Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A gain - again!

I know that sometimes it's easy to read people's blogs and then think that they are behaving one way...when in reality, that's not the case. My recent posts have boasted of a new drive - of determination and breakthroughs. Those posts weren't fake. They aren't fake. So you may think that I'm losing weight like a champ...and yet, I gained weight AGAIN this week.

When I look back at why I gained weight, I want to start to beat myself up. I mean, things are looking up in so many areas of my life - why am I self-sabotaging?

I've come up with two key reasons of why this is.

The first is easy to discuss. I have developed some bad habits. And I'm finding that they're hard to break. It's easy for me to look at my life now versus how it was when I started this and pat myself on the back. The reasons why I walked through that door to Weight Watchers are different than the reasons I continue to do so. I'm healthier than what I thought I could be. I mean, I ran another 5K this weekend and am really happy with my time and my pace. I think the rub is, I FEEL healthy. So I've been basically the same weight from March until now - between 50 -55 pounds lost. You don't maintain that kind of weight without developing some habits that keep you there. My habits show that I've been a bit lazy.

The second reason is WHY I'm turning to the food and why I'm overeating at night. After discussing this with my therapist, I realized it's that I'm scared that things are going too well. I'm worried that things will change, the other shoe will drop, and that I will feel silly for getting my hopes up. Work is good. My dog is getting better. And after that misunderstanding a couple of weeks ago, my relationship with my boyfriend couldn't feel better. I'm in that twitterpated phase and for the first time in my life I realize that I'm dating someone that has what I've viewed as "the complete package." I couldn't be happier with him and us in this stage of the relationship...the stakes are definitely higher. Somehow feeling higher about the relationship feels like I have further to fall if it ends. That is what scares me - getting my hopes up only to have them crash. And really - I recognize that this mindset is silly. My therapist and I talked about some ways that I can decrease that anxiety - and one of the ways is to get to the real belief behind the fear.

For instance, the other night, my boyfriend and I were going to go out. And I could tell that I was having a subdued night. I could tell that I probably wasn't going to be as funny as I normally am. I expressed my concern over this to her. And she said, "Okay...so why do you feel like you have to be "on" tonight?" My answer was basically so that he would like me. When she asked what would it mean if he didn't like me, the first answer that came up was "It would mean that I wasn't good enough." According to her, that is the first thing we need to target - this belief that I'm not good enough.

I could go into it, but basically I have felt so much shame about some events in my life - it's no surprise that my belief about myself is less than stellar. But I'm excited to know that she has the tools to help me release some of the shame. I'm so glad that I have a guide to help me through this journey...and I KNOW that I will be successful. It's just going to take me longer than what I originally thought.

So here I am. Starting anew. Armed with the self-discovery that I'm scared of what MIGHT be allows me to shed some of that fear.

I had a sensible breakfast and lunch. I ran at my lunch break. I went a little crazy at dinnertime - but I stayed within my points range for the day (including activity points). And guys, it may not sound like a big deal, but today is the first day in a LONG time that I've tracked the whole day through.

I'm hungry. But it's no wonder - it's almost midnight. So I'm drinking a big glass of water - and I'm going to shut this computer off so that I can get some quality sleep. During the past few months, I would've eaten something...but for now I'm sitting with the hunger.

I can't do anything about my fears for the future - because there is no promise that anyone can give me to tell me that things will be alright. But I can take each day on it's own. Living in the present seems to be a good thing to do right about now.


Fat[free]Me said...

I know those feelings of not being able to enjoy the moment you are in in case it all goes wrong again - story of my life, lol!

Glad that you are turning it around - well done!

Kris said...

Welcome to a new week, a new leaf, a new BLANK page to track points on---or at least journal what you are eating. I am thinking about you!!!

POD said...

There is a lot of stuff in the NVC training that we discussed awhile back about not judging yourself or others. I mean, this is pretty involved training so I think it takes YEARS to get to the point where you at least recognize self judgement. I told the instructor last night that I feel like I am in an NVC purgatory where I still judge and often (to be funny) make non-compassionate comments and catch myself before I blurt out whatever it was going to be, thus purgatory. I just sit there, pondering WTF was I going to say and why or why was I judging that person or myself?

There is just so much self-judgement and we must learn it from our families and peers and we can't judge them for helping us learn it. We have to just say "oh, okay, that's what happened." And sort of go on from there.

what a wacky comment this is. I got too many phone calls during! Darn it. "Oh, well, that's what happened."

Rex said...

The wonderful thing about self-discovery is that the new knowledge should empower us not to make exactly the same mistake again; or, if we do, knowing it is likely to have the same results. And yet, knowing this, I still act like I'm surprised when I discover, yet again, that 2+2=4. You are as self-enlightened as anyone I've met in recent history, so I have all confidence that you will continue to tweak your behaviors (and emotional responses to the ups and downs of life) in such a way that it all works the way you want it to. Certainly, that is my wish for both of us.