Thursday, September 10, 2009

Literally a life changing epiphany

Let's get a couple of things straight. I am a female. I was born a female. And I SWEAR this post is about weight loss. What I'm about to write is a concept that is literally changing my life. I hope you'll think so too - you just have to hear me out.

But, I have a small penis. SORT OF.

Let me back up - I promise this will make sense in due time.

I listen to a podcast each week. For those that don't know, a podcast is like an out-loud version of a newspaper column. It can be live, although the one that I listen to isn't. The podcast that I download is Dan Savage's Lovecast. It's a sex advice podcast.

At any rate, a month or so ago, a girl called in saying that her boyfriend told her that he had a small penis. And she was all concerned about this - in fact, after dating for quite a while, she still wasn't even allowed to see it or touch it. But boy did she hear about it all the time! She said that he blamed past break-ups on his small penis and he was concerned that she would think it was too small too. She called for help on how to handle the situation, specifically how to make him feel better about the small penis.

Dan gave her some great advice on how this girl could help him feel more open to sharing himself with her. He gave her great tips on how to be considerate and how to help his ego. A week later another caller called in to give her advice - and it was this: RUN AWAY NOW. She pleaded the caller to bail now before getting any deeper. Not because males with small penises can't get the job done, but because EVERYTHING would be blamed on this small penis - and this is key - whether he actually has one or not. See, no matter what (according to her) they would break up because of his penis - not because it couldn't function as it should - but because he was so sensitive about it, that she'd get tired of hearing about it and eventually wouldn't want to deal with it at all.

I let that podcast marinate - and I realized that I have a small penis of my own.

It's my weight.

All my adult life, I've expected the guys I've dated to bail on me because I was heavier than other girls. I would say self-defacing things from time to time and the guys that I dated would always try to build me up... But all the while, I had convinced myself that it was only a matter of time before the guy dumped me. Eventually he would realize that I was simply too fat for him. When the sex seemed to dry up (not by my choice) I remembered saying, "Look. I get it. You can't help it if you're not attracted to me. I understand." I had convinced myself before there was even a problem that there WOULD be a problem.

It has occurred to me that while they may not have been bothered by my weight at first, it became this THING that I was worried about a lot of the time. If they were short with me at some point, that was okay - because after all, I was fat - or didn't they notice? They were checking out other girls? Who could blame them...they're with a fatty. I have felt this way my entire adult life - whether I was 10 pounds overweight or 100 pounds overweight. It's my self-made, go-to, automatic self-hating and self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just KNEW that the guys would leave me because of my weight. And eventually, I think they did - because I made it an issue. An issue that no amount of catering to me and no amount of consolation would fix. It was my very own small penis.

But here's the thing that was key for me. The second lady that called in said that he may not even HAVE a small penis. That's right. He may not have a small penis in reality... but since he's so convinced that he does, the small penis IS his reality.

Like I said, this thought process is literally changing my life.

What if I'm really not that fat? What if, even with weight left to lose, I can love myself for what who I am? What if I can let go of the fatty-stigma that has plagued me all during my life? What if I can experience unconditional love with myself? Well, I'm not entirely sure what that reality would be like, but how could it possibly be worse than the one that I'm living now?

I don't have to let my weight weigh me down. I don't have to let it sabotage another relationship. If the guy cheats or doesn't want to hold my hand in public, it's HIS problem. Not mine. If the guy doesn't want sex with me, that's HIS frickin' issue. There is nothing WRONG with my body. My body was made to be loved - literally and figuratively.

I'm seeing myself in a new light. And it feels so good!

8 Comments:

Lisa said...

Perhaps you should let Dan know how you are using his "small penis" caller in your epiphany!

I totally get what you are saying. And I'm so proud of you. Keep thinking it through, and make the realization yours.

I'm still thinking it through, myself...

POD said...

I dated a guy with a small penis and his penis was tiny and there was no getting over this tiny, teeny weenie. It was so teeny it couldn't make a dent.

I know what you mean about weight being a small penis. But sometimes when it's really a penis and really tiny, there ain't any gettin over that.

When *someone* told me recently that he was no longer attracted to me, he originally hesitated because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I said "You don't hurt my feelings because YOU are no longer attracted to me. I haven't changed. I'm still the same person you fell in love with." I was flummoxed because he thought he had that kind of power over me.

His penis was skinny. Like a stir stick. or a straw.

POD said...

Or a pencil.

POD said...

Sometimes i wonder if we keep on concentrating on the weight if it's not us that keep flailing ourselves with penises.

Amy Pousson said...

that's some serious stuff there, girl...i know that there are times when i blame my weight for things happening. either my weight or that i am a geek/dork/not cool enough/nerd. or some combination there of.

i'm going to let that one marinate, too.

Scale Junkie said...

Fabulous post!

Abbie said...

Wow this kinda shifted my perspective a bit. And I'll have to download those podcasts!

Great post.

LouLou said...

I love this. So true!

My first boyfriend was convinced that I was too good for him and that I was going to leave him. It didn't matter how much I told him I loved him: he was insecure and that was that. Finally, after years and him constantly fearing my leaving him, I did. Self-fulfiling prophesy, you see.

Now, I'm with a guy who's convinced I'll never leave him because he's SO GREAT haha. And the funny thing is, because he isn't worried about me leaving...I want to stay.