Focusing

Last week I signed up for Katy's Virtual Biggest Loser Competition. Today is the first weigh in day of being on the competition (as in, a week has passed, today is the day to see how we did).

I have mixed emotions about it, truthfully. Like, what was my post about yesterday if I'm substituting one weigh in for another? Is that really healthy? What am I really getting from this competition? I already PAID for the entry fee (which was $10) so shouldn't I follow this through? Am I really a quitter one week into the competition? Isn't weighing in weekly a good idea - to help monitor if I'm "on track" or not? Wait, won't I KNOW if I'm on track by how I feel? If that's true, why am I depending on the scale anyway? GAH! But I already PAID for it! $10 could feed 30 thousand babies in Africa - why would I waste money on this? Sally Struthers is *so* going to call me out.

Suffice it to say, I didn't really know what to do about it. I even emailed Katy and indicated that I might drop out of the competition seeing as how I want to do what is healthy for me.

I've read that if you're going to weigh in, the best thing you can do is weigh yourself every day, put it on a chart, and then average your weight over the past week. The idea was that you compare averages of each week to see how you're doing. It eliminates the idea that one big meal will "ruin" your weigh in on any particular day.

When I started Weight Watchers almost two years ago, I decided that I would do the above and then, because I'm anal, take it one step further. The "one step further" involved me mapping and charting my weight loss. I included trend lines (indicating where I would be if I continued with the weight loss pace that I had up until that point). In addition to calculating my weight loss for the week (as well as weight loss to date), I calculated the percent changes from the previous week and from when I first started. It was actually very motivating.

But I got a tad obsessed with the numbers. I found myself thinking about the numbers (in a motivating and excited way) but probably a lot more than what was healthy. I found myself not wanting to eat heavy meals the night before a weigh in, not drinking water 4 hours before the meeting, and not eating any snacks in the afternoon before my meeting because that would make my weight higher.

I don't want to return to that mentality, and I don't want to get caught up in the numbers. Which is why I was kicking my behind at signing up for a competition that IS based on the weight loss.

So I slowed down. I took an hour or so to breathe and think about it in the back of my mind.

This is what I came up with:

Weighing in weekly isn't a bad thing. So why is it different than WW? Well, at WW, you get some questions about WHY you gained/lost weight and the meetings have information that supports their program. Their program is a bit different than mine - and in many ways it downright conflicts with what I'm working on. However, with the VBL competition, I weigh in, send off my info to Katy and that's the end of it.

What am I getting out of this that is different than WW? Well, for one thing, it's prompting me to look for (and honor) my body's signal that it wants to move. Take last night. Typically, I would've gone to WW, stopped someplace on the way home for take out, and then overeaten while watching A&E's "Intervention" (don't worry, the irony isn't lost on me).

But last night, I went home, ate some cheese, crackers, fruit, and an ice cream bar and read a book on the couch. Then could FEEL that my body wanted to move. I went to the workout room, ran for a mile and a half (fastest mile yet!), did the stair stepper thing for 15 minutes, lifted some weights, did my stretches for my back, and then went home to play the Wii. It was MUCH more enjoyable than my typical Monday night regimen and I really liked how I was prompted by the competition to honor my body's signal to move.

If signing up for a silly virtual competition helps keep me focused on tuning to with my body regularly, that's a GOOD thing in my opinion.

And yes, it's $10...but since the competition is about 12 weeks long, it's less than a dollar a week. And if Sally Struthers says that less than a dollar a day is no big deal, less than a dollar a week must not be either.

So I weighed in.

I weighed in this morning and lost 0.4 pounds from the week before. I had the "normal" reaction - happy that there was a loss, but a little disappointed that it wasn't higher. Until I realized that I really ate my heart out last week...in times when I wasn't hungry and past the point of satiety in some cases. Guess what that means? Typically you don't lose as much.

The numbers on the scale is just feedback...and I'm not sure that feedback on this journey is a bad thing. I mean, when I feel bloated it triggers me to re-evaluate my hunger level at the next meal to make sure that I'm eating just what I'm hungry for. Being bloated and lethargic is my cue to check in a bit deeper when eating my next meal. When my belt cinches tighter, it tells me that I'm taking better care of my body.

Feedback doesn't really need to have emotion attached to it.

And if I obsess about the scale throughout the week, maybe I'll skip the weigh in next Tuesday and/or put the scale away for longer.

Someone wise (and I can't harness the power of the internet to give credit to who) said,

"What you focus on, expands."

This week, I'm not going to focus on the scale - what it did read, what it might read, or what it will read. I'm going to focus on taking care of my body and letting that be the guide for the decisions I make.

Am I sleepy? I'm going to take care of my body.
Am I hungry? I'm going to eat what I'm really hungry for.
Am I bored? I'm going to find something to occupy my time.
Am I restless to move? I'm going to move my body in a way that pleases and entertains ME - it might be running, it might be the Wii, yoga, or lifting weights. I will use that time to freshen myself and renew my commitment to the health that I *do* have.

What are you focusing on these days?

The Clean Kitchen Club

We've all heard of the "Clean Plate Club," right? The one where members can still hear their parents tell them to "clean their plate" before they get up from the table? I've heard many people say that that phrase alone made them obese - because they choose to always follow the clean plate rule, even as an adult.

I, personally, don't have that problem anymore. If I don't like something I typically don't finish it and at restaurants, I've gotten really good about stopping halfway through my meal.

The one exception I do make is with water. In Colorado, we're reminded often of our drought and I guess I feel like I should finish all of the water in my water glass. So I do. Every time. Besides, overindulging on water (really, is there such a thing?) doesn't seem harmful to my body.

At any rate, with the packing up my house that I've been doing, I'm aware of just how much food I have in my freezer, refrigerator, and pantry. And let me just tell you, it is A LOT.

Two years ago, when I moved into the place I live now, I was moving from a suburb of Denver. I packed up all of my perishable items and put them into the fridge right away. I put the items from my pantry immediately in my new one. I didn't have to waste anything.

But this time, I'm staying with Joe. Joe already has ketchup, mustard, and various other condiments. Joe already has a full fridge and freezer. This means I have two choices: eat it (or have it be eaten by friends/co-workers) or throw it away.

This morning was trash day - it's one of the last trash days that I can take advantage of in this house and I spent about a half hour going through my freezer and fridge trying to make decisions on what is edible and what isn't. I had countless dessert cups of Weight Watchers ice cream or individually wrapped fudge bars. The only problem is I bought these items so long ago that I'm sure they've got freezer burn...which means that I definitely don't want to eat them. So into the trash they went.

I had about a case of beer in my fridge from various parties and float trips that I never got around to drinking. The beer is about 8 months old, so I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be good any longer. I drained it and threw the cans/bottles in the recycling bin.

I have about 15 frozen dinners that I will put my name on and bring to work (to store in our work freezer) to eventually eat my way through.

I have four bags of broccoli. FOUR - what the heck was I thinking? Do you know if any food pantry can or will take frozen food items?

I have tasty tortilla encrusted talapia fillets that I know are good but since I bought them at Costco there is around 45 thousand of them in my freezer...and I know I can't go through all of those.

I have bags of rice and boxes of pasta. I have jars of opened peanut butter and cans of mushrooms.

I cannot eat all of the food I have and something tells me that my co-workers will be less than thrilled if I bring cans of pumpkin mix to work and tell them to "have at it."

I don't want these things to go to waste. I also, don't want to stuff myself with them because WOW - overeating deli meat and milk seems silly and not appetizing at all. :)

I can donate the unopened dry and canned goods to a shelter, but the rest of the stuff? I guess I'll throw it away.

I read recently that when you eat because you don't want something to go to waste, it's silly. Because it DOES go to waste even if you do eat it. Eating when you're not hungry is wasteful - no matter how you slice it.

But still, I'm cringing throwing away perfectly good food...I mean, I spent money on them...hundreds of dollars on this food - do I really want to throw it away?

Do you all have any suggestions that I'm not thinking of?

This, too, shall pass

My life has been consumed with packing and looking for houses.

So far, some of my stuff is packed and I have found 0 houses that I will place offers on.

It's discouraging. It's tiring.

And as excited as I was about living at Joe's for a while, reality has set in. At Joe's, there won't be any pictures of my family. I won't eat off the plates or drink from the glasses I'm used to. I won't have the laundry detergent that I like nor the soft sheets that I enjoy. At Joe's, I'll be either living out of a suitcase or maybe a drawer or two.

I may not get to watch the programs that I want to watch (he does play games that use the TV) or if I do it will be via hulu.com.

At Joe's I don't know where the can opener is - or hundreds of other little intricacies that make his place his.

I also don't know if I can answer the phone if it rings or if I should let it go to the answering machine. Do I cook dinner for both of us or just me? Do I have a say in who comes over or when he goes? Can I come and go as I please or should I check it by him?

Because I'm not living WITH Joe. He's being nice and I'm staying with him until I find a new place.

I suppose it's important to know the distinction - mostly because I work better with expectations.

For the record, he will probably be very accommodating, as will I. In fact, I can see it being a very polite arrangement until it isn't.

I'm not trying to borrow trouble, but I am being realistic in saying that his downtown loft of 1000 square feet (that he has filled to the max as it is) is going to be tight quarters. I know that we will be as polite as we can...and I also know that there will probably be a lot of blogging or running by me if things start to feel smothered.

It's a journey that we get to embark on...and one that I hope goes smoothly. The week and a half from when my house was on the market to when it was officially off the market, I spent 7 nights at his place without a problem. In fact, I think we both thought it was fun.

My hope is that we can approach this time in our lives with an optimistic attitude. With any luck, it'll go great. So great that when I find a place I love, he will move in with ME... and we'll try this whole moving in together for real - combining his stuff with mine.

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm anxious. And he's behaving in ways that he typically does when he's anxious. At first I wanted to tell myself that that was silly...I shouldn't be this anxious. Right? RIGHT? If I'm anxious does that mean that I'm about to make a big mistake? Well, does it? DOES IT? WHY AM I THIS ANXIOUS??!?!

But then a good friend today said "Look - this is a life changing event" and she's right. Because this? This could be a catalyst that breaks us up or ties us closer together.

It's okay to be anxious...in fact, I think it's natural. I'm 32 and have never lived with someone other than my family and a roommate for a short while at college. He's 43 and has never lived with someone else other than his family. Both of us have been on our own for decades. If we didn't feel aprehension, we'd be crazy.

No matter what, this next stage will be a significant part of our story.

I'm excited and a bit nervous.

It feels good to acknowledge my feelings. It feels good to know that when they get all jumbled up inside my head, such as they did earlier today, I can go on a run and it all seems to clear itself out.

It feels good to trust that this will work out.

My mom used to say, "This, too, shall pass" when we were kids and upset about something. And you know what? The longer I live, the more I realize that my mom is one smart cookie.

Whether this living together thing works or doesn't, it won't define my life or this relationship as a success or failure. It just is. And that is okay too.

Double Yippee!

Hello there! :)

So, first of all, I'm busting with excitement to tell you that after less than 7 days on the market, my house was officially under contract. I came away from it making a little money - even after commissions.

I'm ecstatic!

This decreases so much pressure on me, it's not even funny. I mean, my place is TINY. 744 square feet of tiny. So really, it's itty bitty. To give you an example, the following shot shows basically my whole place.

The picture is taken with the person standing at the front door. To the left is my bedroom. Behind the daisy paintings is the bathroom. The second bedroom (which is bout 8' x 8') is on the left behind my bedroom - and the room with the red wall in the back? Yes. That's the kitchen. The light at the back of the house is the light that comes through the back door.

That's my WHOLE place - in basically one shot.

And oh, the kitchen. THIS is the entire counter top space I have:

Not exactly conducive to cooking or baking. Things I actually like to do.

So I'm excited about my new place...wherever that might be. My buyer of this place is a single female and I hope that she loves it as much as she seems to. I hope she'll be happy in it. I hope it's good to her.

As for where I'll be moving to, well, that's a tricky question with a surprisingly not-so tricky answer. See, the buyer wants to close on April 20th...which is just 4 weeks away. And while that's exciting, it also doesn't leave much time for me to find a place that I love.

When I moved into my current place, it was because I was downsizing. I didn't know where to move, really. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I thought I'd be okay in a place that small. I thought I could make it work. I thought I could change me. I mean, it's super cute and in a trendy part of town. Who wouldn't love it? Why shouldn't I not love it?

But I didn't love it. Not really. And since I've been in it, I've made excuses for it. I've only had two people over to my house for dinner. That's it. Every time my mom, sister, or best friend has come in, we've fought because the place is SO small. With my 160 pound Great Dane added to the mix, we literally trip over one another.

I remember the first night I spent in that place, talking to my mom on the phone. I told her that I thought I had made a big mistake. I was worried.

And if I'm being honest with myself, I've been beating up myself for buying it. The place, without the light that I crave, depresses me. I apologize for my place - it's smallness, it's shared walls, and it's lack of light. I make excuses to not have people over.

My place and I are not a good fit.

This time around, I'm determined to not settle. I'm determined to be proud of where I live. I'm determined to love it.

I'm going to find a place of my own - one that has two real bedrooms, where the second one has enough space to put a guest. I'm going to find a place that has quirky character, but has good light (don't let the above pictures fool you, this place is DARK - it only has four small windows in the whole place).

Because I want to have the house that I want, I know I'll be moving to a much less trendy and chic part of Denver. I'm okay with that - as long as it's safe enough to run outside.

But that place, in the price range I can afford, might take a while to find. So what to do in the meantime?

I'll be living with Joe. He offered and I accepted. It may be for a few weeks and it may be for a few months. I don't know. But I know we'll figure it out.

During the past week and a half, I've only spent 2 nights at my house anyway. We're in his 1000 square foot loft in downtown Denver, sharing a bathroom, and we are still in love. Still happy.

Granted, it's only been a week and a half, but we've enjoyed it. And I'm confident that we'll enjoy it in the same way when I need to stay with him.

At the end of that time, when I find a place of my own? Well, if the living with him goes as well as I believe it will? Well, I'll ask HIM to move in with ME.

I feel at peace with this decision.

The future...I can't wait to see what it brings...