Monday, April 12, 2010

The new definition of SWF- Sex While Fat

When I started this blog, I was single. I believed, at that time, that no one would really love me when I was fat. I was unhappy, unhealthy, sad, lonely, tired, and fat. I believed that if I just lost weight, everything would be magical. If I would only lose some weight, then surely a guy would love me, right? If I was skinny, no one would leave me. If I was skinny, my life would be perfect or at least really close to perfect.

As I started to lose weight, I realized that being fat was a side effect of how I felt about me. I felt that I was unworthy of love AND that I was any time someone rejected me, I automatically assumed it was because I was fat.

A few years ago, when I started working at the company I did, a few guys in the office were talking about dating. One said to me, "Anne, I would NEVER date you. You're a redhead and redheads have always been trouble for me." He was serious. Another co-worker said, "Really? I don't mind that she's a redhead, but she laughs WAY too loud. I could never date her." That co-worker was also serious.

As wonderful of an experience as that was (NOT!), it actually taught me a pretty great lesson - people don't want to date others for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with their weight. Would I continue dating a guy with chronic halitosis? No. What about a guy that was dumb? No. Would I date an asshat that was mean to dogs or grandmas or waiters? No, no, and no.

So the fact that I was and am heavier shouldn't stop me from dating others.

The bigger issue was that *I* hated the way that I looked. And I hated the way I acted. I was unhealthy in more ways than just manifested itself in weight issues such that my unhealthiness was apparent to many others around me.

I had to get to a point, where I wanted to be healthier - mind, body, and spirit - before I could even consider dating. Because the truth is (at least for me), no one can love you enough when you don't love yourself.

When I first started dating Joe in June, I liked him (actually, the day that I met him, I wrote this on my other blog - and it was one of the funnier posts I've written). Although I love him dearly now, when I first met him, I just thought he was a nice guy. I wasn't bowled over by his looks, even though I think he's an attractive guy. What really won me over was his sense of humor. Almost 10 months later, and that's still what wins me over.

Joe is a wonderful guy, but he is (as I've written about here) much smaller than I am. At first, I wasn't sure if *I* wanted a guy that was that much smaller than I was. I was worried that he might be like a past boyfriend - one that blamed our collective unhappiness on my weight many times. But as this past weekend re-enforced, my weight, his weight, or our difference in weight is not an issue in our relationship.

This past weekend, we went to his place when it was sunny. But as the sun went down, it got colder...and I found that the top that I wore wasn't warm enough so he offered a jacket. I froze (literally and figuratively) in the moment. Because Joe wears mediums. I have NEVER in my life worn a medium anything. I'm a size 16 and when I first fit into size larges late last year, I did a happy dance of joy. So a medium? Probably not going to work out.

I borrowed a zip up jacket anyway and at the start was nervous that it wouldn't even zip. When we walked outside to the car, I said something like, "Man! This jacket is a little..." and I was trying to figure out the right word when he supplied "too small?" to finish my sentence.

The old me would've shrunken inwardly. I would've gasped and felt embarrassed that he must've noticed that it *was* too small. Was he worried that I was stretching his clothes? Was he embarrassed to be around me? Was he sad that his girlfriend couldn't wear his clothes?

But the me that is healthy and honest said, "Well, yes" at his question of if the jacket was too small. Because it was. It was a little uncomfortable - I mean, that's why I was saying something in the first place. And when we came back upstairs, I asked if I could borrow another sweatshirt - one that was a size large this time. He brought an old one out and I was more comfortable.

What felt even more comfortable than the roomier sweatshirt was the knowledge that my larger size didn't faze either one of us. We still giggled and held hands. We still went to a restaurant and enjoyed our meal. We still kissed and cuddled at the end of the night. We still are in love.

I read BFD's featured blog this morning all about dating while fat. And in the comments, there was a woman who apparently wrote that she was trying to lose weight so she could get a boyfriend. It's cheesy to say it, but if I had been so unhappy and unhealthy in my thoughts, Joe wouldn't have wanted to date me.

To be clear, dating Joe has certainly helped my self confidence and self worth - because he is healthy and treats me in a loving, healthy way. But when we sat at that speed dating table for the first time, I asked what he did for fun because I wanted someone who exercised regularly (like I did). I wanted someone who had a healthy lifestyle because I knew that that's what I was doing. I asked these questions with the same attitude that I asked others - it was a way to try to gauge whether the guy was healthy - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

So, sure. Dating Joe has helped me progress in those aspects of my life. But it wasn't all him - it was a whole lotta' me on the outset.

So sex while fat? I'm finding that it's way better than when I was skinnier. Because I love who I am and I'm proud of who I am, it's easier to be in the moment.

When you realize that YOU are valuable, the size of you becomes less significant. The more you bring to the table, the less it seems to matter how much space at table you take up.


Katy said...

That last couple sentences should be engraved, or put on a magnet and sold at gift shops! Get on that.

I totally know what you mean about being bigger than your man. We're in love with men who wear a mediums, my friend. It may never be my fate to feel like a whisp of a woman in his arms, but I've found a great man, and it seems like you have too! Bravo to us.

Margie M. said...

I'm not dating any longer (lol) but I was so happy the day I finally weighed less than my husband!!! Then what did I do....I had him lose some weight too and now we are almost the same weight. Sex with the lights out always helped. LOL

Loved your post today, Anne. Heartfelt honesty. Great stuff.

Margie M. writes at:

Keelie said...

This is a great post. I'm glad you ahve found someone like him...sounds like a keeper;)


Kris said...

omphffff...I am married to a wonderful man and still do not like myself. And, due to not liking or loving myself and my fat, it has effected our sex life. It is all about my uncomfortableness...which seems so silly cognitively because I know he loves me, but, emotionally (which is what wins)I do not feel into it......

The Babe said...

As your friend in HR, I must say that your co-workers are propigating a hostile environment. And I shake my HR finger at them.

I love your insight on this. Using weight to avoid intimacy is the story of my life. I always want someone who loves me regardless of my size, yet anyone who does show me that love is immediately taken out of the running, because what kind of messed up guy would want me?

Sigh. The strange mind games we play with ourselves when it comes to love.

Missa said...

I think you have a very healthy attitude about love and size, but most importantly about trust. Sounds like your relationship is solid, which is great to hear.

1st Fat-Rat Guest Post today!


POD said...

This is a great post. I agree with Katy. I want a magnet. Or a man-get.

Katy said...

Hey Anne,

Totally random but... do you have any colorful converse shoes? I'm a photographer and am doing a project that involves converse. I need any solid color original converse shoes STAT... like today or tomorrow. If you have any, or know anyone who does will you let me know? I can pick them up and will only need them for a day or two. Just spreading my net far and wide! Thanks so much! Katy- ps, if you do, will you email me @

Sam said...

I sent my readers to your post. I love the ideas that you shared, and the journey of your thoughts. I too struggle with bad thoughts about myself. I'm still in the begining stages of turning things over. Thank you for sharing your experience, it inspires me to keep going and to think good things!!


Lyn said...

What an awesome post :)

You sound like you are in a healthy/happy place right now. I am happy for you! Give Joe an extra hug from me!

~Lesia and Clay~ said...

Ok Sam sent me to your blog. I am on my second marriage and my 1st one was a very ting man but our size different was not the end result of our divorce. My current husband married me fat and he never made me feel too big. I can relate to your post in so many levels. Currently I am smaller than my husband and we still love each other beyond words. Keep dating and you will totally get the one that is for you. Joe just might be that guy.

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Curvy Jones said...

Wow. This post just slapped me upside my head. I don't know, I feel sort of in between, where I don't think I look 'that bad' but men don't find me attractive. And maybe I just perceive it that way, or maybe it's just an Atlanta thing. I feel a lot of pressure to be a little smaller. I want to lose weight to feel good about myself and to feel attractive. if a side effect of that is that someone of the opposite sex happens to notice, I'll take it!

Supermanslady said...

We women are such complex creatures. And I have found that all of us, no matter what size or weight we are, wheter it be a size 20 or a size 2 will at some point have a needless hangup about our body that will affect our relationships with men.

It's stupid and it sucks. But it is what it is. The good thing is that it sounds like you have overcome that, much like I had to...and every other woman will at some point to be able to truly enjoy life and happiness.

Kudos to you! Glad you found a keeper!

Kellie said...

I love this post! No for real.... can I hang it on my wall?!

I have always had a satisfying sex life -- fat or not. The key was that I needed to love myself at least a little bit and accept myself as I was in the moment a little more.

It sounds like you have that all figured out and I am SO happy for you! Joe sounds like a fantastic guy! He's a luck guy too to have someone as wonderful as you! :)