Soothing Without Food

I've been home for a little over two weeks after the surgery.  In that time, my mom stayed with me for a few days before returning to her home town.  Since then?  It's been just me.

Well, me and the pantry.

For the first week, moving was so painful that I didn't eat as much as I normally would.  But since then, I've felt the urge to eat more, to snack when I'm not hungry, and to make poor food choices.


Some of it is due to boredom.  Some of it is due to the pain.  But a lot of it is due to the fact that I just feel helpless.  I can do very few things for myself these days - and because of my most recent infection, most of my time is spend with my wound exposed to air (in the hopes that that will help it close up).   This means that I can't be around other people and I spend most of my day on the couch (with a sheet on top) bare-assed so that my abdomen can be exposed to air.  It's fun and oh-so sexy.

I can't type - because it's not like I can put my laptop on my abdomen and I can't sit because that causes the wound to not be open to air.  (I am currently sitting up in bed with my laptop on my right knee, but the incision site is not getting any air, so this isn't good).  I can't lift much and I can't be out in public. 

And there is only so much TV one person can watch.  In the two weeks since I've been out, I've read my way through the Harry Potter series and two other books.  I wish I could do something else.

I don't feel like I'm a help around the house for Joe and let's be honest - it's not like I can do any "girlfriend" type activities. 

Yes, I know that this isn't a permanent thing.  But for right now, it's not fun.

The thing is, I find myself wanting to eat anything and everything...to take me away from my own life right now. 

I'm surprised how often the thought of "just a little something" pops into my head.  And I constantly have to beat it back - telling myself that "a little something" to eat isn't going to make my life easier and it isn't going to make me more productive.  "A little something" is just going to make me into a bigger person...and don't I deserve more than that?

So today, I decided that in addition to trying to give thanks for where I'm at (yesterday's theme), I'm going to recognize that I should be looking for progress, not perfection.   I've been exposing myself (literally!) to air probably 23 hours out of the day - when I eat, when I sleep, and during the rest of the day.  But today, I decided that I'd to a little something for me - even if it means that my wound doesn't get as much air.  I've got a mud mask on my face (ooh! pampering!) and I'm typing out my feelings.  So maybe that means that my wound isn't aired out but 22 hours today.  WHO CARES?  It's still good.  And I feel a bit more taken care of.


Funny, but now I don't feel much like eating anything. 

And that?  That feels great.