I don't even know where to begin

Hi there!

So much has happened since I last wrote that part of me wonders whether it's even worth continuing on this blog...

First, the awesome boyfriend that I've known for years (and years) and was dating this summer?  Yeah...that didn't work out.  He is a fantastic person, but he has a significant drinking problem.  When he contacted me via Facebook, I specifically asked how long it had been and his answer was "a long time."  He also said that he and his ex had been over for "a really long time."  Turns out "a long time" is relative.  He stayed sober the entire time we were together, but when I left for a trip in the fall, I came back home to find him completely blotto-ed on my couch.  I nursed him back to health (which was probably the most traumatic experience of my life) and then took him to his parents.  He hasn't been able to stay sober for longer than 3 weeks since then and even then I think that was only one stint.

In some ways, it was hard to say goodbye to him.  Especially since I ostracized two people that meant something to me just to date him.  But going through what I did - all that worry and drama is just not healthy.  And I want a healthy relationship.  I might sound cold about it but I think that's because I've processed through it and to be honest, it feels like it happened "a long time ago."

Separately (and it's important that I stress that this is not linked to the breakup!), I resurfaced the thought about having a child by myself.  As you might remember (hello, post below from October of 2012), I've been thinking about this for a while and I did a LOT of soul searching in late summer to figure out if this was the right choice for me.

After researching lots of different methods, I found a choice that felt right to me.  I planned and was finally able to get the green light to try.

And I'm pregnant!

My first attempt worked and I'll likely give birth at the end of September.

I'm REALLY happy about this choice and sometimes feel overwhelmed...but from talking to my friends that have been moms, they all say it's normal.

It's tough to do this by myself.  I found out I was pregnant at 2 AM and called my mom and woke her up.  My first ultrasound where I heard the heartbeat had me in tears and more than a little wishful that someone else was there to share in my joy and relief.  I did record the heartbeat and sent it to my family.

My family? They're super happy.  Well, except for my dad, the doctor, whose first response after me telling him I was pregnant was, "You're kidding."  To be clear, he's known that I was going through the process...but I don't think he (or anyone really) expected it to take on the first try.

I'm not making it public on Facebook yet (so please refrain if you know me in real life).  I'll announce after I get the 12 week ultrasound.  I have a few more weeks to decide what to share and how.

There is a support group that I've joined - called Single Mothers by Choice.  They have a Denver chapter and almost all the women have been really supportive of me.  Others are jealous or just plain old cranky.  I guess they're allowed to be that way since they're pregnant too.

Anyway, I'm happy.  The baby is healthy.  And life is good.

Oh, Baby...

Internet, I confess: I'm envious.

Just now I read Fat Bridesmaid's post where she talked about how her friends are preggo and she is happy for them but doesn't want a baby for herself (at least right now).

And folks...I am SO not her.

In fact, I'm so not her that I kind of wish I WERE her. In a lot of ways, I think it'd be easier to have her mindset.

See, my desire to want to have a baby is, at times, so strong that I worry that others can hear my biological clock ticking.

I sigh over pictures of dooce's baby (who wouldn't??), I keep pictures of my friend's babies on my fridge, I proudly display their kids' drawings up in my cube, and I rush over to hold a baby when any friend indicates that that's a possibility.

Clearly, I've got baby on the mind.

My therapist says that this is a biological urge and that there is nothing wrong with wanting kids. And at 32, I want them badly before I'm 35 (for the health of myself and my babies).

I feel, in my heart, that I will be a mom - in one way or another. I know that the risk of me being able to get pregnant increases as I get older. Like any sexually active person, I've pretty much only tried to NOT get pregnant, so I don't even know if I *can* have a baby.

But OH do I want one.

I'm not really worried about it. I mean, I don't want one so badly that I'd get off my birth control and trick Joe into having a baby with me. Just the thought of that is horrible. And I am happy in my current relationship - it's building in a pace that I'm happy with and I hope is going somewhere.

Truthfully, I feel that a baby is in my future and I'm trying to trust that the things that I'm learning now, when I'm not a mom, are preparing me to be the best mom I can be. I hope that they inherit my freckles rather than my binging habits. I hope they get my sense of humor rather than my intense desire to worry about things beyond my control.

And having a baby? That's a whole lot of beyond my control. So I'm trying to not worry about it.

But just so you know, I want one. Actually, as long as we're being honest, I want two, but I'll try not to be greedy.