Monday, June 7, 2010

I choose hope

The run that I wrote about in my last post was Saturday morning. It was organized by my Weight Watchers leader, Angela, and was...well...okay.

First, I didn't want to get out of bed because Joe was all cute, snuggly, and warm. Second, I didn't want to go because I didn't want to feel pressured to run either my fastest time (to win) or a 10K. Third (and in the TMI department so feel free to skip this), I was cramping. A lot. As in once every few months, I cramp so badly that I just want to curl up and wait it out with hot pads on my abdomen.

But, I went anyway. I got ready to run and then my leader asked those that were there (about 30 of us) which of us were running. I was the only one.

I was sluggish. Like feeling-like-I-was-running-through-marshmallow-creme sluggish. I just didn't have energy (which could be related to the mass exodus that my uterus was invoking OR could maybe possibly have something to do with the fact that I had more than a few Mini Butterfinger bars the day before).

Since I was the only runner, I finished first.

Yes, I could've forced myself to do it all over again and do a 10K, which was my original goal. But I was spent. It was HOT that morning and I was already feeling so sluggish that I really didn't think I had it in me. Even though I had taken Zyrtec AND my inhaler before running, I was still coughing up a ton of stuff and wheezing horribly (this has lasted all through the weekend - even still when I breathe I have a rattle in my lungs and I'm EXHAUSTED).

So instead of doing a 10K, I accepted the high fives and then ran back to the next group of people that I knew. I walked with them 'til the finish line. Then I ran back again to find another friend and finished with him. I didn't do a 10K, but I did much more than a 5K. And it's probably the only time in my life I'll actually WIN a "race." It felt strange but I'm proud nonetheless.

Technically, I'm a winner.

There was one down part during the day where I realized that this group was probably not for me any longer. I was standing at the finish line talking with some members of the meeting (and my leader) and someone asked about a gal that used to attend. Her name is Fi and she was running a lot and training for some sort of step climbing competition.

Anyway, about 6-8 weeks ago she stopped coming. People were asking our leader if she'd heard anything from her and my leader said that she hadn't. We remarked that that was too bad - since we really liked her.

AND THEN she said, "But you know, she'll be back. Maybe it will be a year, maybe it'll be two, but she'll be back. They always come back."

People around me nodded their heads in agreement but I shrank inwards.

I'm feeling a lot of things at that statement - fear that my approach of mindful/intuitive eating won't work, anger for encouraging the fear that our weight will come back if we don't do WW, as well as frustration of the insensitivity towards other people.

I believe that we can live intuitively. I believe that it is possible. It MUST be possible. I believe that we are worthy of our own trust.

I'm tired of mediating the war between what WW teaches paired with what my meeting talks about and what the knowledge that is inside me says.

I asked Joe for his advice and he asked three simple questions:

1) Does what you learn or experience at WW help you in your journey to lose weight the way that you are trying to lose weight now (intuitive/mindful eating)?
2) Do you feel like you can disregard the number on the scale COMPLETELY while still going to the meetings?
3) Is there another pressing reason you want to go OTHER than the fact that you don't want your leader to say the same stuff about you as what she did about Fi?

My answers to all of those questions were "No."

So I'm not going to go.

I sort of want to go to say good-bye. This is a group that I've spent almost 2 years with. But, like Joe said, I can stop by in a few months if I want - just to say hi.

I'm a little sad. I'm more than a little scared.

Maybe Angela is right. Maybe I will come back in a year or sooner.

But in the back of my head a voice is asking, what if I'M right? What if I CAN be trusted? What if this plan CAN work?

I want to be the person who chooses hope over fear.

And so I will.


Missa said...

You are taking a leap of faith in yourself. WIN! We are here for you too in the blog-o-sphere. We will tell you if your path isn't working. Go for it. I believe in you!


Lesia said...

I too hope that someday I will be able to trust myself and start living without the time in meetings, the tracking, and the constant thoughts of over eating. I know that I have a brain and what I have learned will stay with me for ever. I love your choice, but I am not at a goal weight yet or a lifetimer so til then I will be going to the

Traci said...

What an amazing realization for you. Choosing hope in yourself is awesome. You can trust yourself enough to do this on your own. It seems like you are already beyond them in the exercise arena too. Perhaps finding a group that pushes you to go faster and not slower would help. Like a running group.

SherRon, Shoes To Lose said...

Cheers to you! I think that we need to trust ourselves to know what is good for us. We all know how weight loss works. You move more and eat less and you will be healthy. Simple as that.

I cannot believe your leader for saying things like that. She should have more faith in the program and the people that it has changed.

I can respect weight watchers to a point..and then I have to stop. They understand how weight loss works, but they don't empower people to go it alone.

Congrats on your WIN!

Curvy Jones said...

Good for you, SmallerFunPants!:D Look, we ALL need a starting point, a helping hand, a rock to leap off of... and then once we're airborne and off on our journey, we're on our own!

I did lowcarb plans for a LONG time. Counted my carbs and planned my meals and I was really religious. Now? It's all intuitive. I know what my body likes. I know what it doesn't like. I know what makes me feel alive and energetic. I know what weighs me down and makes me want to take a nap. I track my food, just so I am mindful about eating and to make sure I eat ENOUGH... because if I'm honest, I'd go all day without eating.


This is a point we all come to, where we know and trust ourselves and we can't follow someone else's path anymore. You'll be fine. You may bounce around a bit but maybe if you take some time at the end of each day to journal your eating, you'll be able to track any anomalies and just learn to not eat so much of that, or eat more of this.

It's a process. Slow and annoying sometimes, but this is all a part of making it a lifestyle and not just a temporary diet.

Those who don't believe in that are free to do so. Doesn't make them wrong... some people need structure and really believe in it. It doesn't make YOU wrong, either for pushing away from it.

Jams said...

I have complete confidence that you are making the right decision for you at this point in your life. You've been struggling with it and I think it's finally clear to you.

I'm sure that your leader didn't mean harm with her comment. It's not uncommon for people to leave and then reappear (I know, I did it... often. At least 12 times).

As for WW not empowering people to go it alone... Well that's not the point. The point is that we don't have to be alone. If WW is the right plan for a person, and they stick with it through to their goal, they'll be able to attend free meetings.

WW isn't the plan for everyone. That's clear. The meetings for me were key, even now. Feeling the support from a group of people who are going through or have gone through the same things.

At any rate, don't worry about any of it. Do what's right for you. And if you choose to go back in the future, then so be it.

I wish you the best, no matter what. As I'm sure your leader does as well.

karen said...

I just KNOW you can do it!!! You've got us ... you've got Joe ... and most importantly you've got YOU ... who needs them? ;)

Lily Fluffbottom said...

Good job on you! And you know, I don't really view going back as something negative. You have to do what works for you, until it doesn't work for you anymore. That's all we can do.

Thanks for your lovely comment. I am determined to start coping differently, starting today.

POD said...

Really a great post! (took me a long time to read between goofing off and coming back). But wow, I think WW is just like all the other diet wonders of the dieting industry in that they don't make money if you don't show so they want to assume people will be back plus they must have hoards of stats on fats.

Her statement is really telling and somewhat short on integrity though I suppose there's a chance I could be taking it all out of context (because I am) when in fact, she meant something entirely different like "Oh, they always come back to show us how good they're doing after so many years so we can all celebrate!"

Misspudding said...

Everyone else has said it already.

You'll be fine. And good for you for recognizing your own strength.

Good luck!

Margie M. said...

Well now, this is a great post. First of all, I always have Hope. Without Hope we really having nothing to look forward to.

Second...Weight Watchers is not the *be all and end all* of everything holy. I think that your leader was out of line to speak of a member (or former) in that way. WW is here to make a profit first of all. If we all fail and have to pay money again to lose the weight, they make more money. By her allowing those other members in your group to think that Fi "will return, they always do" was rude to everyone in attendance. That was telling everyone...hey chumps, I'm beating my brains out lecturing you during class time but I know all of you will fail and be right back where you started from. Dump that group!!! If you need to return to a group setting for support, find another group.

I am a Lifetime member of WW and I do not track every single thing I put in my mouth. I do not want to be tied to that now. What I learned at WW I try to use in the *real world* and so far it has been working. I go to WW meetings when we travel once or twice a month to keep my free status. It helps me to step on somebody elses scale and have that number written down. When I'm back in Tumwater I go to meetings weekly. Mainly to visit with the friends I've made there! :)

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to encourage you to do what is best for YOU. WW does not know what is best for you.

PS congrats on doing the race even though you were the only one. That takes guts and determination! You've got plenty of them, Miss Happy Pants!!!

ohiofarmgirl said...

Don't let others force you from where you are having success. Who cares about what they say or think?? Continue doing what you have been doing that has lead you to success....just my thoughts!!! I hve been going to ww since April and I am finding it informative...I don't think they are overly friendly but I didnt go there to make friends...just to have a successful weightloss and that is just what I am going to do!
Do what you need to do for yourself! Dianntha

McCulley's said...

You have to try...I will be honest I had to go back and it was scratch that IS harder the second time around...why???? I think because it came so easy the first time and my body and life has changed and I want it to be the same, but it can't be this time cuz last time I didn't do it for life I did it for 3 years this has to be life no finish line. If you are like me...You just need to speak your feelings not eat them and you will make it..Keep blogging that will help

Lala said...

I recently found your blog, and I wanted to tell you how inspiring and refreshing it is. I know that there is a great deal of fear in learning to trust in yourself, but ultimately it's the greatest healing you can do. I truly believe that our bodies are built to eat intuitively healthy amounts and that we interfere with that natural process as we have learned to use food as a drug. I don't condemn anyone for doing that (including myself)-- it's a form of self-medication. But, I feel that weight watchers and other diet programs don't address this fundamental cause of overeating. I think it's a great tool for losing weight. However, I lost 100 lbs on weight watchers and gained it back when life became difficult for me emotionally. I think the heart of the matter is learning how to really, really listen to your body. I am so impressed with your blog that I started one myself as I try to go through this journey. Please stop by and visit sometime! It's called Donut Therapy :-)

Amanda said...

This is a wonderful post! I can't add anything to what all the other lovely bloggers have commented already but I did want to tell you that I loved this. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for pushing through it all and DOING IT!! ;)

Kris said...

Well, now you are off the fence! I think you should go and say, 'see you around.' No one knows, when, how or why you will see them around, so it is pretty open ended. i know you will be missed. I miss you now!!! I wish I would have said good bye to everyone, but, then again, I am sure, even after 2-3 yrs I am just a bleep in their lives. But, I do not think, after all I am learning, I will be back!
See you soon.

Laura said...

Dude. It SO can work!!

Lisa said...

When I feel I am eating more than I should, I just start visiting gym more often. After tough workout I never want to eat. Additionally, I am taking one special product I have discovered recently. This is Cardijex by Military Grade. It enhances heart health, therefore, helps me to intensify my workouts. I can easily go through 2 or even 3 consecutive training classes in the gym. Besides, it promotes calorie burning. Perfect combination for me!