Don't go breaking my heart...

When I first started watching The Biggest Loser two years ago, I saw the initial weigh ins and mentally attached myself to the woman who weighed the most like what I did at the time.  We were the same - a great team - and we were going to reach a lower weight together!  But as weeks went on, and her pounds melted off with no chance of me matching her, I felt frustrated with my own body.  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I lose weight like gangbusters, too?

The second season that I watched, I tried a different tactic.  I picked someone who was about the same weight I USED to be when I started my weight loss journey.  Then I tried to beat them to their lowest.  Only that didn't work either.  Who knew Tara was going to be such a stud muffin and shed more weight than any other woman on the show?

The third season, I figured out the perfect motivational tool.  Again, I'd pick someone that weighed what I used to.  But then I'd use her and her body as motivation for what I could look like if I just tried harder.  Only that kind of felt like I was beating myself up. And I was.

The fourth season, I told myself that I'd just be happy if NONE of the women's starting weights were less than what I currently weighed.  And that was great...for the first week.  But weighing less than morbidly obese people (who got to be on the TV show by being morbidly obese) feels like stacking the deck.  The win isn't as sweet.

But no matter what the tactic in any given season, I'd always feel super lazy as I watched the show.  There were people - some twice my size - exercising and grunting and here I was eating on my couch (apples or carrots, but still...).

So this season, I'm trying something new.  Last week was the first episode...and while I don't quite understand why they had to introduce new trainers OR why we can't see their faces (Are they in the witness protection program?  Were they disfigured by a horrible tragedy?  Or is Joe right...are they ninjas?*), I still like watching the show.  But two hours out of my night is just too much to sacrifice.  So what to do?

I'm going to sweat in the workout room of our building.  I have my first therapy appointment of the year at 5:30, which gets done at 6:30.  Because my office location moved at the end of 2010, I can now eat on my way to the appointment so dinner is not a limiting factor.  I can make it back home by 7 and be changed into my workout stuff and into the workout room by 7:10.  All I'll miss is the recap of the week before...and with as many contestants as they have on the show right now, I can't keep their names and colors straight anyway.

There is one runner chick who used to run during Tuesday nights, but I think she might've moved out.  I guess I'll find out tonight.  Even if all I do is the elliptical, I'll feel much better about not wasting time in front of the TV.  I can workout until I'm tired (no way am I going to last 2 hours this first time) and then go back to our place to drink water and relax...assuming the exercise didn't break my heart.

The Biggest Loser and me - perhaps the best team since The Captain and Tennille.  {insert groan here.  I know...I had to work hard to set that one up, didn't I?}

*Cute story...since I ended with such a punny joke.

My co-worker was out driving with her 5 year old grandson at the end of the year.  They stopped at a stoplight and on the corner, there was an Indian woman with a burka on. 

Her grandson gasped and then said in an amazed whisper, "I think I just saw something!"

"What do you think you saw?," she asked.

"I think I saw a ninja!"

Good advice from Bob Harper

Alright, I admit it.  I watch "The Biggest Loser" on Tuesday nights.  Each season, I swear I'm not going to, but then I get sucked in.

Last night, after a particularly hard work out, Bob Harper (if you don't watch the show, he's one of the trainers) said to the contestants:

"It's not a bad thing to ask for what you want."

I'm not going to lie to you, I hit the rewind button on the DVR to hear it again and then I paused the show to let it sink in.

I struggle with this so often.

I can lobby for someone else.  I can look at a tough situation and find a solution that benefits most.  I can analyze a given problem and come up with an idea that fixes the problem.  Even on a personal level, I can ask for things I need.

But actually ASK for something that I just WANT?

Eesh.

I have a hard time asking someone to help me.  Whether it be with the groceries, cleaning up the house, for a drink of water, quality time, sex or intimacy from a partner, or something else in my relationship with someone.  Putting myself first feels uncomfortable.

When I think about WHY that's an issue for me, I think it's because I was told so often as a kid that I was this bossy thing.  Incorrigible.  Stubborn.  Willful.  As a kid, I didn't mind asking for what I needed or wanted.

And somewhere along the way, I was told/instructed that good girls don't ask for stuff they don't need.  Good girls look out for the needs of others.  I learned that there was pride and honor in silently suffering.  And the message that I received was that I wasn't good enough to ask for what I wanted; in fact, it was rude to do so.  If it happened that I got what I wanted, be thankful.  If it didn't, too bad, so sad, that's just life.  The phrase, "you get what you get and don't throw a fit" comes into mind.  And while I think that's a good thing, somehow I internalized that to apply to EVERYTHING in my life.  Simon and Garfunkel's "I Am a Rock" was my theme song.  Not so healthy.

These days, I'm starting to realize that when I ask for help (or even if I'm just willing to accept help when it's offered) that it's not a sign of weakness.  It's not a sign of neediness or desperation to ask for a hug, for time, for a listening ear, or for another chance. 

And what I'm finding is that when I ask out of an actual want, I feel soothed much more than I would've with food anyway.

I've heard before that when hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the answer.  And I agree.  But what I'm realizing is that when I'm healthy emotionally (with boundaries, in healthy relationships, etc), and I feel heard and understood, I don't think about food as much anyway.

Asking for what I want started with little things.  If someone offered me a blue cup or a red cup, I used to just say "Oh - whichever you don't want."  I started to state my preference.  If someone offered me a chance to go in front of them, I let them - if that's what I wanted.

It's a way to be gentle with myself - a way to tend to myself and be heard by my own true wise self.  

I feel balanced when I pause in a situation and really think about what *I* want and then ask for it in a respectful way.

I still struggle with this; with the idea that my asking for a want is valid...but I recognize that it gets easier every time.

Because each time, I feel love from the person that gives me what I asked for and I feel love from myself because I honored ME.  And feeling loved feels good, soothing, and luxurious.  Way better than a warm brownie or a salty chip has ever made me feel.

Because I'm still a newbie at this, how are ways that you honor your wants?

The Guidelines

I'm sorry I was absent yesterday. I totally have a note from my mom excusing me though.

Yesterday was week 2's weigh in for the VBL (Virtual Biggest Loser Competition) that I'm "competing" in.

I'm proud to report that even after eating a delightful gnocchi dinner (complete with a very salty garlic bread and cream sauce) on Monday night, I was still down 1.2 pounds yesterday morning from the week before. Obviously, when you eat a sodium packed meal such as I did, you're likely to retain water...so if I were a betting person, I'd say that I'm probably down a bit more than the 1.2 that the scale showed.

Whatever, I'm totally taking it.

I wrote about it this weekend (because I kind of broke my own guideline of letting go of the scale), but I feel great that I'm down weight while still enjoying the foods that I love. Amanda mentioned this in her comment, but I think that my wanting to check my weight is because I'm still checking to make sure that my eating plan "works."

So what is this plan? Well, I've talked about it before in some general terms, but here we go - here are the guidelines that I follow as much as I can (taken from Geneen Roth, author of "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating" and "Women, Food, and God"):

• Eat when you are hungry.
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
• Eat what your body wants.
• Eat until you are satisfied.
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

The one I struggle with the most is eating without distractions...it still feels so unnatural. But I'm working on it.

Anyway, the 1.2 pound loss is really just some great feedback that what I'm doing not only feels good to me emotionally, but that I'm also getting the benefits of my body being at a healthier weight.

Sure, I've had stuff like ice cream, chocolate, M&Ms, full fat cheeses, potatoes, and chips. But I've also had a lot of veggies, whole grains, fruits, and lean proteins.

It's (GASP!) a balanced eating plan.

It's also helping me realize that the emotions that I have (those that I would usually turn to food to comfort) still need to be dealt with. I'm working on that too.

I'm happy. I feel healthy. I feel in tune with my body. And I'm finding that I don't hate my body any more.

Life, right now, is pretty frickin' great. I'm just saying.

Snooty, Snobby, and Daris updates

Because I've had some questions about how the dinner went, I'll tell you that it went...well, fine.

They still aren't my favorite people. But they're no longer my least favorite. Don't get me wrong, they're still not out of douche canoe* status, but the dinner was okay.

I took a lot of your suggestions to heart. I went there, ordered a drink that I liked, ate the bread that I wanted, ordered some fish just for myself (Joe and I did not split it), helped myself to THEIR mashed potatoes, and enjoyed our asparagus. The funny thing? I only ate half of my dish. I was full anyway.

I had questions for them (which wasn't the problem the first time) and the topics that they brought up were more conversation friendly versus just a way for them to monopolize the conversation. I jumped in when I felt I had something to say and made jokes when it was a good time to do so.

We parted ways, wished them a good night at the symphony, came home, and enjoyed our night.

The thing is, the night wasn't great. The dinner wasn't great. But *I* was great because I was myself. And honestly? It felt great.

Speaking of feeling things (I'm chicken enough to mention this buried in this post), I'm feeling like I'm struggling with my weight and eating plan.

Remember this post about Daris and his emotional eating? Well, ever since I saw it (which is going on two weeks), I have struggled with eating mindfully. And when I say "struggled" what I really mean is that I've been back to my old ways - eating anything that isn't walking or nailed down.

Alright, I'm not bingeing on vast quantities of food (in the old days, I could eat some serious stuff!), but I am eating well past the point of satiety ON PURPOSE. Before, when I was completely mindless about food, I'd find myself almost in a trance when I'd overeat. It's like I would start eating and then wouldn't stop until whatever I was eating was all gone. Then, I'd get up (typically from the couch) and pick something else to plow through. At the "end," I'd look around me to see empty chip bags, empty containers of various fast food items, and countless chocolate wrappers.

These days, it's been a bit different. I'd be aware that I wasn't hungry but that I still wanted to eat. So I'd eat something. Then I'd be aware that I still wanted to eat, so I'd eat something else. I'd be aware that my body was full and I'd eat. Then I'd be aware that my body was STUFFED and I'd drink a lot of water. I just wanted that stuffed feeling all of the time.

I lived in that state, of constant fullness, for about a week and a half - from when that episode of the Biggest Loser aired to last Thursday.

Last Thursday I met with my therapist and explained to her the WAY overboard association I had with Daris' plight. I tried to explain to her why what he was going through was so devastating to me on such a deep and personal level. After an hour, I'm still not completely sure that I made sense...so I won't bore you all with the ramblings here. But I realized that after I saw that, it triggered something in me - obviously - as I was back to wanting/needing that full feeling all the time.

Since Thursday, I've been trying to concentrate on the feelings and emotions that are coming up rather than stuffing them down with food or beverages. And so far, I'm back towards a more mindful eating mindset.

It's amazing to me that when I get all of my feelings out, I no longer feel the need to stuff them in.

So that's what I'm going to work on this week. I don't know what the scale says now since I wasn't weighing myself before. Even if I did weigh myself I wouldn't know how it compares to what it was. I just want to concentrate on how I feel and to try to be good to myself. Like I said in my Blog Tour post, I am trustworthy of being my own body's caretaker.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and that your Memorial Day is worth remembering. :)



*I can't take credit for this saying. You'll have to head over to "The Bloggess" for the creator of that phrase. Unless you don't like the "F" word, in which case, you should probably stay right here.

P.S. Some of you said that the link to the Nuvaring disaster post wasn't working...and sure enough, I didn't put the link in. Oops. So, if you're interested in reading about my train wreck on Nuvaring - here it is.

To Daris from Oklahoma: I get you

I admit it: I watch "The Biggest Loser."

In fact, since I've moved in with Joe (and thus had to send back my DVR to DirecTV even though I totally bought it two years ago but that's another story) "The Biggest Loser" is the only show I watch any more.

I heart it in a lot of ways.

First, I don't like how contrived the ad placements are. And I'm not a big fan of all of the drama at times. BUT most of the time, their struggles are SO real that I get moved to tears.

You may have noticed during my "award frenzy" the last few days that I favored blogs where the authors are trying to figure out WHY they gained the weight or why it's so hard to take off. I'm sure that I favor these blogs for two reasons 1)that's what I focus on so I really appreciate blogs that do the same and 2) I'm focusing on it because I'm still trying to figure out my "why." If I can read someone else's struggles, sometimes that leads me to my own ah-ha moments. Maybe that's why I like the show so much - it shows REAL people's struggles with control issues, with emotional scars that have kept them overweight, and with unhealthy attitudes towards food. Sometimes I sit watching them and have my own ah-ha moment.

The thing is, as public as this blog is, I can't imagine having my name, my hometown, my face, my fat, and my weight completely public on national TV. Sure, they know what they're signing up for AND there is that small thing of a $250,000 prize. BUT I still think that them being on the show would be hard.

Last week? I totally lost it.

In case you don't watch the show, the last four contestants had to go home for a certain amount of time. After those weeks at home, they had to come back to "The Ranch" (aka the place that they all work out and live at for months) and weigh in one final time. The contestants that lost the most were automatically allowed to go to the next round. The contestants that hadn't lost as much (% body weight) as the others had to plead for America's vote to keep them on the show. The one that gets the most votes gets to come back and compete for the big prize along with the other two that were safe.

All of the contestants have always lost weight at home (apparently even in past seasons). Except one.

Daris from Oklahoma is a young guy - college age. He seems sweet, likable, and a bit introverted. On the show, when he weighed in for the first time (before going to "The Ranch"), he told his hometown that he would make them proud.

He did well - he made it to the final four. He became the runner of the group and finished a marathon in 4 hours.

And yet, when faced with the struggles of being at home, he decided to eat at night. Late at night - we're talking 1 or 2 am. He'd work all day and then cave at night.

The result? He GAINED 2 pounds.

He was crushed. At first, he tried to lie and say it was due to marathon training. But then he came "clean" and said that it was because he ate too much at night. He'd eat bowl after bowl of cereal, countless snacks, and other food.

The part that broke my heart was at the end when he's pleading for America to vote for him but he's crying...because (and this is my inferring here) he doesn't feel like he deserves the chance that he is told by producers to beg for.

And that's when I lost it. I'm sitting on the couch CRYING and trying not to make any noise in our house. I didn't want Joe to come over and ask what was wrong. Because he wouldn't get it.

Joe, at 150 pounds, doesn't understand why anyone would stuff themselves so full of food to numb the voices and the pressure outside his head. He doesn't understand being so dedicated during the day and then "blowing it" at night. He doesn't understand the cathartic feeling of bingeing. He doesn't understand the concept of sneaking food. He doesn't know that overeating is the best way to hurt yourself in some ways. It feels good and absolutely horrible at the same time - it's something I can't explain to someone else who is sane about food. He doesn't understand that addiction.

Maybe you don't either.

So last week as I'm watching Daris cry - pleading for America to give him another chance - I'm sitting on the couch crying silently, clutching my chest because my heart hurts watching that kind of pain manifest itself on someone else's face. My food and my eating is SO very private...even on my blog when I talk about it, most of you guys will never or have never met me. I can be honest and raw. I can admit things and then go back to hiding behind my moniker.

But Daris couldn't.

I don't know what to do to make it better for him, but OH how I want to. Even if I don't know my way out of this overeating dilemma just yet, I want him to get out. I want him to be free of the horrible feelings that overeating creates. I don't want to see another person struggle like I saw him struggle.

Tonight is the finale. And just due to the weight that other contestants still had to lose, I would be willing to bet that Daris won't win.

So, I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to protect him from the countless interviews and reporters (no doubt anorexically thin) that will ask him about his struggle and what he was thinking about during his tearful plea. I don't want him to relive that moment. I don't want any more shame about that moment to be heaped on top of it. I don't want him to have to try to explain himself in a rational way about something that is so irrational. Eating food until you feel like you will burst doesn't make rational sense. So I don't want him to have to divulge all of his mental crap to allow for some reporter to get a 30 second sound bite.

I can't protect him from all of the millions of people who watch this show and think it's funny or pathetic that this guy can't get his act together. I can't stop people from thinking that he won't stop eating because he's lazy. I feel helpless because I can't make people understand something that I don't even understand.

I want to hug him. I want to have him over for dinner. I want to set him up with my friends. I want to babysit his kids. I want to help take care of him. I want to tell him that life doesn't have to be like this. Screw the reporters and naysayers. He can get through this.

I'm not a dummy.

I know that my want to take care of him and protect him mostly has to do with the fact that I can see so much of me in him. I keep the part of me that is like him SO closely guarded that having him put it all out there leaves me feeling exposed and raw. His behaviors are what I have done to feel loved, protected, and valuable. To have someone else attack that or poke at it just because they can, because it will make good news, or because it makes them feel better about themselves is like seeing someone set fire to a puppy. It's unimaginable and causes me great pain to even think about.

It's torture.

Since I can't take care of him and I know that my reaction to his struggle is ME projecting my feelings on him, I'm going to do the only thing I can do.

In lieu of my 3 pound gain from this past week -which, just like Daris', is deserved- I'm going to try to take care of myself more this week. When faced with the option of overeating to the point of pain (which strangely feels good), I'm going to tell myself to put down the food and sleep, get a hug, call a friend, punch a punching bag, go for a run, or do ANYTHING that will actually soothe what is going on with me.

Daris: I get you. And since I can't help take care of you, I'm going to promise to try to take care of me.

In a strange way, I don't want to let you down.


And lest you think it's lost on me, the fact that I'm reacting so strongly to his plight is going to be something that I discuss in detail with my therapist. It's awakened something inside me. My hope is that through exploring this with my therapist, I will get at least some of the answers of why I struggle so much with letting go of the behaviors that keep me overweight.