DWF - Dating While Fat (Part One)

I weighed myself yesterday morning - and while I'm down about 10 pounds since the end of April, the first two numbers are still higher than I'd like to see.

I've been meaning to weigh myself for a week or two but the scale is on Zach's (the boyfriend) side of the room (it's a long story as to why) and he gets up later than I do so it's kind of disruptive to his sleep when I do it.  In fact, yesterday morning, Zach actually gasped and shielded his eyes when I stepped on the scale...but that's because I had to turn the bedside light on right by his head in order to read the number on the scale.  :)

My point is, I'm aware of how big I am.  And whether I'm clothed or not, the people I've dated have also been aware of how big I am.

I think I used to think that if I just wore black or a cardigan or perhaps accessorized better, I'd be able to somehow fool others into thinking that I was slightly big instead of obese.  The thing is, unless I'm dating a stereotypical pirate, the person had two eyes to see me with and even if they were only hugging me goodbye, they could also feel how big I was.

So, obviously, by the time that Zach and I got to the point where we were taking our clothes off each other, he was very aware of my size.

One day, after enjoying our lusty behaviors, we walked upstairs to get some water from the house.  Naked.  And while I was standing in my kitchen drinking water, he looked at me and said, "I'm so glad you're not one of those girls that has to always be covered up."  And I looked at him, laughed, and then continued to drink my water.

I totally used to be that girl.  In fact, his comment kind of took me by surprise - when did I stop being that way?

With every other boyfriend I've had, I've always felt self conscious of my size.  I've always felt that I had to apologize for it somehow by trying harder than another girl would to please her man.  I've tried to arch my back in bed to disguise rolls of chub.  I've pulled their hands away as they were feeling a part of me that felt particularly fat.  And I always wore a bra afterwards in an attempt to erase the memory of the huge floppy things that were where I wished perky boobs would be.

And yet, there I was, in my kitchen without a stitch of clothing on and feeling great.

I am very lucky that the man I'm with loves me.  All of me.  Someday (probably soon) I'll explain how we got to be a couple but for now I'll say that this has been a long time coming.

But I think what is key is that I never could have fully enjoyed that kind of freedom in love (and lust) if I hadn't have been able to be okay with my size first.  See, when I think of being intimate with past boyfriends, I think of all the stuff I mentioned earlier.  Not the emotion behind them wanting to touch me.  My pre-occupation with my own size was a barrier that separated myself from them - even when we weren't wearing anything.

I'm completely okay with my body.  And I'm finally at a place where I realize that I don't need the layer of fat anymore.  I don't need the physical distance from others and I don't need that comfort of isolation.

It's a weird place to be - accepting and non-judgmental of my body and yet having the desire to have it be different.  

This post was initially going to be about something else entirely - but I got sidetracked by my own writing.  I'll finish my thoughts later, but for now I want to share with any one out there that needs to read this right now: it is completely possible to be as big or as thin as you are right now and to still be loved and lusted after.

You are the only thing standing in the way of your own sexuality and sensuality.  If someone that you're with makes you feel "less than" because of how your body looks, dump the mother f*cker already.

For decades, I didn't think it was possible but I'm here to share with you at 36 years of age and in a size 20 body, it is possible and it is fabulous.  I've probably had it many times in my life but was too pre-occupied to fully enjoy it.

Take it from me, embrace your sensuality, shed the bra, snuggle up in the position that is most comfortable, even if it isn't flattering.  Let yourself bask in the glow of the aftermath.

It's so worth it.