Resolutions

This past weekend, I went on a really great and special date with a guy.  I won't write much about him yet, since it was only our second date and I'm not quite sure where things are going, but it was a great time.

Early on in the evening, he asked me if I had any resolutions for the new year.  Practical question, no?  And honestly, I kind of was taken aback...because truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it.

I did say that one of the things I wanted to do more of was volunteer my time with/through organizations that I'm passionate about.  And that's true.  That's something that I really do want to do.

He nodded and then said, "Really?  Nothing else?"

Sure, I knew that I could pepper him with lots of things I wanted to do better...but again, the second date may not really be the place to start unloading your personal baggage.

So I said that 2011 was a year of a lot of change for me.  And that I'd really like to build upon those changes, those positive things that I've done, so that I can end 2012 happier and healthier than I started it.

I'm always reluctant to make New Year's Resolutions...I think, in part, because it feels like I'm making a promise.  I mean, I get it, that's the point.  And yet when it comes down to it, I don't like breaking promises. because then I feel guilty.  And who wants to feel guilty about letting themselves down for not making ENOUGH progress?

Not me.

So maybe that's a good resolution for me: To feel guilty less often.

I asked him what his resolutions were and he actually said, "to lose five pounds."  He said it twice during the evening, but to be honest, I'm not sure where he's going to get the five pounds from.  He looks healthy.  I'm not sure what his motivations are for saying it...if it's something that he really believes or something that he thinks everyone typically says.

Whatever the case, I don't want to lose five pounds this year.  I really do want to lose more.

When he asked me out for NYE, I said yes - I mean, I really couldn't think of anyone I was more interested in.  And then he told me what we'd be doing...going to a fancy steak restaurant and then a trendy party where no casual clothes are allowed.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a few heart palpitations...I mean, what in the hell was I going to wear?  And since I wasn't told what the plans were until Friday morning, I didn't have a lot of places I could go to find a suitable outfit.

Because the fact of the matter is, I don't fit in the clothes that I have for such occasions, not any more.

And that, my dear friends, is a sh!tty feeling.  As if you don't know.

Eventually I scrounged up something that was suitable from my existing wardrobe, but beforehand, I spent HOURS looking for a cute dress that would leave me feeling sexy and ravishing. 

That dress?  Apparently does not exist in Denver.

I really do hate picking myself apart in the mirrors of dressing rooms.  But that can happen at any size.  So maybe that's a good resolution for me: When looking at myself in a mirror, give myself mental compliments before I become critical of my flaws. 

Tonight I go to my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this year.  I have no clue if I've gained or lost weight.  I haven't tracked or really paid attention to anything.  So I'm thinking that I'll probably have gained.

BUT today I registered for two races.  One is a 7K, The Runnin' O' The Green held in March.  And the other is the Cherry Creek Sneak, a 5 miler held in April.

I miss running; I miss how good it makes me feel.  That's a good resolution for me: Do more things that make me feel good.

And yet, those three resolutions aren't really getting to the heart of my weight problem.

So I'm going to be bold and say that I want to be dedicated to Weight Watchers and myself again.

I want to clean up my eating.  I want to experiment with more foods.  I want to eat less and move more. 

I want to be thinner.

I want to do this the right way, but that involves holding myself accountable. 

So for me, I've decided to put my weight tracker up, front and center, on my page.  And I'm putting two more up - the countdown to my first 5 pound star of the year and my 10% goal.  I'll put all counters up after I weigh in tonight, so the data is accurate from the get go.

I'm also putting up some reminders in my house and car.  Staying focused on my goals always helps me.

The last piece of the accountability is blogging about it.  Updating my weight loss here, weekly, is going to help me.  It may just be a post script at the bottom of the page, but I'm going to do it. I know that disclosing the numbers will help me celebrate the small losses that I'll have.  It'll build my momentum and my confidence.

If 2011 was a year of changes interally, 2012 can be my year of external changes.  Doing more - to help myself and others is something I have a lot of passion for.  And I can't wait to show it.

After the Rapture...

Last week, when I packing for my trip to Chicago, I left my suitcase out in our bedroom so that I could throw things in as I thought of them. (Is here when I say that after years of frequent travel, I *still* don’t pack the night before I leave? It’s always the morning of the trip.) It’s also an invitation to an unspoken request that Joe and I have for each other - a way to unobtrusively tuck in little notes in the other person’s luggage. Since I’m the more frequent traveler, typically I send a card while I’m away or leave him a note or two for him to discover while I’m gone.

When I got to Chicago, I discovered a few notes – and they’re usually filled with the endearment that Joe and I call each other. I always feel good and loved when I find a new one.

But Thursday night – the night before I was leaving – I discovered the last note, tucked into my running shoes.

A simple “I love you” was all the note said – and it was a great boost to don my running gear and head down to the hotel’s dreadmill. Normally, I love to run outside…but it was 4 in the afternoon, it was hot, humid (for this Colorado gal) and sunny. And I forgot my sunglasses at home. Oh yeah, and I was in a completely foreign suburb right off the highway and busy streets. Probably not the safest thing I’d attempt.

The dreadmill was the only viable option –and that’s what I chose.
I remember a time when I was able to run for 5 miles without stopping or walking. I remember a time when I was pacing under 10 minutes a mile. Those times are not now.

Now I suck wind at the ¾ mile mark. Now I resort to walking one song and running for another. Now my pace is slower. Now is painful.

But I did it. I slugged through the 4 km I had planned.

It relaxed me and made me feel more in control before I had dinner with my father (who was about 15 minutes away from where the hotel was). Time with my father usually makes me feel tense and out of control.

As I build my pace and distance once again, I hope I hold onto the memory of these tougher times – when I can look back and say “look how far I’ve come!”

Last night in my Weight Watchers meeting, our leader asked about ways to keep workouts from being boring. There were a few suggestions from other people, but I realized my own truth inside of me: I used to love running races. I loved trying to improve upon the last one. I loved wearing the race shirt later. I loved being motivated by someone my size (or bigger) who trudged along and ran the whole thing too. I loved pushing through when I felt that I couldn’t (or didn’t want to) run another step.

That is how I kept running fresh.

I’m going to pick out a race to run in the next month. Initially, I wanted to run the Undy 5000, but it’s on June 25th and that’s our anniversary…and we’ve already been talking about going out of town.

I want to pick a race that will be fun – and one that when I wear the shirt afterwards, I can be reminded of a time when I found myself again.

Perseverance, Week 2: Less Sugar

Last week, I mentioned that the idea of small changes adding up to big lifestyle changes was a motivator for me.  My small change from last week was that I was going to start adding in more water to my daily life.

So how'd I do?  Well, pretty good.  My facility doesn't have ice (I KNOW, what do they think we are, animals?!?) so water is less temping than before.  BUT they do have fairly cold water fountains.  So I've been making frequent trips to the water fountain throughout the day to put water in my nalgene bottle (cartoon drawing of it to the right).  I learned quickly to not fill it up, as I typically don't drink the whole thing before it gets warm.

Week 1?  Success!

For the second week, I really wanted to focus on something that I think will help me in the long run AND the short run:  To cut down on sweets.

This is a tough one for me - especially lately.  I've been craving sweets more and more...and there seems to be something to the idea that the more you have of something, the more your body craves it - especially with sweets.

So this week, as impossible as it might feel, I'm going to limit my refined sugar as much as possible.

The hardest thing to do is to cut out the sugar in my coffee, but I think I'm breaking free of that.  Today, after two mugfuls of coffee, I still had only used less than half of a Sweet N' Low packet.  Next, I need to watch the dessert offerings that I've been having after dinner.  A few Milk Duds are turning into a few handfuls...and what's worse, they're not even being mindfully consumed.

Last night, on the way home from work, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some delicious blackberries and honeycrisp apples, two of my most favorite fruits.  This way, when I'm armed with something sweet for after dinner, I can have a healthy portion of fruit instead of my usual scouring for something artificial.


So I (selfishly) can have some inspiration for a change next week, what is something small you're working on this week or have had success in?

Cracking in two...

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis

This weekend, I had originally planned on running a local 7K (The Runnin' O' The Green).  I ran it last year - even though it ended in snow and Joe was in bed, warm and cuddly.  But this year?  I didn't sign up; I just cuddled.

I couldn't run 7K straight if I tried.

But the worst thing?  I didn't.  Try that is.

On May 1st, I'm already signed up for a 5 mile run, the Cherry Creek Sneak.  I did it last year and it was a bunch of fun.  Well, maybe not fun, I mean afterall, it was difficult.

Anyway, on January 3rd of this year, I registered for this year's Cherry Creek Sneak.  Know what that means?  Yes, that's right - I have about 6 weeks to get in shape and be able to run 5 miles. 

I'm up for the challenge.  I can add 1 mile per week and then work on my speed for that distance throughout the week.

Somehow, having a tangible goal to work towards helps me out.

What's more, this change in me - to be healthier in my mind, body, and spirit may not be discernible from day to day...but over the course of a longer time period, the change is undeniable.

The art of actually trying...

Alright, I'm coming clean.  I'm REALLY unhappy with my body these days.

As in, I've gained weight AND inches and I'm really unhappy with how I look in the mirror and reflections of store front windows.  My skin feels almost as tight as the clothes I'm wearing.

What's more, with this new job (!) that I'm taking on, I need to buy dress clothes for every day wear (I currently wear jeans and a nicer top) and that means that I have to go to Lane Bryant or the likes for my clothes needs.  Because dress pants at the Gap (which top out at 16) no longer fit.

Awesome.

I've found myself thinking about going all protein, no carb because I know I drop weight quickly on that.  I've wondered about doing Medifast (since Lyn has had so much success).  I've even thought a lot of a lot about going back to Weight Watchers - since I lost 56 pounds doing their old program. 

But then I realized that I'm not even TRYING to do intuitive eating any more.  I'm just eating.  I'm not planning, not thinking, not trying to cut some calories, and I'm eating when I'm not hungry.  Uhhh...so basically, I'm not doing anything about my eating.

So while I may actually try WW again (since the new PointsPlus actually sounds like it encompasses intuitive eating guidelines more than ever), I'm not going to do that now.

I figure if I'm even thinking about paying $10 per week for a program, I should first take a look at what I'm eating/drinking and why.  First, I should actually TRY the lifestyle that I want to be successful at.

So I'm promising myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to stop when I'm no longer hungry.  No points, no judgement on what I'm eating.  Just that - eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied.  For at least a week.  And next Tuesday, if I'm still gaining weight like a champ, I can re-evaluate from there.

When I actually DO mindful eating, I lose weight.  When I listen to my body's signals of hunger and satiety, I choose foods that are good to me, not just because they're lower in points, calories, or carbs.

I'm coming to the realization that I may need the structure of a standardized program for now.  And I'm vowing to have a firm plan by the end of this month - whether to continue what I'm doing or to do a different plan.

But for this week, I'm going to work hard at practicing intuitive/mindful eating.  I know it can work...just like I know WW can work.  I just need to actually DO the work.

Things that are going to help me? 

1. I've been taking pictures of my food before I eat/drink it.  That gives me a chance to stop and ask myself how hungry I actually am before ingesting it. 

2.  I'm going to stop my eating or drinking at 1/4, 1/2, and 3/4 of the way through to ask myself if I'm still hungry or not.  This morning, I woke up with a starving tummy.  So I made a smoothie with protein powder, spinach, and milk.  I only drank about a third of it - because what I had eaten/drank was enough to make me feel satisfied.  Even though I hate wasting things, I figured it'll go to my waist if I drink it all...so I might as well waste it.

3.  I'm going to brush my teeth after each meal.  I'm realizing that I'm snacking when not hungry because it's there or because I can.  But eating with freshly brushed teeth tastes kind of nasty.  Brushing my teeth will help me be mindful of if I'm really hungry or not.  Because if I am, I'll forgo the bad taste to get some fuel.  If I'm eating just to eat, I'm finding that I don't eat because I know I won't like the taste.

4.  More water.  I know I'm only getting in about a liter of water a day.  For someone that used to drink almost a gallon, this is quite a drop off.  I feel better when I drink more water - and I realize that sometimes I'm not actually hungry, I'm thirsty.  This will help me differentiate between the two.

And that's it.  This week, I'm promising to be more mindful about what I put in my body. 

I owe it to myself.

Starting weight?  Let's just say it's higher than where I've been for almost 2 years.  UGH.

I'm dating Jillian

This morning, I had a horrible thing happen...

My jeans ripped.  At work.  Where I didn't have more jeans or pants.

Know what I did have?  A fleece jacket (pretty much part of the required uniform in Colorado).  So I quickly tied it around my waist and went into my boss' office.  I started to say that I had an emergency and that I needed to take an hour off.  But instead I told him the truth - which was basically that I had an emergency and needed to leave for an hour).  He was understanding and I went home to change.

They didn't split in my thigh area, but rather in the butt.  And after I took them off at home I still didn't see a stress part where it stemmed from.  It's not like these were especially threadbare, so I'm not sure what happened.  These jeans weren't tight on me (no shoehorn needed to get into them!), but they weren't baggy either so I really am stumped.

Know what I do know?  I need to buy more jeans.  And I REALLY hate that idea since I already have TWO new pairs of jeans in the closet that I can't fit into.

(sigh)

This actually is good though.  Because after losing two pounds this past week (YAY!) I decided that even though I want to continue to pay attention to my food, what I really need/want is to move more.  And I know myself well enough that I need to have a goal or I get lazy about exercising.

I actually have two goals.  But the first involves a certain little lady who yells.

That's right, folks.  I'm taking the 30 Day Shred Challenge. 

I promise (to myself mostly...but putting this out there means that I'm more likely to not squelch on the promise) to sweat with Jillian for the next 30 days, starting today.

I've done the shred before - and even done it consistently.  But 30 days in a row?  Not so much.

I know that Jams and Debbie did it.  So I know it's possible.  AND I know that my body will love being able to do something positive.  My mind will love being able to accomplish a goal - one that isn't tied to a certain number of calories eaten or pounds lost.

Joe knows about my goal and he promised to be in another room while I'm doing it if he's at home.  AND a good friend from college is coming to visit me on the 18th of next month...so I'll have completed this and won't have to worry about the conflict of a guest.

I know I'll regret writing this tomorrow...but I'm kind of excited about spending this much time with Jillian.

What about you - any short term goals you have that you're willing to share?

Scouring old wounds

While I was out on sick leave, I watched a lot of television.

Scratch that, I watched a WHOLE BUNCH of a lot of television.

There were two shows that really stood out to me and they were both Oprah shows.

The first was of Portia De Rossi's interview circuit - right at the beginning of November.  She has a new book out, Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain and it's all about her struggle with her weight. 

She doesn't have the same weight problems I do (in that she was anorexic whereas I just binged), but we have something in common: we both used to hate our bodies and we both used food as an attempt to control our lives.

I found myself glued to the TV when she was speaking about her issues.  Because I swear, I could've been saying the same thing.

"It's not the weight gain from the six ounces of yogurt that worries me.  It's the loss of self-control.  It's the fear that maybe I've lost it for good. [...] It crosses my mind to vocalize my thoughts of self-loathing. [...] You're nothing.  You're average.  You're an ordinary average, fat piece of sh!t.  You have no self control. [...] As I reach the bathroom and wipe away the last of my tears, I'm alarmed by the silence; The Voice has stopped.  When it's quiet in my head like this, that's when The Voice doesn't need to tell me how pathetic I am.  I know it in the deepest part of me.  When it's quiet like this, that's when I truly hate myself." (capitalization of The Voice, mine)

A year ago, I believed the words above more often than not.  Being a survivor of molestation by a close family member will do that to you, I suppose. 

Every family is a system.  It's own rules and ways of dealing with things.  My family dealt with the "big issues" by ignoring them.  Smoothing over the rough spots, behaving as if nothing happened that was horrible, disgusting, and traumatizing.  My dad was an officer in the Army and my mom did her best interpretation of what an officer's wife should do.  Look great, be obedient, and toe the line.  We followed suit.  Never raise your voice in public.  Always smile.  Give someone else the right of way.  Turn the other cheek.  Be gracious.  Listen to others, don't speak out.  Be a perfect little lady.

When my dad's eyes clearly roved to his interns, my mom looked the other way.  When my father lashed out to my mom in verbally unkind ways, we all silently went to our rooms as if to pretend it didn't happen.  When someone had a bad day, we all vowed to try to make it better in ways that only co-dependents can do.  Don't TALK about the bad day, just do what you can to make it better.

And when I was molested, I held the secret deep in me.  My mom let my dad treat her poorly and she didn't stand up for herself - why would I trust her with the secret?  She wouldn't have made it stop; in my mind, she couldn't have made it stop.  Why would I tell my dad?  He was frustrated with me just being a kid - he volunteered to be on call at the hospital so that he wouldn't have to be at home.  His dislike for us was read loud and clear.  Best to keep it to myself.  To not bother someone with it.

The problem with living in a family system of secrets and unsaid things is that it's like a deep wound.  Something cuts horribly; it hurts deeply.  And if you don't clean the wound of all the debris, dead tissue, and unclean things, it just festers.  It gets infected.  It gets hot to the touch; unbearably sensitive.  You can wear clothing to cover it and you can try to dress up other parts of your body to detract attention from it, but the truth is still there - festering, uncomfortable, painful to think about, and very, very real.

So 2010 was my year to remove the clothing, to take away the dressings, and to strip the rest of my wardrobe of the tricks I used to attract the eye away from my wound.  I stopped being the class clown at work and with people.  I stopped being the loudest in the room and started really listening.  I stopped needing to be right.   I stopped watching out for everyone else at my own expense.  I stopped being the co-dependent sister.  I started having healthy boundaries.  I started showing myself some self-respect.  I started to love both the me that didn't deserve to be touched 25 years ago and the me that gained weight to 280 pounds.

And at Christmas, I spoke with my abuser and told her what her actions did to me.  I told her how it made me hate myself all these years.  I told her how it's not a matter of forgiveness of the actions that she did - I forgive her of that.  It's coming to terms with The Voice that has told me that I'm worthless all these years. 

In January of 2010, I wanted to be healthier in my mind, body, and spirit.  How'd I do? 

Well, I'm 8 pounds heavier.  I'm sure I couldn't run a mile if I needed to as I haven't run one in 3 months.  I'm weaker.  I've lost muscle tone.  My abdomen is bigger.  I worked hard the previous year to lose 55 pounds - and here I am having lost just a bit over 40.

But my spirit?  It's lighter by far.  I've battled with some serious demons this past year and I'm still alive and kicking. 

My mind?  It's stronger than it's ever been.  Because there is something missing.  The Voice.  A year ago, I heard the voice daily if not multiple times during the day.  It had been my constant companion for years, such that I had tuned out what it was saying - keeping only the bad feelings around that it always brought with it.  But when I actually listened to it back in August, I realized that it's just an old record that is no longer relevant.  Slowly but surely, The Voice is gone. I'm not sure when I heard it last, but I sure don't miss it.

In fact, I was looking at some pictures from Christmas just now and saw a few that (ahem) aren't as flattering of me as others are.  My first thought wasn't of me being disgusting and unworthy of love (as it always has been) but rather of a renewal of my resolution to get in better shape.  I used to only notice the muffin tops over jeans, but now I notice the sparkle in my eyes and the sheen to my hair.  I can finally say that I am pretty.

This past year, I've cleaned out some wounds - ones that have been paining me for decades.  It hasn't been fun.  It hasn't felt good.  But it was the right and healthy thing to do. 

Right now, my wounds are in the process of healing over, of scabbing.  Ultimately, there will always be a scar there; I won't ever forget what happened.  But I don't have to live in fear of someone discovering it either.  I don't have to cover them up and I don't have to try to avert someone's eyes from it. 

For 2011, my goals are simple.  I want to be healthier in mind, body, and spirit.  In 2010, I chased away demons and scoured my wounds.  In 2011, I want to let the wounds heal and I want to honor myself.

The Voice has always told me that I couldn't lose all the weight.  The Voice has always told me that being thin meant being sexier and that meant that harm would come.  Being thin was desirable, but it wasn't safe.  But since The Voice is no longer present, it doesn't have a say.

This year?  It's my year to reach my healthiest weight.  

My fibroid is gone.

I'm healed.  I'm whole.  I'm healthy.

It's time to start acting like it.

Fabulous fifteen

It's been a while since I've reached for something that felt a little scary.

Last week, I decided to enroll in the Hot 100 Day Challenge hosted by South Beach Steve.  Note: it's not too late to join in!!  It's a 100 day challenge that started on Thursday and goes until the end of 2010.

So far?  I'm totally on track.  I've washed my face each night and have even remembered to take my daily vitamin.  I've also been building up my speed/distance for a 10K. 

It feels good to do good things for myself.

BUT Big Clyde stated that he needed something that was more short term and less...well...far off.

I completely agreed.

His challenge?  To decide on a number that we would run, bike, hike, whatever over the weekend.

Decide on that number and then DO it.

HIS weekend started on Friday and ended last night.

Like any good partier knows, the weekend TECHNICALLY consists of Friday night until Monday morning when you have to go to work.  So that's when MY weekend was.

I claimed the number 15 - through cycling and biking.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I DID IT! :)

Running Saturday evening on the treadmill at our workout room:

Biking Saturday after the run:

 Running outside (and OH did that feel good!) this morning:

 and biking at the workout room afterwards...

TADA!

That's a total of 15.35 miles.

YIPPEE!

It felt really good to be a part of a short term goal group - and since I knew that Big Clyde was going to persevere, I wanted to do my part too.

It feels good - to set a goal that is a bit scary but doable - and to achieve it.  Plus, I found that cycling after running actually makes my knees feel better...so I might add a few miles at the end of each run anyway.

At the risk of sounding like a song on The Biggest Loser, what did you do this weekend that made you feel proud?

And, if you haven't already done so, it's not too late to enter into the Laughing Cow sweeps for this month.  One lucky commenter wins $150 on a VISA card to spend on whatever they want.  There have been SO FEW people commenting that BOTH of the previous months' winners have been followers of this blog.  With the holidays coming up, who couldn't use $150?  You can enter by writing anything funny in the comments section on my review blog.  If you want more entries, you can tweet about it, blog about it on your page, or just visit the other funny reviewers and enter their contests too.  It's so frickin' easy!  WAY easier than 15 miles of exercise.

One hundred chances

First, thank you for all of your kind words yesterday.  I was lucky - and already had an appointment scheduled with my therapist.  We talked about how to handle this situation and then did some EMDR around the feelings of frustration, sadness, and resentment that I have towards him.  Are we done?  No way.  But I have hope that it will get better.  AND I have a plan on how to deal with this particular situation.

So thank you - thank you - thank you.  I'm going to make a concerted effort to get back to each person who posted yesterday - by either emailing you directly (if you have your email set up) or by visiting your blog.  If you don't have either of those, I can't comment back...but please know how much your emails meant to me.  I'm so lucky.  And I was reminded of how priviledged I am to have YOU as one of the people who support and motivate me each time an email came in.  It was like a parade of supporters.  I can't thank you enough.

Okay, so you might have seen around the blogosphere that there is a 100 Day Challenge hosted by South Beach Steve. 

I have decided to join in.

Basically, from tomorrow, there are only 100 days left in 2010.

Did that hit you upside the head as it did me?

I haven't done all that I set out to at the beginning of the year...and I really want to make some healthy behaviors actual habits.

So here it goes...for the next 100 days I will:

1) Wash my face each night before I go to bed.  I know...some of you are recoiling in disgust.  But I'm that girl.  The girl that sometimes doesn't wash her face.  THE HORROR!  I'll brush my teeth and take my meds, but washing my face seems like SO. MUCH. WORK sometimes.  So I'm vowing to do that for the next 100 days.
2) Take a daily vitamin every day.  No excuses.
3) Run a 10K.
4) Read one food or relationship with food book each month.
5) Get into a new "decade" of weight that I haven't seen in almost a decade by December 31st.  I haven't weighed myself in the last few days, but I'm pretty sure that means dropping 15 pounds.
6) Continue to go to therapy.
7) Continue to practice being gentle with myself.

Each of those goals are how I can be better at being healthier - mind, body, and spirit. 

I have 100 chances to live a better life in 2011 than I do now.  I have 100 chances to make better choices, to build on my success.  I have 100 days to make habits that will help me the rest of my life.

Who's with me? 

What are you going to do the next 100 days to end 2010 on a great note and START 2011 in the best way?

Egg on fire...

I mentioned yesterday that my younger sister flew in town with her fiance'.

Typically (but maybe not always) this means that they have the intention to actually MARRY each other.

Which means there will be a wedding.

I found out this weekend that she wants me to wear a pale yellow bridesmaid dress...one that I could wear again if I wanted to.  She assured me it would be very pretty.

Can I just stop here and say that in no way shape or form is ANYONE going to wear a bridesmaid's dress to any other function?  I've been a bridesmaid or a maid of honor 8 times now.  I've only worn ONE of the dresses again...and that was for a rugby competition where we needed to wear ugly bridesmaid dresses on the field before playing a game where they would get shredded.  Somehow I don't think that's what the bride meant.

Wait.  Joella, Rachel, and Kelly - if you're reading this...of course I'm not talking about YOUR bridesmaid dress.  I'm talking about someone else's.  Someone else's that doesn't read this blog.

My point is, if you're a bride, just figure that no one will wear whatever you've picked out again.  It could be a really pretty dress (and some have been!)...but it probably doesn't look like a formal.  Or a cocktail dress...so the chance that someone else would wear it again to any "real" event is silly.  They look like bridesmaid dresses...and no one really wears those again - even if you are in Kathrine Heigl's wedding at some point (27 Dresses anyone?  Bueller?).

Here's the thing though, I've always been happy to wear whatever the bride wanted...and if that was some random dress, then so be it.  I did it because I loved the person I was standing in for...and I did it happily.

So back to my pale yellow monstrosity.

Know what I don't want to look like standing next to her?  An Easter egg on fire.  And with my red hair that's probably what I would look like at my current weight.

So I'm determined to look as good as anyone CAN look in a yellow bridesmaid dress made of taffeta and satin.  UGH.

I've got 8 months, people.  Eight months to even out my farmer's tan, to slim down some more, and to tone up these bat wings where people have upper arms. 

It's a challenge, but I'm up for it.

Willingness made simple

Confession time:  I am not doing so well in this whole weight loss thing.

My clothes still FIT, they just don't fit the same way...and it's a constant reminder that I am failing at this.  "This" should be easy.  My plan is just listen to your body, eat when you're hungry, stop before you're full.  I eat plenty of "good" foods - fruits, veggies, protein, and complex carbs.  I don't eat many processed foods...so why am I ballooning like there is no tomorrow?

Oh yeah...it's because I'm eating when I'm not hungry and continuing to eat when I'm full.

It's the small things, right?

So today, I visited Crys' blog - and saw this quote at the top of the screen:

What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it is another matter. -Peter Drucker


Did it smack anyone else upside the head as it did me?

The whole mindful eating plan is simple - SO simple.  And yet, I'm just not doing it.  Why?  Well, I could say that I'm feeding other things, that I'm scared of shedding this fat suit sometimes, or that I'm being stubborn. I could say that since I lost my dog 6 weeks ago, I don't feel like I can regain my footing.  Those would all be true.

But the harsh truth is that I'm not doing it.  My actions indicate that I'm not willing to DO the work that comes with my plan.  Namely, I'm not pausing and following the guidelines that I've chosen to follow.

So I'm committing to you - readers that have been with me for a while and those that are new - I *WILL* follow the guidelines this week. 

This?  This post marks a changing moment in my life.  Seeing my WIDTH reasons yesterday helped me realize again just why I am doing this.  Being unhealthy only hurts me.  And it DOES hurt - my joints, my pride, my self esteem, and my body.  Sitting around feeling sad that I don't have my dog anymore won't bring her back.  I'm being self-indulgent and eating anything that might make me feel better.

I've got to be willing to change.
 
I've got to be willing to stand up for myself and say I don't want to hurt anymore...so I have to be willing to actually LISTEN to myself.
 
I AM worth something...and so are you.
 
I'm not going to give up - so please don't give up either.  We are in this together and I know that we can succeed together.
 
I've accomplished a lot in my life, I've persevered through many tough things. Listening to my body's cues to eat, stop eating, to move, and to stop moving should be easy.


So it's about time I get off my duff and do it.  Are you with me?

Keep Scootching...

This morning I had my annual "Keep scootching to the end of the table even though you feel like you're going to fall off any second now" appointment. As per usual, she didn't even buy me a drink first.

My OBGYN has lost 58 pounds since the last time I had seen her and she looks FABULOUS. When I commented on that, she said that I was a motivating factor in her life. She said that when I came in last year, she was so impressed by my weight loss that she had decided to lose hers too. She is now five pounds from her goal weight - I couldn't be more proud of her.

I, on the other hand, am another story.

We looked up my weight in the charts...and from 2008 to 2009, I had lost 59 pounds. From 2009 to 2010, I had gained 12. To be fair, last year, I was wearing a flowy skirt and top - because I wanted to be my absolute lightest. This year, I weighed in jeans, a heavy top, and shoes. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I am still up in weight from last year, but I'm not going to cry over it.

The truth is, I'm probably up about 5-7 pounds from last year. And while that's not horrible, it's also a slippery slope. 5-7 pounds year after year means a lot more weight to bear. And that is unacceptable to me.

In fact, it was a motivating factor to me to see her and to realize that by my appointment next year, I really do want to be at a healthy weight. I want to be another 40 pounds down.

They say that in order for goals to be truly effective, they need to be measurable, attainable, and contain a deadline.

So now, other than a semi-used paper gown, that's about all I have. Motivation to be healthier and a deadline by which to do it.

I'm on it.

Trust Thyself

I know there have already been 10 Commandments given to the masses to live by.

But I think I'd like to add one:

Trust Thyself.

How many times do we have a plan, announce it to our families, our readers, or even just ourselves and then get told that that plan will never work? That we're concentrating too much on X when we should really be thinking about Y. Like, you're eating too many calories or you're not eating enough calories. You shouldn't be thinking about carbs, but about fat grams instead.

I don't know what's going around the blog-o-sphere, but from reading lots and lots of blogs, it seems like there are a lot of people who are simply not trusting themselves.

If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? When you doubt your own course of action, it's my belief that you're actually doubting you. Do it often enough and you'll end up doubting yourself at every turn. Or at least, that's what has happened to me in my life.

Here's what I know for sure: YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY.

At the end of the day, commenters are usually random people over the world who don't know you. They don't know what it's like to be you. So, their opinion shouldn't count more than yours. I know...we all mean well (I've definitely dished out my share of advice in comments whether it was asked for or not). But really? Who would know what is good for you more than YOU do?

I challenge you to look inside yourself and ask yourself these three questions:

1) Do you honestly want to have a healthier lifestyle?
There are times in my life when I knew that I should have a healthier lifestyle, but when I was honest with myself I knew that that's not what I wanted right then. It does no good to continually recommit yourself to something when you have already internally decided that the benefits of being heavier/unhealthier outweigh the possibility of being healthy. If you don't REALLY want to change, all you're going to do is beat yourself up week after week, weigh in after weigh in when you don't achieve whatever goal you proclaimed you would. Who wants to live their life like that? Your life is worth more than that. YOU are worth more than that, no matter what your weight.

2) Do you have an idea of what has worked for you in the past?
Maybe what worked is weekly weigh ins at a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Why did that work? Was it the support? Was it the accountability? Was it the money investment?
Maybe what worked was counting calories, fat grams, protein grams, or carbs. Why did that work? Because you felt great? Because you felt in control? Because you liked to track something?
Maybe you work best with just measuring everything you eat...you want to eat the same stuff, just less than what you have been eating. Why did that work? Because you didn't feel deprived? Because you felt in control? Because that fit better with your traveling lifestyle?

Whatever those reasons are, write them down and then try to plan something that incorporates those base reasons for success. For instance, if you know you like to have something where you have a weekly weigh in, there are many ways and programs that do that - ranging from free to pretty pricey. If you know that you feel better with a restrictive diet type situation, look for a plan that restricts things in a healthy way. Sketch out what that plan would be for YOU.

3) Look at your plan and ask yourself if it's doable for you right now...is it?
If not, tweak it until it is. You may know that you felt your best when you were running 10 miles a day...but can you do that now? If not, work your way up to that goal. If it feels like too much, it is a-okay to back down and do something that you can and will succeed with.

Maybe you feel like you did your best when you cooked every meal for yourself...but now that you're married and traveling all the time, it just isn't possible. Can you bring a cooler to each city to have your own food? Can you limit your food to certain restaurants? Can you stay at a place where you have access to a kitchenette? Can you take your clients out for drinks or ball games instead of dinners?

In the end, if you have a plan that works for you and is healthy, who cares what anyone else thinks, feels, or says? I'm not saying you should go out and do something absolutely crazy that no doctor would recommend. Be healthy. You're worth that too.

But as you blog (or read others blogs) and you see that someone else is doing something that is different than your approach, remember that you already went through an internal journey to help you decide the right thing for you. Remember that YOU know what is best for you. Remember that what you are experiencing or have experienced is valid, even if no one else seems to share your point of view.

Your opinion and thoughts are gifts - ones that are given to you to help decide what is right for you...just as you decide what color your hair should be or what shoes are most comfortable. You get to choose.

And if, by doing all of this, you reach a plateau eventually, it's okay to re-evaluate then too.

I guess what I'm saying is this: It's okay to change your mind.

Believe that you are trustworthy. KNOW that you are trustworthy. And you know what? I bet you'll start behaving like you're trustworthy.

I love this quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

You don't have to live in fear of what others will say, write, or think about you or your journey to get healthier. You don't have to listen to what everyone else says is right.

Listen to yourself.
Learn from past experiences.
Trust yourself.

and if you can, love yourself.

I promise you, you're worth it.

You may stumble, you may fall. But if what you're learning to do is to trust yourself to take care of YOU, you will get back up.

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

In my therapist's office, there is a framed poster that I keep re-reading.

The title of the poster is "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" and it's a poem by Portia Nelson.

Here it is:

Chapter 1.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5.

I walk down another street.

I LOVE this poem.

It sums up so many learning and life experiences that I've had. And for me, I think it's especially true about my relationship to (and with) food.

For 30 years, I lived in Chapter 1. I ate and overate for decades of my life. If you had asked me why I ate the way I did, I wouldn't really have an answer for you - or at least not a "good" one. I ate because it's what I always knew. I ate because it felt good - at least until it didn't. I was helpless. I was lost. I was miserable. My binges would last for weeks or even months. I gained weight like a champ and it took a long time to turn that train around to where I could start losing the weight. But even then, my relationship with food was a strict one - full of rules and conditions that were never able to last - or at least not for long. Not only did I not know what the solution was, I didn't even know what the problem was!

For most of the last two years, I've spent a lot of my time in Chapter 2. Sometimes I saw the hole and tried to ignore it anyway. I think that I had an inkling that food wouldn't help any situation, but I ate as if it did. I ate more (and faster) than I had before - hoping that I could trick it into working. But inevitably, I'd find myself in that hole - be it a sugar fog, a place where I despised myself, or a place where I cursed everything that MADE me that way. My binges were shorter, but the time between the binge episodes was pretty short too.

Eventually, Chapter 3 became more of the norm. Sure, I'd slip up every now and again when it came to food, but I recognized the feelings (and boy was that a process all of it's own) that led up to the food over-consumption. In fact, today I caught myself eating a handful of Hershey Kisses and literally thought "Wait. WHAT are you doing?" I wasn't even aware that I was in the "hole" at first...but as soon as I did, I realized that I was the one that was choosing to eat them. I put the rest of the foil-covered bites of goodness in a community bowl for others to eat. I am learning. I'm getting out of these "holes" faster now. I don't overeat often and gone are the days of eating bags and bags of potato chips and candies in one sitting.

Every now and again, I realize that I'm spending more time in Chapter 4. Maybe my weight doesn't reflect this change as much as it could, but I'm telling you...my relationship with food has gotten much healthier. I've been able to look at an opportunity to overeat and stuff myself and have been able to ask myself if that's really what I want to do. I've been able to recognize that the hole looks like home. It looks like it could be comforting and it sure looks like it would be safe. But I choose to walk around it anyway. I choose to find my safety in ways other than food. Sometimes I figure out the points/calories that that hole represents and decide to eat something different. I'm able to navigate around the hole with much more ease now. I'm able to use various tricks of the trade to avoid it.

With where I'm at now, there is no going back to Chapter 1. In fact, there is no going back to Chapter 2. I'm looking forward to spending most of my time in Chapter 4. I'm looking forward to living more in an awake and aware state - one where I'm conscious and mindful of my choices.

But, oh - to walk down a different street entirely? To become a person that just IS intuitive when it comes to eating?

Why that'd be divine.

My goal is starting to shift from being a certain number on the scale. My goal is to literally become a different person entirely when it comes to food - and have a body that reflects that. My goal is love myself enough to choose a different street/way of being.

My goal is to be on a different street altogether. It doesn't mean that I forget all about the holes. I still plan on being mindful of the triggers that I used to have. And it doesn't mean that I forget all the ways I got out of the holes. I'm not going to forget about points values or healthy eating guidelines.

It just means that I won't live my life in fear of them.

Picture this...

This summer marks seven years since I've been in Denver.

To even write that seems impossible - mostly because it means that I'm older than I remember I am. See, a large part of me still feels like I just graduated from college. And oh my gosh, I just had a vision of myself, at 18, rolling my eyes at the old fogies who were in their 30s thinking that they were still young.

All I'm saying is I *feel* young.

Anyway, 7 years ago, I smartly decided to get a Colorado drivers license. I couldn't wait to get rid of my Oklahoma drivers license and somehow getting a Colorado one made me feel more...well...Colorado-y.

Anyway, one day that I was wearing a suit, I decided to pop in to the DMV and get a new one. I stepped up, got my picture taken, and gave the guy all of my pertinent information.

That was almost 7 years ago. I've been living at my new address for over two years and I still haven't gotten a new one.

The thing is, I want a new drivers license. The picture from that day is one of the worst pictures of me. The address is wrong and I always worry when I get pulled over (which, admittedly has only been once since I moved) that they'll throw me in jail for not having an updated one. Also, my hair is now red - and the hair God gave me is blonde. So in that picture, I have blonde hair (which looks sort of greasy in it) and everytime I go through the airport, one of the TSA agents will usually comment on how much prettier it is now versus then.

So why don't I just go out and get a new one already?

I want the number that I tell the DMV guy for my weight to actually *be* my weight. And until that happens, I'm unwilling to get a new one - even though it's unlawful to wait.

I want to be able to proudly hand over my license and know that all information on there is true, not just my address. I want it so badly, I can taste it. And every time I have to pull out my license and see the old address and the old me, I get motivated all over again.

I just wanna' be normal

I read Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit's post about how he finally got to be "normal" according to his Wii Fit.

And it was so inspiring.

Pretty much all of my adult life, I've been considered obese by BMI standards. Now, I am a tall girl so I'm not altogether certain that the BMI should be the end all be all of measurements...but I honor that most health experts feel that it is a good measurement. The range (at least for my height) is 43 pounds. And to be honest, it seems like most people (at my height) should be able to fit in that range. It's how Weight Watchers sets it's goals and in lieu of other hard calculations, it seems to be pretty workable.

I have lots of goals - some number related and some not.

I'm looking forward to the day of when my boyfriend asks if I am cold and if I'd like to borrow a jacket, sweater, or sweatshirt from him, I can say "yes" and know that it will fit.

I can't wait until I'm able to mark "M" for my t-shirt size for races.

I can't wait until I'm able to look at my closet and KNOW that any one of those pieces of clothing will fit because my weight doesn't fluctuate by complete sizes on a regular basis.

I can't wait until I get to buy nice things and know that they will be around for years because I'm committed to staying the size I am.

I can't wait to get under 200 pounds (I'm close!).

I can't wait to get to the lowest weight I've been as an adult (182).

But I really can't wait until I get to my goal weight and am finally considered "normal."



P.S. I am aware that I am pittifully low on graphics in posts. So today I wanted to find some image that screamed "normal" to me. So I decided to go to google.com and search the images section for "normal." And WOW. Apparently "normal" means show me women's body parts. I'm still a little shocked.