Head games

Tuesday evening I went home with a massive headache. Unfortunately, the only thing I had to combat it was a muscle relaxer and some pain meds. So that's what I took - hoping that it would be gone in the morning.

Sadly, it was there when I woke up.

I'd like to sit here and type all of the ways that I was awesome at coping with it. But I didn't do well. I snacked on things that I had bought on Tuesday night that I *KNEW* were bad for me. You know what I'm talking about...the things that you buy when you're not in your right mind. I call them "Red Light Foods" - things that I can't have just one of. For me, they're anything between Tostito's pizzas, to peanut butter chips (like the kind you bake with), to certain types of ice cream, to Goldfish XTRA Cheddar crackers. I can (and have) binged on just about everything, but with these foods I know it's inevitable.

Usually I'm able to tell myself to not pick them up. Usually I use stalling techniques, diversion techniques, and anything else in my trick bag to not even get them in my cart - or certainly not home.

Tuesday night I didn't win the fight. I went home with a box of 100 calorie packages of Fudge Grahams (perfect for dipping in peanut butter), a box of 100 calorie packs of Goldfish Xtra Cheddar packages, and a bag of Honey BBQ Fritos. Between Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon they were gone.

Every last crumb eaten.

Apparently, when I'm in pain - especially with something that is as unrelenting as a constant headache - I eat.

Part of me knows that at most I had six servings of the fudge cookies and the goldfish crackers (since they were in 100 calorie bags) and therefore that's not bad. Not buying a whole package of the normal sized ones was a compromise. But the other part of me targets the thoughtless and mindless eating - and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to put down the snacks and do anything else other than eat.

I'm disappointed.

I *do* want to lose weight. I *do* want to feel in control of myself and my relationship with food. I *do* want to achieve something - even if just for the self-confidence boost. And for Chrissakes, I *DO* want to reach 60 pounds gone soon.

I'm not quite sure what the solution to all of this is.

Today I'm back at work (I called in sick yesterday) and am working even with my bad headache (it is better than yesterday though). I ate my sensible breakfast. I drank some green tea in hopes that that minimal amount of caffeine would help my headache.

I even packed stuff for a run at lunch even though it's 40 degrees and just about the last thing I want to do today.

I am, what they call in any 12 step program, acting "as if". I'm acting as if I'm in control of my relationship with food right now.

To anyone looking at me from the outside, I've had a 7 point breakfast (well within my limits). I've had a snack of sliced apples. In an hour I'll have run a few miles. I'll then have my packed lunch of 4 points. I look like I've got my crap together.

But on the inside, visions of Blizzards, mozzarella sticks, and fast food burgers are dancing in my throbbing head. These visions are taunting me - because I know after I eat them, I *will* feel better, if even only for a little bit.

So today, I'm not the ideal weight loss example. But I'm going to try to act as if I am...and perhaps that will get me through the day - at least until this headache eases.