Epilogue *Guest Post*

I'm not going to lie to you. I've been dreading today. Not because it's the last guest post. If I know me, you know I'm probably ready to get back to blogging.

But because today means that Krissie from questionsfordessert is not posting any more.

Sure, she now has a different outlet, but it's not the same.  I suppose that's the point.

When I started blogging a few years back, I found Krissie's blog through Fat Bridesmaid's blog (someone who I did not have the courage to ask to guest post. I'll explore that at a later time I guess). But I found Krissie's and I really loved it. First, she's a great writer. But she tells it like it is and explains how she feels - whether I've agreed with it or not.

She's a strong woman who has had a few blows thrown her way. She ducks, she swerves, but she perseveres.

I know this sounds creepy, but Krissie is one of those bloggers that when you read her words, you think "I could be friends with that person." And a part of me knows that this is so.

Maybe that's why I'm so bummed to see her go from the blog-o-sphere. I feel like I'm losing a buddy - someone who gets the wonder when looking at themself and realizing that they are a RUNNER! I'll never listen to Outkast's "Hey Ya" without thinking of her shaking it on a race course.

Krissie - you will be missed. And I hope you find a way to stay in contact with those of us whose lives your words have touched.

I know I should end this preface. But I don't want to. I feel like I've got a neighborhood friend that's getting ready to move out of our block. The car is running in the driveway. And after I get done embracing her, she'll be on her way.

Is it any wonder I don't want to release the hug?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my first career, I was a therapist. I used to work in settings with graduations. Inpatient substance abuse treatment. A home for teenage moms. An after school program with little kids. Where goals were set, goals were met, and clients were given teary and encouraging graduation ceremonies. And then the cute little client went out into the world, spread her wings, and lived her life.

I feel like that’s where I am.

I’ve been blogging for a long time. I dabbled in a few successful pounds lost here and there over the first few years. But I never really made a solid commitment.

But then everything changed. My grandfather was battling cancer. It did not take him quickly or peacefully. As I felt my emotions spinning out of control, I somehow made the connection to how my body had felt for years. I felt out of control in all areas of my health. I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t moving, and I was terribly unhappy. I remember sitting in the bedroom I grew up in – on Thanksgiving 2008 – and making a promise to myself. I told myself that as soon as my life was back in anything that resembled normalcy, I was getting my health together. I made that commitment. I recognized that beginning a new lifestyle within that season of my life was setting myself up for failure. So I planned.

And I did it.

I was very focused for a year. I counted calories. I fell in love with running. We ran a half-marathon. I hit my stride. I finally moved out of obese and into overweight. I felt like the me I always wanted to be. And I blogged through it all. I wrote about the emotional toll of being overweight. About changing my self-talk. 98% of my processing along this journey? I blogged about it. The triumphs. The struggles. Almost daily. I put it all out there for everybody to see, hoping that someone would be encouraged and empowered.

But then everything changed again.

I learned a few weeks later that within the week of the half marathon, we got pregnant. After years of thinking it wasn’t a possibility. And shortly after I figured out that pregnancy was the reason for all my bizarre symptoms, suddenly we weren’t pregnant anymore.

The miscarriage changed my life. Totally changed my perspective on everything. It was a horrible thing to blog through, but I did. I have several unpublished posts – that remained unpublished because I don’t want the people that love me to know just how much pain I was in – but I hashed out most of my emotions there.

And I am incredibly proud of that. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back and read the posts from this summer. But they’re there.

This summer, I gained back 20 pounds. And I understood why. But I didn’t understand how to pull myself out of that. I thought that when I started feeling better, I’d be able to make better choices. When my emotions stabilized, I’d get back on the healthy train. Like I had when my grandfather died. But it just wasn’t happening.

But one night, putting dishes in the dishwasher, I decided I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to say terrible things about myself anymore. The miscarriage was not my fault. I decided to be proactive. I was taking charge of my life. I was going to fix me.

The very next day, my thankful project was born.

I feel like my thankful blog is a tribute to my baby. I’m finally letting go of all the horrible feelings I had all wrapped up with her. I’m choosing to feel thankful. Not shame over not being able to keep her. Not doubt in my body’s ability to do what it was made to do. Not embarrassment over gaining some weight back. That’s not what Gnomie means to me. Gnomie made me thankful.

I recently decided to stop blogging on questionsfordessert. I feel like it was time. I want to spend more time with people. I want to make phone calls and write letters and bake. I want to think about something other than me. I want to live without being so focused on what I am doing and feeling. I’m not letting go of my health. Not at all. I’m just approaching it in a different, less dissected way.

I’m learning to love myself for what I am instead of what I hope to be one day. I want to enjoy running and food because I naturally love them, not because I think they will help me shrink. I want to be more present in my life and less focused on recording it and trying to figure everything out. And I want what I do document to have a different focus. I want to keep track of the good, the happy, the joyful. And that’s what my thankful blog is helping me do.

The decision to stop blogging was a very difficult one. The blogging community has been very good to me. But, as a dear friend said in my comments, I’m not leaving. I’m just moving. I cannot express enough gratitude to my blog friends. The support, the tears, the hugs, the prayers. They were all felt. I wrapped myself up in them.

I’m not leaving.

I turn 33 next month. My husband and I are running 2 half-marathons, one on each of the weekends surrounding my birthday. I’m excited for where my life is going, even though I have no idea where that is.

I feel like I’m graduating from therapy. Like I’ve worked through so much crap to emerge with a clean attitude and outlook. Like my world is new and fresh laid out before me. For me to make of it whatever I wish. I wish for contentment. I wish for joy. I wish for deeper connections with the people I love. I wish for gratitude and forgiveness.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I control my life by the decisions that I make. By what I do in each minute of each day. I control my health. I control my outlook. And if I want joy, contentment, connections, gratitude, and forgiveness? Then I have to go out and make it happen.

I’m doing exactly that. One thankful picture at a time.

Five Important Things I've Learned So Far: *Guest Post*

By the time you read this, it will have been one week since I had the surgery to have a giant uterine fibroid removed. Hopefully by now I've posted something other than "I'm alive...but barely. Please send more pain meds."  As a reminder, I'll be back posting regularly this coming Monday.

Today's blogger is Debbie from "Becoming An Ex Yo-Yo Dieter." I can't remember how I found her blog - but it was months ago...when I wasn't even really considering moving from Weight Watchers into intuitive eating. I've never met Debbie - as her time is split between Russia and Florida - but I wish I could. She blogs openly about her issues with food and has the courage to delve into the "why" when she overeats. Sure, just like the rest of us she may struggle, but she always triumphs.

Since transitioning to Intuitive Eating, I've come to realize that her blog is a rare gem - one that grows, learns, grieves, and celebrates.  As they say in the south, she's my people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello there! My name is Debbie and I’m on a journey to Becoming An Ex Yo-Yo Dieter. Ms. Happy Fun Pants for asking me guest post on her blog (my first one!) while she addresses her Deficit situation. I am certainly thinking of her and sending healthy thoughts her way.

So…

In my journey to becoming an ex yo-yo dieter ( and I’m still on this journey, by the way), I have learned a few important lessons. Perhaps they only apply to me but I highly doubt it…my struggle is not unique. There are many, many other emotional eaters out there who’ve fallen into the habit of numbing themselves with food (in my case, specifically sugar and fat…donut, anyone?). If something feels uncomfortable – frustration, sadness, anxiety, loneliness - you name it, if it felt bad I wanted to stuff it all down with food. Being physically present, while being emotionally zoned-out. Autopilot. When I’ve felt that I couldn’t cope, food immediately called my name. Before I knew it, all that was left were the empty containers and crumbs…and a feeling of defeated self-disgust.

I’m working really hard to change that deeply-seated, misdirected, knee-jerk response to discomfort. It is not a quick process by any means, changing how I handle my feelings and food. I’ve had setbacks and bumpy times along the way, yet the most valuable lessons have come from those stumbles along my journey.

So, what have I learned so far?

1. Change is possible. I was never really certain if I’d ever start to escape from the grip of emotional overeating. Oh yes, I know how to diet, but to change from within, getting to the point when I don’t immediately turn to food if I feel uncomfortable? I was never really sure it was possible. Well, surprise! It is - the habit of craving food to numb out is slowly, slowly disappearing within me.

2. You can feel bad feelings and not implode/explode/go stark-raving mad. Although it’s scary, you don’t have to do anything with the feelings, but just acknowledge that you don’t feel good. That’s it. It will pass, and you will be okay without the food. Sometimes I’ll try to figure out what I really need, like a hug or to chat with someone or take a nap (!), and sometimes I don’t know what I need to feel okay. Either way, usually food is not going to solve anything except hunger.

3. Learning to not automatically reach for food requires practice. This ability starts off feeling very weak…you feel bad, trying not to binge…you might just delay the binge, but a delayed binge is still progress. The more you practice delaying eating while feeling uncomfortable feelings, the easier it gets. With time, you slowly start to develop a self-assurance that you can get through it and not eat for the wrong reasons. You really can. Practice, practice, practice… it’s like a muscle – the more you work it, the stronger it becomes.

4. You will have setbacks. You will not do everything perfectly all of the time. Setbacks create opportunities to learn something new. Changing a behavior such as this (I’ve been a yo-yo dieter for 25 years, so it really was a way of life) requires time and patience. Perseverance. Two steps forward, one step back. (Or even one step forward, four steps back.) I have a ring that has Confucius’s famous saying on it, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. I just constantly focus on that single step. Eventually, I can see that I am going in the right direction. Change is slow, but so worth it.

5. The most important lesson I’ve learned so far? When you do go off track (because you will…), no matter what has happened or how far you’ve fallen, just get right back up, and keep going forward. Don’t waste time lamenting what you’ve done wrong or how much you regained…all that matters is what you do now. When tempted to stay stuck, I’ve asked myself, “If not now, then when?” That usually jolts me back to reality that all I have is the present moment. I become what I do. It is incredibly hard to start again (I’ve lost count how many times …sometimes several times in one day!), but the sooner you pick yourself up and take a step forward, the stronger you feel. At any given moment, no matter how far and for how long you’ve been off the path, you have the opportunity to get back on. And just like trying to push and roll something really heavy, getting it going is the hardest part…after that, momentum keeps you going with less effort. Really.

In closing, it may be of value to add that I used to think I could lose the weight and then deal with the emotional issues once I was thinner. I have been at my goal weight numerous times, and was disillusioned that it doesn’t work like that. Wasn’t I supposed to be happy when I reached goal??? All I had learned was how to diet, and when things got a bit rocky, I’d dive into the food again. I never addressed WHY I was eating, only what I was eating. The “why” always seemed too elusive, too messy. I just wanted to distract myself with a diet and hope my emotional eating disappeared…it doesn’t work that way. It seems that you have to work on the feelings and why you eat while losing the weight.

No matter how much I wish it were otherwise, food and emotions have been twisted up together in my head for a long, long time. My mission is to unravel the two, so that food and feelings can take their proper, mostly separate places in my life. I truly believe that when this happens, I will finally be an ex yo-yo dieter. Feel free to come on over to my blog, Becoming An Ex Yo-Yo Dieter and watch my journey unfold!

Food is a four-letter word *Guest Post*

A few years ago, I thought that I had met the man of my dreams. It turned out that that wasn't the case. While that relationship blew, I believe that I still have the best thing out of it.

My friend, The Bariatric Babe.

I've written about my feelings about our reconnection before, but I think she's fabulous.

She writes at "Scribbling in the Margin" and she's got more talent with words in her pinky finger than I have in my whole body.  When she wrote, in January, about WHY she wanted to lose weight, I knew that I had found a kindred spirit - a person who got it. She gets obesity. She gets the shame. She gets my struggle with food and weight loss.

She's the real deal, y'all.  And she's my friend.  How'd I get so lucky?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was perusing the local hippie-granola grocery, I saw a flyer with the picture of a woman eating her granola cereal and a heading that said "Food is not the enemy." Immediately the snark in me thought, "Yea, right. And I live in the middle of the land of fairies, where unicorns fly around and fart rainbows."

Perhaps some background, since we are just getting to know one another, is in order.

I have never been thin. I was chubby in-utero, and chubby I remained until after college when the combo of stress, new jobs, and failure at relationships blew me up into the size of a small planet. An adorable, witty planet, but a planet non-the-less. I was absolutely in despair, and saw no hope to get my weight down and my life back. And being the radical chick that I am, I opted for a radical solution. Gastric bypass. And no, it's not the easy way out, but more on that later.

So anyway, I now weigh about 130 lbs. less than I did in January. And I was almost never hungry, just like they promised, for the first 6 months. Now here I am, still only 9 months out, and my hunger has definitely returned. And my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. And suddenly, the food demons are back, with a vengeance and I'm trying to find a healthy way to deal with them. So that's a brief bit of history for you...back to our regularly scheduled posting...

Food is not my friend. It never has been. One day the enemy was fat. Then carbs. Then sugar. I tried starving, I tried Optifast (i.e., medically supervised starving), I tried Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem. But anything I lost soon came back--with lots of new friends. And I've always thought that food is the enemy--that alluring cookie or piece of bread lured me into it! It's not my fault! And I'm terrified that I will "not my fault" all the way back to 350+ pounds. Heck--addicts and drunks can physically survive without having drugs or alcohol for the rest of their lives. Those of us addicted and conflicted with food have to face our enemy every single day, on every billboard, every commercial, family gathering, break table at work, etc. It's hard for anyone, including those of us that took the radical step to have our stomachs surgically shrunk. So the idea that "Food is not the enemy" is completely foreign to me, and it begs the question:

"If food isn't the enemy, then what on earth IS?" And I've come to a startling conclusion.

It's my mind that is the enemy. This wonderful piece of machinery that is enabling me to write this very post is my worst saboteur. There is the, "But I've been so good all day and deserve a treat!" and the "One bite won't matter" and the "Screw them...I'm going to eat whatever I want!" all wreaking havoc on my brain, every day. I have so many different voices in my brain telling me why I can or can't eat that it's getting a little crowded (and, frankly, there is no adult supervision up in there). My biggest struggle, my life challenge, has become taming my very own mind.

That's why I read Happy Fun Pant's blog. It's not a catalog of what she should and shouldn't eat. It's not condemning carbs, or how many miles she has to run to work off the fudgsicle she ate. It's about struggling with everything that goes on in her head, and it strangely reflects my own thoughts more often than not. Apparently, it's not just me (the narcissist in me just had a fainting spell).

So to take a page from her, I'm focusing on my own brain and my own thinking. Why is food so important to me? Why does that voice that demands another piece of french bread sound like a bratty, spoiled child? Why do I eat when I'm bored? Those are the real questions for all of us that struggle with food--surgically modified stomachs or not.

I have a new goal. Not just the one to lose another 60-70 lbs. Not just the one to be able to ride a horse, do yoga, go dancing, wear a skirt, buy clothes that fit from the Gap, meet my soul-mate. But a new one--to call a detente on food. Perhaps it isn't the enemy after all. I'm not so sure still--we are currently in negotiations and it's entirely possible that Henry Kissinger is going to be called in as a ringer--but there are high hopes.

If that intrigues you, I'd like to invite you to my own blog, where I post as the Bariatric Babe. It's often silly, and sometimes insightful, and hopefully entertaining.

Thanks, HFP, for the chance to share the stage and for sharing all your own personal struggles. We are not alone in this after all.

Perfection *Guest Post*

Today's guest blogger is Val, from Balancing Val. I found her blog recently and have really enjoyed reading about her successes while practicing Intuitive Eating.

I wanted to feature another blogger who is practicing Intuitive Eating and is proof that you don't have to be perfect to be successful. And I know what you're thinking...isn't Intuitive Eating what got you to be as fat as you are?

No. Not listening to my body's signals is what got me to be as fat as I was/am.

You can see from Val's picture below - she looks great. Her optimism is refreshing as is her drive to become a chef. Even though she's younger, she's a lot of how I want to be when I grow up.  And she's right, cheesy though it may sound, loving yourself seems to be the key to shrinking yourself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helloooo Smaller Fun Pants Readers! I am Val, the mastermind behind Balancing Val where I blog about my crazed adventures trying to find a healthy balance in my life.

Anne asked me to do a guest post while she is recovering and I hope she is doing well!

I have been battling disordered eating for many years. I was COMPLETLEY obsessed with dieting, my weight and swore that being thin would solve ALL my problems and make me PERFECT!

NOT!

I've been through the ringer and I can tell you that I am still at the very beginning of my journey and the ONLY thing that has shown me the light has been . . .

Intuitive Eating

Intuitive eating is a way in which you completely trust in the wisdom of your body and not your mind to let it tell you what to eat and when to eat it. Sounds scary huh?

I promise you . . . IT IS!

At first, it's incredibly difficult to give up the notion of dieting, to feel like you deserve carbs, to feel like you can eat at midnight, to gnaw at the feelings that have been buried but it is COMPLETELY worth it! I recommend it to ANYONE struggling with any type of disordered eating.

Of the many lessons I learned in the past few months I want to share with you the most important one . . .

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT EATER!

Yep, that's right. When you listen to your body or even listen to a diet . . . You will screw up! You will get knocked off the path, I guarantee it! But you know what?

THATS OK!

Seriously, life is not perfect and so you can expect your eating to be all the time also. It is so important to focus on not being guilty rather than how much weight you will gain.

If you are habitually over eating then stop and think of WHY? It's never about the food, I promise. Take your mistakes as lessons always and try your to be kind to yourself even in your worst moments. YOU WILL LEARN SOMETHING EVENTUALLY.

You have to want to love yourself MORE then you love the thought of losing weight. Once you start believing this and taking the steps you need to take, you will realize things are perfect NOW the way they are already. :)

I know all of this sounds scary and its not easy to achieve by any means! If anyone has any questions or would like me to guide them to some wonderful information on Intuitive Eating please feel free to drop me a comment on my blog or email me at Valerie@allstewart.com

Thank you Anne for this opportunity :)!

The fat girl's guide to the flop sweat *Guest Post*

Today's post is from my IRL friend Katy from Project - Look Good Naked. The thing is, six months ago, I didn't even know Katy...we met through our blogs. I posted about selling my house (and put up pictures of my place) and she commented that it looked like places in Denver.  I thought she was one of those crazy stalker type chicks that you read about in chain emails.  She probably felt the same.

But we met for dinner anyway.  I spilled my guts about something that was going on behind the scenes of my blog within about 5 minutes of meeting her.  Clearly, that's her fault.  She's a good listener.  And a great photographer.  But that's another story altogether. 

We've hung out a few times since (not enough as far a I'm concerned) and I was pleased to find that she is just as fantastic as she seems. She's frank, funny, bold, and yet still genuine. A rare combination, to be sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not the most socially outgoing person, but I'm also not a hermit. I play nice with others and am generally pretty interested in what others have to say. But sometimes you'd think I have a very severe case of social anxiety disorder. Why? Two words, flop sweat.

Flop Sweat: The time in which a person starts to sweat uncontrollably and must ask one simple question. Do I own it, or pretend it's not happening?

I wish it wasn't so, but unfortunately I seem to find myself in a flop sweat scenario fairly often. The worst is when you're meeting new people. Like I said, I don't believe I have any diagnosed social issues, but that doesn't mean I don't get a little nervous meeting new people. I'm not sure if I'm nervous about meeting new people, or nervous that the flop sweats are going to start.

Take for instance last month. I was going to a social gathering...ALONE. Meaning, I'd have no wing man. Strike one. The venue was indoors. Strike two. Cocktail hour...alcohol makes me hotter. Strike three. You get the point. The event was one where I'd be meeting fellow women business owners and we'd talk about ourselves and puff up our chests and try and “network.” Does the word network send chills up your spine like it does mine? I think of networking as a big giant popularity contest and let me tell you, when you grow up husky, tall, and with huge pink & purple plastic coke bottle glasses, popular isn't the word that comes to mind. Part of my brain automatically digresses back to a 10 year old, when in social networking groups and well...I can't help but just sweat it out.

So I'm at this networking group and start talking to some ladies and I feel it coming on. Tiny beads of sweat forming right at my hair line. Easily disguised, I tell myself. No one will notice...you're glowing and in fact you may look prettier! It's at this point, I tell myself to calm down because once the sweat starts, if I obsess about it, it only gets uglier. The hairline sweat starts to creep down a little bit. Not like, dripping, but you know...forming. So I'm talking and stuff trying to ignore it and praying to sweet baby jesus that no one can see it. Then I do the familiar “I have an itch” move. God I hope I'm not the only one who's done this, but you know...it's where you pretend to sort of itch your forehead to assess the damage. Am I sweating as bad as I think? Worse? This is a critical time in the flop sweat process. It's here you either decide to A) own it and just blatantly wipe the brow, B) Continue to ignore it and hope to God it stops, or C) Excuse yourself to the restroom. My modus operandi is to gingerly excuse myself to the bathroom so I can sweat/cool down in private. If all goes well, the bathroom will be a few degrees cooler and you can preform some triage on yourself. Including, but not limited to the paper towel under the armpit trick. Tried and true.

Hopefully after a few minutes in the bathroom you can return your body temperature to normal and go out and re-join your crowd and in my experience you usually have at least 30-40 minutes before it starts again. Sometimes one good sweat is all that's in me, sometimes it goes all night. Back patios and outdoor spaces can be a fat girl with a flop sweat problem's best friend. I'm just sayin'. Sometimes there's no one outside though and in these cases I say go forth and forge your own path. You'll be surprised at how many people follow suit and join you to cooler climates.

Look, flop sweat isn't cute. But sometimes it just happens. Us overweight dames and gents carry an internal space heater wherever we go so really it's just a matter of time before we're in a sticky situation. My experience has taught me to own it, not ignore it, but don't own it so much that you're wiping sweat away in front of someone else. Do it in private whenever possible and please please seek an outdoor space. Even a hot breeze in the summer is circulating air and that's better than nothing, know what I'm sayin'?

Healthy Fast Food? *Guest Post*

I'm not going to lie to you.  Even I'm a bit shocked that THE Charlie Hills is going to post on my blog today.  I started reading Charlie's blog "Back to the Fridge" THREE years ago when I started blogging.  Roni recommended him, and since at the time I thought she was the gatekeeper to all things weight loss, I checked him out.

Turns out, she was on to something.  

Charlie Hills is a wonderfully witty guy.  If you like Jack Sh*t, you'll love Charlie.  He's the only *actual* person I know (ish?) who's written a book. 


He's delightfully funny, wonderfully entertaining, while still sharing his weight loss struggles.  And oh my word, he knows how to make a grilled PB&J that I still salivate thinking about.  It *may* not be weight loss friendly, but you can look at the pictures and drool for 0 calories.  Trust me, it's worth the click.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Healthy Fast Food?

I realize that putting these particular words in this particular order immediately forms an oxymoron. You remember oxymorons, right? Words or short phrases containing contradictory terms: like jumbo shrimp, authentic replica, or delicious rice cakes. When one thinks of fast food, "healthy" typically isn't one of the top adjectives that springs to mind. (In fact, many probably think "fast food" all by itself is an oxymoron.)

So imagine my surprise when Health.com publishes, "America's Top 10 Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants." This sounds intriguing. I'll bite. (Heck, I'll bite just about anything, which is probably the root of this weight problem of mine.)

They kick off the list with Panera Bread. First, let me say I love Panera Bread. When I want to spend fourteen bucks for a bagel and a smoothie, I know it's the first place I go. So to find out that it's also healthy it like icing on the cake. (Mmmm . . . cake.) The judges loved the fact that you can buy soup and sandwiches there. Oh, if only more restaurants served soup and sandwiches! Think how healthy the whole world would be!

They zeroed in on a "Turkey Artichoke on Focaccia" with "Black Bean Soup" as one example of their healthful offerings, qualifying that they did mean the half sized sandwich. I've never been one to assume that cutting something in half automatically makes it good for you. I can't count the number of times I've eaten half a deep dish pepperoni pizza and didn't feel the least bit healthy for it. Anyway, I checked out the nutrition information for this combo: about 500 calories. A cheeseburger and small fries at McDonald's is 530 calories and probably carries one-third the price tag. While most of you cry "gross!" at the mere mention of McFood, the point is when it comes to weight loss, your body, at its lowest functional level, really doesn't care where the stuff comes from.

But that's fine. The article has officially sucked me in. I'll move on to the second item on the list.

Oh no. It's Jason's Deli.

Everybody knows how I feel about Jason's Deli: the home of the 42-ounce, 2,300-calorie "Plain Jane" baked potato. They immediately declare that Jason's bags the number two spot due to its heavy "organic" bent but then proudly states that one-fifth of its ingredients are organic. I'm no mathematician, but to me that looks like eighty percent of its menu is not organic. They then say that the judges applauded Jason's for offering reduced portion sizes for $1 less (specifically calling out the aforementioned potato, no less).

I'm sorry, but I simply can't applaud the fact that for $6.19 I can buy 2,300 calories but oh, if I'm really concerned about my caloric intake, then they'll be gracious enough to put only 1,150 calories on my plate for $5.19. Call me old school, but when someone gives me half the food, I think it should be half the price. Just do yourself a favor folks: spend the extra dollar and then spread the potato out across four or five meals. That way your body and your wallet will both be happier.

And the judges' highest compliment? "Being able to build any sandwich on an organic whole-wheat wrap." Ah yes! I forgot all about that! All you have to do is put something in a freaking tortilla and it magically becomes health food. How silly of me. So I checked out a few of their wraps: about the same number of calories as a McDonald's double quarter pounder with cheese. Yes, I'm serious.

At that point I had to put the web site down and take a walk around the block. It suddenly hit me that this wasn't "America's Top 10 Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants" but more likely "Ten Fast Food Restaurants Who Paid Us For This Advertisement Disguised as Journalism." It made me depressed that people who try so hard to "eat healthy" and make the right choices can be so easily led astray by the very industry they turn to for help and advice.

In fact, I think I'm just going to head back to the fridge, pull out the second half of that deep dish pepperoni pizza and throw it in the microwave. But don't worry, I'll put it it a whole-wheat wrap first.

Life is what happens... *Guest Post*

Today is my surgery day, one where I'm getting my uterine fibroid (nicknamed "The Deficit") out for good. When I think of all the changes that this is may bring about, it's a bit daunting. Kind of like when I started blogging.

I've said it before, but when I started this blog, I didn't market it at all. I didn't tell anyone about it and I didn't really want anyone to see it. I had another blog that I pushed on people. Somehow, someway, Janell from Thufferin Thuccotash saw it and she was one of the first to cheer me on in the blog-o-sphere.  Surrounded by myriads (eleventy hundred if you will!) of posts with no comments, Janell's would be one of the few that I got.

I'll never forget her motivating words and her confidence that I had what it took to turn my life around. She was my best cheerleader and I owe her more than she'll ever know. Somehow it clicked that if a person who lived miles away thought that I had worth, why didn't I think the same? And what if I actually *did* have worth? It was an ah-ha moment and one that I'm forever thankful for.

Without further ado, I give you Janell's post. She's snarky, has dry humor, sarcastic, and wise. I hope you enjoy her just as much as I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't met Anne though I feel I know her so well from her writing. We've shared similar struggles. She's younger than my twin sons though through reading her blog for the past many years I've discovered our age doesn't change much about our struggle with weight-loss. You can be a chubby 19 year old, a portly 28 year old, a pleasingly plump-ish 35 year old, a fat-ish forty year old, or in my case, a (finally) ex-moderately obese 54 year old since making the decision to have gastric bypass surgery this past June 15th. One thing we all seem to have in common is a struggle with our brain with regard to food.

I can read your mind. I know what you're saying:

• Surgery is the easy way out.
• I would never have *that* surgery.
• I've lost weight before. I can do it again (by myself).
• Surgery is cheating! (judgmental -- aren't we?)
• You can surgically remove the weight but you can't fix the emotional problem of eating. (I agree -- though it's far easier to fight one battle at a time)

I struggled with the scale for years - though really my struggle wasn't with an inanimate object. I lost at least 100 lbs on my own with sensible eating and exercise, self-restraint, belittling, abuse. I have photos to prove weight loss. After my sister had gastric bypass surgery two years ago and I saw what was possible with her loss, I started to consider what might be possible for me with regard to gastric bypass.

I knew as I aged, I'd become less mobile. I was born with primary bi-lateral lymphedema and excess weight was going to make running, jogging, breathing, bicycling, living, ballet and tap, getting to the fridge, fencing, croquet, buying See's candy, curling and baking cookies, horseback riding more difficult as I aged. Though knowing I could become less mobile still wasn't incentive enough to lose the last 70 lbs I needed to lose. I'm the one who said "70 lbs" while my surgeon said 100 lbs which would take me down to my pre-birth weight of 154 lbs.

The problem is that as we get older and still have the same diet struggle, time's a wastin. All the while - time is flying, the years are melting out from underneath you. You're gonna get older like me, less mobile, less healthy, cancerous, cranky, crabby, pessimistic and pokey. It will take you a month to remember your ATM pin number. Yet you'll still be honking about starting your diet on Monday after you ate that whole pizza and drank 37 beers last Saturday night. When you reach my age, birthdays and holidays are right around the corner. As soon as one holiday ends, you can see the next one looming larger (than the number on your scale). You think you have all the time in the world. hah! Well if so, plan your funeral while you're figuring out which diet you'll try next because one day your diet plan and your funeral will intersect.

I've read weight loss blogs of people who (seem to really) want to lose weight and become healthier. Sometimes they post daily, sometimes a few times a week; chronic strugglers post caloric intakes, exercise schedules, foods consumed, things they learned about their  psyche, struggles and triumphs. Readers rally -- commenting support, cheering one - another on to the winner's circle. I've seen that circle written as 'onederland.' Then the following week these same folks are blogging again, only this time it's about how they drank Manhattans all weekend, ate half a smoked pig, stuffed themselves on chips and dip, ate only 6 happy meals, and finished last night with a whole pie a la mode. Come Monday, they are 10 lbs back up the scale, riding the self-abuse train again. And guess what? Time is beating you to the finish line.

My sister told me "some people aren't willing to give up the food." For some reason that statement stuck in my craw. I wanted to be able to give up the food. Once she said that, I thought about my addiction, my behavior and how (finally) for the sake of mobility and hopefully a longer life, I was willing to give up the food to see what was possible.

As of today, I'm hovering around 70lbs lost so far - since June 15th. I still wear the same clothes I wore when I was heavier (which either says a lot or a little about the clothing I *was* wearing). This sizable weight-loss has come at at time when my clothes may be loose but money is really tight. On one hand I'm waiting for the final (weight-loss) results while holding up my pants with the other. I can't complain because post-surgery I have loads of energy. I look better. I feel better. My hip doesn't hurt. My arthritic knee hurts occasionally (mostly after too much walking). I can move and breathe. I can easily walk up the stairs at work. I was able to give up food long enough to address the issue with weight so now I focus more on eating a nutritionally balanced diet. If I notice myself desiring less-than-optimum nutrition, I ask myself if I am able to only eat a small amount, why would I eat crap? Though I am not perfect. I'm just healthier, thinner, wiser and more wrinkled.

I decided to have gastric bypass surgery so I could spend the time I have left to live more mobile and healthier -- as long as possible. Being healthier helps me deal with emotional baggage because I'm not focused on beating myself up for eating because I didn't start my diet on Monday for the (as Anne would say) Eleventy-ith time . I'm not blogging about fluctuating weight. I don't want to write about exercise if it's not something I enjoy all that much -- not gonna be doing a triathlon anytime soon and if I decide to do one, I'll announce it on the front page of the NYT because it will *that* newsworthy. Bored and boring.


I wasted a heck of a lot of my life time thinking about being fat, being fat, overeating, eating, drinking, what to drink and making myself feel less-than because I consumed more than. Post surgery I'm focused on aspects of my life that -- pre-surgery, I didn't take the time to notice because I was too busy thinking about what I would eat for my next snack. (Oh, that, and this damn puppy.) But as you write your daily or weekly missive about the next weight-loss steps, the diet you'll start on Monday, remember that the only time life slows down for any of us is when you're waiting in line at the DMV. Other than that, time is jetting by and you're still contemplating your diet. Better to start mulling over potluck options for your funeral. At least you'll be thinking about food.