A hundred todays and a hundred tomorrows

Happy New Year!

I, like almost everyone else in the free world, am planning on watching what I eat and on moving more this year.  So congratulations to me!  I'm human and just like you. :)


I was thinking yesterday about the Scarlet O'Hara idea of "Tomorrow is another day." and wondered if thinking like that hurts weight loss efforts or helps them.  I still haven't made a firm decision, but I do think that there is power in framing things up in "todays" and "tomorrows."

As an example, yesterday I was faced with the option to take the stairs or the elevator to get up to where my cube is.  I thought about it, REALLY wanted to take the elevator.  My knees hurt.  I had just walked up two flights of stairs to get to the entry of the building.  Couldn't I just take the elevator this time?  But said to myself, "Tomorrow I'll take the elevator.  Today I'll walk up the stairs."

I went to a salad place yesterday for lunch but when I walked inside, I saw that the long line rivaled anything you'd find at Disneyland.  I quickly swore under my breath, turned around, and walked out the door telling myself I just didn't have that kind of time to wait in a line like that.  I got to my car and thought of all of the places that I could stop on the way back to work that would be quicker.  None of them were healthy.  And if I can't be healthy on the SECOND DAY of the new year, where is my dedication?  So I walked back to the restaurant, got in line and waited 38 minutes to get through the line and leave with my salad.  Each time I heard the two pretentious ladies who were in line in front of me talking about Kim Kardashian's baby, I reminded myself that this pain was worth it.  I told myself, "Today I'm making a healthy choice for lunch.  Tomorrow I may choose differently."

What I love about this is that it helps eliminate black-and-white thinking.  That I either have to be completely "on" a diet or "off" one; that I need to have everything planned out in advance.

Maybe I'll plan out everything tomorrow.  But today, I'm making the best little decisions I can.  Each time I'm faced with a choice today, I'm choosing the option that gets me closer to where I want to be tomorrow.


P.S.  I've figured out a way around our proxy server at work.  Know what that means?  I GET TO POST MORE OFTEN AGAIN! :) 

Resolutions

This past weekend, I went on a really great and special date with a guy.  I won't write much about him yet, since it was only our second date and I'm not quite sure where things are going, but it was a great time.

Early on in the evening, he asked me if I had any resolutions for the new year.  Practical question, no?  And honestly, I kind of was taken aback...because truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it.

I did say that one of the things I wanted to do more of was volunteer my time with/through organizations that I'm passionate about.  And that's true.  That's something that I really do want to do.

He nodded and then said, "Really?  Nothing else?"

Sure, I knew that I could pepper him with lots of things I wanted to do better...but again, the second date may not really be the place to start unloading your personal baggage.

So I said that 2011 was a year of a lot of change for me.  And that I'd really like to build upon those changes, those positive things that I've done, so that I can end 2012 happier and healthier than I started it.

I'm always reluctant to make New Year's Resolutions...I think, in part, because it feels like I'm making a promise.  I mean, I get it, that's the point.  And yet when it comes down to it, I don't like breaking promises. because then I feel guilty.  And who wants to feel guilty about letting themselves down for not making ENOUGH progress?

Not me.

So maybe that's a good resolution for me: To feel guilty less often.

I asked him what his resolutions were and he actually said, "to lose five pounds."  He said it twice during the evening, but to be honest, I'm not sure where he's going to get the five pounds from.  He looks healthy.  I'm not sure what his motivations are for saying it...if it's something that he really believes or something that he thinks everyone typically says.

Whatever the case, I don't want to lose five pounds this year.  I really do want to lose more.

When he asked me out for NYE, I said yes - I mean, I really couldn't think of anyone I was more interested in.  And then he told me what we'd be doing...going to a fancy steak restaurant and then a trendy party where no casual clothes are allowed.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a few heart palpitations...I mean, what in the hell was I going to wear?  And since I wasn't told what the plans were until Friday morning, I didn't have a lot of places I could go to find a suitable outfit.

Because the fact of the matter is, I don't fit in the clothes that I have for such occasions, not any more.

And that, my dear friends, is a sh!tty feeling.  As if you don't know.

Eventually I scrounged up something that was suitable from my existing wardrobe, but beforehand, I spent HOURS looking for a cute dress that would leave me feeling sexy and ravishing. 

That dress?  Apparently does not exist in Denver.

I really do hate picking myself apart in the mirrors of dressing rooms.  But that can happen at any size.  So maybe that's a good resolution for me: When looking at myself in a mirror, give myself mental compliments before I become critical of my flaws. 

Tonight I go to my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this year.  I have no clue if I've gained or lost weight.  I haven't tracked or really paid attention to anything.  So I'm thinking that I'll probably have gained.

BUT today I registered for two races.  One is a 7K, The Runnin' O' The Green held in March.  And the other is the Cherry Creek Sneak, a 5 miler held in April.

I miss running; I miss how good it makes me feel.  That's a good resolution for me: Do more things that make me feel good.

And yet, those three resolutions aren't really getting to the heart of my weight problem.

So I'm going to be bold and say that I want to be dedicated to Weight Watchers and myself again.

I want to clean up my eating.  I want to experiment with more foods.  I want to eat less and move more. 

I want to be thinner.

I want to do this the right way, but that involves holding myself accountable. 

So for me, I've decided to put my weight tracker up, front and center, on my page.  And I'm putting two more up - the countdown to my first 5 pound star of the year and my 10% goal.  I'll put all counters up after I weigh in tonight, so the data is accurate from the get go.

I'm also putting up some reminders in my house and car.  Staying focused on my goals always helps me.

The last piece of the accountability is blogging about it.  Updating my weight loss here, weekly, is going to help me.  It may just be a post script at the bottom of the page, but I'm going to do it. I know that disclosing the numbers will help me celebrate the small losses that I'll have.  It'll build my momentum and my confidence.

If 2011 was a year of changes interally, 2012 can be my year of external changes.  Doing more - to help myself and others is something I have a lot of passion for.  And I can't wait to show it.

The art of actually trying...

Alright, I'm coming clean.  I'm REALLY unhappy with my body these days.

As in, I've gained weight AND inches and I'm really unhappy with how I look in the mirror and reflections of store front windows.  My skin feels almost as tight as the clothes I'm wearing.

What's more, with this new job (!) that I'm taking on, I need to buy dress clothes for every day wear (I currently wear jeans and a nicer top) and that means that I have to go to Lane Bryant or the likes for my clothes needs.  Because dress pants at the Gap (which top out at 16) no longer fit.

Awesome.

I've found myself thinking about going all protein, no carb because I know I drop weight quickly on that.  I've wondered about doing Medifast (since Lyn has had so much success).  I've even thought a lot of a lot about going back to Weight Watchers - since I lost 56 pounds doing their old program. 

But then I realized that I'm not even TRYING to do intuitive eating any more.  I'm just eating.  I'm not planning, not thinking, not trying to cut some calories, and I'm eating when I'm not hungry.  Uhhh...so basically, I'm not doing anything about my eating.

So while I may actually try WW again (since the new PointsPlus actually sounds like it encompasses intuitive eating guidelines more than ever), I'm not going to do that now.

I figure if I'm even thinking about paying $10 per week for a program, I should first take a look at what I'm eating/drinking and why.  First, I should actually TRY the lifestyle that I want to be successful at.

So I'm promising myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to stop when I'm no longer hungry.  No points, no judgement on what I'm eating.  Just that - eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied.  For at least a week.  And next Tuesday, if I'm still gaining weight like a champ, I can re-evaluate from there.

When I actually DO mindful eating, I lose weight.  When I listen to my body's signals of hunger and satiety, I choose foods that are good to me, not just because they're lower in points, calories, or carbs.

I'm coming to the realization that I may need the structure of a standardized program for now.  And I'm vowing to have a firm plan by the end of this month - whether to continue what I'm doing or to do a different plan.

But for this week, I'm going to work hard at practicing intuitive/mindful eating.  I know it can work...just like I know WW can work.  I just need to actually DO the work.

Things that are going to help me? 

1. I've been taking pictures of my food before I eat/drink it.  That gives me a chance to stop and ask myself how hungry I actually am before ingesting it. 

2.  I'm going to stop my eating or drinking at 1/4, 1/2, and 3/4 of the way through to ask myself if I'm still hungry or not.  This morning, I woke up with a starving tummy.  So I made a smoothie with protein powder, spinach, and milk.  I only drank about a third of it - because what I had eaten/drank was enough to make me feel satisfied.  Even though I hate wasting things, I figured it'll go to my waist if I drink it all...so I might as well waste it.

3.  I'm going to brush my teeth after each meal.  I'm realizing that I'm snacking when not hungry because it's there or because I can.  But eating with freshly brushed teeth tastes kind of nasty.  Brushing my teeth will help me be mindful of if I'm really hungry or not.  Because if I am, I'll forgo the bad taste to get some fuel.  If I'm eating just to eat, I'm finding that I don't eat because I know I won't like the taste.

4.  More water.  I know I'm only getting in about a liter of water a day.  For someone that used to drink almost a gallon, this is quite a drop off.  I feel better when I drink more water - and I realize that sometimes I'm not actually hungry, I'm thirsty.  This will help me differentiate between the two.

And that's it.  This week, I'm promising to be more mindful about what I put in my body. 

I owe it to myself.

Starting weight?  Let's just say it's higher than where I've been for almost 2 years.  UGH.

Hello New Day! :)

Like I wrote yesterday, I love this time of year.

It's a great time to take stock of who you are, think about what you want to be, and then go about changing whatever you want.

It's a time to wipe the slate clean of past mistakes, muck-ups, and failures. It's a time to start dreaming of what you can accomplish and putting a plan into action of how to get there.

I love this time of year.

This year, my goals are to continue in my quest to be healthier: mind, body, and spirit.

Specifically, I want to:
* continue my therapy sessions so that I can find closure for the traumas that I have let plague my life for too long
* complete a 10K in May
* complete a half marathon by the end of the year
* get to where I can run a 10 minute mile average during a 5K
* continue to find positive ways to treat myself, other than food
* try one new sport or activity
* get to my goal weight by 2011
* be more consistent about posting here

Lofty goals? Maybe. But they're specific, achievable, within my control, and a good fit for my life.

How about you - any goals or dreams you want to share?

And, as a parting thought, here is a song by one of my favorite positive artists, Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers, titled "Hello New Day!"

Hello New Day - Roger Clyne & ...

Looking back

I love this time of year, but I didn't always. See, when I was a teenager, our family took turns hosting a New Year's party for our immediate family and those that were close friends from church. My mom went on this stint for a few years where she made us, as part of the nightly festivities, write down a resolution on three separate pieces of paper. We'd seal them in three separate envelopes with our address on it. She'd mail one letter to us after a month, after 4 months, and after 8 months.

I never kept my resolution past month one and, as a teenager, it was ALWAYS weight related. Somehow I think I got the resolution writing down business confused with letters to Santa when I was younger. For the most part, I was lucky as a kid - I usually got what I wrote Santa for. Not so much the case when it came to writing down a resolution to lose weight.

The first envelope came and I'd resolve to do better the next month - no matter what! Inevitably, I'd hear chocolate chip cookies call or the lure of fast food and I'd never keep my resolution past the next week.

But then letter number two came and I found fresh new resolve. I'd do it so that I could succeed by the end of the year - I just knew it! Only then I'd get stressed about my home life and comfort myself via food.

I never bothered to open the third letter.

I'm looking back on 2009. I started the year 16 pounds heavier than what I was at this past Monday's weigh in. I lost 40 pounds in the last four months of 2008. A part of me is somehow sad that I don't have more to show for 2009, weight wise.

And then I remember...

Not only did I keep off the 40 pounds that I had lost in 2008, I lost another 16 pounds.

I faced some real demons regarding my family's history.

I started dating someone - someone who loves to eat out, thereby facing a host of new challenges.

I actually started dating someone - I let myself be open to the possibility of a love of my lifetime or a pile of hurt at the end of the relationship. I don't know which way it's going to end...but I do know that being vulnerable again isn't as comfortable as I'd like for it to be.

I started seeing a therapist. One that's helping me deal with past traumas in a helpful way. She is helping me get back in touch with my emotions, ones that I've stuffed so far down with food that they're almost foreign to me. She is helping me to cope with life's stresses without food.

As I write this, my income is uncertain. My love life is uncertain. The traumas of my life have not met closure yet...

BUT...

I'm in a better place - emotionally and physically - than what I was at this time last year..

So yeah, I've only lost 16 pounds in 2009. But my resolution last year to be healthier in mind, body, and spirit DID get met.

What are you most proud of in 2009?