Tuesday, November 23, 2010

New Craptastic Post (now with 25 percent more crap!)

My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas.  I find it hard to give them an answer...mostly because at the end of September, when I found out that I had the uterine fibroid that needed to be removed via surgery, I started living in a countdown mode to the surgery date.

And then, I had every expectation that I would be in countdown mode again for when I would be better.

But the last four weeks since the surgery have been painful and, although I probably am getting better (in minuscule amounts), I'm still not healed.

It's hard for me to recognize that Thanksgiving is a few days away and that Christmas is just around the corner.  How can that be?  I'm not ready.  I'm not doing better.

I STILL have an infection and an open wound at the incision site.  I'm still on antibiotics and now have a fun yeast infection to add to the mix (due to being on all of these antibiotics).  Yogurt wasn't able to stave it off.

Last Wednesday, when I went in for my second appointment of the week, my OB looked at the wound and sighed and said "It's not any worse, but it's not getting better.  What is going on?"  I don't know.  She got the other doctor and nurse practitioner in the office to look at it.  They are stumped too.  My surgeon (that I saw on last Friday) said I'm the first patient with complications in over 7 years.  And I'm the first that had a wound that won't close up in longer than that.  No one gets why it's so slow to heal.  I don't have diabetes, my blood work is great.  I don't smoke and I eat healthfully.  My weight is the only contributing factor.

It's a wake up call, but one that I can't do anything about right now.

I feel helpless.

The wound (which is at the natural crease that everyone has from sitting - it's right in that bendy area) is starting to heal bit by bit (ever so slowly), but the best way to get it to heal is to have it exposed to air.  Know what that involves?  Taping up my stomach chub to the upper part of my body.  I can't tell you the mental toll that that action takes on me daily.  I have to pull up a part of my body that I think is disgusting and tape it to other parts of my body just so they won't touch.

It's completely humiliating.  I'm taping my extra skin and residual fat from 55 pounds ago.  Every day, I'm aware of what I did to myself by eating to numb.  And every day, I'm aware of how far I have to still go.

At first, it worked okay (no, the wound wasn't healing, but I was able to tape my chub and skin up to allow it to breathe).  But my fair skin (that in those parts have never seen the light of day), is pretty sensitive.  So everytime I take off the "no hurt" paper tape, I get a painful welt on my stomach.

Sunday, after two weeks of doing this to myself with little progress in the healing, my stomach decided to not take it any more,  when the tape was removed, it ended up tearing off the upper layers of my skin too - leaving a few raw spots (yes, those are now bloody and weeping) too.

So now I have to tape around those raw wounds...which means that I can't lift the sagging skin as well to air it.  Which (you guessed it) means that it won't heal as quickly as before.  And let's be clear, it's not like the healing was fast then.

Part of me wants to post about how thankful I am for life, for my life, and for all things.  I logically know that I have a blessed life and that I have so much to feel thankful for.

But the other part of me is tired of plastering this smile on my face.  That part of me just wants the complications to stop.  That part of me is tired of hobbling around, of being in pain, and of having another thing that is going wrong. 

What's more, I can't do much about it.  I can't make it better.  I can't will my body to heal faster.  I'm doing all I can and it's still not getting better - at least not noticeably better.  And I can't do much to dissipate the stress.  In fact, right now I'm visiting my dad and sisters in Chicago - and have already felt like I've had to referee two fights.  I arrived yesterday afternon.  They just starting getting into it downstairs so I left and came up to the room I'm staying in to try to get away from it.

A year ago, I would've turned to food.  But I'm proud that that hasn't been what I've been doing.  I won't say that I've only eaten when I was hungry every time since the surgery...but that's been my goal.

Six months ago, I would've turned to exercise via running or DVDs like the "30 Day Shred" in a stressful situation.  But I can't do that either.

And yet, I'm still down 6 pounds from my surgery day.  I know that means that I'm doing something right...even if I can't fit into anything other than sweatpants because I'm still swollen around my abdomen.

I'm tired.  I'm weary.  But I'm here. 

I miss catching up on your blogs.  But I'm realistic enough to realize that I'm just experiencing some situational depression.  I can't bring myself out of the fog enough to read your blogs and put a thoughtful or optimistic spin on your doings.  I hate that.  I hate that I can't be as good of a follower or friend as the kind and thoughtful women (you know who you are!) that have left faithful comments.  I feel guilty that I'm not giving back.

I'm just spent.  I'm at the point where I feel that if I lose a few followers or subscribers, so be it. 

I just can't do more than what I'm doing right now.  I'm treading water, but it's taking a lot of energy to do that.

I know.  This isn't a happy fun post.  I hate that too.  But I felt like I should give you guys SOMETHING to read since last week...even if just to say, I'm here and hanging in there.

Logically, I know I'm thankful.  And I know I will heal eventually.  

But in the meantime, I'm struggling with a positive attitude (gee, you think?) and that has to be okay too.


Allan said...

All that, and I feel so bad for you, and you are worried about followers ? Too funny, I peed a little in my pants.. Get well. Rest up, it will be great, and you are a trooper.. Want some more followers, I can send my posse over if ya need numbers..

Princess Dieter said...

I'm gonna put a link up, but this is NOT SPAM,, I swear. I'm in Allan's Challenge and everything, got blogs. So, here:

Get online info them take it to your doc for their okay and then try the 16+ or higher Manuka honey. This sucker works

My hubby had a deep surgical wound that was taking forever to heal, months and month. I finally got frustrated and decided to try the honey (which I thought sounded a bit nuts, but hey, it's natural and bees make it, so how bad can it be?) It worked. Healing sped up amazingly and the wound closed up.

Check with the doc, but it's worth a shot, right? And it's cheaper than antibiotis. Just need to read up on how to properly apply it (and how often, changing the dressing, etc). We used this one:

Smells medicinal, not honeyish. Don't eat it (although people do take it to heal ulcers and reflux). Well, okay, eat it if you have those conditions...but I think it smells really medicinal and it must taste awful. But it spreads like a thickish honey and worked beautifully.

Feel better!
The Princess

Princess Dieter said...

Oh, and in checking your sugar, did the doctor do MORE than just the usual blood glucose test. Have them do the Insulin one, cause sometimes, it's not enough to do the glucose. Um, okay, I shaddup now. And I'm assuming they already did the path for the particular icky thing infecting? RIght?

Maggie said...

As Eckhart Tolle says, "This too shall pass."

You're gonna get through it. You will heal. You will have babies.

And look at where you're turning towards yourself (rather than away, which was your habit): you're claiming where you are even though you're anticipating that it won't be popular (and from this reader: you don't need to take care of us readers, we read for truth, not for anything else), you're feeling and experiencing the crap rather than eating over it, you're working with what you've got. There's glimmering within the darkness.

AND it's okay to notice how dark it is. It's okay to complain. Joan Borysenko calls it power whining. It's cathartic and it's justified. No fun here. Got it. I can be with you in this dark place.

Princess Dieter said...

okay, so I guess I'm not gonna shaddup just yet: make sure to get your zinc and Vitamin C as you probably know, important for wound healing. I never (almost) get ienough zinc in my diet, so I have to supplement. I saw a difference in hair/skin. I guess I had been deficient and didn't know it. When sick and stressed (you're both), you need the stress vitamins. B, C...

And maybe research or ask your doc about IV Vitamin C. No kidding. Might help. Worth researching and inquiring.

Please don't throw anything at me for multiple commenting obnoxiousness. I suffer from chronic illness crap and depression episodes (since childhood), so I always feel expecially bad when a blogger is going through BOTH those things. :(


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

I agree with Maggie - don't worry about losing followers or readers...when you're ready to come back we'll still be here!

Oh my, I just don't what I could say to make you feel better. Would it be worth it to get a second opinion on the poor wound healing? That is a long time to have an open incision (like I need to tell you!). You and your poor body just can't catch a break :(

When I was sick/had surgery last year, I remember looking at how easily everyone who was well could move around and function. I envied their pain-free lives.

It was a big reminder that, as the saying goes, "A healthy person has many wishes. A sick person has only one" - to get better!

I really hope things start to turn around for you. I admire how you haven't eaten your face off through all this.

Like Princess Dieter, diabetes crossed my mind in your descriptions...delayed and compromised wound healing is definitely a part of all that. Is it possible you are borderline diabetic and they need to look at insulin resistance???

Just wondering...

I hope, hope, hope things start to go your way soon.


Karen said...

Oh this is so not happy pants or fun pants:( Hugs.

Polar's Mom said...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and possibly gives you a yeast infection, too. Don't fret, lassie. Don't waste energy on a positive mood, use it for healing! We will all be here and if you want to chat negatively, just email, I'm a good person to vent to...
Polar's Mom

Jams said...

Take care of yourself. Don't feed the feelings and know that we will be here waiting for you when you are able to return. Whenever that is. I will be hoping that the healing takes a turn for the better... sooner than later!

Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving.

How I'm Losing It said...

Sweetie, hang in there! You are a real trouper! and it will get better.

Just a thought: after I had my kids (C-section, both) I got this elastic-velcro thingie to wrap around my belly and hold things together. It was about 12-14 inches wide and however long and wrapped all the way around my belly. It had two overlapping panels with velcro on them that basically held everything in place. The fabric was soft all over, making it reasonably comfortable. Do you think something like that might help for holding things up and out of the way?

The Incredible Shrinking Woman said...

Girl, send me your email. Seriously. I can sympathize. I can tell you the story about my lumpectomy, and then if nothing else you will know you are not alone!

And you can't always have happy fun posts- don't pressure yourself to be something you aren't today!
The person who unfollows you has no heart. I give them my virtual evil eye...

Fat Bridesmaid said...

I have no magic words. I wish I did.

Hang in there, sweets. It's going to get better. It will. Like everything else in life you just have to keep showing up and fighting the good fight.

I'm pulling for you.

Lanie Painie said...

oh honey . . .nobody expects your pants to be fun OR happy at a time like this. I personally, don't even expect you to WEAR pants.

I'm only about 3 1/2 hours from you. I can pick up Mandy on the way and come rescue you if you need us! I'm just a phone call away!

I know you're not worried about losing followeres . . . you miss your friends and you miss YOURSELF and the way you want things to be.

Waiting SUCKS.

Anonymous said...

You aren't feeding it, that's SO important. I'm thinking of you.
Poor gingersnap! :-(

Kendra said...

Oh my goodness. Please do not worry about losing followers! We are all here, waiting for you to feel better, hoping that you feel better soon. Waiting for more happy fun pants. In the meantime, sending hugs. Cause I'm a hugger. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. =)

Kris said...

...and....it is ok!
I am proud to call you my friend and I will follow you to the ends of the earth on this journey, even if I am a day or so behind! Your true followers, your true friends and the people you have truly touched will not be lost. They will give you the grace you need and time to let you heal!
Thinking of you.....

kristi said...

What about some band-aids and neosporin? The commercials say that your wounds will heal four days faster. I don't know if that can be extrapolated for wounds that have already lasted 28 days.

I think you are doing great hanging in there and blogging about your feelings provides therapy! We aren't going anywhere! I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving in Chicago.

Jen said...

You poor thing!! Just thinking about all your wounds makes me cringe!! How come it seems when it rains it poors! Hang there friend! I know the healing process is slow but you'll get there, eventually!


Life as a Caterpillar said...

This exact same thing happened to me. The only thing that finally closed my wound, and i know this sounds crazy, was to have it cauterised. I had the surgery 29th Jan, and my wound would still open in May. I saw 4-5 specialists, and finally, once consultant suggested cauterising it. I had this done May 10th, and it finally closed over that week. Until that date, it was a constant weeping mess, infected over and over again, despite daily visits from the nurse to dress it. I know it does not sound pleasant, but it might be something you want to ask for

Good luck

Sam said...

I just adore you girl! I'm praying for you, and I'm with Lanie - why wear pants at all? :) Lots of love and hugs coming your way!