Friday, August 19, 2011

Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.
And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.
There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.
Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.
For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?
But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.
So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”
Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.
Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.
And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.
For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.
And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 
But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 
But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.
The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”
Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 
Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?
Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?
Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?
Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?
Yes.  Now.
I’ve got some big decisions, people.
And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.
I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 
The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 
The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.
Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 
I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.
For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.


Ty said...

I liked this post a lot.

It's easy to get caught up in numbers and followers and competition and forget that writing is supposed to be cathartic.

At least for me it's always been an outlet.

I like that you bared your soul a little and that it helped you make some realizations.

I hope you make the changes necessary to find happiness amongst and inside of the crazy.

Sam said...

Oh my dear Anne, I just want to rush over there an give you a HUGE hug! It sounds like you've got some tough tough stuff on your plate right now.

I know exactly how you feel about your friends not giving as much as you do. I feel the same way sometimes and it's so painful. In fact I just made a decision this week to stop chasing one friend in particular because of that exact same thing! Because all it does is drag me down.

As for the Joe and the baby thing, sigh. I don't have any great words of wisdom. Just sending you my love and know that I'll be praying for you that you'll be able to make the right decision for ANNE! Is it possible to have your eggs um.... stored? I mean frozen? I'm not sure about all that, but maybe that's an option until your ready to be mommy?

What ever you do, to thine own self be true!! If you need to chat ever, please feel free to e-mail or call me! I'll just listen and love!


Jams said...

Anne - I wish I could squeeze you! This post (as all of your posts are) is awesome. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you coming to the conclusion that you have to do what's right by you... and that you're making strides in figuring out what exactly that is.

It's so true that "calm" is unobtainable... We have to learn to love ourselves and life the way it's happening..

You are a beautiful person and I have no doubt that you are going to figure out exactly how you need to be loved... and that you'll learn to love who you are, no matter who that ends up being! :)

Gina said...

I heard on the radio this morning that maybe a heartbreaking end to a relationship was meant in order to avoid a heartbreaking marriage to someone...thought it was timely with reading your post (don't take that in any way as advice as I know nothing about what's best for you).

It's amazing how many directions you're being pulled in right now, but I believe you're 100% right in that you can't wait for your life to be calm in order to make some decisions. You do control your own happiness (ie your attitude towards life, not what happens to you).

Have you ever thought about joining a women's group (like a small group or bible study, not knowing your spiritual beliefs)? I've been in one for a year & a half now & it seems the people that seek that out are like-minded in that they want relationships that they can invest in & enjoy the return favors of encouragement, generousity, etc. Just a thought.

You're in my prayers,


Anonymous said...

FWIW, I read that post about finding what you want, and I thought it was great! I don't often post comments on people's blogs because I've been swamped lately, and my guess is you probably have a lot more lurkers than you know! Having said all that, I thought this post was powerful, and one that I can relate to so much. Sending you all kinds of positive energy and hoping that you find that inner peace. I think you are so right on that score!

Mandy said...

I was moved by this post. I have fertility issues (PCOS) having to do with being overweight, and every year it becomes less likely that I'll be able to have kids. While having kids is all I've ever wanted.

Growing up I was sure that I would better my life (coming from an abusive background myself), graduate from college, and live the American Dream.

Unfortunately, only the graduating college part is accomplished so far.

Anyway, the things you said really hit home with me, and I'm encouraged by your resolution.

Thanks for this. You've got me thinking, and I've more to say, but I'll wax excessive on my own blog rather than take up a bunch of real estate on yours talking about myself! :)

Instead, I'll leave you with this:

I don't know if you ever watched that show Firefly (I know I'm a total nerd to apply the wisdom from a sci fi show to real life), but there's a great quote that a character says about having a baby when life isn't exactly perfect. She says, "I ain't so afraid of losin' somethin' that I ain't gonna try to have it."

For a television show, it's a pretty profound statement, and one that always spoke to me. I thought you would probably "get it" too.

Good luck to you.

Lyn said...

Wow. This is a profound post. You are growing in leaps and bounds and I don't know if you see it yet. But your maturity and insight has really grown in the past year or two. I am so glad you keep sharing here.

And yeah, you are SO worth linking to and I am sure you touch more people than you realise. Only a tiny percentage of blog readers actually comment :)

Hugs to you and I look forward to seeing where you take things.

Dillypoo said...

Well, hell. I've typed and deleted several replies that were all too trite. "LIfe is a journey" and "growing pains aren't just for children" and crap like that. Bad prose sucks even in comments.

It's OK to want validation from those around you and on the interwebs, but the only opinion that really matters is yours. Learn to love, accept and respect yourself and others will do the same. And if they don't, then their loss.

Strength to you, my dear! And hugs.

Kris said...

Wow! I was not expecting that end to your blog. But, I am glad you typed it and I know that you mean it. I am glad to read that the time, for you, is now. It is. It is!!! The time is now because you are good enough, you are worth it, and, there is only one you, so you gotta take care of YOU!!!!!
I a so glad to be following you on this journey!

Twix said...

"I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again. Complete tranquility is unobtainable. The goal is to be happy riding through the waves. And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas. Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control. I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life. Just the way it is."

LOVE THIS! :D Beautiful, thanks!

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful, meaningful, honest post. Thank you for sharing it. Listen to your heart, and remember that your body is connected to it.

Vb said...

I have been waiting for this post for months now. I believe you are strong. I also believe you know exactly what you need to do. And I have so much admiration for you right now.

Chubby McGee said...

I'm sending big hugs your way, dear.

You certainly do have many decisions to make, but I'm very certain you'll make all the correct ones. You know you best.

Alicia said...

Hi--I love all your posts, but I don't always comment. I do understand how you feel about the stats though. I think the only people who read my blog are my relatives.

I really wanted to say that I've read about your emotional progress (for a while now) & I'm so glad you are here. Please know I'm not trying to be harsh here, but Joe not being sure about you has always driven me INSANE! Like WHAT? I think it is definitely you that needs to not be sure about him. You are a beautiful person on the inside & out & you should NEVER have to wait around for someone to love you the way you want them, too. This is your life & we only get one & its short. There are TONS of men who would LOVE to spend time with you & love you as you deserve. Wasting another day on Joe is far too long & if I were you I would walk and not run.


BTW, I'm really sorry about the cyst & other things you're facing as well.

Alicia in Texas

Alicia said...

I really do know the English language, I promise. I had several grammatical errors in my comment & that drives me crazy!

Also, I meant RUN do not WALK!

Flabby McGee said...

Wow. I am hugging you from over here. I'm truly sorry I haven't been a better bloggy friend, like I know you have been to me. I could say a hundred things, but sometimes people don't want advice. they just want a big ole "that sucks, and I'm sorry." So...that sucks. And I'm sorry. But also I'm proud of you. I've read you on and off for a year now - and I see you growing and learning that YOU is worth YOU. Keep on going, pain or no - and pat yourself on the back. You have many who watch, read and care. :)

Lily Fluffbottom said...

All there is is now. I think if we waited for that perfect time to start making things happen, nothing ever would. When I get caught up in how much everything is changing, or the fact that things aren't changing as quickly as I'd like them to be, its nice to just sit back, and get some perspective, but remembering to continue going forward. Not just remembering to go forward, but to actually do so.