Wednesday, July 31, 2013

DWF - Dating While Fat (Part One)

I weighed myself yesterday morning - and while I'm down about 10 pounds since the end of April, the first two numbers are still higher than I'd like to see.

I've been meaning to weigh myself for a week or two but the scale is on Zach's (the boyfriend) side of the room (it's a long story as to why) and he gets up later than I do so it's kind of disruptive to his sleep when I do it.  In fact, yesterday morning, Zach actually gasped and shielded his eyes when I stepped on the scale...but that's because I had to turn the bedside light on right by his head in order to read the number on the scale.  :)

My point is, I'm aware of how big I am.  And whether I'm clothed or not, the people I've dated have also been aware of how big I am.

I think I used to think that if I just wore black or a cardigan or perhaps accessorized better, I'd be able to somehow fool others into thinking that I was slightly big instead of obese.  The thing is, unless I'm dating a stereotypical pirate, the person had two eyes to see me with and even if they were only hugging me goodbye, they could also feel how big I was.

So, obviously, by the time that Zach and I got to the point where we were taking our clothes off each other, he was very aware of my size.

One day, after enjoying our lusty behaviors, we walked upstairs to get some water from the house.  Naked.  And while I was standing in my kitchen drinking water, he looked at me and said, "I'm so glad you're not one of those girls that has to always be covered up."  And I looked at him, laughed, and then continued to drink my water.

I totally used to be that girl.  In fact, his comment kind of took me by surprise - when did I stop being that way?

With every other boyfriend I've had, I've always felt self conscious of my size.  I've always felt that I had to apologize for it somehow by trying harder than another girl would to please her man.  I've tried to arch my back in bed to disguise rolls of chub.  I've pulled their hands away as they were feeling a part of me that felt particularly fat.  And I always wore a bra afterwards in an attempt to erase the memory of the huge floppy things that were where I wished perky boobs would be.

And yet, there I was, in my kitchen without a stitch of clothing on and feeling great.

I am very lucky that the man I'm with loves me.  All of me.  Someday (probably soon) I'll explain how we got to be a couple but for now I'll say that this has been a long time coming.

But I think what is key is that I never could have fully enjoyed that kind of freedom in love (and lust) if I hadn't have been able to be okay with my size first.  See, when I think of being intimate with past boyfriends, I think of all the stuff I mentioned earlier.  Not the emotion behind them wanting to touch me.  My pre-occupation with my own size was a barrier that separated myself from them - even when we weren't wearing anything.

I'm completely okay with my body.  And I'm finally at a place where I realize that I don't need the layer of fat anymore.  I don't need the physical distance from others and I don't need that comfort of isolation.

It's a weird place to be - accepting and non-judgmental of my body and yet having the desire to have it be different.  

This post was initially going to be about something else entirely - but I got sidetracked by my own writing.  I'll finish my thoughts later, but for now I want to share with any one out there that needs to read this right now: it is completely possible to be as big or as thin as you are right now and to still be loved and lusted after.

You are the only thing standing in the way of your own sexuality and sensuality.  If someone that you're with makes you feel "less than" because of how your body looks, dump the mother f*cker already.

For decades, I didn't think it was possible but I'm here to share with you at 36 years of age and in a size 20 body, it is possible and it is fabulous.  I've probably had it many times in my life but was too pre-occupied to fully enjoy it.

Take it from me, embrace your sensuality, shed the bra, snuggle up in the position that is most comfortable, even if it isn't flattering.  Let yourself bask in the glow of the aftermath.

It's so worth it.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Oh, hello!

First, thank you so much for the sweet comments!  I figured that after almost a year out many people would've moved on already.  I'm so glad to see that I still have a few friends out there. :)

Also, thanks for the comment about Feedly!  I'll definitely check that out in short order.

At the tail end of last week, I stopped by the store and bought a bunch of fresh veggies, fruits, and things that were healthier than what I have been eating recently.  I do find that when I'm more mindful of what I'm eating, I do better about stopping sooner (as in when I'm no longer hungry) and actually eating things that are good for me.  I also find that when I track my food intake, I eat healthier.

I've also bought and used a fitbit.  These little puppies are pedometers and motivators - all in one. 

I have a fitbit zip and I bought it on Amazon as it was a bit cheaper than other places I saw it.  This is what mine looks like (if it were in bright light and not slightly scratched from wear and tear):

So, why do I love it?

First, they link to my account (I'm happyfunpants) and second, they allow you to connect with other fitness people.  So I'm just putting this out there...if you're on either and would like a "friend," let me know. As a side note, is free and has a whole host of calorie/nutritional databases.  It's like Weight Watchers only with calories.

I try to challenge myself to do at least 6000 steps a day, with a few days a week at over 10000 steps.  I'm not always successful but it does encourage me to take the stairs more often than not and I've even started walking around my building when I'm on conference calls to up my steps.  It may sound silly that I'm so motivated by a digital number, but I figure this is a healthier encouragement than being obsessed with the number on the scale.

Sometimes I get caught up and frustrated because I remember that I was a person who ran a few miles every day - and now just walking to get to 10,000 steps per day is a source of pride.  I do miss running - and I'll get there again eventually.  But for now, I know that I need to do the smart thing and take it easy on my knees and just walk.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a better place or if it's just more realistic, but I'm realizing that I have a lot less pressure on myself to be perfect.

Besides, it's an unattainable goal anyway. :)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

An update


I've appreciated your comments over the last 9 months.  I've sat down to write an update many times, but when I stare at the blank screen and start to try to figure out what to type, my mind goes blank.  Do I update everyone?  Do I jump into things as they are right now - as if no time has passed?

I'm going to do a bit of both.

I made the decision to not see a therapist anymore.  I haven't seen her in many months - and even then it was two sessions to check in about my methodology about a situation.  Ultimately, I realized I didn't need her advice - because I had the answers in myself - or her affirmation - because my good feelings about it were enough.

In fact, I think that's the best way to sum up my life.  Working on me, working on reinforcing positive behaviors, working on strengthening my inner voice and becoming more secure with who I am, what I want, and healthy ways to do it.

My house has has several issues (current one is black mold in the basement as a byproduct of water that we have NO idea where it's coming from) but each time I've handled the issues being as calm as I could be and recognizing the anxiety when it's popped up.

I've done a LOT of dating in the past 9 months. I used to be more vocal about the dates and especially about the train wrecks I met but when I went back to the place where I graduated high school (over Christmas) I ran into a few people that I was Facebook friends with.  They would say things like "I love your terrible dating stories!  They're so funny!" and that made me wonder if I was being pitied.  Moreover, it made me wonder if I was bringing a lot of this on myself.  I stopped posting terrible dating stories and started focusing on raising the bar of people I chose to date.  I looked at past relationships, realized my part in them (both the good and the bad), and then decided to change my actions - in a healthy and self-respecting way.

I've pulled away, in some ways, significantly, from people that I just don't feel good around.  I've basically categorized people in energy-givers and energy-takers in my mind.  And I've made conscious efforts to build relationships with those that feed me energy and positivity in healthy ways; those that I give the same things back to.

I've changed so much since I started this blog.  My mindset is completely different.  I stand up for myself.  I respect others but their opinion isn't more valid than my own.  I don't binge.  I don't feel shame towards myself.  I love myself.  I'm not nervous or anxious in normal situations.  I don't feel the compulsion to help others to the determent of myself.

And you know what?  That is so much because of YOU.  This blog has been instrumental in making me feel heard and validated.  It helped greatly to voice my concerns, my worries, my secrets, and my failures.  It's almost like I had this backlog of issues and words that had to come streaming forth.  I needed sympathy. I needed reassurance.  I needed you.

So before I go any further, THANK YOU.  Thank you for caring - in many cases about a stranger - enough to write and comment; enough to befriend me.  I didn't have to be funny - I didn't have to be anything I wasn't at that very moment.  I just was me.  And it was good enough.

So now what?  Well, I am in love.  I'm living with someone and it's by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been involved in.  I'm happy in my job; I work for a company that rewards and validates my work. 

And I'm fat.  No really, I am.

I've gained back every ounce of weight I had once lost.  In my defense, I've lost about 10 pounds in the last few months by being contentious of what I was putting in my mouth and trying to move more.

I no longer have a the extreme emotional connection to food like I once did.  I think I'm actually now one of those people that just needs to concentrate on any program and work it until I get in a more healthy range.  I'm trying to decide how I want to do that - if it's by joining Weight Watchers again or just staying on and finding friends there.

What I do know is that I want to be healthier. I miss running. I miss not having to push out booth tables from my belly.  I miss not getting winded when trying to be active. 

And I miss reading your blogs.  I miss having the connection here too.  (side note: Google Reader went do I capture all the streams of blogs that I want to read - those that are not all necessarily through blogspot?)

So I'm going to post - though I'm not sure how regularly.   And I'm going to make my outside match my inside - healthier. :)

Much love,