Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.

There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.

And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 

But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 

Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes.  Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

We've been fired...

...by our couples therapist.

Yup, that's right.  A bit over a week ago, Julie, our therapist, sat Joe and me down and said that we were the healthiest of her patients and she really couldn't do anything more for us.  She said we had a great vibe and that we communicate well.  We've literally been tested and our compatability is great.  We've discussed what we want and need out of our relationship.  We've met each other's needs.  We've gone through our training and can now talk our way through conflict such that even Dr. Phil would be proud (and is it just me or does he seem like he'd be not easy to please?).

Joe immedietly gave me a high-five.  And I immediately said something like, "You do know that she's just saying we're the best of the worst."  What?  It's true!

Alright, alright.  It *is* wonderful.  We've done well with the homework and exercises that she's had us do.

But now it's officially up to Joe as to whether this relationship continues or not.

He's seeing a new therapist (his old one seemed to think that I was simply wrong for him and that he would commit once he found the "right one."  Julie completely disagrees and feels like his issues on not commiting have very little to do with the women that he's dated and everything to do with the fact that he doesn't seem to like close relationships).  His new therapist is someone that Julie highly recommended.  She doesn't take insurance so Joe is paying full price out of pocket weekly.  Clearly, he is trying and I believe that he deserves a lot of kudos for that.

She does want to see us again in 6 weeks to discuss the progress that Joe is making in his therapy and how I'm working on my stuff.

My "stuff" is to press for my own healthy entitlement...in short, to stand up for myself.  I've held strong to my "I need to have a ring on my finger by 2012 or we're through" ultimatum - and it's a stance that both my therapist and Julie have avidly supported me in.  I always thought that ultimatums were bad - they say they're only bad if you don't follow through on them or abuse them. 

(sigh)

Anyway, since I figured you all might be wondering, I thought I'd give you an update.

P.S.  Oh, and if he was 40% sure about getting married to me back in April, he's now at 45%.  Know what's more painful than watching a pot boil or paint dry?  Watching Joe's percentage SLOOOOOWLY creep up.  I mean, it's good, but sometimes, it's just painful.

I am OUTTA here!

Joe and I are going away for the weekend on a vacation to celebrate our anniversary.

That's right, one year ago tomorrow, I had my first date with the man that captured my heart (I know...you're puking right about now).

Anyway, I'm not sure where we're going or what we'll be doing, but it will be fun and a much needed distraction from our too empty house.

Love to you all - and have a great weekend.

P.S. Because I'm silly in love, look at these flowers he sent me! I'm a sucker for daisies...

(swoon)


The first set arrived in a broken vase with broken stems. A quick call to the florist and I got a replacement arrangement AND they didn't take back the previous arrangement. I put the new set in a different vase and got rid of the ones that were broken...and voila! TWO sets of flowers! :) :) :)

Joe says that I should say that the second set are from my secret boyfriend. Audra and I decided that the secret boyfriend HAD to be Canadian (aren't they all?). I had already decided that his name is George Glass (any Brady fans out there?).

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Note: this post is not about weight loss, but it is about my life. Feel free to skip it if you wish...but I just didn't feel right in not writing about it.

A year ago today, I met my Joe.

See, I had finally decided that I was ready to try to start dating again. And, because I am fairly impatient, I'd decided that internet dating wasn't really for me. Believe me, I gave internet dating a good go, but in the end, it was like a roller coaster. You get your hopes up by email - hoping that this guy is as fabulous as you think he is and when you meet in person, you crash when you realize that the chemistry just isn't there.

So, I figured I'd rather meet a guy, have a conversation, share a few smiles, and then decide that I liked him enough to continue dating him. You know, like how they did in the olden days. Only without the square dancing.

So I signed up for a "Speed Date" night. In truth, I had tried it once before and had less than desirable results. When I went the year before, I was very heavy and felt SO unattractive. I made jokes, I smiled, I tried my best to flirt, but the only person who picked me to date again was a pastor. And I'm so not even kidding.

(Small aside: So after the speed dating event the first time, I had to go to the bathroom. Overheard from the other stall in the women's bathroom :

Woman A: UGH that was so embarrassing!

Woman B: What?

A: Well I was talking to this guy and I was telling him about my job.

B: Uh-huh...

A: And then he said "Well, my job is really interesting too!"

B: Uh-huh...

A: And I said, "Are you in porn?" And he said, "No. I'm a pastor."

B: Oh.

A: So then I said, "Oh GOD! I'm so sorry - did I just sin? Oh God! I did it again. Oh...gosh! I keep taking His name in vain!"

B: Oh no!

AND........... SCENE! )

But, because in addition to being impatient I'm a slow learner, I decided to go again.

I was told to sit at table #2...which I figured was a bad sign. I mean, who wants to sit at the poop table?

But I did anyway. My first date of the night? Joe. We joked, we talked about books, and laughed about a horrible painting on the wall. I told him that I worked with valves (I do...and it's just as exciting as it sounds) and he said that he would call me "Valve Girl." I asked if he could shorten it to "ValveGrrl" because that sounded cooler and more street savvy. He laughed and said yes. When our time was up, he moved on to the next table and that was it.

Later that night, we were able to pick who we wanted to see again and to be honest, I almost didn't pick anyone. I *thought* that if you didn't pick anyone, you got to go again. But then I read the fine print and saw that you only got to go again for free if no one picked you. I had already had an alert that someone had picked me, so I figured that I'd go ahead and pick the two guys that I was slightly interested in.

Which brings me to my first lesson: TAKE A CHANCE ON PEOPLE - even if you think that they might not be worth it.

Joe emailed me right away via the website address and we quickly exchanged "real" email addresses and phone numbers. What could go wrong?

A few days had gone by, I hadn't heard from him, so I decided that he had changed his mind. "No big deal," I told myself. "I wasn't that into him anyway."

The thing is, he DID send an email. And the email started out as "Dear ValveGrrl:" which my gmail account had decided was clearly spam. His email was in my spam box and I never even checked.

So now, from Joe's perspective, I'd just blown him off. And in a way that is COMPLETELY uncharacteristic of him (usually he would've just let it go), he called me several days later because he was peeved.

I answered the phone, in my old place that had virtually zero cell phone reception and actually completed the entire phone call. During which, I learned that he is absolutely one of the funniest people I'd ever had the privilege to talk to.

So my second lesson? If you want something, go after it...risk rejection!

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Sure, we've had some struggles...like when I was on the Nuvaring and almost ripped his face off on a regular basis due to hormone imbalances, but for the most part, it's been wonderful, ideal, and absolutely fantastic.

I love this man, with all of my heart. And some days? I can't believe that I got so lucky to have him in my life as my partner. He supports me, loves me, and motivates me. In the storm that is sometimes my life, he is the safe shelter.

And today, I'm celebrating the fact that I've been lucky enough to just have known him for a year. Tonight we're going to the restaurant where we had our first date (which was actually on the 26th, but we're planning on being out of town next weekend).

A little over a month ago, we talked about our living situation. I sold my place in April and although I had every expectation to move out and find a new home, I found that after a week or two, I just didn't want to. So we talked and we decided that we both were really happy...and that we didn't want to live apart from each other. So, yes...we're officially living together. And now we're talking seriously about marriage and kids.

Honestly, my life has changed so much in the last year. I can't wait to see what the next year brings! :)

I'll Love 'Em

As I wrote, Saturday I participated in the "Love 'Em or Leave 'Em 5K" in a small suburb of Denver.

My boyfriend and I drove down to the race where we FROZE waiting for the race to start. It was in the 30s, but because the wind was blowing so hard and the sun wasn't out, it felt much much colder. He didn't actually participate in the race (despite him being physically fit, he isn't much of a runner yet) but instead read a book in the warm car.

I appreciated his support so much. It helped knowing that while I was running this crazy, cold race, someone was waiting for me to finish. :)

My result was my fastest time yet. As I crossed the finish line, the lady yelled that I finished in 34'16".* I was thrilled. Up until now, my fastest time was 34'49" during the Turkey Trot in November of last year. The fact that I ran this race as fast as I did was pretty cool. The race was so poorly planned that there were a lot of injuries and a lot of confusion. The course was rocky and bumpy (like running through an abandoned field) and it was covered with ice in some areas. I saw at least five people trip, fall, or roll their ankles. They were accompanied by friends who helped them (or else I would've) but I hope that they were okay.

When I finished the race, we went out to breakfast and enjoyed a nice leisurely day. And that day? It led to the best morning that I've had in a while.

Because the next morning was Valentine's Day and the guy that I'm dating? He is absolutely wonderful. I've had my share of guys that have said that they loved me but didn't treat me like they did. My boyfriend? He does both. When I woke up the next morning to 5" of snow on the ground and was worried that I wouldn't get enough stuff done before being able to leave on my flight, he went outside and swept the snow off my car. Then he ran a quick errand for me and he even bought me breakfast and delivered it to me at a convenient intersection after I dropped off my dog just because he knew that I didn't have enough time to eat.

I love this man. And he loves me. It feels glorious to know that. So, when faced with the choice of loving him or leaving him? Well, I think I'll keep him.