Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Body issues and dating...

'Member this post?

Well, the issue that I've been struggling with, is this: I'm dating a guy who is a lot smaller than I am. He's not a little person - he's actually an inch taller than I am...but he weighs about 75 pounds less than I do, which means that even at my goal weight, he'll still weigh less.

And I'm trying to decide how I feel about it.

A bit of background...I've dated two guys that were shorter than me and have dated several that weighed less than me. But I don't remember any of them being so much...well...littler than me. I'm not sure if it's the shoulders that are leaner or the fact that I can literally wrap my arms completely around his body, but JESUS he is tiny! Having dated a guy that was much stronger than me, I've found that I don't like getting hauled around as much as I thought that I would...

About a month ago I was talking to a friend about this...and he asked how I would feel if he was telling his friends that he didn't want to date a "big girl" like me. FIRST of all, fuck you and your "big girl" comment. I don't know why, but that phrase gets my blood boiling every time. Secondly, after he asked that my first comment back to him was "Well, you can't help what you're attracted to."

So I'm struggling a bit. I'm trying to figure out if it's that *I'm* not attracted to him or that I'm afraid that he won't be attracted to me - either now or in the future.

I can't seem figure it out.

All my life, I've had to hear my dad say things about people that were bigger. Over Thanksgiving last year, he was saying that he thought Beyonce' was too big for him. And my dad? He's got a belly to lose too...and OMFG, he's 65, so you know what? Beyonce' isn't exactly wanting him either.

His reaction to heavier ladies is that they're disgusting. He'll literally shake his head, make an icky face, and usually grunt or groan - something to let us all know that he is judging that person. I've never had the courage to let him know that he's no Harrison Ford either. Because somehow, even at 32, mouthing off to my dad seems so disrespectful. So I sit in silence and wonder whether my dad is really proud of me, even though I'm bigger too.

I guess I've always thought that all guys would feel the same way. And in my head, even though I KNOW that I will get this weight off me, I'm worried that all guys feel the same way.

And then the "what ifs" start piling up.

What if this new guy ends up telling me that I'm too big for him? Is that really a big deal? I mean, he might be too little for my own tastes. What if I really do like him but I'm just afraid of being left later for someone else? What if I lose all my extra weight and then gain stuff back due to pregnancy, illness, cancer meds, or thyroid issues? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? What if I never get married, I never have kids, and I end up dying ALONE? What if he's not that dissimilar in size to my ex-boyfriends as I thought and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill?

The thoughts spiral so out of control that it's overwhelming.

A year ago, I'd turn to food right about now. I'd turn to food and tell myself that I'm eating to avoid all of this crap. Who wants to date anyway? You'd be rejected if you date. Best to put another layer of fat on so that guys will have to try REALLY hard to prove to you that you're worth it. If you're fat, the guys that date you must be okay with the fact that you're fat...so they won't make mean comments to you. They know what they're getting into.

But this time, I'm drinking water. I'm breathing. I'll be running later today and maybe will get some answers. I'm trying to go through this without numbing my pain. I'm trying to experience all the emotions involved so that I'll be more able to deal with them the next time they pop up.

I'm seeing a therapist. And I don't have to have all the answers to the "what ifs." I just have to present to her my feelings and she will help me re-organize them. She'll help me figure out how to stop those spiraling thoughts that get out of control and overwhelming. She'll help me figure out how to keep loving myself even if someone else doesn't want to anymore.

I try, at times like these, to ask myself "What is the worst that can happen?" And sometimes, the answer isn't as scary as I thought. I'm hoping that through therapy I'll come to realize that even if all of those "what ifs" happen, I'll be fine.

What about you? Do you have any body issues with dating others? If so, how do you deal?

2 Comments:

POD said...

Short guys don't deserve me. ;-)

However, I have a friend who is about as tall (5'9") but he is much more finely boned than I so that it feels weird when we hug. All my best mates (for lack of a better term) have weighed less than I. And I don't care. What matters to me is what is on the inside of a person. I don't want to be judged by my outside and I don't want to judge someone by their outside. Though attractive people are nice to look at.

I'm sorry but I'm be tempted to blame a lot of your weight issues on your father. Not that THAT would change much. But when we are seeking constant approval even as adults, it's usually because we never felt acceptance by our parents. (my experience only)

Amy Pousson said...

I am very much in the "I am afraid of moving past the flirting stage because I am afraid of rejection stage" coupled with the "is this too soon after my divorce question." But really, it's more about me not being happy with me right now. And right now, most of why I am not happy with me right now has to do with my weight, the 75 lbs I lost 6 years ago when I moved here and the 50 lbs I gained back over the last 5 years. I am so trying to find what motivated me back then...and I am thinking maybe that just isn't motivating me anymore (whatever it was) and I need to find what will motivate me right now. Yeah, so the whole body issues and dating...you aren't alone, but at least you are getting out there and working on it, right?