Going down...

Last night I weighed in at my meeting and I found that I had lost 2.2 pounds!

Mostly, I'm excited because last week was a pretty rough week for me emotionally...and there were many times that I felt lots of different emotions even within the span of an hour.

For starters, I got a really craptastic email from Joe on Monday where I'm not sure he could've been more passive agressive should he have tried.  This came in right around the same time that I received a text that brushed off Mr. Wonderful.  Those came right after I found out that my boss who drives me bat-crap crazy is now coming into the office full time.

So basically, Monday kind of blew...and even though I tried to make it better, the week just never really recovered.  But you know what?  When I was sad, I cried.  And when I was happy, I laughed.  And when I wasn't hungry, I didn't eat.

That's the trend I hope to follow this week... it's so easy to say, but it's so hard to do sometimes. 

So, in case there is someone else out there wondering how I did it, I'll share what helped me. 

I really just tried to be aware of what I was feeling.

I've heard countless times that people should ask themselves if they're really hungry before eating something.  That doesn't work for me.  I can't, when faced with a delectable dessert, ask myself if I'm really hungry or (taking it a step further) what I'm really hungry for.  It just doesn't work for me.  I'm too flooded by saliva to make sane decisions and I usually just dig right in and tell myself that I'll try to figure it out later.

What HAS worked for me is to practice asking myself how I feel.  I do it so often that I'm not even aware of me consciously having to think that.

The benefit of this regular check-in is that I'm at least partially aware of how I'm feeling before I start being faced with food.

Sometimes the answer just comes back as "tired."  Well, that's great information to know and be aware of...I mean, if faced with a donut and sugar-laden coffee later, I'd probably be overly tempted to consume it.  But if I'm aware that I'm tired, it's somehow easier for me to make a logical decision and pass it up.

If the answer comes back that I'm sad, I try to sit with that feeling as long as possible before "doing" something about it.  I've felt that a lot this past week - and each time I've done a little something different.  I've hugged my cat, I've called friends, I've watched TV, I've journaled, and I've done something nice for somoene else. 

I make this distinction, of trying to be aware of my feelings rather than aware if I'm hungry, because for me THAT way is easier.  I realize that it's a bit like the proverbial chicken and the egg scenario, but being aware of my feelings BEFORE temptations arise, helps me tend to myself quicker before I'm salivating and struggling with decisions.

Make sense?

This week, I have a lot of stuff going on.  Lots of appointments packed into this week and get togethers with friends.  Somehow I need to finish my Christmas shopping and maybe even send out Christmas cards.

So I can't promise that I'll track appropriately or even keep around my points target.  But I can make a concerted effort to continue what feels right and good...and checking in with myself, being gentle and kind to myself, feels like an excellent Christmas gift.

Stopping and inquiring



(source)

 Yesterday I wrote about stopping while eating and evaluating whether you actually want to continue.

And today, I want to expound that thought...
Sure, eating sumptuous and delicious foods all the time *sounds* good, but how can I do that *and* lose weight?

After all, isn't that what sounds so unbelievable on the intuitive eating/carte blanche plan?

So maybe it's not about indulging in every way... it's about making choices that make sense.

Take this morning. I went to a bagel place just outside of our building. It's well documented on this blog that I LOOOOOVE bagels. Smear some cream cheese on a toasted bagel and I'll roll over in ecstasy. When I walked in the bagel joint, I knew that I *could* have anything on the menu. But I also knew that I really want to lose weight, to feel healthier, and to be fueled as much of the morning as I can.

Instead of ordering a warm gooey bagel that I knew would taste awesome, I ordered a 240 calorie bagel thin with egg whites, turkey sausage, and salsa.  It had complex carbs, good protein, and some fat to help me feel sustained.  It's 3 hours later and I'm still delightfully satisfied.

What happened there?  I think we can all agree that that was the "better" choice than the full fat, carb-loaded, and calorie-heavy bagel, but why?  And why do I feel like sometimes I can make that choice confidently and other times, I feel deprived when I make that choice?

THIS is exactly what I've been struggling with for the past few months in regards to intuitive eating.

Honestly? I've been struggling with the (sometimes) loosey-goosey approach of "eat whatever you want whenever you want and still lose weight" idea.  I know it CAN work.  But I know that sometimes, I crave the stuff that isn't going to get me closer to my goal of being smaller, thinner, and healthier.

So what do I do then?

My therapist tells me that the step I should take then is to ask *why* I want the stuff that I know isn't going to get me closer to my goal.

Well, sure, if I had all the time in the world, I could probably practice analyzing every moment before food passes my lips.  But gosh, sometimes I don't know why I want something. 

In those times, here is all I really know:
* I want the ooey-gooey whatever it is to be in my mouth NOW
* I want to not feel restricted
* I know that when I feel like I'm on a diet, I feel like rebelling
* I know that if I eat only the stuff that tastes awesome, it's going to take a whole lot of concentration around every bite to stop when I'm no longer hungry
* I know that if I'm distracted in almost any way, I don't stop when I need to
* I know that when I eat "too much" of something that is high caloric, I gain weight

So yes, in an ideal world, I'd be able to be mindful about every bite and every step in the process.  But I don't live in an ideal world. 

Moreover, sometimes I don't have the emotional fortitude or patience to figure out *why* I'm eating whatever I'm eating *every* time.   Sometimes I honestly just don't know.

And in those moments, I feel paralyzed.  Should I honor what I really am craving even though I know it's not good for me?  Should I restrict?  If I do, will I resent myself and this process later? 

All of the sudden, what seems like it should be a simple process has my mind spinning.  I feel more anxious (although I don't know why) and feel more lost.  I feel confused and mistrustful of myself and the process.

And that?  Well, that doesn't feel good either.  So basically, my whole plan to make me feel more in tune with my body sometimes leaves me feeling confused, mistrustful, and bewildered.  AND my pants are tighter.

Uhhh...not exactly a winning outcome.

But people succeed at mindful eating.  HOW?  What am I doing wrong?  Is it me or is it the process that is broken?

I want it to work SO badly.  I want to be thinner and healthier.  That led me to being more inquisitive about what I could to, with the focus being on health (mind, body, and spirit) to help me achieve my goals.  It led me to ask myself, honestly, where is this marriage between mindfulness and me falling short?

I think I figured it out.  I *am* being mindful when I stop and ask myself what really sounds awesome.  At the counter of the bagel shop, what sounds the best is the gooey bagel slathered with cream cheese.  If I ate it mindfully, I'd savor each bite, eating it slowly.  But honestly, if I did that, I'd probably stop 1/4 or half way through the meal because I'd be satisfied. 

But the thing is, I usually don't eat mindfully.  Sure, I ORDER mindfully, but I don't eat it mindfully because life happens.  So in the bagel situation, I order the bagel with cream cheese mindfully, but then because I'm not eating mindfully, I end up eating the whole thing.  Which means, TADA! I've just gotten further away from my goals, my pants are tighter, and I'm questioning what the hell I'm doing anyway.

So what to do?

I think I've got a good game-plan - or at least a good rough draft of what that process can look like.

1. Ask myself if I'm hungry. I'm pretty good at this step.
2. If I am, ask myself if I want to eat primarily for pleasure or for fuel.
3. If I'm primarily eating for fuel, I make the "best" choice for myself.  Something with a lot of nutrients, veggies, fiber, or protein - whatever it is that will meet the strain that my body will feel in the next few hours or day.  This means, I choose steamed veggies, not sauteed.  It means that I hold the mayo.  It means I limit sugar.
3. If I want to eat primarily for pleasure, I need to ask myself if I have the time to actually donate to eating mindfully. 
4. If I don't, then I need to choose to eat for fuel reasons at that moment - and then re-evaluate my meal choices at the next time I'm hungry.

To me, that's HUGE!

This means that in the morning, when I'm hungry, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want (for pleasure)...but only if I can actually (gasp!) ENJOY it to the fullest extent.  Usually, that isn't the case...so that means that usually I need to choose fuel-friendly options over what would taste the most awesome.

And really, isn't that what happened this morning?  I only had a few minutes to grab something...and I needed to eat it on my way to work.  I know that on the way to work, I'll be distracted by other drivers, the radio, the fact that I'm running late or something else.

So in those situations, if I order the heavier option, I'm setting myself up for not really tasting my food and for putting lots of unwanted calories in my body.  Because in situations where I'm completely distracted, almost anything will do.  Why not make the choice that will lead me to my ultimate goal - being smaller and more healthy?

Taking it a step further... if I'm at a bar or hanging out with friends and someone asks me if I want a drink, I'll ask myself if I'll really be tasting it or if I'm going to be so focused on other things that I won't even notice it.  If I'm going to be focused on drinking something that is absolutely fabulous, great.  If not, perhaps a Bud Light or (GASP!) water will do.

See the difference? 

It's no longer about restricting myself to drinking only Bud Light or only eating a bagel thin with egg whites. 

It's about being practical. 

It's about stopping and inquiring WHY I'm eating the food I'm eating.  It's about STOPPING before you order and thinking about what you really need - both physically (i.e. how hungry am I really?) and mentally (will what I order get me closer to or farther away from my goals that I have set up for myself?).


If I'm eating for fuel, then I might want to consider appraising the food in a fuel-based way.  In other words, if it's for fuel, I'm preparing my taste buds for something that may not taste the best, but is good for my body. I'm choosing to forgo cheese on my sandwich not because I *can't* have it, but because maybe because I recognize that I'm already going to get my calcium and protein in another way .  I'm also acknowledging at that point that I might be so distracted during the eating process that I wouldn't even taste the cheese anyway!

Making a "smarter" choice can happen intuitively because I recognize that the extra calories aren't going to get me closer to what will really make me feel good - a smaller size and a healthier body.

Maybe the fuel-friendly option is your go-to meal...something that you know the points, carbs, or calories of easily.  Something you know will nourish you and it's a no-brainer; something you don't have to stress about - either in the preparation or the consumption.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'll go out of my way to eat something that is disgusting just because it's healthy for me.  Life is too short for that mentality too.  But it means that I can choose the healthier option, the option that is going to fuel my body with the fiber, protein, or nutrients it needs over the one that is higher calorie, fat, or carb.  And let's face it, in this day and age, there are many opportunities to choose the more fuel-friendly choice.

If I'm eating primarily for pleasure, then I'll order or prepare something that really seems like it'll hit the spot. And when I take that first bite, if it's not something that tastes absolutely divine, I'm going to give myself permission to make something else.  Just like what I wrote about yesterday. 

In fact (and here is a big a-ha moment for me), if I notice that I'm always choosing fuel foods over pleasure foods AND start feeling resentful about it, maybe that's a warning sign.  It might indicate that it's becoming necessary to schedule in some "me time."  Time when I treat myself as a priority.  Even if that's getting something that tastes divine and savoring it by myself simply because I enjoy the taste of it and I'm worth enjoying tasty things.

To me, these steps make more sense.  They have some structure behind it.  They don't make me feel restricted or not worthy AND they still get me closer to my end goal of being healthier - mind, body, and spirit. 

In fact, if anything they make me feel better:
* I'm so important that I'm worth fueling my body with foods that will help it do what I want it to do.
* I'm so loved that I can have awesome tasting things.
* I'm worth slowing down and actually enjoying foods that taste delicious.
* I'm also worth taking care of.
* I'm worth realizing my potential and achieving my dreams.

If mindful eating can work (and I believe it can), perhaps it starts with knowing your own mind; knowing your own pitfalls, triggers, routines, and justifications.  And then developing a successful way to navigate around them.

I think I'm finally honing in on what will work for me - both for immediate and long term gratification.

And holy cow, I'm actually feeling something I haven't felt in a long time:  clear-headed and optimistic...what a welcome relief!

The art of actually trying...

Alright, I'm coming clean.  I'm REALLY unhappy with my body these days.

As in, I've gained weight AND inches and I'm really unhappy with how I look in the mirror and reflections of store front windows.  My skin feels almost as tight as the clothes I'm wearing.

What's more, with this new job (!) that I'm taking on, I need to buy dress clothes for every day wear (I currently wear jeans and a nicer top) and that means that I have to go to Lane Bryant or the likes for my clothes needs.  Because dress pants at the Gap (which top out at 16) no longer fit.

Awesome.

I've found myself thinking about going all protein, no carb because I know I drop weight quickly on that.  I've wondered about doing Medifast (since Lyn has had so much success).  I've even thought a lot of a lot about going back to Weight Watchers - since I lost 56 pounds doing their old program. 

But then I realized that I'm not even TRYING to do intuitive eating any more.  I'm just eating.  I'm not planning, not thinking, not trying to cut some calories, and I'm eating when I'm not hungry.  Uhhh...so basically, I'm not doing anything about my eating.

So while I may actually try WW again (since the new PointsPlus actually sounds like it encompasses intuitive eating guidelines more than ever), I'm not going to do that now.

I figure if I'm even thinking about paying $10 per week for a program, I should first take a look at what I'm eating/drinking and why.  First, I should actually TRY the lifestyle that I want to be successful at.

So I'm promising myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to stop when I'm no longer hungry.  No points, no judgement on what I'm eating.  Just that - eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied.  For at least a week.  And next Tuesday, if I'm still gaining weight like a champ, I can re-evaluate from there.

When I actually DO mindful eating, I lose weight.  When I listen to my body's signals of hunger and satiety, I choose foods that are good to me, not just because they're lower in points, calories, or carbs.

I'm coming to the realization that I may need the structure of a standardized program for now.  And I'm vowing to have a firm plan by the end of this month - whether to continue what I'm doing or to do a different plan.

But for this week, I'm going to work hard at practicing intuitive/mindful eating.  I know it can work...just like I know WW can work.  I just need to actually DO the work.

Things that are going to help me? 

1. I've been taking pictures of my food before I eat/drink it.  That gives me a chance to stop and ask myself how hungry I actually am before ingesting it. 

2.  I'm going to stop my eating or drinking at 1/4, 1/2, and 3/4 of the way through to ask myself if I'm still hungry or not.  This morning, I woke up with a starving tummy.  So I made a smoothie with protein powder, spinach, and milk.  I only drank about a third of it - because what I had eaten/drank was enough to make me feel satisfied.  Even though I hate wasting things, I figured it'll go to my waist if I drink it all...so I might as well waste it.

3.  I'm going to brush my teeth after each meal.  I'm realizing that I'm snacking when not hungry because it's there or because I can.  But eating with freshly brushed teeth tastes kind of nasty.  Brushing my teeth will help me be mindful of if I'm really hungry or not.  Because if I am, I'll forgo the bad taste to get some fuel.  If I'm eating just to eat, I'm finding that I don't eat because I know I won't like the taste.

4.  More water.  I know I'm only getting in about a liter of water a day.  For someone that used to drink almost a gallon, this is quite a drop off.  I feel better when I drink more water - and I realize that sometimes I'm not actually hungry, I'm thirsty.  This will help me differentiate between the two.

And that's it.  This week, I'm promising to be more mindful about what I put in my body. 

I owe it to myself.

Starting weight?  Let's just say it's higher than where I've been for almost 2 years.  UGH.

Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights (part 4)

Happy Christmas Eve!

Are you ready for the last right from the Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights by Evelyn Tribole?

Me too.

Right #7: You have the right to eat pumpkin pie for breakfast.

I love this one - even though I don't love pumpkin pie.

I know I may get some dissent from this right - and that some of you may attack this as a crazy idea.

But I say that I believe that we are all worthy of trust.  Even around pumpkin pie.

Food should taste good.  Food should be pleasurable.  As long as you're aware of what you're doing and you're okay with what you're doing, you'll inevitably be okay with the consequences.

Pumpkin pie is not the enemy. 

No one, except for you, knows how you feel, both emotionally and physically.  Only you can be the expert of your body, which requires inner attunement, rather than the external, well-meaning, suggestions from your friends and family.

Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights (part 2)

As you read this, I'll be on a 10-12 hour car ride from Denver to El Paso.  And if the past years are any indication, I'll probably be singing the Rent Soundtrack and the best of Madonna. 

You know what I won't be doing?  Snacking on gobs of unhealthy foods.  I've packed a cooler full of fruits, veggies, and healthy treats to keep me company when I'm hungry.

Last week, I wrote about the first right from The Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights by Evelyn Tribole.  And I thought that I'd give you a second helping of it.


Right #2:  You have the right to enjoy second servings without apology.

That's right.  You don't have to go hungry if you don't want to.  Isn't that great?  That we live in a country and a place where the vast majority of us don't HAVE to go hungry?

But quickly on the heels of the second right, is the third...


Right #3: You have the right to honor your fullness, even if it means saying "no thank you" to dessert or a second helping of food.

Because really?  Who SHOULD care if you have a second helping or dessert?  No one.  You should be allowed to decide if you need more to feel satisfied - whatever the level that you want it to be.  And if someone tries to force seconds or thirds on you because that's what you've always done, YOU get to choose to say no.  If forced, you can take the additional helping or dessert home to enjoy later.  But it's your choice - and it's your right to not be over-full.

To me, these rules free me from old habits and old traditions.  Just because I pigged out last year, doesn't mean that I have to do that again this year.  Additionally, if I've always eaten like a bird in front of others (only to devour all my stocking treats in 5 minutes) I can eat as much as I need to feel satisfied. 

Why wait until 2011 to start new traditions and resolutions?  I say start now - with honoring yourself and your own satiety.

Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights (part 1)

Last weekend, I went to another Mindful Eating/Mindful Body class here in Denver.  I've written about them before, but this group was one of the first ways that I was introduced to the idea and concept of mindful/intuitive eating.

Due to the timing of the workshop, the topic of how to eat over the holidays came up.

Are there rules to what you'll "allow" yourself to eat?

Are there guilt trips that you put on yourself when you "eat the wrong thing?"

Lastly, when was the last time that you truly had whatever you wanted - and didn't beat yourself up or negotiate anything?

The kind of holiday celebration I want to enjoy is one where I am in tune with my body.  When I'm in tune with it, I'm able to eat what I truly am hungry for - even if it's carrots and green beans.  And I can pass up the items that I'm not craving - even if they're cookies that look delicious.

I find that when I act on my true cravings, I'm able to feel completely satisfied and fulfilled.

At the workshop last weekend, we were given a list of basic rights that *everyone* should be allowed  - called the Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights - by Evelyn Tribole.

The first? 

You have the right to savor your meal, without cajoling or judgment, and without discussion of calories eaten or the amount of exercise needed to burn off said calories.

To me, that's a powerful right.

I think oftentimes, women get into this calorie discussion because it's an approved topic.  Kind of like the weather, or small talk about what you do for a living.  It's a universal topic that brings people together.

And isn't that silly?  Rather than truly savoring the treat that is in front of us, rather than giving thanks for all the hands that it took to get this meal to it scrumptious state, and rather than enjoying each ingredient, we waste those moments by feeling guilty or feeling dread for the amount of exercise that it will take to "be good again."

If you're like me, it feels great to have not a rule to follow, but a right to be allowed.

I don't have to join in the discussion of how "bad" I'm being or how "bad" the food is.  I can enjoy as much as I want of whatever I want - without having to feel bad, to be judged, or having to confess what I'm going to do to work off the choices I made.

Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

The trick is, in my opinion, is to be in tune with myself enough so that if I don't want parts of my meal, I don't eat it.

For instance, when I was a kid, I loved Alfredo sauce.  What's not to love?  It's creamy, buttery, and not marinara sauce (which, in general, I'm not a huge fan of).  But then I began my DIET which lasted 20 or so years and it was bye bye cream sauces!

Recently, I ordered some pasta dish with Alfredo sauce because it sounded totally scrumptious.  Know what?  It wasn't.  It didn't taste as great as I remembered - or maybe it was just too rich for what I wanted right then.

All I know is that a year ago, had I ordered it, I would've eaten it all up - after all, I ordered it and I might as well indulge when I could!  When was the next chance I would have the courage to order cream sauce?  This time, I didn't.  I ate the other items on my plate and scraped off as much of the sauce as I wanted to so that I enjoyed the meal.

Maybe I don't actually LIKE Alfredo sauce any more.  Maybe I just don't like pasta.  Whatever it is, I know that if I want to try any sauce again, I can.  I'll have another chance - so it's okay to pass up what I don't really want right now.  I can always have it when I *do* want it.

Eat the meal you want.  Eat what you truly want.  If that's carrots and celery sticks, great!  If it's a rich food, that's okay too...because if you're really tuning in to what your body needs and wants you won't always want the rich foods.  You won't always fill up on cookies. 

When you take away the label of "forbidden" on foods, it's amazing how much less I actually want them.

And it's freeing to realize that I can enjoy - truly enjoy - the food that I'm eating.  I can focus on that, on the gratitude that I have for all of the steps that it took to make it, and on how full I am at the moment.  I don't need to be judged by anyone else...OR by myself.

No matter what your eating plan is, you have the right to eat the way you want - all carbs, no carbs, no fat, all grapefruit.  Whatever your plan is, you have the right to enjoy your holiday however you want.  No excuses, no explaining, and no trying to convince others that it's the right way.

You have the right to eat the way you want to.

A liberating thought, no?

Home in the range

This weekend I thought a lot about my revelation from Friday.  I may be a bit biased, but when I made the connection between sleep and food, I was really blown away at how profound it was.

The result?  I've lost 4 pounds since coming back from Peoria (and gaining 3 pounds while there) this week - just by paying attention to my hunger levels and making sure that it doesn't get out of control.

I think of my hunger scale like this:

1 - starving hungry; the hungriest I've ever been
3 - hungry; when I drop to this level (or below) it's probably time to eat
5 - satisfied; neither hungry nor full
7 - feedback that indicates I ate a bit too much the last time I ate
10 - stuffed; as in what it feels like to finish a binge

I don't think I've ever felt a 1...but I can't tell you how many times I've felt a 10.

The thing I've concentrated on this past week was where I was on the hunger scale/range.  I aimed to always be a "5" on the scale...which meant that I was always satisfied. 

So if I was at a 4, I could determine if I wanted to eat to be a 5, or if I wanted to be hungrier (to let myself get down to a 2 or 3) so that I could fully enjoy a meal with Joe.

I've tuned out my hunger range for so many years, it's actually taken MONTHS to fine tune my hunger...but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.

I'm also realizing that even though I CAN have brownies, cakes, pastas, and ice creams, I'm not craving those - not really.  THAT has felt wonderful...and has prompted me to be proud of myself.

Take Friday:
     My workplace had some training arranged during our lunch break.  But it was going to be in the 70s.  So I asked my boss if I could have a 45 minute lunch (before the actual lunch presentation) and work late to make up for it...he said yes.  At 11:00 I ran my 5K and came back in just enough time for the training - and discussion that followed.  Initially, I wasn't hungry right after my run.  But during the Q&A, I was starting to get hungry.  I could've had what everyone else was pigging out on (Qdoba Mexican buffet) but instead I wanted a veggie sandwich that I had in the fridge - aka no where near me.  I ended up getting to eat at 2:30 (after the presentation), but I really enjoyed what I ate. 
     I came home and Joe and I decided to see "The Switch" - a movie out in theaters now with my lifelong crush, Jason Bateman.  I knew that I could have any dinner I wanted - or cokes and candy at the theater.  But instead, a wrap with hummus, guacamole, and fresh sliced veggies sounded delicious.  So that's what we had.  We made them, wrapped them up and smuggled them in the theater.  Sure, I broke a guideline of eating while distracted, but I made sure that I was hungry when we started eating.
     We finished the movie and Joe suggested that we go across the street to my new favorite dessert place, Pinkberry.  I thought about it and realized that I was still at a 5.  I also knew that I could have the frozen yogurt another time if I wanted it.  So instead we went home and...

My point is, being more in tune with my body and it's hunger signals is taking a lot of pressure off.  I'm feeling like I'm living more in the moment and less in fear about what I will do when I get hungry or full.

Saturday we enjoyed dinner and ended up going to Pinkberry and sitting downtown to enjoy the freaks sights that were out at night.

I guess what I'm saying is that I really enjoy being at a 5.  With the absence of stomach sensation, I'm able to enjoy all the other parts of my life much more.  It's taken (and will continue to take) practice.

Huh.  I think they call that "living."

Vulnerability

This past weekend, I enjoyed another Mindful Yoga/Mindful Eating classes.  I first started going in February and have only missed one class - which was the weekend that Joe and I celebrated our anniversary in Steamboat with a 10 1/2 mile hike.

I love these classes.  There is a lot of discussion about how we can all be more mindful about food and our eating; about how we can have a more harmonious relationship with food.  There is some really gentle yoga (it's gotten more passive/gentle as the months go on) and then there is a mindful eating exercise...which basically means that we sit around in a circle, chewing the food slowly and trying to taste every morsel that should be tasted.

I love these classes.

We're also talking a lot about Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food, and God."  If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend that you do.

There are several things that have struck me as profound - and I'll share some in the weeks to come.

This past week, Erica, our leader talked about Geneen's chapter titled: Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt (which is actually a quote by Pema Chodron).  And in this chapter, she talks about how bolting - by vegging out via TV, binge eating, drinking, or even checking out mentally is a way to avoid our lives.

Geneen writes about how she tells the people that come to her retreat and might want to bolt:

      I tell them that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard.  When we don't want to notice what is going on.  Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be.  I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment.  To not leave themselves.  I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this.  Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight.  But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive.  No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.  We refuse to take in what sustains us.  We live lives of deprivation.  And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge.  The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting- of leaving ourselves - hundreds of times a day. 
      But that doesn't touch the sudden realization - and the subsequent panic - that they really don't want to sit in the center of their own lives.  It's one thing to say you want to stop using food to numb yourself.  To be miserable about the size of your body.  To feel as if you are killing yourself with double cheeseburgers and fries.  But slowing down, asking yourself what is actually going on when you want to eat when you aren't hungry, watching how you inhale three muffins before you even realize you're eating - that's going to far.  There is something about accepting the unpredictable fragility of this life that is just too much.  So the very minute they begin feeling or sensing or thinking something that is uncomfortable, they want to get out of Dodge. (emphasis mine)

Wow.  To me, that's profound. 

Last week, I started asking myself if this whole mindful eating thing could actually work.  Sure, Geneen says it's possible.  So does my therapist.  But the harder I try, the more elusive it feels.

How could I be successful with this long term?

I felt like a rat in a maze - and I was SO tempted to go back to the points system via Weight Watchers.  At least that was something that I knew...something that has worked for thousands of peoples.  I know because I see commercials.  I read your blogs.

But this weekend, after Erica read the excerpt above, I remembered that my problem isn't about food or portions.  It's about how sometimes I want to leave my life SO badly, I'll do anything to check out.

To me, it's about vulnerability.  Sometimes, I'm so scared of what The Voice* will say when I'm quiet.  When I'm sad, I'm afraid I won't be heard and that I won't be understood.  When Joe and I argue, I'm afraid he'll leave.  When I think about getting a puppy or a cat, I'm afraid of it dying.  When I make a new friend, I'm sometimes afraid of her turning on me.

When I post something significant to me, I'm afraid of the negative feedback I get.  I'm afraid I'll lose more followers.  I'm afraid I'll disappoint you.

But really, I'm not afraid of vulnerability...I'm afraid of being afraid of vulnerability.  In other words, when all the negative things that make up The Voice start combining and I know I'm going to hear awful things about me, I bolt.  When The Voice just opens it's mouth, I check out and run.  I don't even want to hear what it has to say - what if what it says is so horrible I can't go on?

This past weekend, after the yoga class, Joe and I got into a fight - about women's clothing of all things.  He got SO frustrated...and I couldn't understand why clothing that he had no intentions of wearing was making him so upset.  The more I tried to understand, the more frustrated he became and it culminated in us raising our voices, which is very atypical.

He went to go take a shower, and I felt so sad.  I actually thought about binge eating while he was in the shower.

But instead I stopped.  I shut the door to the bedroom and I cried.  I decided to practice listening to The Voice.

So I did.  The Voice said this:
"You are a horrible girlfriend.  You could tell that he was getting frustrated, but you kept pushing!  Why would you do that?  You're just like your mother...always nagging.  Didn't your dad tell you that men don't like nagging women?  He's going to leave.  You know that, right?  He's going to come out of that shower and say that this isn't working and that he wants you to move out.  Just like your dad did.  What will you do then?  You'll be all alone.  Just goes to show you shouldn't trust anyone.  And who are you going to find who will love your fat self?  No one.  You are a failure."

Whew.

So I heard her out.  And after a while, The Voice didn't have anything original to say.  In fact, The Voice has been saying those same things my whole life.  How did I not realize that until now?

And they aren't true.  If my relationship with Joe ends, then it ends.  Life goes on.  I'm not a horrible girlfriend.  I'm thoughtful, considerate, giving, and compassionate.  I don't always nag.  I was trying to understand why he was so frustrated - it wasn't nagging.  I *can* trust people.  And as for who will love my fat self?  Well, I think it's about time that I do.

And just like that, The Voice lost it's power.  I stood up, wiped the tears from my eyes, and got some water.  I waited until Joe got out of the shower and I calmly explained why I was pushing so hard for an answer - I wanted to understand him.  He apologized for getting so frustrated.  I explained that sometimes I feel like a bad girlfriend when we fight.  He said that all couples argue.  I said I was worried that this might make me a bad wife.  He said that my thoughtfulness, compassionate, and willingness to try again will make me an excellent wife.  I explained that I love him - and that out of all the people in the world I wanted to fight with, he would be last on that list.  He said the same about me.

This weekend, I had the courage to stay, to not bolt or check out when my life seemed scary.  I stood up for myself.  Even though I was vulnerable.  Even though I was scared.  Even though I felt bad for myself.

Like any good episodic movie/TV series, I know that I will have to face The Voice again and again.  But by facing it when I was most vulnerable and defeating it, gives me hope that I can do so again and again.


*No.  I'm not schizophrenic.  The Voice is basically my own self negative thoughts that I really do think - a mixture of parents or parental figures throughout the years that have told me I wasn't good enough - and that I should be better.

Sticking with it

This past weekend, my younger sister and her fiance' flew into Denver for the annual Mile High Music Festival.

She and I have seen the Dave Matthews Band many times together, but this was the first where we brought our significant others.

We had a blast...I drank more than I typically do (which is to say that I drank SOME; I usually drink NONE), but for the most part I made great food choices.

Each morning at breakfast, I had what I really wanted and only as much as it took to fill me up.  For instance, one morning I had one egg, two slices of bacon, two strawberries, and wheat toast; a far cry from what I used to eat.

Saturday night, the first night of the festival, when faced with tons of carnival food, we all ate items from the vegetarian booth.  I had a spinach tortilla with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, feta cheese, and hummus.  They were stingy on the hummus and feta cheese...so basically, I had veggies wrapped in a tortilla.  But you know what?  It was wonderful.  My body was happy that I didn't weigh it down with the greasy burgers, brats, and other foods that just wouldn't have tasted good.

I slipped up that night and got a single scoop ice cream cone though.  I say that I slipped up because I didn't really want it - I just wanted something sweet.  In retrospect, I should've had one or part of the berry kabobs that my younger sister enjoyed instead (yes, it was drizzled with some milk and white chocolate). 

Sunday night I didn't do AS well as I did on Saturday night.  I ended up having a huge beer on an empty stomach and ended up getting a chicago style dog (lots of veggies on a hot dog) instead of the veggie wrap.  I did share a fruit kabob with Joe though, so that was at least better than the ice cream.

Dave Matthews Band - we were very close to the stage!

The thing is, when surrounded by people who are doing just about everything to excess, a part of me wanted to join along.  A part of me wanted to not miss out - as if not stuffing my face would be me missing out on the experience somehow.  I realized that it was absurd to feel the way that I did.  I pondered why I felt that way.  I still don't know why I felt that way.  But I knew what I should do.  All of these thoughts are the same as what I've had the last 12 weeks.  Typically, at this point, I'd indulge anyway.  But this time, I remembered the quote that resonated with me on Friday.

This weekend, it came down to will.  I have to be WILLING to do the work.  Even if I don't want to.  Even if I don't understand.  Even if my inner voice wants to rebel.  Even though I wanted to, and even though I didn't understand why I wanted to, I left that "not understanding but still wanting" to the side.  I was willing to do what I promised to do even though I didn't get the WHY involved.  What matters is that I didn't indulge to excess.  The rest of the stuff I can figure out when I'm not in the moment wanting to eat everything in sight.

I think I now understand that practicing mindful eating doesn't mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.  I still have to be willing to take the actions (like moving my body or NOT eating) that are necessary.  Mindful eating also doesn't mean that you have to be perfect...that you have to know WHY you want to stop or continue eating in order to do it "right."  Sometimes, I have to just trust the process and know that whatever feelings come up can be figured out later...for now, I just need to promise to stop eating when I'm not hungry.

I was the biggest person in our group.  It was evident in every picture.  But just when I started feeling a little bad that I was the fattest in the group, I realized that at this time two years ago, I was different.

In 2008, my younger sister flew up to visit me for the first Mile High Music Festival where we saw Dave Matthews...I had just started my weight loss journey - having joined Weight Watchers the Monday before she flew out.  I've lost almost over 50 pounds since then and have kept it off. 

I have changed.  And while these pictures (with me in the exact same shirt!) shows the external changes, there were many internal ones that needed to be made as well.

Being 50 pounds lighter made a huge difference in where I was able to walk and what I was able to do.  It may have been two years, but I remember the pain of dancing for just one night had on my body the next day.  This time?  I danced both nights.   Last time I worried who would see the fat girl dancing in the crowd.  This time?  I didn't care who noticed.  I felt great.

I may still have been the biggest person in our party, but I'm healthier than what I was before.  THAT matters.  THAT is still a success.

I AM willing to continue to choose better choices.  I AM willing to pass on foods that my body doesn't want.  And I'm willing to do the work that it will take to be healthier - mind, body, and soul.

Willingness made simple

Confession time:  I am not doing so well in this whole weight loss thing.

My clothes still FIT, they just don't fit the same way...and it's a constant reminder that I am failing at this.  "This" should be easy.  My plan is just listen to your body, eat when you're hungry, stop before you're full.  I eat plenty of "good" foods - fruits, veggies, protein, and complex carbs.  I don't eat many processed foods...so why am I ballooning like there is no tomorrow?

Oh yeah...it's because I'm eating when I'm not hungry and continuing to eat when I'm full.

It's the small things, right?

So today, I visited Crys' blog - and saw this quote at the top of the screen:

What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it is another matter. -Peter Drucker


Did it smack anyone else upside the head as it did me?

The whole mindful eating plan is simple - SO simple.  And yet, I'm just not doing it.  Why?  Well, I could say that I'm feeding other things, that I'm scared of shedding this fat suit sometimes, or that I'm being stubborn. I could say that since I lost my dog 6 weeks ago, I don't feel like I can regain my footing.  Those would all be true.

But the harsh truth is that I'm not doing it.  My actions indicate that I'm not willing to DO the work that comes with my plan.  Namely, I'm not pausing and following the guidelines that I've chosen to follow.

So I'm committing to you - readers that have been with me for a while and those that are new - I *WILL* follow the guidelines this week. 

This?  This post marks a changing moment in my life.  Seeing my WIDTH reasons yesterday helped me realize again just why I am doing this.  Being unhealthy only hurts me.  And it DOES hurt - my joints, my pride, my self esteem, and my body.  Sitting around feeling sad that I don't have my dog anymore won't bring her back.  I'm being self-indulgent and eating anything that might make me feel better.

I've got to be willing to change.
 
I've got to be willing to stand up for myself and say I don't want to hurt anymore...so I have to be willing to actually LISTEN to myself.
 
I AM worth something...and so are you.
 
I'm not going to give up - so please don't give up either.  We are in this together and I know that we can succeed together.
 
I've accomplished a lot in my life, I've persevered through many tough things. Listening to my body's cues to eat, stop eating, to move, and to stop moving should be easy.


So it's about time I get off my duff and do it.  Are you with me?

Pausing

'Member last week when I wrote that I was eating and eating and didn't know why and couldn't stop?  Yeah, me too.  It sucked.

Here's the thing that I didn't mention about Friday afternoon. I knew that I needed to cry about Chassis. So I actually went to a store and BOUGHT the movie "Beaches." If you haven't seen it, just know that it's almost the saddest movie ever made and gets me to cry every time. I knew I would feel silly about just sitting on my couch trying to cry, but if I had something to HELP me cry, that'd be great, wouldn't it?

Right next to the SuperMegaMart is a Dairy Queen.  So Friday at lunch, I treated myself to the DVD and a blizzard.  Okay, actually, two small blizzards. Healthy, I know.

Anyway, I went home after work, ran in the rain, took a shower, and then opened the brand new DVD case and plopped the disc into the DVD player.  NOTHING.  As in, it didn't work at all. 

So my perfect crying prompter wasn't working.  I sat on the couch and TRIED to feel sad about Chassis not being there...and I did feel sad.  I even cried a little.  But I couldn't quite get all the crying out.

Until Joe climbed into bed with me.  Then?  Why then I bawled my eyes out to Joe.  You know, the hiccuping, gasping for breath crying jags that leave you feeling like a freak and are kind of worried that you might suffocate because then someone will have to TELL people how you died and then that's all people would be talking about at your funeral?  Yep.  THAT kind of crying jag.

Honestly, I felt so much better afterwards, but I knew that the true test would come this week...when life started happening again.

Last night Joe and I were on our way home and we ran into another neighbor.  This neighbor has a little girl who came over the night before Chassis died just to meet her.  Of course, this neighbor asked about the dog- seeing as how he hadn't seen Chassis in over a month.  Joe looked at me, made a sad face, and then squeezed my hand in support as I told the neighbor what happened.

I told him in plain words and waited for the wave of grief to hit me, just as it had before.  But it didn't.  I paused, thought about it, and realized that at least for that moment, I was okay. Of course I still missed her and of course the topic was sad, but it wasn't all consuming like it was on Friday morning.

Today, I woke up and ate a piece of string cheese because I was a bit hungry.  I had a double fiber english muffin (toasted) with peanut butter on top around 11 (because that's when I was hungry).  Even though my lunch hour is at noon, I followed the guidelines of mindful eating.  I even turned my chair around at my desk so I could stare out the window as I enjoyed the english muffin.

So at noon, I went to exchange the defective DVD to SuperMegaMart.  As soon as I got in the car, I thought "Oh!  Dairy Queen is RIGHT THERE.  I can have one! YAY!"

And then right on the heels of that thought, I paused and realized that I wasn't hungry for one. 

"But you CAN have one.  No one will know!  You've eaten mindfully the last few days.  Just go ahead and treat yourself!"  These were all the thoughts in my head.

And because I have given myself permission to have one if I really want one, I decided to NOT have one.  I knew that if I *really* wanted to have one at a later time, I could, but at that moment, I didn't really want one.

I exchanged the DVD and then came back to the lunchroom where I sat without any other distractions or people and ate a slice and a half of a medium leftover pizza.  Hoo boy was that tough (to eat without distractions).  But I did it.  When I was finished, I drank more water and then paused - asking myself if I was still hungry and if I needed to eat more.  I wasn't.  So I stopped.

Now I'm at my desk, feeling satisfied with not only the amount of food that I ate, but also the progress that I've made.

I'm taking a moment to pause and bask in this success.  Because as small as it is, it's one of the few moments of success I've had recently.

I'm pausing to realize that when I actually pay attention to how I feel and truly experience those feelings, I will and can make the best choice for me - mind, body, and soul.  And that is pretty exciting.

I'm a bit scared to hit "publish" because I know that this feeling and successful actions may not last.  I'm usually waiting for the other shoe to drop and bring me back down to failure (which in my mind, is my default setting). 

But I've decided to post it anyway.  I want to document the success that I've had.  Before I changed my subheadline to the "table" quote, it used to be "This is where I come to celebrate my successes and learn from my mistakes." 

Lord knows I publish my mistakes...and since this is definitely a success, I'm celebrating it, even if it doesn't last long.

I don't wanna' grow up...

For years, I volunteered as a "teacher" for Vacation Bible School at the church I was a member of.  I LOVED volunteering for the 4, 5, and 6 year olds...as that is the age (in my opinion) where their personalities really start coming out.

For instance, one time, I asked the class what they were most thankful for.  I prompted them, "What/who do you really love?"

And a little boy promptly raised his hand and said, "PIGS!  I love pigs!"  I asked, "The things you're most thankful for - in all the world - are pigs?"  His emphatic nod followed.

It was one of the cutest things ever.

Anyway, during said VBS classes, we always had a snack time.  Usually it would be raisins, fresh fruit, or their favorite - goldfish crackers.  My assistant and I would pour them into little tiny Dixie cups...usually only half full.

And these kids would SAVOR the heck out of the treat.  They'd pick up the goldfish, laugh at it, remark at the colors (we usually had the packages that contained multi-colored crackers), line them up in some sort of order, and then put one in their mouth to chew slowly.  They'd swallow the ONE goldfish.  Then they'd crack a joke with their nearby neighbor, smile, giggle, and would eventually get around to eating another goldfish.

I'm telling you, the fifteen minutes we had for snack time were never enough.  Few kids had eaten their whole snack when snack time was up.  And to be clear, we're talking about 15 goldfish - at the max - per kid.

This memory hit me yesterday, as I was eating blueberries in our kitchen.  I was having a snack and was eating these without really tasting them, without savoring them.

I decided to take a lesson from these kids...

I sat down.  I put about a half cup of blueberries onto my napkin and picked up each berry to admire it before I popped it in my mouth.  I enjoyed the whole sensation of eating them...the burst of flavor when my teeth pierced through the skin, how some were more tart than others, and how some were a bit mushier than others.

Eating one blueberry at a time sure took longer.  But in the end, I was more satisfied than had I rushed through the entire experience.

I think that's what mindful eating means to me - being aware and appreciative of the food that is in your mouth.  Being thankful for all of the hands that touched the food before it got to your plate...for all of the farmers, irrigation specialists, truckers, and grocers. 

I used to be one of those people who would say that I was fat because I really enjoyed food.  I DO enjoy food.  But I find that I enjoy it more when I slow down and taste all of the flavors in the food.  Complex dishes are more amazing when I taste as many of the individual flavors as I can.  Cheeses are creamier and more luxurious.  Fresh veggies are more enjoyable.  If I really love food, why not show it by reveling in the tastes, textures, and loveliness of it?

This week, you won't get any huge, complex goals out of me - sure I want to continue to lose weight, but I think I'll go back to the basics.

I want to enjoy the food I eat.  I don't want to eat things that taste icky.  I want to take time with my food.  I want to decrease my typical frantic pace of eating and actually TASTE my food. 

Just like a child.

I need your advice

Thank you for all of your kind comments from this weekend's post. I was able to get it back on track Saturday and Sunday. Both Joe and I have been exhausted lately so it really helped that I got quite a bit of sleep. I ended up taking a LOT of Advil over the weekend because the headache would pop up just when I thought I had it licked. I also make sure to drink extra water, just in case. I'm usually pretty good about water intake as a first response to headaches, but I made EXTRA sure. :)

So, I'm hoping to get your advice on something else...something that you all probably have a lot more experience with than I do.

Joe has gained weight since Thanksgiving. He's now 165ish instead of the 150ish that he was when I met him. Can I tell the difference? Yes. He now has a belly where his 6 pack used to reside. But do I care? No. If he's healthy, I don't care about him being a bit heavier (but still in the normal BMI range).

But he cares. He cares a lot.

This weekend he talked about it several times (albeit in short conversations) where he was remarking on how sluggish he feels and how he doesn't like the way he looks. Of course, I gave him verbal and physical praise (please, that's like the one thing a fat girl KNOWS how to do), but I felt a bit helpless because I wasn't sure what I should do. Should I suggest things to him? Should I give him advice? Should I tell him that he looks great just as he is?

In the end, I said that I wanted to be supportive of his any goal he has to be healthier -mind, body, and spirit, but that I wasn't sure how supportive he wanted me to be AND I wasn't sure how he wanted me to show my support. He basically said, "Okay. I'll think about that" which left me not knowing.

We did have an interesting conversation where I asked him what he did to lose the weight before (about a year and a half ago, he lost the same 15 pounds). He said that he worked out a lot. I asked him if he changed anything about his diet and he said no, and that he didn't want to. (aside: Joe eats healthfully - he just eats more than what any one person could or should need.) He said that if he ate differently or less, he would feel miserable and would be grumpy.

So his game plan? Start working out often again. "Often" means every morning and an evening or two during the week.

Here's what I'm doing:

• When I cook, I'm cooking less. I notice that if I cook three servings of something, Joe will inevitably finish off the last bit because he doesn't want to "waste it." And yes, I've told him that it's a waste to have it go to our waists, but he disagrees. I've cooked extra so that we have something to take to work for lunch, but if he eats it it never makes it to the fridge. It seems to me like either way, I'm out a lunch for the next day, so I might as well just cook less in the first place.
• I'm working out with him. This morning, we got out of bed early and I ran a quick two miles while he worked out. I might not want to do this every morning, but I was happy to do it today.
• I'm setting our bedtime as an earlier time. Because we live Downtown, Joe prefers to walk with me when I take the dog out for the last time at night. I appreciate his concern for my safety, but it usually means that we go to bed around 10:30. So when the alarm goes off in the morning both of us would rather sleep in until 6. So the past few nights, we've taken the dog out earlier so we've been able to get to bed earlier.
• I'm not baking or buying extra sweets at the store. I would usually do this because I knew it pleased him, but I don't want him to feel like I'm sabotaging him, so I will stop.
• I'm being more vocal about me being hungry (and then eating) or me NOT being hungry and then not eating. I know that he knows my plan, but it is also my hope that he might think about this a bit more - it wouldn't impact what he eats, but rather how much of it that he does eat.

What else do you think I can do to support?

Has your partner ever gained weight? If so, what did you do? Were your attempts successful?

Also, when we go out to restaurants, I order what I truly want. But sometimes, I only eat a third of what is on the plate. He sometimes eats the remainder of my food in addition to his food. What do I do in this situation?

Like I said, *I* don't care that he's a bit heavier. But because I love him, I want him to be healthy AND I want him to feel loved for who he is. I think my issues with food and weight have me discombobulated as to how to be supportive but not be personally invested in his mood regarding weight. I'm not co-dependent about anything else with him, so I don't want to start now.

All suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.


Also, some of you have been asking about mindful eating and how to do it. I saw this post from one of the blogs I read religiously...it's great - it goes into 12 habits for a more mindful eating practice. No matter what plan you're on, I think following these 12 steps will help you feel more in control and more balanced. Or at least that's what I always come away feeling. I also recommend the site that it comes from - that's where I've gotten some great yoga poses that help rejuvenate or calm me, depending on what I've needed at the time.

The Guidelines

I'm sorry I was absent yesterday. I totally have a note from my mom excusing me though.

Yesterday was week 2's weigh in for the VBL (Virtual Biggest Loser Competition) that I'm "competing" in.

I'm proud to report that even after eating a delightful gnocchi dinner (complete with a very salty garlic bread and cream sauce) on Monday night, I was still down 1.2 pounds yesterday morning from the week before. Obviously, when you eat a sodium packed meal such as I did, you're likely to retain water...so if I were a betting person, I'd say that I'm probably down a bit more than the 1.2 that the scale showed.

Whatever, I'm totally taking it.

I wrote about it this weekend (because I kind of broke my own guideline of letting go of the scale), but I feel great that I'm down weight while still enjoying the foods that I love. Amanda mentioned this in her comment, but I think that my wanting to check my weight is because I'm still checking to make sure that my eating plan "works."

So what is this plan? Well, I've talked about it before in some general terms, but here we go - here are the guidelines that I follow as much as I can (taken from Geneen Roth, author of "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating" and "Women, Food, and God"):

• Eat when you are hungry.
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
• Eat what your body wants.
• Eat until you are satisfied.
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

The one I struggle with the most is eating without distractions...it still feels so unnatural. But I'm working on it.

Anyway, the 1.2 pound loss is really just some great feedback that what I'm doing not only feels good to me emotionally, but that I'm also getting the benefits of my body being at a healthier weight.

Sure, I've had stuff like ice cream, chocolate, M&Ms, full fat cheeses, potatoes, and chips. But I've also had a lot of veggies, whole grains, fruits, and lean proteins.

It's (GASP!) a balanced eating plan.

It's also helping me realize that the emotions that I have (those that I would usually turn to food to comfort) still need to be dealt with. I'm working on that too.

I'm happy. I feel healthy. I feel in tune with my body. And I'm finding that I don't hate my body any more.

Life, right now, is pretty frickin' great. I'm just saying.

I choose hope

The run that I wrote about in my last post was Saturday morning. It was organized by my Weight Watchers leader, Angela, and was...well...okay.

First, I didn't want to get out of bed because Joe was all cute, snuggly, and warm. Second, I didn't want to go because I didn't want to feel pressured to run either my fastest time (to win) or a 10K. Third (and in the TMI department so feel free to skip this), I was cramping. A lot. As in once every few months, I cramp so badly that I just want to curl up and wait it out with hot pads on my abdomen.

But, I went anyway. I got ready to run and then my leader asked those that were there (about 30 of us) which of us were running. I was the only one.

I was sluggish. Like feeling-like-I-was-running-through-marshmallow-creme sluggish. I just didn't have energy (which could be related to the mass exodus that my uterus was invoking OR could maybe possibly have something to do with the fact that I had more than a few Mini Butterfinger bars the day before).

Since I was the only runner, I finished first.

Yes, I could've forced myself to do it all over again and do a 10K, which was my original goal. But I was spent. It was HOT that morning and I was already feeling so sluggish that I really didn't think I had it in me. Even though I had taken Zyrtec AND my inhaler before running, I was still coughing up a ton of stuff and wheezing horribly (this has lasted all through the weekend - even still when I breathe I have a rattle in my lungs and I'm EXHAUSTED).

So instead of doing a 10K, I accepted the high fives and then ran back to the next group of people that I knew. I walked with them 'til the finish line. Then I ran back again to find another friend and finished with him. I didn't do a 10K, but I did much more than a 5K. And it's probably the only time in my life I'll actually WIN a "race." It felt strange but I'm proud nonetheless.

Technically, I'm a winner.

There was one down part during the day where I realized that this group was probably not for me any longer. I was standing at the finish line talking with some members of the meeting (and my leader) and someone asked about a gal that used to attend. Her name is Fi and she was running a lot and training for some sort of step climbing competition.

Anyway, about 6-8 weeks ago she stopped coming. People were asking our leader if she'd heard anything from her and my leader said that she hadn't. We remarked that that was too bad - since we really liked her.

AND THEN she said, "But you know, she'll be back. Maybe it will be a year, maybe it'll be two, but she'll be back. They always come back."

People around me nodded their heads in agreement but I shrank inwards.

I'm feeling a lot of things at that statement - fear that my approach of mindful/intuitive eating won't work, anger for encouraging the fear that our weight will come back if we don't do WW, as well as frustration of the insensitivity towards other people.

I believe that we can live intuitively. I believe that it is possible. It MUST be possible. I believe that we are worthy of our own trust.

I'm tired of mediating the war between what WW teaches paired with what my meeting talks about and what the knowledge that is inside me says.

I asked Joe for his advice and he asked three simple questions:

1) Does what you learn or experience at WW help you in your journey to lose weight the way that you are trying to lose weight now (intuitive/mindful eating)?
2) Do you feel like you can disregard the number on the scale COMPLETELY while still going to the meetings?
3) Is there another pressing reason you want to go OTHER than the fact that you don't want your leader to say the same stuff about you as what she did about Fi?

My answers to all of those questions were "No."

So I'm not going to go.

I sort of want to go to say good-bye. This is a group that I've spent almost 2 years with. But, like Joe said, I can stop by in a few months if I want - just to say hi.

I'm a little sad. I'm more than a little scared.

Maybe Angela is right. Maybe I will come back in a year or sooner.

But in the back of my head a voice is asking, what if I'M right? What if I CAN be trusted? What if this plan CAN work?

I want to be the person who chooses hope over fear.

And so I will.

Progress by any other name would smell as sweet...

This morning I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained three pounds since yesterday morning.

GASP!

Here's where you might be shaking your head saying "See! I knew it! She can't keep her act together! Mindless and intuitive eating DOESN'T work!" *

But you'd be wrong.

First, I don't weigh myself regularly. I just don't want to micromanage that part of my life. It's a crutch that I don't need these days.

So how'd I weigh myself two days in a row? Well, I weighed myself yesterday because I couldn't remember if Katy's contest started yesterday or today. I read her blog last night, realized it started today, and weighed myself again.

Sunday, Joe and I went to the Cheesecake Factory. I got one of their salads (dry) and ate about a fourth of it. I also got a piece of cheesecake to go. We ended up going to a BBQ where I had a few pieces of tortellini, two pieces of awesome cookie/chocolate chip/caramel/coconut bar of wonderfulness. I also had a few beers. But I just wasn't hungry enough to have a hot dog or hamburger. So I didn't. I listened to my body; I honored it.

So yeah, Monday morning, my weight was probably down lower than what it typically would've been.

Yesterday I had two eggs, two pieces of toast, and the rest of the salad and cheesecake throughout the day. The thing was, last night when we were watching our typical end-of-the-weekend movie, I ate one serving of the salad (which is admittedly large) and then realized I was still hungry. So I honored my body and ate more.

There are also certain (ahem) bathroom activities that has happened before the time of weighing yesterday that had not yet occurred today. Short aside: In our house, we call that "opening a jar of pickles" just in case you're wondering. We also call farting "letting rainbows escape" as that is what I am filled with...sunshine and rainbows. Too much information? Yeah. Probably so. Sorry 'bout that.

When I saw the 3 pound gain, I just saw it as feedback. I literally shrugged my shoulders and thought, "Yup. That's about right." I got off the scale, put it in the closet (which is where it is kept) and hopped into the shower. I thought of my plans for the rest of the day. I thought of the friends that I'll see this week. But I didn't think of the number that was on that scale. I had already forgotten about it.

In years past, I would've felt guilty for eating all that I did yesterday even before I stepped on the scale. I would've dreaded getting on the scale this morning because it would reflect the shame that I already felt. I would've remembered that the cheesecake was about ninety bazillion points and calories and would've taken the increased number on the scale as proof that I was weak. I would've silently hated myself, gotten off the scale, shoved it far back in the closet, gotten in the shower and as I'd clean my body, I'd be thinking of how F-A-T I was. I would've resolved to be extra strict today to lose the weight as quickly as possible. I would've thought of the number on that scale ALL DAY LONG.

I like my new way better. I feel good. My body got the nutrition it needed. My soul doesn't feel deprived either.

I love this way of living. I love not having to feel shame about food or a number on the scale.

In other news, although I'm not back to using the third notch on my belt comfortably, I'm REALLY close. I can notch it there and walk, talk, breathe, and eat. I just can't sit as comfortably as I like...but I'm close.

It's proof that my soul isn't the only thing that feels great. The weight and inches ARE coming off.


*As much as I don't want to admit it, I've received a few emails from people saying that my plan is not a good one, not a healthy one, and not a maintainable one. I'm so thankful that I can trust my own gut and realize that what is right for me now is this plan. I believe that it will be a struggle at times. But I believe that it CAN work. I believe that I can be free of restrictive thoughts. I believe that I can live freely.

My plan is simple, but not easy

SIMPLE: sim·ple   /ˈsɪmpəl/ [sim-puhl]
–adjective
1.easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.
2.not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.
3.not ornate or luxurious; unadorned: a simple gown.
4.unaffected; unassuming; modest: a simple manner.
5.not complicated: a simple design.

EASY: eas·y /ˈizi/ [ee-zee]
–adjective
1. not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort: a book that is easy to read; an easy victory.
2. free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care: He led an easy life.
3. providing or conducive to ease or comfort; comfortable: an easy stance; an easy relationship.
4. fond of or given to ease; easygoing: an easy disposition.
5. not harsh or strict; lenient: an easy master.
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My eating plan is simple. Eat when you're hungry; don't eat when you're not hungry. In fact, when you boil it down to that, how could it be any simpler?

The problem is that almost all of our lives, we've adapted that eating plan to be:
Eat when your mom tells you to finish all the food on your plate.
Eat when your Aunt Martha spent all day baking that cake JUST FOR YOU.
Eat when you finished your first ballet performance.
Eat when it's your birthday.
Eat when you go on your first date.
Eat when you get dumped.
Eat when you feel left out.
Eat when you feel like you need a pick me up.
Eat when you need to grieve.
Eat when you're happy.
Eat when you're scared.
Eat when you're bored.
Eat when you're tired.
Eat when you don't know what else to do.
Eat when you feel out of control.
Eat to feel in control.

I've eaten for all of those reasons - and about eleventy billion more.

So eating when I'm hungry? It's not as easy for me as you might think. In fact, sometimes it's quite difficult.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie asked what was going on before I ate (and ate) in my last post. The answer is: Everything. I've felt rushed and stressed...and so tying in with my body to find out it if was hungry or not just didn't happen.

After the last post (and all of your supportive comments), I decided to cut myself some slack. Those of you who have been living/practicing mindful and intuitive eating have let me know that this is a process and a journey. I can't expect to get it right every time all of the time.

So here's what I've figured out so far: deprivation dieting doesn't work for me - or at least it doesn't work for me for long. Stuffing my feelings with food doesn't feel right either.

But this mindful eating practice? When I do it, it feels really right. I like how I feel when I fuel my body with the stuff it likes and requires to be healthy - and that includes sleep, hugs, and good heart felt conversations.

I like feeling heard. I like listening to myself.

I like knowing that when my body is hungry, I can trust myself to nourish it. I like not living in fear of getting hungry.

I like knowing that I can get the full fat gouda slices for my sandwich without feeling guilty. I like not feeling like I'm cheating when I pass on the plastic fat free cheese slices.

Right now it's taking a lot of time to figure out what I want to eat, when I want to eat, and when I need to stop eating. So, my eating plan isn't easy - at least not right now.

But the struggle IS worth it. *I* am worth it.

I am worth feeling content, happy, loved, rested, and harmonious with my body.

What do you do to feel in tune with yourself and your body?

One step forward, two steps back

Monday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting as planned. I talked with my leader about what I wanted and what I needed. I explained to her that I wanted to focus on mindful eating rather than getting caught up in and obsessed with the numbers - either points values for food or my actual weight.

I explained to her that it was important to me to try the mindful eating approach. I told her that I didn't want to be calculating points for the rest of my life. I told her I wanted my life back. I told her that I might gain weight over the short run but that I was confident that I would lose it eventually. I wanted to try this right now.

She heard me out and was supportive. I exhaled a sigh of relief.

Then I got on the scale.

I was down 2.8 pounds from when I weighed in almost a month before.

I was happy - this healthy mindfulness seems to work! I had been mindful all weekend - eating what it took to feel satisfied but no more. I REALLY scanned my body for hunger signals before eating...and when I felt hunger, I ate what I was wanting. Sometimes my body wanted carrots, sometimes it wanted cheese, sometimes it wanted fruit, and sometimes it wanted protein (so I had a hard boiled egg).

This week started with a mindful breakfast and a tuna fish sandwich that I had for lunch on Monday. Halfway through, I realized I wasn't hungry and didn't finish it. I mindfully consumed breakfasts and lunches on Tuesday and Wednesday.

But last night? I ate. A lot. To be fair, I fixed dinner* after I shopped for the ingredients...so we didn't even eat until 8:30 - and I know from experience that that's too late for me to eat because I'm ravenous by then. But I kept eating. I didn't stop halfway through to see if I was still hungry. I just kept eating. I went to bed full.

This morning, I looked in the fridge to see what I would eat for lunch and was saddened to see that I still had blueberries and blackberries from almost two weeks ago. They are on the verge of going bad. I felt like I should eat them. So even though I wasn't hungry, I ate them this morning with a sausage biscuit that I stopped off to get on the way in to work.

And today for lunch? I ate my whole lunch and didn't pause halfway through like I have been trying to do. In fact, when I started eating, I wasn't even hungry.

I'm reading a book called "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth and it's fantastic so far. In it, she coaches her eaters readers to eat until they are satisfied - eating what their body actually wants. She states that if you're eating when you're not hungry it'll be next to impossible to tell when to stop. Because if you're eating without a trigger in the first place, it'll be hard to figure out when the trigger is no longer...well...triggered. I think in the next chapter she writes about how to stop eating when they need to. Obviously not only have I not gotten to that part yet, but the concept seems simple.

So now, as I'm writing this, I'm full AGAIN - for the third meal in a row. And I'm disappointed with myself. Katy wrote today about her inner b!tch saying mean things to herself. I'm echoing her thoughts I guess - although not about my size.

My voice is telling me that if I can't even do this for a few days in a row, what kind of hope do I have for succeeding in the long run? My voice is telling me that this is a stupid thing - to go off the points/weight grid mentality. My voice is telling me that this mindfulness won't work. I'm tempted to count up all of the points I've consumed today to try to figure out if I can switch to counting points for the rest of the day - so I can feel some semblance of control.

And that makes me sad too.

So, instead of counting up the points, I'm going to try to stay present with my feeling of fullness. I'm going to try to be mindful of how I feel right now...bloated, full, and a bit lethargic.

I'm coaching myself to believe what I preach - that this is not the end of the world. I'm trying to put it in perspective.

I'm encouraging myself to be mindful at dinner.

I'm reminding myself that if I've lived 32 years by eating to soothe and on auto-pilot, it will take longer than a few days to NOT eat on auto-pilot when I actually try to put it into rigorous practice. But I will be successful, ultimately.

And maybe - hopefully - I'll actually believe it today.


*Which really, this should be a celebration all it's own. I hardly ever cook...but I decided that cooking ONE meal a week would be a great start. Last night, I made lasagna and it was SO good! I'm starting to figure out the simple pleasure of preparing an actual meal from start to finish, enjoying a meal that I made, and watching Joe enjoy it too. It was a wonderful feeling and I can't wait to try out a new recipe this next week.

Big Heist, Big Payoff

You know those movies where they show burglars trying to get into the bank vault?

They inevitably have a stethoscope, some sort of lock picking set, and (of course) experience with picking locks. Usually there is some sort of sensitive time situation where the burglar is saying that he's almost got the lock unlocked...he's almost there. Just a few more seconds and then...payoff!

In the movie, you can hear the tumblers falling into place. It seems that the burglar can almost FEEL the lock coming open.

Well, it occurred to me this past week that that's kind of where I think I am when it comes to my relationship with food.

I'm armed with my stethoscope - which in my mind is my intuition - a very useful tool if only I listen to it. If and when I listen to my body, I'll be able to figure out what to eat, what it needs, what it craves, and how it feels when I'm hungry.

I'm armed with my lock picking tools - which in my mind are the books that I've read or plan on reading on this subject. They can or will help me figure out HOW to listen to my body. They will reinforce my healthy habits and my belief that food does not have to be something I stuff down without being mindful. In this batch of tools, there are also some distraction and coping techniques for when I'm craving food for emotional reasons.

I'm listening to my body. I'm listening to my heart. I'm learning that food can be something that is utilized simply for fuel. I'm learning that exercise can be done because it's fun and feels good rather than a way to punish myself for eating too much of something I "shouldn't have."

And you know what? I don't have that vault unlocked just yet. But I can feel that it's coming loose. I can almost hear the tumblers falling into place.

And just like the burglar in the movie, there are just a few more lessons I have to learn and then I get the big payoff. I get to be free of overeating foods until I'm stuffed. I get to be free of all of the emotions that come along with eating past the point of satiety. I get to be free of the shame, the guilt, and the passive act of violence against myself which IS what compulsive overeating is.

It also means that even if I find myself up against that locked vault again, I'll be able to know that because I've unlocked it once, I can do it again. As I practice picking that lock again and again, I'll have the experience to know what to do when in a high stress situation - be it moving, changing jobs, death of someone I love, getting married, having babies, or anything else life will bring.

The payoff? It's actually LIVING life.

So, in other words, I'm stealing my life back.