Friday, July 24, 2009

Here's to hoping it's fantastic

Bear with me. It might take a while for me to get to the point, but I'll get there. I promise.

Tonight, the guy that I've been dating is going to come over to my place. Assuming he can get past the smell of my dog/new spray, he'll actually spend some amount of time in my place.

And presumably we'll make out.

Here's the thing, when I went over to his place a few weeks ago, we didn't make out at all. Of course, I immediately assumed that he just wasn't into me. Having dated two guys since being here in Colorado that were, most assuredly, not into my body really did a number in my head. And all it takes is one guy not really wanting to kiss me for me to FREAK OUT.

Probably one of the reasons why I've been single. I struggle with equating physical affection with worth.

Anyway, I decided to confront him about it and to basically ask him what the heck was going on and why the heck didn't he want to kiss me anyway? And he basically said that he wasn't sure if he liked me like that yet...that he reserves those kind of actions for a different stage. In my mind, we'd been on 6 dates and I know people that "give it up" at date six. And here I was, having not even gone to second base yet.

And then the monologue started. The "if you were thinner, he'd probably be into you" monologue. I hate that talk.

In fact, that's actually what prompted this post as well as my decision to finally see a therapist.

In the meantime, he and I agreed to be friends with the option of it being more. Because this guy? He's absolutely one of the funniest people I've dated. He's considerate, nice, thoughtful, gentlemanly, smart, financially independent - you know, a great guy. So I knew that I wanted to be friends if we didn't click sexually.

We've seen a couple of movies since then and have held hands and did the peck on the lips thing when we saw each other. In my mind, I didn't consider him a viable dating candidate, but I enjoyed his company.

UNTIL last Sunday. I went over to his place again to watch a movie. Everything was fine until the end of the date when we totally made out. I don't know what changed in his mind. Or maybe it was just that I was relaxed about the whole thing.

So we've been flirty this week and we'll see what happens tonight. I'm not going to "give it up" tonight...mostly because I take STD's and pregnancy risks pretty seriously. But I'm definitely looking forward to making out.

So why am I writing about this on this blog?

He does read the other blog, but has no idea that this one exists. I know. It's risky to write about this. And maybe later I'll delete these posts so as to not hurt his feelings and/or make him feel self-conscious. But for now, I needed to write about it. I needed to get it out there. I needed to have a positive affirmation that even chubby people like me need to be treated with love. They deserve love and their bodies are WORTH being loved. It may sound simple to reason through for you, but for me, I've struggled most of my life with the thought that due to my chub, I wasn't worthy of love.* In fact, I had better work REALLY hard at everything else, because don't you know that I'm fat and therefore disgusting to you on some level?

I'm working hard to break that thought-cycle about myself.

My goal for tonight is to just enjoy it. To have whatever happens be fun, be an expression of sexual interest and not a judgement of my body. To enjoy the fact that someone is interested in all of me. And if nothing happens sexually, to still have a good time and not immediately think that it has anything to do with my size.

It really might be a struggle. I might be left with feelings of rejection, which as you know is a big trigger for me. OR it might be fantastic.

Here's to hoping it's the latter.

* Just so you know, I don't reserve that kind of judgement for anyone else's body size. My disdain for my weight struggles are limited to me. I have NEVER thought that anyone else's weight was related to their worth. It's an interesting concept that I'm sure my therapist and I will cover.


POD said...

I go through these same feelings of not being good enough, worthy enough for other people's love and affection. I started going thru it with this latest thing. I mean imagine, I'm with this guy for 6 yrs and I've had cancer, and the illness I was born with, and then two weeks ago, break my arm, and he gives me notice. I feel really rejected. But I also know I don't have to feel that way.

I have decided that he left me because deep down he feels he is not worthy of my magnificence.

So if someone rejects your physicality, it's because they aren't worthy of your magnificence.

Rapunzel said...

I can't wait to hear the outcome! I am sure that it's not about your weight but if so, to hell with him, hon, better that you find out now! xoxoxo

Mimi said...

i love how open your blog is!