What a girl wants, what a girl needs

Somewhere along the way, I figured that I should only ask for things I need, instead of stuff I want. I’m trying to unpack why that is with my therapist, but as I look back on my adult life, that’s mostly true.

For those that know me, you may be wanting to protest otherwise. But the truth is, I can make decisions about almost anything, but I weigh what I want into the mix pretty lightly. If it’s something I need (like air, gas, food, temperature control, etc), I can usually voice my concern. If there’s something I want but I’m paying for it or I’m responsible for it, I can usually figure out what I want and go with it.

But what I want from others, especially if it is at a cost (financially or emotionally) to them? Well, that’s a much different story.

For instance, picking out pieces to play on a board game. If I know that some piece or color is your favorite, I’ll pick that out for you and then I’ll pick amongst the leftovers. If I know you don’t like a certain type of food, I’ll suggest a different restaurant so that you’ll feel more comfortable.

The thing is, I rarely lobby for what I want. If someone else is involved, I don’t have a problem lobbying for them – wants and needs alike.

I sound like a pretty nice person, don’t I? Well, I’m not. At least not to myself.

If I always focus on what I need to do or on my obligations, I rarely feel spoiled. And if I don’t voice what I want, it’s next to impossible for someone to spoil me. If I'm always accomodating others, whether they've asked for it or not, I'm not treating myself like a priority.

And what does that leave me with? Well, 80 extra pounds of fat, for one.

Why? I've chosen, over the last few decades, to spoil myself with food rather than the actual acts of kindness that I truly want.  Mostly by my own doing.

These days, one of the things I’m trying to be VERY conscious of is the question, “What do I want?” And when I can, I’m trying to choose what *I* want.

Here’s a few examples:
Joe received great seats to a baseball game from his employer. But I really don’t like baseball. I’ve tried, and I just don’t like it. Plus, it’s on a Thursday night. And honestly? I’d way rather be watching the newest episode of Project Runway. But he feels like he needs to go, and even though I suggested that he go with another friend, he wants me to go. So I will.

However, I still have choices that night. If I want to eat beforehand so I’m not forced to eat things that I don’t really want, I can do so. If I want to, I get to choose to take a nap before the game because I know it’ll be a late night. When it comes down to it, I get to choose lots of stuff – including my attitude.

Another example is our weekend breakfast routine. Joe wants to eat out for breakfast. He also wants to sleep in and cuddle until noon. And then he wants to take his time getting ready. This means that we typically won’t eat our first meal until 1 or 2. And I usually snack on almost anything to keep me not so hungry that I am crabby, but not so full that I'm full when we eat.

And honestly? That kind of drives me crazy. Because in the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve never said to him that I like to get up at 8 or 9. I like to have some time to myself to do things that I want to do. So really, who’s fault is it that I’ve been doing what we wants rather than asking for what I want?

Last weekend, we cuddled and then I got up to read a book. Later, while he was bumbling around the apartment, I had a bowl of cereal (gasp!) and he chose to skip breakfast. The world didn’t end, and he didn’t dump me. Go figure. He got to cuddle and I got to eat.

I think that's called peace.

This weekend I got up early, walked to our nearby coffee place, purchased a latte and a Sunday paper. I leisurely read the paper, cut the coupons, and organized them. Hours later when he woke up, we went out to breakfast.

I’m finding that I’m loving recognizing that I have a choice in things. And that it’s perfectly all right to choose stuff that I want or to choose to voice my wants. I can still be contentious about other’s feelings, but I don’t have to always squelch what I want to make others feel loved.

Because really, aren’t we all worth spoiling – even if just a little? And don’t you feel more capable of making it through all the things you HAVE to do when you get to choose things that you WANT from time to time?

Lastly, I’m trying to be conscious of not just what I eat, but how I eat. If I don’t want to rush through a meal, I don’t have to. I can take my full lunch hour. I can not multi-task by talking to friends or family during my dinner. I can CHOOSE to get up earlier so I’m not scarfing down my breakfast while cursing at other drivers.

Realizing that I get a choice in lots of things is pretty empowering, even if it’s still unfamiliar. But like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it, I’m finding it’s getting a bit easier with time.

Breakfast Smoothies

I like to mix up my breakfasts...for a while, I was enjoying a toasted double fiber english muffin with peanut butter and bananas.  Then, I made an oatmeal that was chocolatey and hearty.  Recently, I've been going old school and enjoying quick oats, milk, and raisins (microwaved together) for a breakfast that I can make in the office.

But I've still been hungry before lunch...and that is presenting a bit of a problem.

See, since I've had this new, longer commute, I've been snacking on some almonds in the car.  The raw almonds are there to fend off the HAM phase, so the container isn't quite big enough to be able to munch on all week long.   

So after I munch on almonds, I come into the office and drink some tea or coffee.  I'm not really full - or satisfied.  At this point, I'm just no longer hungry.  Around 10ish I start to get really hungry.  It's kind of too early to eat my lunch, but it's a bit too late to eat the oatmeal - because I know that that will fill me up until later.  I wish I could find something that would help me feel full in the morning and then last all morning long. 

Limiting factors: I don't like to get up early to make breakfast.  Even if I did, Joe doesn't get up as early as I do.  I our tiny loft sounds travel like crazy (I blame it on the fact that we don't have "ceilings" to top off the wall partitions in our place...think of it as us living in a cubicle environment).  And oh yeah, at work, we have a fridge and a microwave so I can't get too creative there.

I feel better and more satisfied, all day, if I have a hearty and filling breakfast in the morning.

But I want to lose weight, too.  So eating a few handful of almonds (I'm not measuring) isn't exactly the "best" thing I could do...and certainly snacking from 10 to noon isn't helping.  I started bringing fruit in, but I don't usually turn to it for some reason.

And then I got to thinking about Roni's smoothies that she's done.  And I started thinking about how I could do that too.

We do have a blender, but ours is big and bulky.  And I knew that if I had to drag that thing out every day, I would eventually not do it.  Add that to the fact that it doesn't blend things completely and you get an unappealing option (for me at least).

So I went to researching on the internets and found (what I feel) is the best option.

Monday, I bought what Roni uses to make her smoothies in - the Magic Bullet from Costco.  I know the Costco site says that they're on sale until January 30th for $39.99, but it was only $34 at my local Costco - with an instant manufacturers rebate. You *can* buy the exact same kit it from Amazon, but it's a bit more expensive.  Around the same price as at Costco, you can get a bit of a different kit on Amazon, but it doesn't have the "on the go" tops which make it easier to not slosh around in your car.  I drink mine through a straw while in the car, but the top makes it easier for me to walk the few blocks to my car without spillage.

The people from Magic Bullet have in no way compensated me - they don't even know that I'm writing this...heck, they don't even know who I am.  But I figure if you've been searching for the same thing as I have, you might be curious to know what I like and what I don't like.  To be clear, I haven't used it for anything else (although apparently there are many things you can do with it)...I've just made smoothies. :)

I've had two breakfast smoothies since then in the Magic Bullet and here are the things that I really like:

1. I LOVE that it's a smaller gadget.  We don't have much room so anything that doesn't take up much space is handy.  The base is about the size of a coffee grinder.  Of course, you do have to find room for the mugs and tops.
2. I love that you can mix the drinks right in the mug - without having to wash more stuff.  I don't have much time in the mornings and I don't love washing out stuff that I'm just going to use again the next day.  With this, I just use one mug for each day - and the mug I used goes right in the wash.  There is a new mug/blender assembly waiting for me the next day.
3. Your drink is already proportioned.  I'd hate to make a whole smoothie and then not have enough space in my mug/glass to fit it all in.  This way, what you fit in the mug is it's capacity.  So nothing goes to waste.
4. It blends everything really smoothly.  Admittedly, the first time, it wasn't so smooth...and I had bits of spinach and blueberries that I couldn't just swallow without chewing a bit (it should be noted that I actually hate pulpy orange juice for this same reason- so this is my issue, maybe not yours).  The second time, I made sure that I blended everything for longer...and it was perfect!  As far as the ice, it's smoothed out completely - no huge chunks like our traditional blender.

Things I'm not a huge fan of:

1. The smell.  It has a hot or burning smell sometimes - usually when I hold it down for long periods of time (go figure!).  I just try to pulse it when it gets to this point.  I've read other reviewers complain of the same thing...and it makes me doubt the longevity of the product. I just ease up for a few seconds and then go at it again and it blends just fine after that.  But so far, so good.
2. You have to be kind of careful about how you add everything.  I find it best to add the fruit/veggies first to blend it all smoothly and THEN add the ice to make it a smoothie. 

ANYWAY, no matter what appliance you make your smoothie with, there are now countless options for me!

My first smoothie was made with: blueberries, a spear of pineapple, probably a half of a cup of spinach leaves, and non-fat plain greek yogurt.  It's pictured to the left.  As you can see, there are some small chunkies of blueberry skins and veins of spinach leaves in there (as I mentioned previously).  The next time I vowed to blend more. According to other blogs, I add more spinach, it's supposed to greener (making it a "Green Monster") versus the purple-ish/brownish color that is displayed here.

In my second smoothie (in addition to blending more thoroughly), I added some healthy oils, a strawberry, and a small bit of agave nectar (the yogurt that I use is plain and has a bit of a tarter taste than what I'd ideally like). 

So far, so good.  When I got to work, I was completely satisfied and have enjoyed water each morning until lunchtime .  What's more, I feel fantastic that I have used healthy ingredients to make a healthy and delicious morning treat.  It's fast, easy, doesn't take up a lot of room, and is something that I can enjoy on the go.

For all you Weight Watchers, if you make it with just fruit and veggies, I guess this would be a 0 point drink (although I don't know because I'm not a member...perhaps this is something you should take to your leader :) ).
I'm looking into maybe adding some protein powders to it, or some nut butters, or perhaps a bit of flax seed.  Something to give me more protein or boost it's nutritional value.

Do you enjoy smoothies?  If so, what do you put in them?  Do you add any powders or mixes to boost the nutritional value or are you a fruit/veggie purist?

I can't wait to hear from you guys - this is something I'm super excited about and I'd love to know what more of you all are using or have used.  So PUHLEEZE chime in!

Lesson RE-learned

Sometimes I think that I'm so smart. It was one of the few things I was praised over and over about as a kid. So I know that I'm able to see solutions to things before other people. I know that I'm able to apply logic and get an answer that will solve a problem.

But it's SO hard to see that when it's happening *to* me. I have weeks like this past week...weeks where I knew that I was off track but couldn't quite remember how to reign it in. Have I been through this before? Undoubtedly, but I couldn't quite remember how to refocus.

Turns out, one of the key things I had to do was have my own healthy breakfast.

I mentioned before of how I just hadn't gone to the grocery store to get my normal staples. And since I'm leaving town on Sunday for a week, I have been reluctant to go to the store to get them - afraid that they would somehow spoil. My mindset went something like this: Why buy things that could spoil and waste your money? Best to eat crap on the go and end up paying for a few more weeks of Weight Watchers. Alright...that's not quite how logical I was being, but that basically is the end result.

So, I went ahead and bought fruit, some veggies, and bread that could spoil anyway.

And I'm amazed (again!) at how eating my own healthy breakfast - one that is filled with fiber, fruit, and protein - keeps me satisfied. When I'm satisfied, I don't seem to crave the sugar as much. Being able to look at the clock, realize that it's 11:30 and that I haven't snacked all morning is a fantastic feeling.

When I don't pack my breakfast, I end up snacking on things throughout the morning...which just gets me in a snacky/munchy mood and I feel sort of "off" the rest of the day. I don't reach for the fiber filled foods - instead I raid a co-workers candy jar or eat the bagels in the lunchroom. Those sugar and simple carbs have an initial high and then leave me feeling drained and groggy...such that I return to the simple carbs again and again. For me, it perpetuates the "So what?" feeling and indulge in ways that are not healthy.

Reigning it in -with my own go-to and planned breakfast - helps me feel back in the routine of things. I have a few of those breakfasts up my sleeve and I'm happy to share one of them with you.

My current breakfast was adapted from the Hungry Girl's Choco-Monkey Oatmeal. I referred to it in this post.

It is:
1/3 cup of oatmeal (quick, not instant)
a dash of cinnamon
two dashes of salt
1/2 a banana, smushed
1 or 2 tbsp of reduced fat peanut butter
1 packet of diet cocoa (25 calories per packet)

Mix the cocoa with 1/4 cup of hot water. Once dissolved, mix in the other dry ingredients and add another 1/4 cup of cooler water. Add the smushed banana half and then microwave for 1:30- 2:00 minutes. While you're waiting, have the other half of a banana (seriously, does anyone save a half a banana?). :)

Take out of the microwave and stir or add water to achieve the consistency you like in your oatmeal (I like mine a bit thicker so I usually add only a bit more water here). Stir in the desired amount of peanut butter (on days where I worked out in the morning, I usually have 2 tbsp, but one is plenty for the taste). Enjoy!

It ends up tasting pretty good. I mean, I wouldn't serve it as a Christmas Brunch or anything, but it's tasty, filling, something that I can prepare with only a microwave, and it looks like a lot (so my eyeballs feel satisfied too). With only one tbsp of peanut butter, you're talking 5 points for the whole thing (6 if you do like me and eat the other half of the banana). The original recipe didn't have the peanut butter and did have a packet of sugar substitute, but I find that I like more savory things than sweet in the morning...so the addition of the peanut butter and an extra dash of salt makes it better.

The best thing about this recipe, in my opinion, is that I can pre-mix the dry goods in a baggie and use the peanut butter in my drawer at work and I can mix it up quickly. I find that if I eat before I leave the house, I'm hungrier in the morning and I don't get everything done at home that I want to do before I leave. Having a breakfast that I can take with me is crucial and with this, I reach into my pantry, grab a baggie, a packet of cocoa, and a banana and breakfast is taken care of.

I do know that there are dangers of sugar substitute - including those it the diet cocoa. I'm not saying that I'll "cook" like this every day for the rest of my life, but for now it's doing the trick. I'll likely experiment with eliminating the cocoa (which is my least favorite part) and adding something else to make it feel just as satisfying, both in my belly and to my eyes but I don't quite know what to do to make that a tasty, lower point, and satisfying breakfast...do you have any suggestions?