Yes. Now.

The last time I wrote here, I wrote a lot about how doing what I want, at the expense of others, is kind of a foreign thing.  And I got 1 spam response and one response from a loyal pal, Lily Fluffbottom.

And you know what?  I kind of don’t mind.

There was a day were years where I really wanted to make sure that the content I cranked out pleased someone.  Several times a day, I’d furiously check my stats and was absolutely beside myself with glee when Lyn from Escape From Obesity thought that my material was good enough to be linked to.

Now, I’d like to think that I wrote some good stuff – worthy of being read.  And the writing actually helped me a ton more than I ever thought it could.  But still, in the background, I was wanting approval.  Specifically, YOUR approval.

For the record, I don’t think anything is wrong with that.  It’s fun to have feel appreciation for something that you took a while crafting.  (Side note: That’s actually why I feel pretty badly about watching “Project Runway” because they spent TIME working on that damn house coat and when you rip it to shreds, you’re ripping up a part of their soul too. ) I mean, who doesn’t like positive feedback?

But the strong need for it?  Maybe that’s a tad unhealthy.

So when I wrote the last post, I knew that it wasn’t awesome.  But it was filled with thoughts that had been swirling around in my head.  And I wanted to write it down for prosperity’s sake – contained in a post that I could look back at and exclaim, “There.  There was where I started to get it.”

Because I am starting to get it.  In a big way.

Thinking about what *I* want hasn’t led me to being an ego-maniac who doesn’t care about others.  It hasn’t made me neglect things and relationships that fuel me.  But is has made me re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy.

And the conclusions I’m coming to are heartbreaking, really.

For starters, my best friend, who does not and never has read this blog, and I are not close anymore.  It’s been a small drift apart for a few years if I’m being honest.  But I did everything I could to make her feel loved and valuable.  She did a lot of that too, I’m sure.  But this past year?  Every conversation we’ve had revolves around her.  And when I’ve been in moments of complete freak out she hasn’t even picked up the phone.  We’re still friends, but nowhere near where we were.  That’s really sad.

And Joe?  I’ve chased after his love for over two years now.  And he still can’t say if he wants to be in a relationship with me.  Oy, the pain. 

But like a light switch turning on, all of the sudden I’m looking at his actions, or lack thereof, and questioning if I really want to live the next 60 years with someone who doesn’t hold up his side of the bargain on some pretty major issues.  Do I really want to drag someone kicking and screaming to the alter?  To a family?  To a healthy relationship?  I’m evaluating if this relationship is one that I still want or because it's a comforting routine.  I'm wondering if it’s just too unhealthy to continue. 

But lastly?  I went to the OB at the beginning of July and was told that the pain I was having was due to a large cyst growing.  They told me it was fine, just an ovulation cyst.  Only I’m on birth control.  And I had just had my period.  So I went back last week to get another ultrasound last week.

(sigh)

The cyst is bigger.  And my OB loving told me that if I want to have kids ever, I should start “sooner than later.”  That was the same advice my doc gave me last year after removing The Deficit (a huge uterine fibroid), so I asked her what that phrase meant.  She sighed and said, “It means if you ever want to have children, you should start trying now.”

Now?  When I don’t know what I want? When I’m not able to have an intimate relationship with my boyfriend because he’s too busy taking care of other people? 

Now?  When his grandparents are ailing and demanding that he spend significant chunks of time taking care of them?

Now? When my work has started to get increasingly busy as my only other co-worker in my department left for another job and we have a hiring freeze?

Now?  When I’m still working through issues of my own childhood abuse?

Now?  When I’ve joined Weight Watchers but still haven’t lost more than 8 pounds in the last 3 months?

Yes.  Now.

I’ve got some big decisions, people.

And part of me wants to seize up and go back to doing what I know – chasing other people with love so they’ll love me back.  But the other part knows that all I really need to do is decide, with love and compassion towards myself, what it is that I really want.  When I do that, the rest falls into place.

I’m starting to realize that life isn’t stagnant. 

The goal isn’t to make the waves of the ocean calm again.  Complete tranquility is unobtainable. 

The goal is to be happy riding through the waves.  And when it storms, I need to just go with it instead of trying to calm the seas.

Happiness isn’t found when everything is out of control.  I think it might be found when you’re enjoying life.  Just the way it is. 

I can’t wait until things calm down everywhere before I make real, lasting changes.  I can’t wait until I’m skinny to be a loved person.  I have to start now.  With me.  That way, childless or not, I’ll be happy.  Loved.

For the first time, I can really picture a life without Joe.  It’s not as scary as I once thought.  The scary part of it is how exciting it might be.

This post falls into the "miscellaneous" category

First of all, I want to thank you all for your kind and sweet comments on my last post, where I talked about my body issues and how they're becoming less of a big deal in my life with Joe. I'm finding more and more that if I can harness and reign in my thoughts regarding my size, weight, and food, I'll be more successful. And, not to freak anyone out, but I'm thinking about cancelling my commitment to Weight Watchers. Don't get me wrong, it's a great plan...and I love my leader...I just need for the focus to be less on points and on the number on the scale and more about the issues/habits that are keeping me fat. I'm still noodling it over in my head and am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. The great thing is that my leader is awesome and I'm pretty sure that if I come to her and ask her to tweak her questions a tad, that she will do just that.

In other news, I am officially moved out of my house! Assuming that nothing goes wrong tomorrow, I'll be closing on my place. Moving out of my house was definitely a struggle. Joe and I moved stuff (or drove the U-Haul) for 10 long hours IN THE RAIN on Saturday. We had a tough time getting all of my stuff in the truck on one trip, so we ended up having to make two trips. And I had only rented a 10 x 12 storage unit...so we had a lot of what felt like "furniture Tetris" to get it all in the right spots. In the end, everything fit. But OH! We are SO sore from moving stuff all day! I offered to treat us to a couples massage next weekend (preferably Sunday, after I run my first 5 mile race!). Joe bought me a house-warming present (even though I'm staying with him) that I'll be sure to write about in a post soon!

Eating wise, I'm really looking forward to being back on track this week. We went to Costco, as we normally do, and got non-fat greek yogurt and fresh fruit to mix it with. We stocked up on veggies and I bought the things to make my tuna fish salad. I'm excited for a more "normal" eating pattern and definitely looking forward to not eating out as much as I have been. I just don't feel as good when I'm eating out - even if I'm trying to eat healthfully. We have plenty of frozen items to eat throughout the week and I'm looking forward to not wasting the food that we already have.

Lastly, I bought a book that I've been wanting to read. It's called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life." I bought it because it's really in tune with what I've wanted to accomplish in my life - mindfulness when it comes to food. I'll let you know what I think.

I think those are all the thoughts in my head at the moment! I had intended to go running at lunch, but I forgot my armband and headphones at my new home so I'll run tonight instead.

Oh, Baby...

Internet, I confess: I'm envious.

Just now I read Fat Bridesmaid's post where she talked about how her friends are preggo and she is happy for them but doesn't want a baby for herself (at least right now).

And folks...I am SO not her.

In fact, I'm so not her that I kind of wish I WERE her. In a lot of ways, I think it'd be easier to have her mindset.

See, my desire to want to have a baby is, at times, so strong that I worry that others can hear my biological clock ticking.

I sigh over pictures of dooce's baby (who wouldn't??), I keep pictures of my friend's babies on my fridge, I proudly display their kids' drawings up in my cube, and I rush over to hold a baby when any friend indicates that that's a possibility.

Clearly, I've got baby on the mind.

My therapist says that this is a biological urge and that there is nothing wrong with wanting kids. And at 32, I want them badly before I'm 35 (for the health of myself and my babies).

I feel, in my heart, that I will be a mom - in one way or another. I know that the risk of me being able to get pregnant increases as I get older. Like any sexually active person, I've pretty much only tried to NOT get pregnant, so I don't even know if I *can* have a baby.

But OH do I want one.

I'm not really worried about it. I mean, I don't want one so badly that I'd get off my birth control and trick Joe into having a baby with me. Just the thought of that is horrible. And I am happy in my current relationship - it's building in a pace that I'm happy with and I hope is going somewhere.

Truthfully, I feel that a baby is in my future and I'm trying to trust that the things that I'm learning now, when I'm not a mom, are preparing me to be the best mom I can be. I hope that they inherit my freckles rather than my binging habits. I hope they get my sense of humor rather than my intense desire to worry about things beyond my control.

And having a baby? That's a whole lot of beyond my control. So I'm trying to not worry about it.

But just so you know, I want one. Actually, as long as we're being honest, I want two, but I'll try not to be greedy.