The trip of a lifetime

I came across this quote recently, and it struck me as really profound:

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
~Arnold H. Glasgow

Perhaps I find it profound because I think that I found the man I want to marry. Or maybe it's because my biological clock is ticking louder as each moment passes.

Whatever the case, I think that the idea that what I've done to my body all of these years can and will have a profound affect on my life for years to come is haunting.

I know people who are trying to get pregnant now that can't due to their weight. It's heartbreaking to see her month after month get her hopes up only to have them dashed by Aunt Flow.

I know people who have had kids and yet can't play with them because they can't get up and move. And it makes me sad - both for the kids who desperately want to play but are told to just sit inside and watch more TV AND for the parents who can't possibly be happy knowing that their size is impacting their kids' abilities to play and experience the world.

I don't want to be like that...not it I can help it.

I don't want to overstuff myself on my honeymoon such that even the thought of sex makes me want to urp. I don't want to tell my kids that it's too hot or cold outside to go, run, play, or ride a bike.

I want to go hiking or skiing or kayaking with my husband on our honeymoon. I want to return from a day or afternoon of activity, take a shower, and then make love with all of the passion and energy we can muster.

I want to be the first to teach my kids how much fun climbing trees and wriggling in the grass can feel. I want to teach them how to build snowmen and make snow angels. I want to give piggy back rides, help them build forts in the living room, and play hopscotch.

I'm 33 now, not married, and not pregnant (not that I'm currently trying). I don't know what age I will be when I actually HAVE kids, but whatever it is, I know that I will be one of the older moms at PTA meetings and graduations. I don't want my child(ren) to have to pay for my being older AND fatter.

Glasgow was right. If we only get one trip, I want mine to be long, filled with lots of awesome scenery and experiences. And I want my trip to be as healthy as possible so that I'm able to enrich the lives of others - my future husband, my future kids, and (God willing) their families too.
If this is my trip, I want it to be worth the cost.

I mean, I wouldn't plan a trip and deliberately ask for the middle row on an airplane or a seat right next to the bathroom, right? Of course not! So why would I sabotage my own trip in my body by filling it with foods and things that make it harder to be as healthy as I can be?

Suddenly my own stubbornness to not learn new ways to cope with stresses, heartbreaks, and fears seems selfish and unbelievably sad.

So I'm vowing now to make the most of this trip - however long it is. To me, that means moving my body to the best of it's ability and fueling it with the things it really wants and needs.

This is my trip and it's going to be great.

Who's coming with me?

NSV - on a Monday :)

Mondays kind of suck. At least they can. For most of us, it means that we have to go back to work - and that our weekend (and free time) is over.

Work has been really stressful recently. It's been this giant drag on my life and I'm trying to figure out how I want to get out of my current situation...I was REALLY looking forward to the weekend.

Unfortunately, life had other plans. I had a pretty crappy weekend. I don't feel like getting into it yet, but let's just say it was crappy, non-rejuvenating, stressful, and that I didn't get half of the stuff that I wanted done. My life, in many ways, got flipped upside down. I'm currently trying to repair the damage. It'll take a while.

Perhaps needless to say, I was less than thrilled when I realized that this weekend was over and that I had to go back into work (and into another stressful situation). But as you know, sometimes life is just like that.

This morning I got ready with less enthusiasm than normal. I put on my clothes in my normal fashion, but was delighted when I felt something different when putting on my clothes. I checked and re-checked...but kept seeing/feeling THIS:

In case you can't tell, that's me. Or rather, that's a picture of my clothes. :) Including my belt. Which is on the third notch from the end.

I showed Joe this morning as he was getting ready and he said, "That's great honey" and continued shaving.

"No, Joe. It's fantastic. My belt is on NOTCH THREE!", I replied.

He kept replying that it was good and I kept saying "Notch Three!" until finally he asked if I couldn't hear that he was saying that it was good.

My reply? "Oh. I can hear you. I'm just telling myself over and over again because I can hardly believe it."

My belt has not used this notch EVER. I haven't been this thin in years. And for the past year, I've stayed at the same weight and size - trying to fix myself mentally before I moved on.

I'm finally moving on.

My belt, at notch three is comfortable. I just finished my breakfast and it's still comfortable.

My life hasn't gotten less stressful - in fact, it's gotten more stressful. Things aren't easier. But I'm taking care of myself.

I'm losing weight.

I'm listening to my body.

I feel amazing.

I'm successful.

It feels great to write those things and actually mean them.

P.S. NOTCH THREE! :)

Picture this...

This summer marks seven years since I've been in Denver.

To even write that seems impossible - mostly because it means that I'm older than I remember I am. See, a large part of me still feels like I just graduated from college. And oh my gosh, I just had a vision of myself, at 18, rolling my eyes at the old fogies who were in their 30s thinking that they were still young.

All I'm saying is I *feel* young.

Anyway, 7 years ago, I smartly decided to get a Colorado drivers license. I couldn't wait to get rid of my Oklahoma drivers license and somehow getting a Colorado one made me feel more...well...Colorado-y.

Anyway, one day that I was wearing a suit, I decided to pop in to the DMV and get a new one. I stepped up, got my picture taken, and gave the guy all of my pertinent information.

That was almost 7 years ago. I've been living at my new address for over two years and I still haven't gotten a new one.

The thing is, I want a new drivers license. The picture from that day is one of the worst pictures of me. The address is wrong and I always worry when I get pulled over (which, admittedly has only been once since I moved) that they'll throw me in jail for not having an updated one. Also, my hair is now red - and the hair God gave me is blonde. So in that picture, I have blonde hair (which looks sort of greasy in it) and everytime I go through the airport, one of the TSA agents will usually comment on how much prettier it is now versus then.

So why don't I just go out and get a new one already?

I want the number that I tell the DMV guy for my weight to actually *be* my weight. And until that happens, I'm unwilling to get a new one - even though it's unlawful to wait.

I want to be able to proudly hand over my license and know that all information on there is true, not just my address. I want it so badly, I can taste it. And every time I have to pull out my license and see the old address and the old me, I get motivated all over again.

Channeling Stuart Smalley

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
--Stuart Smalley

In the '90s, Al Franken had a character on Saturday Night Live named Stuart Smalley. Stuart had a self-help show called "Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley" and on the sketch he said cheesy things meant to build up himself and others.

When I watched the show as a teenager, I remember laughing hysterically. I thought, "Who could be SUCH a loser to actually need to say that crap to themselves?"

The answer, as it turns out, is me.

After years of resisting the idea, I've come to realize that it's not a bunch of bunk. Your self talk means more to you than you even realize - or at least it does to me.

And if you think about it, it makes sense.

For years, I've told myself that I wasn't good enough. I told myself that I didn't get hit on, didn't get the job or promotion I wanted, or didn't get the love that I needed because I simply *wasn't* good enough.

The funny thing about you and I: we always want to be right. So what you look for in life, you WILL find. Personally, I looked for ways, subconsciously of course, for life to prove that I wasn't good enough, wasn't worth enough, or wasn't worthy of love. And if you've read my blog for long, you know of all the ways that I've punished myself for those beliefs.

The thing is, if the first thing you think when you look at yourself naked in the mirror is "Eesh. I am fat!" then you reinforce to your subconcious that you *are* fat. That thought is reinforced every time you pass a mirror or even a clean window where you catch your reflection. Worse, the feeling that you reinforce to yourself is disgust.

For me, it became such a continuous thought of myself as being gross and fat, that I started to believe that I couldn't be anything different. What's more, it's actually changed my memory. I remember me struggling with my weight when I was a kid, especially a teenager. But when I looked at a random picture this weekend I saw that I was a normal kid with a normal build - through my freshman and sophomore years in high school. But I *felt* fat. And so, that is what I became. My brain wanted me to be right...and what you think you are eventually becomes what you are.

I bring this point up because I think that this time of year, many people are looking for a miracle cure, a miracle pill, or some THING that someone will write or say to help them lose weight. And what I'm hoping they'll do instead is take a moment and evaluate their own self talk.

Because even if you still look at yourself in the mirror and cringe, you can start changing your mindset by having a new affirmation.

As you know, I've been about the same weight for the last 9 months. At first, the weight coming off was so easy! As I read other diet/healthy living blogs, I've realized that those that are successful are the people who believe that they can do it.

In celebration of that, I've decided that I need a new affirmation - something that will help me stay on track. My subconscious needs a shot of hope right about now and on the off chance that yours might too, I'm sharing my affirmation.

I adapted this affirmation from a contestant on "The Biggest Loser: Where Are They Now" special that aired last November. For the life of me, I can't remember the contestant's name that had an affirmation speech. If any of you remember his name, I'd love to give him credit for it.

Without further ado, here is my affirmation:

I'm Anne - healthy, sexy, and great.

I am easily reaching my goal weight

of at or around one sixty-eight.

Hokey? Yes. Does it need some work? Probably. I'm sharing it to let you know that you can start from anywhere. Your affirmation doesn't have to be perfect, just as you don't have to be.

As hokey as it sounds, the funny thing is, when I say my affirmation, I feel better. I realize that I'm saying it - not just for the 32 year old me - but for all the me's that I've been in my life.

Sometimes I say it for the 13 year old me that was teased for being fat on the bus.

Other times, it's for the 16 year old me that was too scared to accept a prom date request because what if he put his hands on my waist and felt my fat rolls?

I say it to help the 18 year old me that ballooned in weight who wanted desperately to believe that she wasn't the cause of her parents marriage ending.

And I know that the 25 year old me who was told that I was just too fat to be attractive by her boyfriend needs to hear it.

Just as the 30 year old me that believed that her boyfriend was justified when she found that she had been cheated on needs to know that SHE was and is worthy of love and respect.

For all of the me's I have been, I'm promising to make myself a priority. I'm promising to not look to others, or food, for validation of my worth.

I am enough.

I'm promising to say it, daily, until I believe it. And since I always want to be right, I'm saying it, daily, until it's true.

It's the little things

One of the things I dislike the most about hotel rooms is the towels. If they're not smelling of bleach, they're scratchy. And the "bath" towel is about the size of a postage stamp. Sometimes, I have to double check to make sure that I'm not drying off with a hand towel!

At home, I love to get out of the shower and wrap myself with a plush, soft towel. Now, I'm sure they're not the plushest, the biggest, or the highest quality, but the thing that I love the most about them, is that they FIT around me when I wrap it around my newly clean body.

Not so much with the hotel bath towel.

This morning when I got out of the shower in my hotel room, I dried off with their towel and as I walked to the bedroom area of the room, I passed by the mirror and took a look. I was amazed, once again this trip, at how I've been able to have the towel close around me completely. No peeking through at the bottom.

To assure you, this towel *is* bigger than the other ones that I've had at hotel rooms. But for the life of me, I can't remember the last time this happened.

It's the little things that keep me going.

It's flying with assurance that the seat belt *WILL* fit around my middle without being uncomfortable the whole flight.

And soon, it's going to be knowing that when I go to the doctor's office and they weigh me on a traditional scale that I don't have to sheepishly say "it's the next one over" (to 200) when they start with the big weight on the 150 pound mark.

I'm trying to take the time to recognize those little successes. Because they add up to eventually be a whole new me - a whole new way of living. A whole new norm.

What are some of the "little" successes you've had recently?

I want ideas of what to look forward to!