Thursday, July 30, 2009

The beauty of real value (aka the hidden surprise)

When I started in my weight loss journey (you can pick which time I started...there have been plenty!), I used to look to others as a way to figure out how I was doing. If I was losing the most in my meeting (again, pick a time - I've joined Weight Watchers several times!), then I was the
BEST. I won. I was amazing. I rocked.

But using the same logic, when I gained, I sucked. I felt like was a disappointment to everyone. The roller coaster of emotions was hard to keep riding. People kept saying "don't worry about what anyone else is attention to yourself!" And in theory, I understood what they said.

But the thing is, when you don't feel like you have value, it's hard to NOT compare yourself to others. If I only pay attention to what I'm doing how will I know if I'm a success or not? If I don't value myself at all, "beating" others is all I have.

I look back at my life and there are plenty of successes. I wonder how many of those I pushed for because I actually wanted that job or that position...and how many I did it just to try to show others that if I got that job or that position that I was WORTH loving. That somehow with a title next to my name, I might have value.

I realized that I was looking to others for validation of my worth. I've tried to change my thoughts about that. I didn't really know how to go about changing it, but I concentrated on trying to be patient with myself. I concentrated on loving myself. Even, and especially, the very ugly sides of me.

It took this post by Tony to realize that I have changed. I found myself almost shaking my head thinking "he just doesn't get it." Now, his post isn't actually about finding value in himself, but it is a bit of a rant about healthy bloggers, about their commenters, and about cliques within those groups. And what I kept coming back to is, WHY do you care so much about their blogs, their commenters, and the possible "cliques"? I felt the need to comment and let him know that everyone has a different journey. Everyone puts stuff out there on the Internet for someone to read. If it helps a reader, great. But more importantly, isn't it the best when it helps the blogger?

I've worked through ASSLOADS of my own issues by writing this blog. And the comments of support that I have received from you have meant more to me than it probably should (see above). But what's come out of it is that as I've bared my soul about my issues, my food, my issues with food, and my issues with me is that I've realized that I'm okay. I've realized that it will all work out. And here's where I want to cue a Stuart Smalley affirmation.

With that acceptance of myself came the process of valuing of myself.

I'm no longer the fastest loser. In fact, if you've read my blog, you know that I've been the same frickin' weight for months. MONTHS!

But I'm not giving up on ME. So if it takes me 2 more years to lose it, that's okay! Every pound gone, IS a pound GONE -- as in one I never have to see again. Every pound gone is a way to honor my body. Every pound I shed is an indication of me choosing ME, and not my past. It's a symbol of my freedom. It's a symbol of me, caring about me, and not paying attention to others.

It occurred to me that when you value yourself, you stop worrying about what other people are doing. You stop being concerned of being beaten, of being last, and of being the slowest. You start having confidence in who *you* are as a person, worthy of love, beautiful, and wonderful...just the way you were made.

I know. This post sounds rudimentary. And it should be. It'd be easy to blame my dad because he didn't show me love unless I was first, best, fastest... and even then, sometimes he didn't even acknowledge me. It'd be easy to do that - and perhaps that's the root of why I am a pleaser.

I grew up not having the faith in myself that I should. I grew up hungry for that unconditional love, for that acceptance. The problem is that I mistook the hunger for love for the hunger for food. I filled myself up the only way I knew how.

But now that I've acknowledged this, I can work on breaking that link.

This blog, my thoughts, and your comments (both via email and the blog) has been instrumental in my change of my identity. I'm on the cusp of figuring this stuff out...I can feel it.

But until I do, I just want to thank you for reading and for supporting me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: You're the best. You win. You're amazing. You rock. :)


POD said...

Wow, that was a great post. It really resonates with me.

Blogging is a grand resource.
I had no idea there were cliques. I have to go read Tony's post.

owensmomma said...

That was an inspiring post! Absolutely awesome! I have added you to my sidebar and will definitely come back!

Good luck on your journey! :)