Friday, November 5, 2010

Epilogue *Guest Post*

I'm not going to lie to you. I've been dreading today. Not because it's the last guest post. If I know me, you know I'm probably ready to get back to blogging.

But because today means that Krissie from questionsfordessert is not posting any more.

Sure, she now has a different outlet, but it's not the same.  I suppose that's the point.

When I started blogging a few years back, I found Krissie's blog through Fat Bridesmaid's blog (someone who I did not have the courage to ask to guest post. I'll explore that at a later time I guess). But I found Krissie's and I really loved it. First, she's a great writer. But she tells it like it is and explains how she feels - whether I've agreed with it or not.

She's a strong woman who has had a few blows thrown her way. She ducks, she swerves, but she perseveres.

I know this sounds creepy, but Krissie is one of those bloggers that when you read her words, you think "I could be friends with that person." And a part of me knows that this is so.

Maybe that's why I'm so bummed to see her go from the blog-o-sphere. I feel like I'm losing a buddy - someone who gets the wonder when looking at themself and realizing that they are a RUNNER! I'll never listen to Outkast's "Hey Ya" without thinking of her shaking it on a race course.


Krissie - you will be missed. And I hope you find a way to stay in contact with those of us whose lives your words have touched.

I know I should end this preface. But I don't want to. I feel like I've got a neighborhood friend that's getting ready to move out of our block. The car is running in the driveway. And after I get done embracing her, she'll be on her way.

Is it any wonder I don't want to release the hug?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my first career, I was a therapist. I used to work in settings with graduations. Inpatient substance abuse treatment. A home for teenage moms. An after school program with little kids. Where goals were set, goals were met, and clients were given teary and encouraging graduation ceremonies. And then the cute little client went out into the world, spread her wings, and lived her life.

I feel like that’s where I am.

I’ve been blogging for a long time. I dabbled in a few successful pounds lost here and there over the first few years. But I never really made a solid commitment.

But then everything changed. My grandfather was battling cancer. It did not take him quickly or peacefully. As I felt my emotions spinning out of control, I somehow made the connection to how my body had felt for years. I felt out of control in all areas of my health. I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t moving, and I was terribly unhappy. I remember sitting in the bedroom I grew up in – on Thanksgiving 2008 – and making a promise to myself. I told myself that as soon as my life was back in anything that resembled normalcy, I was getting my health together. I made that commitment. I recognized that beginning a new lifestyle within that season of my life was setting myself up for failure. So I planned.

And I did it.

I was very focused for a year. I counted calories. I fell in love with running. We ran a half-marathon. I hit my stride. I finally moved out of obese and into overweight. I felt like the me I always wanted to be. And I blogged through it all. I wrote about the emotional toll of being overweight. About changing my self-talk. 98% of my processing along this journey? I blogged about it. The triumphs. The struggles. Almost daily. I put it all out there for everybody to see, hoping that someone would be encouraged and empowered.

But then everything changed again.

I learned a few weeks later that within the week of the half marathon, we got pregnant. After years of thinking it wasn’t a possibility. And shortly after I figured out that pregnancy was the reason for all my bizarre symptoms, suddenly we weren’t pregnant anymore.

The miscarriage changed my life. Totally changed my perspective on everything. It was a horrible thing to blog through, but I did. I have several unpublished posts – that remained unpublished because I don’t want the people that love me to know just how much pain I was in – but I hashed out most of my emotions there.

And I am incredibly proud of that. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back and read the posts from this summer. But they’re there.

This summer, I gained back 20 pounds. And I understood why. But I didn’t understand how to pull myself out of that. I thought that when I started feeling better, I’d be able to make better choices. When my emotions stabilized, I’d get back on the healthy train. Like I had when my grandfather died. But it just wasn’t happening.

But one night, putting dishes in the dishwasher, I decided I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to say terrible things about myself anymore. The miscarriage was not my fault. I decided to be proactive. I was taking charge of my life. I was going to fix me.

The very next day, my thankful project was born.

I feel like my thankful blog is a tribute to my baby. I’m finally letting go of all the horrible feelings I had all wrapped up with her. I’m choosing to feel thankful. Not shame over not being able to keep her. Not doubt in my body’s ability to do what it was made to do. Not embarrassment over gaining some weight back. That’s not what Gnomie means to me. Gnomie made me thankful.

I recently decided to stop blogging on questionsfordessert. I feel like it was time. I want to spend more time with people. I want to make phone calls and write letters and bake. I want to think about something other than me. I want to live without being so focused on what I am doing and feeling. I’m not letting go of my health. Not at all. I’m just approaching it in a different, less dissected way.

I’m learning to love myself for what I am instead of what I hope to be one day. I want to enjoy running and food because I naturally love them, not because I think they will help me shrink. I want to be more present in my life and less focused on recording it and trying to figure everything out. And I want what I do document to have a different focus. I want to keep track of the good, the happy, the joyful. And that’s what my thankful blog is helping me do.

The decision to stop blogging was a very difficult one. The blogging community has been very good to me. But, as a dear friend said in my comments, I’m not leaving. I’m just moving. I cannot express enough gratitude to my blog friends. The support, the tears, the hugs, the prayers. They were all felt. I wrapped myself up in them.

I’m not leaving.

I turn 33 next month. My husband and I are running 2 half-marathons, one on each of the weekends surrounding my birthday. I’m excited for where my life is going, even though I have no idea where that is.

I feel like I’m graduating from therapy. Like I’ve worked through so much crap to emerge with a clean attitude and outlook. Like my world is new and fresh laid out before me. For me to make of it whatever I wish. I wish for contentment. I wish for joy. I wish for deeper connections with the people I love. I wish for gratitude and forgiveness.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I control my life by the decisions that I make. By what I do in each minute of each day. I control my health. I control my outlook. And if I want joy, contentment, connections, gratitude, and forgiveness? Then I have to go out and make it happen.

I’m doing exactly that. One thankful picture at a time.

3 Comments:

Lanie Painie said...

ummm. .. THANKS!

Fat Bridesmaid said...

I had the same feeling when Krissie told me she was retiring the blog. I understood why she did it but I couldn't help feeling a sense of panic that questionsfordessert wouldn't be there any more. And I think this post illustrates exactly why we all miss Krissie in the blogosphere. She's pretty awesome.

TinaM said...

I have never read Krissie's blog, but I can see by the writing I really missed out!
At least she's saying goodbye, I've seen a few just up and leave with out even saying anything. I hate that!!! lol

Good luck to you Krissie and even though moving is hard, it seems like it's what's best for YOU :)