Friday, October 31, 2008

Don't look here

I feared that this would happen. See, I'm not doing as well this week as I have in the past. I'm not shocked that I would have weeks where I would gain. Hell, I've been overweight my whole adult life - please...I knew that I would gain. I feared the stuff that happens BEFORE I gain the in the emotional turmoil that I go through and don't react to in a positive way.

The problem with me this week is that for some reason (despite success on Monday night's meeting) I feel so bad about myself - or rather my current social situation. Which is to say, I feel so very alone.

I wish that it didn't make a difference. I wish that I could shake off the bad feelings that have plagued me this week. I wish that I could feel that in the midst of me feeling like I don't matter to anyone else that I could still somehow matter to myself.

But unfortunately, I don't particularly feel lovable - which makes NOW the hardest time to love myself. And how do I doctor it? By last night eating whatever I damn well pleased. I stepped on the scale this morning and cringed, knowing that I cannot possibly lose that weight gain by Monday's meeting.

WHY does this affect me so much? WHY can't I shake off all of the emotional SHIT? Why can't I classify my dad's opinion of overweight people as wrong? Why do I care so much about what someone else thinks of me?

I know that I'll go to Monday's meeting - and be prepared for the gain and the questions at the scale from my leader. And I know that next week I'll probably buckle down and fight the bad feelings in a more positive way. And I know that without doing this, I'll never even have a chance of being healthier.

But I also know that this week completely represents WHY I've had a weight problem in my life. It clearly links my mental health and my physical health. And although I can put band-aids on it, I know that I need to find out why I feel this way so that I can get over it - or at least deal with it better.

It's just that I don't know how to fix the root of the problem...and my fear is that maybe I can't.

So don't look at me as an example of what to do...because I'm not example worthy - other than what not to be.