Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Recognizing a trigger

LOOOOONG story short, yesterday some of the guys were talking about getting lunch at a restaurant that is owned by someone we know. It's a pizza place and to be honest, I didn't have any strong desire to go, other than to support this guy.

Today, about 10 minutes before lunch started, one of the guys came by my desk to ask if I was still in. I was on the phone so I said yes....and then I started thinking about how I already brought my lunch and I was kind of looking forward to eating it. So, to be honest, I wanted to back out and tried to find the guys after I got off the phone.

Instead I realized that they had already left. Only they didn't tell me.

So after scouring the building for about 10 minutes, I opted to go ahead and take some clothes to Goodwill that are too big for me. I called two of the guys to try to figure out what was going on...one of them actually called me back saying that he was sorry and that they would bring something back. I declined.

The thing is, the Goodwill has a Sonic and a Panda Express really close to it. And so wouldn't you know, as soon as I dropped off the stuff, I forgot completely about the lunch that I wanted about 15 minutes prior to this. Instead, I thought of a ton of things that I wanted at Sonic. And I heart a lot of things at Sonic.

I had already pulled into Sonic when I recognized that I was feeling rejected. The excuse that the guy gave me made a ton of sense - they thought that I knew where the place was, he knew that I was on WW and figured that I probably didn't want the pizza anyway. ALL of those things were true.

But I still felt rejected.

So here I was, my hot car idling in the heat, trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to blow my healthy attitude, but I really need soothing. So I called six people that I know. And got all of their voicemails. And I looked to the huge sign, promising me all sorts of sweet and savory things - my mouth literally began to water. What I wanted to order was the Frito Chili Wrap, mozzerella sticks, and a Butterfinger Blast.

I'd like to say that reason won over. I'd like to say that I backed right out of that space. But I didn't.

I ordered a diet cherry limeade and a junior candy sundae, both of the $1 menu. The sundae was about two baby dallops of soft serve (about a half cup, I'm guessing) with about a small amount of Butterfinger on it. It was delicious...and to be honest, I enjoyed every bite.

The diet cherry limeade? 10 calories. For the whole thing.
The sundae? 4 points.

Now, this is where my shift of thought comes in. See, I could pat myself on the back for picking a better item, for not eating everything I wanted and having the sense to at least recognize that I was feeling rejection. I have plenty of points left in the day that the 4 points will not affect my daily allotment. In fact, this morning was so harried, that I didn't eat what I usually do - so I definitely had the points.

And part of me DOES feel that.

The other part of me recognizes that eating or drinking because I feel rejected is NOT a healthy mindset.

You might think that I feel guilt at that. For DECADES, I would've felt guilt that I wasn't being as healthy as I SHOULD be.

But, this the realization that what I did wasn't healthy actually gets me excited. See, I was missing that link for the last two decades. I didn't understand that it doesn't actually make a huge difference WHAT I eat as much as it does WHY I eat.

I'm excited because now that I have this other small piece of the puzzle, I can go about reforming my actions when I experience feelings - rejection, happiness, shame, guilt, or anger. All of those are okay to feel and I just need to separate the link between feeling and eating.

So yes, I didn't blow the day and I was able to turn away from most of the temptation. But WAY more than that, I'm proud because I am able to recognize what is and is not healthy - regardless of the points values.

People, I'm on my way to figuring this out....to having food be something that sustains my body, not something that feeds my soul.

And yeah, I'm excited.

1 Comment:

POD said...

I hate (the feeling of) rejection. It's so great when we finally recognize it's okay to experience a real feeling and don't necessarily hide the feeling under 12 doz cookies, half a sheetcake, 5 gals of ice cream and a loaf of white break, toasted with butter, oh, and washed down with a gal of chocolate milk. We can feel the feeling and eat what we want in a completely rational way. You know, like other humans?

And good for you with the choices. That's what we are supposed to be able to do. Make choices.