Get back up!

"Success consists of getting back up just one more time than you fall." -- Oliver Goldsmith

It's one thing to start out the new year saying that you're going to stick to a new game plan.  The fresh vow and promise of a new future are alluring.  And it's exciting to get caught up in the momentum and the thoughts of what could be.

Until you hit your first snag or setback.

Weight loss is simple...but it definitely isn't easy all the time.

Monday night I had plans with a friend for sushi.  I'm not going to lie to you, I ate/drank most of my weekly flext points that night at dinner but it was awesome.  But I tracked all the points.

Tuesday I tracked and stayed within my points range.

But Wednesay night?  That's a whole other story.

It started with me going to Costco this weekend.  I tried a sample of this broccoli slaw salad and although it was heavily dressed, I figured I could just use less dressing.  So I bought the jumbo sized bag.

Well, Wednesday night, I saw the broccoli slaw and thought that that would make a great appetizer.  Only when I looked at the nutrition label I was stumped because the serving size was the whole bag.  And the "bag" included all the veggies, but also dried cranberries, cashews, and the dressing.  I estimated the points to the best of my ability and found that I had already gone over my points for the day.

But I was still sooooo hungry!

So I ate. 

While I think it's good that we eat when we're hungry, I didn't even make the best choices.  Once I realized that I was over my points target, I indulged a bit more. 

I found myself being disappointed.  I didn't even follow the plan two days in a row.  Honestly?  I felt like a failure, if only a little bit.

At the end of the night, I ended up 12 points in the hole for the week.  Especially frustrating since I know that it's going to be difficult to stay within my points range this weekend.

But just like every other day before, the night ended.  And Thursday, in the light of the new morning, I realized I had it in me to stay on track - at least for that day.  Besides, that's all I really have control of anyway, right?  Yesterday has passed.  Today we can start again.

Thursday night ended with me being a bit under points.  Why? Because I wasn't as hungry.

So the thing that I'm happy about today?  Not that I ate less points yesterday than the day before.  Not that I feel so much better today than what I did a week ago by eating less junk.

I'm thrilled that I started over on Thursday morning; I started with the very next meal.  I thought about what might have contributed to my extreme hunger the night before and then I front loaded my day with more protein and points so that I wasn't famished by the time I got home.

I think I'm starting to realize that failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up.

Thank you

I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but I couldn't - because the mantra that kept pouring out of me was "Thank you."

Seriously.  Your advice, emails, and listening ears regarding my last post helped out a ton.

To be honest, I'm not sure I ever really thought about things the way that some of you wrote.  I mean, yes, I've written about what Geneen Roth calls your "inclination to bolt" as a way to zone out of your life as it stands... but in some ways I wasn't aware of how deep it could go.  I knew I was afraid of feeling empty and alone, but I didn't really think to figure out WHY those feelings were so uncomfortable.

I've done some processing about why that feels so darn uncomfortable and my hope is that I'll be able to put those issues to rest - or at least to peace.

Truthfully, like every time I drop a bomb (something that I've been holding in and not sharing) on this blog, it felt better just writing what was going on in my head.  This was no exception.

I have a lot to think about.

In the meantime, our second session with the couples counselor is tonight - where hopefully we'll be able to figure out more about how much longer I'm willing to wait and how much thought he's putting into this.  I know he's trying.  Guys don't agree to go to a therapist for the first time in their lives weekly AND add in a couples counselor if they're not at least willing to do some work on the subject.  And I know he wouldn't go through all this just for anyone.

Is that enough?  And if it is, will it be enough for forever?  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

In other news, I had the third (and hopefully final) interview on Tuesday and I feel like it went really well.  If they do offer something that is within my requested salary range, I'll take it and be happy.  They said that I would hear soon and when I left, the HR manager gave me a benefits package to review "until the next time that we talk."  The two people I interviewed with indicated several times that they would give me an offer.

Lastly, I've started to do some thinking about how to structure my eating, my approach to eating, or my plan of eating a bit better.

I believe that intuitive eating CAN work...but I believe that I need some more structure.  I brainstormed with some ways on how to do this - and maybe it means sticking strongly to the "rules" that Geneen has written about in many of her books.  Maybe it means taking pictures of my food before I eat so that I can pause and actually decide how hungry I am before I start.

Whatever the case, I feel more optimistic today that the cycle of overeating can and will stop. 

And that?  Is progress.

Failure

Several months ago, I wrote about how I had a life changing epiphany while listening to a podcast. For those that don't know, a podcast is like an out-loud version of a newspaper column. It can be live, although the ones that I listen to aren't.

I listen to many podcasts, but the first one I listened to was Dan Savage's Lovecast, which is a sex podcast. It can be a bit bizarre, but during one podcast, I found a wonderful correlation between my weight and the advice he was giving regarding a sexual question.

I encourage you to read my previous post here.

Dan Savage has many people call up and ask for advice. Since I've listened to just about every podcast that he's put on I've heard him give advice on the topic of break-ups more than once.

Someone will call up and cry about their current relationship and say that they don't want to end it... because what if they don't find someone else? Sometimes someone will call up having been recently dumped and they're sad because they feel like they will never find someone as good as the guy they just had. Even if he was a douche canoe. What if they live the rest of their life alone?

Or maybe someone single calls in discouraged because they just can't find someone they really want to date. They've had many relationships that have failed and they feel that they are somehow intrinsically flawed.

And here's where Dan says something that I've heard him say hundreds of times:

Every relationship fails, until one doesn't.

I know. It seems logical, right?

I mean, when you were a teenager and your heart was broken, didn't you just feel like the world was going to end? Don't you remember those days of despair? What did your mom tell you? The pain will ease. There will be another boy - one who is better, more handsome, and will pass you notes in homeroom.

But the other day, I was listening to it and I realized that that is EXACTLY the same truth for dieting, weight loss, healthy lifestyles, and exercise.

Every attempt we have fails until one doesn't.

Because how many of us "fail" and then wail that we'll NEVER be able to be successful? I know I did.

I've done Atkins, South Beach, The Zone Diet, Weight Watchers, modified fasting diets, the Carbohydrate Addicts Diet, and LA Weight Loss Diets just to name a few. I'm telling you, I have been there. Hell, we ALL have been there

Each time that I would gain the weight back, have a bad week or day, I would think, "This is IT! I can't do it. I'm just supposed to be fat the rest of my life." And with that, I'd stop whatever diet I was on and promptly give up.

Until this time.

In a few weeks, I will have been at this healthy journey for two years. I've started relationships and ended them. I've gained a few pounds along the way (and then lost them again). I've ended friendships and found new ones. I've had losses, layoffs, and letdowns. I've lost 55 pounds in almost two years, a far cry from the 111 I had set out to lose by this time. But I haven't given up.
Don't give up either.

You wouldn't tell a 16 year old that because she had a breakup, she was destined to live alone the rest of her life, would you? You wouldn't encourage her to stay up in her room and brood about how unfair life is.

So let's not do that to ourselves.

Maybe your plan needs tweaking. Maybe you're triggering an old pain with something that is going on now. Maybe you need more nurturing in other areas of you life. Maybe you do have a slow metabolism (hello, unfair life!) and you need to figure out ways to kick start it.

One thing is for certain: There is a better you that is out there. This person is thinner, more confident, more secure, and healthier. And that person cannot WAIT to live life.

YOU are worth loving. YOU are worth caring about. And YOU are worthy of having a healthy relationship with food.

How is having one "bad" day, one gain, or one setback any different than going on a bad first date?

We've got to brush ourselves off and try again. I believe Dan. I believe that every relationship fails until one doesn't. And I believe that if we are honest enough with ourselves, we can make our relationship with health work.

Failure isn't forever. It's just a mindset.

Up a little, down a lot

My Weight Watchers meeting was last night...and I gained 1.6 pounds.

I hate going to the meetings when I gain. I hate walking into the facility knowing that I am heavier and knowing that I'm farther back in my goals than I'd like to admit.

But something happens EVERY TIME I get off the scale after I've gained.

The world keeps spinning. People laugh. Babies are born.

And no one, excluding myself, cares that I gained.

I know why I gained - it's easy. My week was filled with good foods and next to no exercise. I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure that eating more than you should and moving less means that you end up gaining.

This past week I've had a lot of ups and downs. I've ridden this rollercoaster of emotions tied to my facility being shut down and us not knowing anything. At one point last week, I was fully prepared to take any job they offered me.

And then?

Well, then I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. My sweet, wonderful, loving, fantastic, and supportive boyfriend. And then? Well, then I didn't want to leave at all.

He and I went snowshoeing for the first time this weekend and it was a bunch of fun and a good work out. It's kind of a pain in the butt to go so far away (four hour round trip) but we were so blessed to have friends that lent us the snowshoes, poles, and even a pack to put our water and granola bars in. We got to try the sport for free and although it's not something I can see us doing often, it was a bunch of fun and something neat to mix up our exercise.

And because I can't possibly be the only person who wonders what people out there in the blog-o-sphere look like, here is a picture of us outside snowshoeing (you'll have to trust me on that one) while it was snowing.
Today marks one week from when we found out that the facility is closing...and I've mourned and worried enough for now. I've been down a lot this past week...but today I'm taking my life back.
Sure, I'm still a little worried about what is to come. I am applying for jobs here in Denver daily - hoping that something will turn up where it is a job I'd like, that it pays more than what I'm making now, and that it is here in Denver.

I'm not so naive to think that there are oodles of those jobs out there, but it just takes one, right?

And today, I've gotten back on track exercise and eating wise. I've packed my sensible lunch. I've packed snacks. I've brought my running gear so that I can run in 40 degree weather at lunch. Will I be cold? Probably. I know that after taking two weeks off, I won't run as fast or as far.

But it will feel SO good to get back into the swing of things.

Grrr...

Okay, folks...who knew that eating whatever you want whenever you want means that you're likely to gain weight?

Right. Every one of you is raising your hand right about now. And congratulations to you - you win...well...your dignity.

Well, I thought that I knew that too...but this past week, I fell way short. I ran - two times for about 7 miles total. And my pace was around 10'55" each time...which is pretty good.

But oh, did I eat!

I still didn't eat so poorly that I gained lots of weight - I wasn't *completely* out of control with binges. I just didn't choose healthier choices when I could've or should've. I didn't choose the healthier choice at almost every meal and, since I'm being honest, at almost every snacking occasion.

Take this past Saturday night...

During a particularly snowy and blizzardy night, the boyfriend and I went to my favorite restaurant in Denver. This restaurant has a bowl of gumbo that is so good I could probably eat it every night for dinner and be just fine. I had three slices of bread (with the best garlic-y butter ever), a bowl of gumbo soup, and then had some of the jambalaya that he ordered. It doesn't SEEM too bad, does it? Well, what you may not know is that one serving of chicken and sausage gumbo could be as much as 7 points. My bowl had probably 2-3 servings.

My point is that I normally would've just ordered a cup of soup with baked fish. I normally would've held myself to one piece of bread with only a little butter. But in my head, the warm bread and yummy soup was perfect for the chilly and cold night. So I indulged.

And THEN we went to the movies. Now I typically never order food for the movies because I'm not even AWARE that I'm eating the food. But I felt SOOO good, so loved, and so important that night. I threw caution to the wind and decided to get a package of Reece's Pieces.

And oh, how I love Reece's Pieces. They are most definitely a "red light" food - one that I have never been able to sanely control.

Sure enough, by the end of the movie, I had had half the bag. Half of the big movie bag is 3 (THREE!) servings of Reece's Pieces. What's more, I didn't even enjoy the treat because I was too busy watching the movie.

You'd think that I would've thrown away the bag...but no. I ate the rest of them the next morning when I was hungry and waiting for the boyfriend to get out of the shower so we could go to breakfast.

So it should be no surprise that I've gained this past week. The scale shows that I'm up about a half a pound. I know the weight will come off. I'm actually not worried about that. And like I said, I'm letting go of the numbers on the scale so I'm actually not upset about gaining a half pound.

What I am cognizant of is how I've been indulging myself at every turn this past week. Bagels in the kitchen aside, I've had more treats during the day (like when I went to Subway for lunch but had the full fat sour cream and onion potato chips), more junk food at night, and less fruits and veggies.

If I *had* to come up with a reason why, I'd say that after being off the Nuvaring, I feel so much better that I just want to celebrate everything. Life seems easier because I'm not struggling to keep my emotions so much in check. It turns out, I don't just eat when I'm sad or angry. Apparently I celebrate with food when I'm happy and loved.

So, this week's gain (whatever it is) will give me the feedback to help me re-learn that eating whatever I want whenever I want is actually NOT celebrating how good I feel. Eating that way is more than a little selfish and gluttonous. Eating that way is not honoring my body or my new found good feelings.

This week, I'm going to be good to me. And that means listening to my body and celebrating without food. This week, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I'm still going to celebrate me feeling sane and good...especially since I have so many blessings rolling my way this week. And the biggest way that I can honor myself is to choose health over around the clock indulgence.

Everything in moderation, right?

More than halfway

May 11th was when I had lost exactly 55.6 pounds - which was/is exactly halfway to my weight loss goal. And although I was proud of the progress that I had made in just 9 short months, I was also worried, concerned, scared, and kind of freaking out.

And so, as you've noticed, I paused. I put my weight loss on hold and decided to apply all of the things that I had learned up until that point. In doing so, I had to let go of all of the timelines I had set. I let go of some insecurities and I started to love the body I had. I felt (in some cases for the first time) all of the emotions of scared, worried, concerned and anxiety.

I concentrated on the feelings.

And then, in most cases, I released them.

I find it encouraging that I knew when I had to start loving my body. I knew that pausing was the right thing to do long term - even if it felt like a failure at times. It's almost like I was running a race and had a pain in my side. I was out breath and just needed to stop - if only for a little while.

I find it encouraging to look back at my May 11th email and realize that I no longer worry that I will gain the weight back because I *know* that I will lose it all. It may take me another year, but it will be gone. I'm so happy that I don't have those thoughts anymore.

As I shed each pound, I'm encouraged by the new identity that is emerging. My new identity feels more like me anyway.

So why am I writing all of this down here now? Well, I weighed in last night and I'm thrilled to report I'm officially over the hump. 56 pounds down puts me at more than halfway to my goal.

To continue the analogy from before, the pain in my side is gone and my breathing is back to normal.

It's time to start running again.

Better

I had a good week this past week. When I say "good," I'm referring to the healthy steps that I took for my own body. I'm referring to the talk that I had with the BF where I explained my needs, I'm referring to the accountability that I had to track every single thing that I put in my mouth, and I'm referring to me being kind to myself.

The scale results? I lost the weight that I had gained at the meeting before and a little more.

One of the things that I realized about myself is that 50 pounds is a huge milestone for me. Although I'm proud of the 50, I recognize that I still have a long way to go. I'm excited to go all that distance and I know that I can. But I also realize that getting yet another gold "5" star to put on my bookmark isn't quite the motivation that it used to be.

I've been getting into running...and with the weather being better lately, I've started to run outside. Right now I'm only running a couple of miles at a time, but I am looking forward to building on that - running faster or longer. And that is my new motivation.

Today I purchased the whole Nike+ system. I've been reading about it for many months through other bloggers and realized that this would be just the tool that I needed to keep my butt in gear. I bought it at a discounted price on Craigslist today at lunch and I am SO VERY EXCITED to see how it works. :) So, even though I have all of my running clothes with me at work today, I'm going to stop off at home, sync my iPod and log my first run. I can't wait to post the results! :)

The fact that I'm super excited to use this helps me know that I'm on the right track.

My friend, Denver Kelly, and I even signed up for a local 5K race later this month - and I know that it will be fantastic!

So all in all, I'm much more optimistic. I feel like I passed one of the many hurdles that has kept me fat all of these years...and I'm ready to pick myself up and keep at it. I've been screwing around at the 45-50 pound mark for months.

I feel like I'm done with stalling. I'm ready to run.

Deliberately absent

After my flat tire post last week, I decided to group it together. Some times I was better than others...and in the end, I didn't exactly fix the flat, but I also didn't slash the other three tires.

I know I've posted about this before, but I'm constantly amazed at how much better I function with sleep, good food, and exercise. Sometimes I get frustrated that I keep having to re-learn this lesson, but then I remember that it took me 31 years to get the habits that I had...so they probably can't all be erased in the seven months at Weight Watchers.

In fact, I think that acceptance is probably the greatest hurdle I face again and again in my weight loss journey. Acceptance that I'm not losing weight as fast as I was in the beginning, acceptance of the fear that I may gain it back (again), acceptance of the weeks where I didn't do as well as what would've been nice, and acceptance of the new body that is emerging.

When I graduated from college, I was heavier than I'd ever been before in my life (up until that point at least). And I lost some decent weight on a plan called "The Carbohydrates Addict Diet" and was amazed at how cutting out the carbs, even for just two meals, made me feel better. I joined WW then at right about the same weight I am these days. I lost 46 pounds in 4.5 months - even over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I got to be a size 10. And then I started dating, I bought a house, and I started having real stresses at work. And I couldn't adapt. The weight came back on slowly but surely and as of last July, I had gained almost 100 pounds since then. I didn't LEARN how to live better and more healthy.

This time it's different. I'm dating someone and am having to struggle with putting myself and my needs first. I'm having to struggle with constant thoughts that he is going to be frustrated because I can't indulge the way that he can. I've gotten way less sleep than what I have learned again and again my body needs to function properly. I've realized that with lower sleep comes heavy sugar cravings. Cravings lead to me eating "bad" food choices, which leaves me feeling fatigued, which leaves me not wanting to work out.

So the new guy and I talked about it on Tuesday night and I explained to him how I was feeling. And he was very supportive. And I realized that my needs? They're important to him AND myself. And I need to start giving myself the same love and attention that I give others. I find this to be a reoccuring theme on "The Biggest Loser." People that give too much end up giving themselves the gift of being fat. I don't want that gift any more.

Part of me listening to my feelings was not posting my gain this week. It wasn't nearly as much as I had expected and I'm shocked at how this morning, standing on the scale, it appears that I've already lost all that I gained.

I beat myself up for not being "accountable" - not posting my gain on the challenge website, not posting my gain on the ticker above. And then I gave myself permission not to broadcast my faults. I praised myself for being accountable and going back to Weight Watchers. I praised myself for loving myself enough to not parade my shortcoming in front of everyone...because I knew that this week it wouldn't be good for me. I knew that this week I needed all the love and encouragement I could get.

So yes, I gained. I gained more than what I would've liked. I'm frustrated that those two weeks derailed my chances of being below 200 by July 4th. I'm frustrated that those two weeks happened....but I'm so proud of coming out on the other side. I'm proud of GAINING the perspective that it's just two weeks. Two weeks out of my entire lifetime? No big deal. Especially when you consider the fact that what I've started to learn (and will probably need to relearn) will help me keep the weight off the rest of my life.

I'm understanding why people call it a weight loss journey - because it IS a journey.

This time my eyes are open for pitfalls. This time I want to do it right.


Thanks for reading this far. I was quite the rambler... :)