What a girl wants, what a girl needs

Somewhere along the way, I figured that I should only ask for things I need, instead of stuff I want. I’m trying to unpack why that is with my therapist, but as I look back on my adult life, that’s mostly true.

For those that know me, you may be wanting to protest otherwise. But the truth is, I can make decisions about almost anything, but I weigh what I want into the mix pretty lightly. If it’s something I need (like air, gas, food, temperature control, etc), I can usually voice my concern. If there’s something I want but I’m paying for it or I’m responsible for it, I can usually figure out what I want and go with it.

But what I want from others, especially if it is at a cost (financially or emotionally) to them? Well, that’s a much different story.

For instance, picking out pieces to play on a board game. If I know that some piece or color is your favorite, I’ll pick that out for you and then I’ll pick amongst the leftovers. If I know you don’t like a certain type of food, I’ll suggest a different restaurant so that you’ll feel more comfortable.

The thing is, I rarely lobby for what I want. If someone else is involved, I don’t have a problem lobbying for them – wants and needs alike.

I sound like a pretty nice person, don’t I? Well, I’m not. At least not to myself.

If I always focus on what I need to do or on my obligations, I rarely feel spoiled. And if I don’t voice what I want, it’s next to impossible for someone to spoil me. If I'm always accomodating others, whether they've asked for it or not, I'm not treating myself like a priority.

And what does that leave me with? Well, 80 extra pounds of fat, for one.

Why? I've chosen, over the last few decades, to spoil myself with food rather than the actual acts of kindness that I truly want.  Mostly by my own doing.

These days, one of the things I’m trying to be VERY conscious of is the question, “What do I want?” And when I can, I’m trying to choose what *I* want.

Here’s a few examples:
Joe received great seats to a baseball game from his employer. But I really don’t like baseball. I’ve tried, and I just don’t like it. Plus, it’s on a Thursday night. And honestly? I’d way rather be watching the newest episode of Project Runway. But he feels like he needs to go, and even though I suggested that he go with another friend, he wants me to go. So I will.

However, I still have choices that night. If I want to eat beforehand so I’m not forced to eat things that I don’t really want, I can do so. If I want to, I get to choose to take a nap before the game because I know it’ll be a late night. When it comes down to it, I get to choose lots of stuff – including my attitude.

Another example is our weekend breakfast routine. Joe wants to eat out for breakfast. He also wants to sleep in and cuddle until noon. And then he wants to take his time getting ready. This means that we typically won’t eat our first meal until 1 or 2. And I usually snack on almost anything to keep me not so hungry that I am crabby, but not so full that I'm full when we eat.

And honestly? That kind of drives me crazy. Because in the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve never said to him that I like to get up at 8 or 9. I like to have some time to myself to do things that I want to do. So really, who’s fault is it that I’ve been doing what we wants rather than asking for what I want?

Last weekend, we cuddled and then I got up to read a book. Later, while he was bumbling around the apartment, I had a bowl of cereal (gasp!) and he chose to skip breakfast. The world didn’t end, and he didn’t dump me. Go figure. He got to cuddle and I got to eat.

I think that's called peace.

This weekend I got up early, walked to our nearby coffee place, purchased a latte and a Sunday paper. I leisurely read the paper, cut the coupons, and organized them. Hours later when he woke up, we went out to breakfast.

I’m finding that I’m loving recognizing that I have a choice in things. And that it’s perfectly all right to choose stuff that I want or to choose to voice my wants. I can still be contentious about other’s feelings, but I don’t have to always squelch what I want to make others feel loved.

Because really, aren’t we all worth spoiling – even if just a little? And don’t you feel more capable of making it through all the things you HAVE to do when you get to choose things that you WANT from time to time?

Lastly, I’m trying to be conscious of not just what I eat, but how I eat. If I don’t want to rush through a meal, I don’t have to. I can take my full lunch hour. I can not multi-task by talking to friends or family during my dinner. I can CHOOSE to get up earlier so I’m not scarfing down my breakfast while cursing at other drivers.

Realizing that I get a choice in lots of things is pretty empowering, even if it’s still unfamiliar. But like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it, I’m finding it’s getting a bit easier with time.

Being an advocate for yourself

A wise person once said/wrote, "What you focus on, expands." Don't ask me who wrote or said it - I searched the internet and I couldn't find anything definitive.

The fact that there doesn't seem to be one owner of the phrase doesn't make that statement any less true.

Perhaps it is this simple truth that is attracting me to blogs (and the authors of them) when they write about their own advocacy. The ones that are lobbying for their own health - mentally, physically, or spiritually really spark something in me. I could point towards Lesia or the Bariatric Babe for two examples of physical health advocates, but for the sake of this post, I'm going to focus on the mental health aspect when it comes to food.

I've been keeping Krissie's (at Questions for Dessert) recent post as unread in my Google Reader for many days now - because I love re-reading her current mindset on why she is eating the foods that she is. THAT mindset is something that I'm striving for and towards.

It's such a different approach than I think many of us have when it comes to food and losing weight.

I'm finding that I'm an advocate of myself and my own health - especially when it comes to food and my desire to be a more healthy weight.

Take yesterday for example. I did go to the Weight Watchers meeting, as planned. In the line to weigh in, I talked with Susan, who is a lifetime member many times over. Recently she met her goal and made lifetime again a few months ago. Since then, she has been steadily gaining - to where apparently she is now outside her 2 pound grace limit. She is now once again paying a weekly fee.

She said to me yesterday, "Gosh! I don't know what is wrong with me! I just can't keep the weight off. I feel horrible. Why can't I succeed? I'm starting to wonder if it has to do with something up here." And then she pointed to her head.

Yes, Susan. It IS all in your head. And YOU have to be your own advocate - someone who says no to the bags and bags of potato chips in one sitting NOT because you're out of points for that day, but because YOU are worth not putting that crap into. She's not alone though. How many years did I not get that the problem with me and food had so much more to do with my mind? I've been there. And just so you know, I've eaten bags and bags of candy, chips, or anything else I could get my hands on and then hated myself afterwards. Believe me, I know what it's like.

Yesterday's topic at the meeting was eating out and how to do it successfully. My leader focused on the "Set Points" idea which is basically where you get to eat as much as it takes for you to be satisfied of one category of food for a set number of points (it eliminates a lot of the counting and measuring that sometimes can baffle the best of members). Someone in the meeting said, "So you can eat all the meat you want for only that many points?" and our leader had to again explain the difference between eating everything you want and eating what it takes to be satisfied.

By the blank faces in the room, she's got a long road ahead of her if she wants people to "get it."

The thing is, it frustrates me. That almost all of the people in that room didn't seem to understand what they're doing to themselves when they say that they're lazy, fat, or stupid because they're gaining weight on one particular week. I want to shake them all - and then hug them like crazy.

I want to say to them what a good friend of mine said to me a few years ago when I needed to hear it most: "Life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful."

I can't say that I've had it this healthy mindset for long...and if you've been following me for any length of time, you know that what I'm writing is true. I mean, jeepers! Just look at the links to my past blogs from above...I was saddened to read how I used to feel. For YEARS I had the "diet" mentality that I couldn't have foods because they were bad for me - or that my self-worth was dependant on what I put in my mouth.

The thing is, now that I feel like I have self-worth? I am much more discerning what I will put into it AND what I will do with it.

This is the only body I get. I'm gonna' take care of it.