What blissful looks like

I love my boyfriend. I know, this isn't news to you, but it is a statement of my constant happiness for the past week. In fact, some of you may be gagging or hitting "Mark as read" in your Google reader because you're tired of me yapping about him.

But it's a new thing for me. I guess I never knew the simple comfort and joy that you can feel by falling asleep and waking up with the person that you love night after night.

The other day, my alarm went off, and as I rolled over to hit the snooze, he rolled with me and we got to cuddle until the alarm went off again.

I know, it may not last. I know, this is silly and it's probably normal when you first start staying with someone.

But oh, how it's exactly what I had always hoped for, but never thought I could have.

This whole realizing that I'm worth it thing? It's fantastic. It allows me to completely enjoy him and us. I've never felt this at home with myself and with my love for someone else. It's all consuming and incredibly freeing at the same time.

Blissful doesn't even begin to cover it sometimes, just in case you were wondering.

The new definition of SWF- Sex While Fat

When I started this blog, I was single. I believed, at that time, that no one would really love me when I was fat. I was unhappy, unhealthy, sad, lonely, tired, and fat. I believed that if I just lost weight, everything would be magical. If I would only lose some weight, then surely a guy would love me, right? If I was skinny, no one would leave me. If I was skinny, my life would be perfect or at least really close to perfect.

As I started to lose weight, I realized that being fat was a side effect of how I felt about me. I felt that I was unworthy of love AND that I was fat...so any time someone rejected me, I automatically assumed it was because I was fat.

A few years ago, when I started working at the company I did, a few guys in the office were talking about dating. One said to me, "Anne, I would NEVER date you. You're a redhead and redheads have always been trouble for me." He was serious. Another co-worker said, "Really? I don't mind that she's a redhead, but she laughs WAY too loud. I could never date her." That co-worker was also serious.

As wonderful of an experience as that was (NOT!), it actually taught me a pretty great lesson - people don't want to date others for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with their weight. Would I continue dating a guy with chronic halitosis? No. What about a guy that was dumb? No. Would I date an asshat that was mean to dogs or grandmas or waiters? No, no, and no.

So the fact that I was and am heavier shouldn't stop me from dating others.

The bigger issue was that *I* hated the way that I looked. And I hated the way I acted. I was unhealthy in more ways than one...it just manifested itself in weight issues such that my unhealthiness was apparent to many others around me.

I had to get to a point, where I wanted to be healthier - mind, body, and spirit - before I could even consider dating. Because the truth is (at least for me), no one can love you enough when you don't love yourself.

When I first started dating Joe in June, I liked him (actually, the day that I met him, I wrote this on my other blog - and it was one of the funnier posts I've written). Although I love him dearly now, when I first met him, I just thought he was a nice guy. I wasn't bowled over by his looks, even though I think he's an attractive guy. What really won me over was his sense of humor. Almost 10 months later, and that's still what wins me over.

Joe is a wonderful guy, but he is (as I've written about here) much smaller than I am. At first, I wasn't sure if *I* wanted a guy that was that much smaller than I was. I was worried that he might be like a past boyfriend - one that blamed our collective unhappiness on my weight many times. But as this past weekend re-enforced, my weight, his weight, or our difference in weight is not an issue in our relationship.

This past weekend, we went to his place when it was sunny. But as the sun went down, it got colder...and I found that the top that I wore wasn't warm enough so he offered a jacket. I froze (literally and figuratively) in the moment. Because Joe wears mediums. I have NEVER in my life worn a medium anything. I'm a size 16 and when I first fit into size larges late last year, I did a happy dance of joy. So a medium? Probably not going to work out.

I borrowed a zip up jacket anyway and at the start was nervous that it wouldn't even zip. When we walked outside to the car, I said something like, "Man! This jacket is a little..." and I was trying to figure out the right word when he supplied "too small?" to finish my sentence.

The old me would've shrunken inwardly. I would've gasped and felt embarrassed that he must've noticed that it *was* too small. Was he worried that I was stretching his clothes? Was he embarrassed to be around me? Was he sad that his girlfriend couldn't wear his clothes?

But the me that is healthy and honest said, "Well, yes" at his question of if the jacket was too small. Because it was. It was a little uncomfortable - I mean, that's why I was saying something in the first place. And when we came back upstairs, I asked if I could borrow another sweatshirt - one that was a size large this time. He brought an old one out and I was more comfortable.

What felt even more comfortable than the roomier sweatshirt was the knowledge that my larger size didn't faze either one of us. We still giggled and held hands. We still went to a restaurant and enjoyed our meal. We still kissed and cuddled at the end of the night. We still are in love.

I read BFD's featured blog this morning all about dating while fat. And in the comments, there was a woman who apparently wrote that she was trying to lose weight so she could get a boyfriend. It's cheesy to say it, but if I had been so unhappy and unhealthy in my thoughts, Joe wouldn't have wanted to date me.

To be clear, dating Joe has certainly helped my self confidence and self worth - because he is healthy and treats me in a loving, healthy way. But when we sat at that speed dating table for the first time, I asked what he did for fun because I wanted someone who exercised regularly (like I did). I wanted someone who had a healthy lifestyle because I knew that that's what I was doing. I asked these questions with the same attitude that I asked others - it was a way to try to gauge whether the guy was healthy - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

So, sure. Dating Joe has helped me progress in those aspects of my life. But it wasn't all him - it was a whole lotta' me on the outset.

So sex while fat? I'm finding that it's way better than when I was skinnier. Because I love who I am and I'm proud of who I am, it's easier to be in the moment.

When you realize that YOU are valuable, the size of you becomes less significant. The more you bring to the table, the less it seems to matter how much space at table you take up.

Literally a life changing epiphany

Let's get a couple of things straight. I am a female. I was born a female. And I SWEAR this post is about weight loss. What I'm about to write is a concept that is literally changing my life. I hope you'll think so too - you just have to hear me out.

But, I have a small penis. SORT OF.

Let me back up - I promise this will make sense in due time.

I listen to a podcast each week. For those that don't know, a podcast is like an out-loud version of a newspaper column. It can be live, although the one that I listen to isn't. The podcast that I download is Dan Savage's Lovecast. It's a sex advice podcast.

At any rate, a month or so ago, a girl called in saying that her boyfriend told her that he had a small penis. And she was all concerned about this - in fact, after dating for quite a while, she still wasn't even allowed to see it or touch it. But boy did she hear about it all the time! She said that he blamed past break-ups on his small penis and he was concerned that she would think it was too small too. She called for help on how to handle the situation, specifically how to make him feel better about the small penis.

Dan gave her some great advice on how this girl could help him feel more open to sharing himself with her. He gave her great tips on how to be considerate and how to help his ego. A week later another caller called in to give her advice - and it was this: RUN AWAY NOW. She pleaded the caller to bail now before getting any deeper. Not because males with small penises can't get the job done, but because EVERYTHING would be blamed on this small penis - and this is key - whether he actually has one or not. See, no matter what (according to her) they would break up because of his penis - not because it couldn't function as it should - but because he was so sensitive about it, that she'd get tired of hearing about it and eventually wouldn't want to deal with it at all.

I let that podcast marinate - and I realized that I have a small penis of my own.

It's my weight.

All my adult life, I've expected the guys I've dated to bail on me because I was heavier than other girls. I would say self-defacing things from time to time and the guys that I dated would always try to build me up... But all the while, I had convinced myself that it was only a matter of time before the guy dumped me. Eventually he would realize that I was simply too fat for him. When the sex seemed to dry up (not by my choice) I remembered saying, "Look. I get it. You can't help it if you're not attracted to me. I understand." I had convinced myself before there was even a problem that there WOULD be a problem.

It has occurred to me that while they may not have been bothered by my weight at first, it became this THING that I was worried about a lot of the time. If they were short with me at some point, that was okay - because after all, I was fat - or didn't they notice? They were checking out other girls? Who could blame them...they're with a fatty. I have felt this way my entire adult life - whether I was 10 pounds overweight or 100 pounds overweight. It's my self-made, go-to, automatic self-hating and self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just KNEW that the guys would leave me because of my weight. And eventually, I think they did - because I made it an issue. An issue that no amount of catering to me and no amount of consolation would fix. It was my very own small penis.

But here's the thing that was key for me. The second lady that called in said that he may not even HAVE a small penis. That's right. He may not have a small penis in reality... but since he's so convinced that he does, the small penis IS his reality.

Like I said, this thought process is literally changing my life.

What if I'm really not that fat? What if, even with weight left to lose, I can love myself for what who I am? What if I can let go of the fatty-stigma that has plagued me all during my life? What if I can experience unconditional love with myself? Well, I'm not entirely sure what that reality would be like, but how could it possibly be worse than the one that I'm living now?

I don't have to let my weight weigh me down. I don't have to let it sabotage another relationship. If the guy cheats or doesn't want to hold my hand in public, it's HIS problem. Not mine. If the guy doesn't want sex with me, that's HIS frickin' issue. There is nothing WRONG with my body. My body was made to be loved - literally and figuratively.

I'm seeing myself in a new light. And it feels so good!