An update

Hi!

I've appreciated your comments over the last 9 months.  I've sat down to write an update many times, but when I stare at the blank screen and start to try to figure out what to type, my mind goes blank.  Do I update everyone?  Do I jump into things as they are right now - as if no time has passed?

I'm going to do a bit of both.

I made the decision to not see a therapist anymore.  I haven't seen her in many months - and even then it was two sessions to check in about my methodology about a situation.  Ultimately, I realized I didn't need her advice - because I had the answers in myself - or her affirmation - because my good feelings about it were enough.

In fact, I think that's the best way to sum up my life.  Working on me, working on reinforcing positive behaviors, working on strengthening my inner voice and becoming more secure with who I am, what I want, and healthy ways to do it.

My house has has several issues (current one is black mold in the basement as a byproduct of water that we have NO idea where it's coming from) but each time I've handled the issues being as calm as I could be and recognizing the anxiety when it's popped up.

I've done a LOT of dating in the past 9 months. I used to be more vocal about the dates and especially about the train wrecks I met but when I went back to the place where I graduated high school (over Christmas) I ran into a few people that I was Facebook friends with.  They would say things like "I love your terrible dating stories!  They're so funny!" and that made me wonder if I was being pitied.  Moreover, it made me wonder if I was bringing a lot of this on myself.  I stopped posting terrible dating stories and started focusing on raising the bar of people I chose to date.  I looked at past relationships, realized my part in them (both the good and the bad), and then decided to change my actions - in a healthy and self-respecting way.

I've pulled away, in some ways, significantly, from people that I just don't feel good around.  I've basically categorized people in energy-givers and energy-takers in my mind.  And I've made conscious efforts to build relationships with those that feed me energy and positivity in healthy ways; those that I give the same things back to.

I've changed so much since I started this blog.  My mindset is completely different.  I stand up for myself.  I respect others but their opinion isn't more valid than my own.  I don't binge.  I don't feel shame towards myself.  I love myself.  I'm not nervous or anxious in normal situations.  I don't feel the compulsion to help others to the determent of myself.


And you know what?  That is so much because of YOU.  This blog has been instrumental in making me feel heard and validated.  It helped greatly to voice my concerns, my worries, my secrets, and my failures.  It's almost like I had this backlog of issues and words that had to come streaming forth.  I needed sympathy. I needed reassurance.  I needed you.

So before I go any further, THANK YOU.  Thank you for caring - in many cases about a stranger - enough to write and comment; enough to befriend me.  I didn't have to be funny - I didn't have to be anything I wasn't at that very moment.  I just was me.  And it was good enough.

So now what?  Well, I am in love.  I'm living with someone and it's by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been involved in.  I'm happy in my job; I work for a company that rewards and validates my work. 

And I'm fat.  No really, I am.

I've gained back every ounce of weight I had once lost.  In my defense, I've lost about 10 pounds in the last few months by being contentious of what I was putting in my mouth and trying to move more.

I no longer have a the extreme emotional connection to food like I once did.  I think I'm actually now one of those people that just needs to concentrate on any program and work it until I get in a more healthy range.  I'm trying to decide how I want to do that - if it's by joining Weight Watchers again or just staying on myfitnesspal.com and finding friends there.

What I do know is that I want to be healthier. I miss running. I miss not having to push out booth tables from my belly.  I miss not getting winded when trying to be active. 

And I miss reading your blogs.  I miss having the connection here too.  (side note: Google Reader went away...how do I capture all the streams of blogs that I want to read - those that are not all necessarily through blogspot?)

So I'm going to post - though I'm not sure how regularly.   And I'm going to make my outside match my inside - healthier. :)

Much love,
me

History In The Making

I couldn't deal with not having the ability to blog during the day or what is turning into being multiple business trips without taking along another laptop so... I decided to get a new iPad!! So this is the first blog post that I'm writing via my iPad through an app called blogsy. Not sure yet how well it will work, but it's worth a shot - especially since I can't blog via blogger.com because they insist on using flash and the iPad doesn't support that.

So, lets start off by recapping last week's events, shall we?

My sister did indeed get married. And my grandmother died while they were exchanging their vows. No kidding.

The thing is she was in hospice in Chicago so it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was horrible that it happened when it did. I know my dad wished he could've been there. And it was tough because no one wanted to tell my younger sister that she died. Instead, all of us slapped a smile on our faces, indulged in the distraction of our choice, and kept the secret from her. My family is great at that sort of thing - keeping secrets and indulging in distractions. Mine was the cheese plate.

My younger sister found out the next day and I spend hours consoling her via the phone - which was similar to the hours I spent consoling my older sister and father the day before.

I have got to get a good support system of my own.

Joe was great at the wedding and was such a huge help - both to my and my family - as evidenced by his last minute trip to go back to my mom's home to get the alcohol that they left at home 30 minutes before the wedding started. He's a trooper.

He even started saying things like "our wedding will be much better planned." To me, that meant that he was actually thinking about OUR wedding. To him, he was remarking about the poor planning. It was rhetorical. I found that out at last night's therapy session. To say I'm let down and disappointed is a huge understatement.

What has become clear in the thousands of pictures floating around my family's Facebook pages is that I have gained a lot of weight.

In fact, over the last year, I've gained between 25 and 30 pounds.

There. I wrote it.

(sigh)

A part of me is so frustrated and disappointed in ME. A part of me is reminding myself of all the stress I've had in the last year. A part of me doesn't think that's an excuse at all. A part of me is completely petrified of comments saying "I told you so." A part of me wants to tell those people to go f&ck themselves.

But more than that, I know I should do something about it. I just feel so far away from the success I had last year. I feel like a failure. I've been acting like one.

(sigh)

So what do I do now?

Well, the first step is to decide if I really want to do anything about it or not. Some days I'm not sure.

Of course I want to be thinner. Of course I want to be healthier. But I don't want to do the work some days.

Here's what I do know, I want to enjoy life more than what I do now. I want to have more energy. I want to get out in the sunshine more often. I want to do things for me again. I want to turn off the tv more. I want to have pride in my looks again.

I want to enjoy MY life and myself more.

I think that if that is truly my goal, I can find ways to do that. Maybe it isn't running right now. Maybe it's taking a pottery class and getting out there more; finding a way to take pride in myself and my abilities. Maybe it's trying a yoga class. Maybe it's walking in the sunshine at the park nearest my work on way home one day.

Somehow, in the midst of surgeries, weddings, deaths, changing jobs, and waiting for boyfriends to come around, I've lost ME.

It's about time I find myself again. Honoring my true self probably means I'll be happier and I bet that when I start finding myself again, I'll find that I don't need the food to push down my unhappiness.

Or at least, that's my hope.