Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.

There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.

And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 

But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 

Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes.  Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

History In The Making

I couldn't deal with not having the ability to blog during the day or what is turning into being multiple business trips without taking along another laptop so... I decided to get a new iPad!! So this is the first blog post that I'm writing via my iPad through an app called blogsy. Not sure yet how well it will work, but it's worth a shot - especially since I can't blog via blogger.com because they insist on using flash and the iPad doesn't support that.

So, lets start off by recapping last week's events, shall we?

My sister did indeed get married. And my grandmother died while they were exchanging their vows. No kidding.

The thing is she was in hospice in Chicago so it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was horrible that it happened when it did. I know my dad wished he could've been there. And it was tough because no one wanted to tell my younger sister that she died. Instead, all of us slapped a smile on our faces, indulged in the distraction of our choice, and kept the secret from her. My family is great at that sort of thing - keeping secrets and indulging in distractions. Mine was the cheese plate.

My younger sister found out the next day and I spend hours consoling her via the phone - which was similar to the hours I spent consoling my older sister and father the day before.

I have got to get a good support system of my own.

Joe was great at the wedding and was such a huge help - both to my and my family - as evidenced by his last minute trip to go back to my mom's home to get the alcohol that they left at home 30 minutes before the wedding started. He's a trooper.

He even started saying things like "our wedding will be much better planned." To me, that meant that he was actually thinking about OUR wedding. To him, he was remarking about the poor planning. It was rhetorical. I found that out at last night's therapy session. To say I'm let down and disappointed is a huge understatement.

What has become clear in the thousands of pictures floating around my family's Facebook pages is that I have gained a lot of weight.

In fact, over the last year, I've gained between 25 and 30 pounds.

There. I wrote it.

(sigh)

A part of me is so frustrated and disappointed in ME. A part of me is reminding myself of all the stress I've had in the last year. A part of me doesn't think that's an excuse at all. A part of me is completely petrified of comments saying "I told you so." A part of me wants to tell those people to go f&ck themselves.

But more than that, I know I should do something about it. I just feel so far away from the success I had last year. I feel like a failure. I've been acting like one.

(sigh)

So what do I do now?

Well, the first step is to decide if I really want to do anything about it or not. Some days I'm not sure.

Of course I want to be thinner. Of course I want to be healthier. But I don't want to do the work some days.

Here's what I do know, I want to enjoy life more than what I do now. I want to have more energy. I want to get out in the sunshine more often. I want to do things for me again. I want to turn off the tv more. I want to have pride in my looks again.

I want to enjoy MY life and myself more.

I think that if that is truly my goal, I can find ways to do that. Maybe it isn't running right now. Maybe it's taking a pottery class and getting out there more; finding a way to take pride in myself and my abilities. Maybe it's trying a yoga class. Maybe it's walking in the sunshine at the park nearest my work on way home one day.

Somehow, in the midst of surgeries, weddings, deaths, changing jobs, and waiting for boyfriends to come around, I've lost ME.

It's about time I find myself again. Honoring my true self probably means I'll be happier and I bet that when I start finding myself again, I'll find that I don't need the food to push down my unhappiness.

Or at least, that's my hope.

Perseverance, Week 2: Less Sugar

Last week, I mentioned that the idea of small changes adding up to big lifestyle changes was a motivator for me.  My small change from last week was that I was going to start adding in more water to my daily life.

So how'd I do?  Well, pretty good.  My facility doesn't have ice (I KNOW, what do they think we are, animals?!?) so water is less temping than before.  BUT they do have fairly cold water fountains.  So I've been making frequent trips to the water fountain throughout the day to put water in my nalgene bottle (cartoon drawing of it to the right).  I learned quickly to not fill it up, as I typically don't drink the whole thing before it gets warm.

Week 1?  Success!

For the second week, I really wanted to focus on something that I think will help me in the long run AND the short run:  To cut down on sweets.

This is a tough one for me - especially lately.  I've been craving sweets more and more...and there seems to be something to the idea that the more you have of something, the more your body craves it - especially with sweets.

So this week, as impossible as it might feel, I'm going to limit my refined sugar as much as possible.

The hardest thing to do is to cut out the sugar in my coffee, but I think I'm breaking free of that.  Today, after two mugfuls of coffee, I still had only used less than half of a Sweet N' Low packet.  Next, I need to watch the dessert offerings that I've been having after dinner.  A few Milk Duds are turning into a few handfuls...and what's worse, they're not even being mindfully consumed.

Last night, on the way home from work, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some delicious blackberries and honeycrisp apples, two of my most favorite fruits.  This way, when I'm armed with something sweet for after dinner, I can have a healthy portion of fruit instead of my usual scouring for something artificial.


So I (selfishly) can have some inspiration for a change next week, what is something small you're working on this week or have had success in?