Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.

There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.

And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 

But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 

Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes.  Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

Introducing...the deficit!

First, thank you so much for the outpouring of support from my last post.

Your comments, emails, and phone calls have meant more to me than I can express here.

Here's what I now know (and if you'd like, feel free to envision little uterine fibroids as the bullet points):

• The fibroid is bigger than they thought.  Because of this, they're going to go the traditional route and do a "normal" surgery where they cut along my bikini line so that I will be able to wear bikinis without a scar showing. 
  Confession: This totally cracks me up.  I've never worn a bikini in my life and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to start now.  Also?  Since I'm assuming that they're going to have to shave the incision area, I'm totally going to ask for a "hairstyle."
• I believe the surgery will be October 28th.  It'll be confirmed later today, but that's what it looks like. 
  Confession: Maybe instead of a "hairstyle" request, I'll just shave a jack-o-lantern in the hair with which to surprise the surgeon in honor of Halloween.  Perhaps a happy face?  OOOH!  Candy corn?
• I should be out 6 weeks.  If I can get it to 7 weeks, I won't have to come back to work until January of 2011 (because I also have almost two weeks of vacation still to use).  This would be awesome.
  Confession: I really am hoping it drags to 7 weeks because that would be like the best Christmas present ever, except for Jesus of course.
  Second Confession: This makes me a bit giddy.  Sure, I know it's going to suck for the first few weeks, but I also get to read.  And watch Netflix.  And sleep.  I can't remember the last time that I had 6 weeks off in a row.  I'm guessing I was 14 - because I know I had a summer job when I was 15.  First on the list of things to do: read the rest of the Harry Potter books and figure out a fail-proof method to determine the baby daddy of the people that show up on the Maury show BEFORE he announces it.  Like I said on my other blog, it's good to have goals.
• I might not be able to fly to my dad's (Chicago) for Thanksgiving.
  Confession: It might be a bit of okay.  I always travel or entertain for the big holidays.  It might be nice to just spend it with Joe and his grandparents.  Even if they smell like old people.
• I joke when I'm a bit nervous.
  Confession: I'm a bit nervous. 
• I'm so glad I didn't get that job that I interviewed for a month ago.  Can you imagine being in Ghana and having this pop up as an issue?  I hear Netflix doesn't even deliver there!
  Confession: I'm thankful that the job didn't work out...and it gives me faith that whatever happens in this situation will end up okay too.
• I feel weird having this fibroid inside me.  It feels alien and foreign.  Joe suggested that we name it something.  I asked "What do you call something that grows and grows, that no one wants, and that you want to get rid of?"  Joe's response: THE DEFICIT.
  Confession: Joking about it helps.
• I cry sometimes because I'm scared.
  Confession: Crying about it helps.
• Chances of getting a hysterectomy is low, I assume.
  Confession: This will be one of the first things on my mind when I regain my brain after surgery.  I will breathe a lot easier when I know that I have all my lady bits.  This is one of the things I'm most worried about.

So there you have it - a status update. 

I'm doing okay.  Except when I'm not. 

I'm going to do all sorts of abdominal exercises between now and the surgery date so that hopefully I will heal better and faster than expected.

I'm going to continue with the 100 Day Challenge: training for my 10K, taking my vitamins, and washing my face each night.  I'm going to still keep working with my therapist to overcome the "big" issues.   so that 2011 will be my best year yet...sans The Deficit.