Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Success by any other name...

Well, I weighed in this morning and I'm down another 1.6 pounds - making a total loss year since mid-April at just under 17 pounds.  I thought I'd feel really great about adding a ticker bar at the top of my page...because YAY!  16.6 pounds is great!  Only then I saw visually just how far I have to go and that was a bit depressing.

I think I don't see myself as big as I really am.  When I think of myself, I still envision the person almost 50 pounds lighter - the person who could go into any store and buy something that would fit (Abercrombie & Fitch doesn't count).  I was that person in 2009.  

And then sometimes things will happen and I'll remember all over again that I'm not as small as I think I am.

Like when I see a picture of myself full body view.  Or like when I ask that the person take it landscape-wise instead of portrait-wise (using the excuse that we want a close up of our faces!).

Or when I sit down in some movie seats and it's a bit more snug than what I remember it being.  Or when I sit in some chairs at restaurants and I'm keenly aware of how the side arm supports are digging into my chubby thighs.

Or like last night when I was watching an episode of "Dexter" and saw an actress wearing an attractive dress - one that really showed off the female form - and I realized that I would look *completely* different in it than she did.

But most of the time, I'm blissfully unaware of the rolls of chub on my back or of my tummy showing when I write higher up on white boards at work.

Sometimes I think that I've been yearning for my goal weight for so long that I'm not even sure I believe it's attainable any more.  I've been that weight exactly once in my life - and it was when I was younger and gaining weight right past that number.  It's a number so out of touch with my reality that I can't even relate any longer.  Does that even make sense?

I'm wondering if I should stop focusing on that weight and instead pick a good NEXT goal. Like I'd like to get below the next weight bar on a manual scale at the doctor's office.  I'd like to be able to go in for my next appointment and not have to say "it's the next one up" when they guess incorrectly at the first two numbers of my weight.

Perhaps I shouldn't focus on weight at all...instead go by the next pants size that I want to be.

All I really know is that I want to look and feel more healthy.  I want to be happy when I see my engagement and wedding photos and I want to be healthy so that getting pregnant (and healing from the c-section) isn't as much of a struggle.

I know that I'm on the right path.  I know that I'm doing it...perhaps one more step (or one less bite) at a time.  I know that I have the power to lose weight choosing to have more of a calorie deficit or by kicking my metabolism into a higher gear.

What do you all do?  Do you focus on your end goal?  Do you focus solely on the next smaller goal?  Is it weight based?  Size based? 

How do you define success?