THREE! I'm talking to you!). Maybe I weighed heavier yesterday because of food, water, or clothes...but whatever it is, I'm confident that next week will pick up what this week's scale didn't measure.

Several people, independent of each other, told me that I was looking significantly thinner than what I have been looking like. I know that feeling lighter isn't just in my head.

So a 0.4 pound loss? Yeah, I'll take it.

It's movement in the right direction, and it's re-enforcement that what I'm doing by listening to my body is right.

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you, but this is the FIRST time I've lost three weeks in a row in over a year.

(sigh)

I've written about this before, but I've taken the past year to get my head right (or at least more right than what it was before!) so that I can have a happier and healthier life. I want to be happy and healthy in my mind, body, and spirit.

It's been a long time coming, but the trend line of progress is finally facing in the right direction.

I'm writing this to celebrate my success, but also to motivate those who haven't seen much scale movement in a while.

Keep at it. Trust yourself to figure out what is going to work for you. The best way you can do that is by trial and error sometimes. It's discouraging, sure. It's disheartening. But when you FINALLY get the "right" tool/mindset for you, it's worth it.

Never, never give up; there is a healthier you just around the corner.

NSV - on a Monday :)

Mondays kind of suck. At least they can. For most of us, it means that we have to go back to work - and that our weekend (and free time) is over.

Work has been really stressful recently. It's been this giant drag on my life and I'm trying to figure out how I want to get out of my current situation...I was REALLY looking forward to the weekend.

Unfortunately, life had other plans. I had a pretty crappy weekend. I don't feel like getting into it yet, but let's just say it was crappy, non-rejuvenating, stressful, and that I didn't get half of the stuff that I wanted done. My life, in many ways, got flipped upside down. I'm currently trying to repair the damage. It'll take a while.

Perhaps needless to say, I was less than thrilled when I realized that this weekend was over and that I had to go back into work (and into another stressful situation). But as you know, sometimes life is just like that.

This morning I got ready with less enthusiasm than normal. I put on my clothes in my normal fashion, but was delighted when I felt something different when putting on my clothes. I checked and re-checked...but kept seeing/feeling THIS:

In case you can't tell, that's me. Or rather, that's a picture of my clothes. :) Including my belt. Which is on the third notch from the end.

I showed Joe this morning as he was getting ready and he said, "That's great honey" and continued shaving.

"No, Joe. It's fantastic. My belt is on NOTCH THREE!", I replied.

He kept replying that it was good and I kept saying "Notch Three!" until finally he asked if I couldn't hear that he was saying that it was good.

My reply? "Oh. I can hear you. I'm just telling myself over and over again because I can hardly believe it."

My belt has not used this notch EVER. I haven't been this thin in years. And for the past year, I've stayed at the same weight and size - trying to fix myself mentally before I moved on.

I'm finally moving on.

My belt, at notch three is comfortable. I just finished my breakfast and it's still comfortable.

My life hasn't gotten less stressful - in fact, it's gotten more stressful. Things aren't easier. But I'm taking care of myself.

I'm losing weight.

I'm listening to my body.

I feel amazing.

I'm successful.

It feels great to write those things and actually mean them.

P.S. NOTCH THREE! :)

Building momentum

Probably one of my lowest moments in recent months was when I started really feeling apathetic towards my weight loss. I had maintained a 50-55 pound weight loss for a year...and I started to think that maybe that was good enough. Maybe this weight was where I was meant to be. Maybe being in size 16 jeans was as good as it got for me.

That's when I wrote the post about decadence and about how maybe me not doing as well in my eating was actually me trying to pamper myself. Since then, I've had many a-ha! moments. In fact, I'd wager to say that I've learned more about myself in the last two months than what I had in the previous 12.

I've learned to trust myself. I've learned to listen to my body more. During the decision to put my house on the market, getting an offer, looking for houses, and ultimately deciding to live with Joe, I've learned to trust that everything will be okay - no matter what happens.

Moreover, I've learned to trust myself again with food. I'm not saying I'm perfect with this...but as harried as things felt last week, I kept going with what felt right to me: Eat things that fuel your body when you're hungry. Don't deprive yourself, but do exercise self-control.

I'm pleased to report that I had another 2 pound loss this week. This loss, even when paired with the 2.8 pound loss from last week, doesn't even negate the 5 pound gain I had a few weeks ago. But it's in the right direction.

It feels good to have a loss and know that you "earned" it. I put in the work, I listened to my body more consistently than I have. I made mistakes, but I worked through them. It'll be something that I'll have to practice with more regularity until it becomes my habit, of course, but for now I'm focusing on the feeling of when I am mindful about my eating, I feel great.

I'm proud to be at 53.8 pounds down...even if it is the umpteenth time I've been here. I'm proud to be here because I know that this is the last time I will be at this weight.

Oh, and my size 16 jeans are no longer too tight. :) Sure, sure...the best news is that my body feels better, but come on! Not having to use a shoehorn to get into jeans that are too tight is a fantastic feeling. Can I get an "Amen?"