Thursday, January 21, 2010

Head games

Tuesday evening I went home with a massive headache. Unfortunately, the only thing I had to combat it was a muscle relaxer and some pain meds. So that's what I took - hoping that it would be gone in the morning.

Sadly, it was there when I woke up.

I'd like to sit here and type all of the ways that I was awesome at coping with it. But I didn't do well. I snacked on things that I had bought on Tuesday night that I *KNEW* were bad for me. You know what I'm talking about...the things that you buy when you're not in your right mind. I call them "Red Light Foods" - things that I can't have just one of. For me, they're anything between Tostito's pizzas, to peanut butter chips (like the kind you bake with), to certain types of ice cream, to Goldfish XTRA Cheddar crackers. I can (and have) binged on just about everything, but with these foods I know it's inevitable.

Usually I'm able to tell myself to not pick them up. Usually I use stalling techniques, diversion techniques, and anything else in my trick bag to not even get them in my cart - or certainly not home.

Tuesday night I didn't win the fight. I went home with a box of 100 calorie packages of Fudge Grahams (perfect for dipping in peanut butter), a box of 100 calorie packs of Goldfish Xtra Cheddar packages, and a bag of Honey BBQ Fritos. Between Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon they were gone.

Every last crumb eaten.

Apparently, when I'm in pain - especially with something that is as unrelenting as a constant headache - I eat.

Part of me knows that at most I had six servings of the fudge cookies and the goldfish crackers (since they were in 100 calorie bags) and therefore that's not bad. Not buying a whole package of the normal sized ones was a compromise. But the other part of me targets the thoughtless and mindless eating - and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to put down the snacks and do anything else other than eat.

I'm disappointed.

I *do* want to lose weight. I *do* want to feel in control of myself and my relationship with food. I *do* want to achieve something - even if just for the self-confidence boost. And for Chrissakes, I *DO* want to reach 60 pounds gone soon.

I'm not quite sure what the solution to all of this is.

Today I'm back at work (I called in sick yesterday) and am working even with my bad headache (it is better than yesterday though). I ate my sensible breakfast. I drank some green tea in hopes that that minimal amount of caffeine would help my headache.

I even packed stuff for a run at lunch even though it's 40 degrees and just about the last thing I want to do today.

I am, what they call in any 12 step program, acting "as if". I'm acting as if I'm in control of my relationship with food right now.

To anyone looking at me from the outside, I've had a 7 point breakfast (well within my limits). I've had a snack of sliced apples. In an hour I'll have run a few miles. I'll then have my packed lunch of 4 points. I look like I've got my crap together.

But on the inside, visions of Blizzards, mozzarella sticks, and fast food burgers are dancing in my throbbing head. These visions are taunting me - because I know after I eat them, I *will* feel better, if even only for a little bit.

So today, I'm not the ideal weight loss example. But I'm going to try to act as if I am...and perhaps that will get me through the day - at least until this headache eases.


Margie M. said...

I've been a master of deception with a long of things in my life and food was the biggest. You open up about it on your blog and that is a positive thing. Back in the 70's and 80's when I was at my worst, we didn't having blogging. Heck, we didn't even have home computers (that's how old I am)! Keep working at not buying the *bad food, red light foods* and bringing them home with you. You're doing awesome.

Kellie said...

Every now and then we all have a moment where we misstep.

You were in pain and you reached out for your comfort foods. The red light foods that you know will make you trip on your journey.

The thing is, it was one moment and now it's passed. You have taken steps to correct it and you're fighting to get back on track. And you will.

I just *know* that you can do it. Your blog was the very first "gettin' healthy" blog that I read. And I was (and still very much am) astounded by your energy and excitement for the whole process.

You can do it, and soon we will be celebrating the fact that your fun pants have gotten even smaller! :)


Amy Pousson said...

You know what else the 12-steppers say? "Fake it 'til you make it."

How that works for me is to behave "as if" and tell myself that even though I am thinking about blizzards, I am proud of myself for eating sensibly instead.

Ultimately, everyone slips. I certainly have this week. It's only bad if you don't pick yourself up and keep heading in the direction you ultimately want to be heading.

Anonymous said...

sometimes it's about calling yourself out publicly. letting other people see your imperfections. it's then that you can get support, can hear others tell you that you're not alone, and lean on the rest of us.

use this as a learning experience. as something that you won't repeat. as a way not to convince yourself that you don't have issues with your redlight foods.

the other day, I passed a lady in the hallway carrying and eating a little bag of cheetos. I actually thought of the shoes I was wearing and wondered if I could outrun her if I took her cheetos. I didn't take them. and i was reminded of how weak I am with some foods. and that's okay. I can't be strong everywhere. and I just don't go where I'm not strong (i.e. the cookie or chip aisle in the grocery store. or the hospital gift shop because they sell real ice cream).

just get right back up, girl. that's just what we do.

Traci Michele said...

I've been discouraged too... I've hurt my foot and can't exercise.

I'm an all or nothing person. I have to fix that. I still can make wise choices about what food to eat, even though I can't exercise like I want to.

Found you over at scale junkie! Nice to meet you.

My health blog is:


Florida Food Snob said...

Getting off track and making bad choices is part of the learning process. What is important is what do you today, tomorrow and the days to follow. Kudos for the workout! Healthy thoughts = healthy actions