Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Making time...

Yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting...and I'm happy to say that I'm down 0.2 pounds.  It might not sound like a lot (and let's be honest, it's not), but to me it shows and proves that I'm done with eating to fill an emptiness inside me.  There have been a lot of feelings the last few weeks as I prepare for a separation with Joe and the buying of a new house. 

But I haven't eaten them.  And THAT is the best.

Anyway, at the WW meeting, my leader talked about making time for things that matter.  She asked us to think of any goal that we had in our lives - and then asked us what it took to attain that goal.

For instance, when I wanted to graduate from college, my investment wasn't just in the time spent at classes or the money spent for the classes.  My investment in a great degree came with lots of hours at labs, in meetings with classmates, and at tutoring sessions if I needed more help.

Likewise, I can't look at the only time I'm willing to take for me to lose weight as the time spent in the meetings.

I need to invest the time into making healthy lunches, not just grabbing something on the go.  It means taking the time to get up early to go for a run.  It means understanding that there is time spent to drive to the gym.

To expect that this would just happen miraculously without any other time investment is silly.

And yet, how many of us have thought that if we just fix this "eating thing" we'd be fine?  Nope.  There's way more things going on that have contributed to my weight gain than just fixing my eating. It's by choosing to take the time to make the change a part of my identity that is going to get it done.

As I sat in the meeting, I thought of all the other things that I do with my time.  Some of it is productive, some of it is non-productive but totally awesome, and some of it is wasteful.  I want to be more mindful of scheduling or making time for the goals I really have.

After all, aren't we all worth spending some time on us, on our hopes and dreams?

P.S.  YAY!  The house was inspected last week and it passed with flying colors!  There are a few things to be fixed (aren't there always?) but nothing so big that it was a deal breaker.  The seller has come to the table with his offerings - not as much as I had hoped, but it's doable - and this whole process has gotten me even MORE excited about moving in the house.

I can't believe it's going to be mine in 9 days. 

The seller has had some heartbreak, some good times, and a new beginning with love while in this house. 

I can only hope that the same holds true while it's mine.

(le sigh)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Making Room

First, I had my inspection earlier today and was THRILLED with the results!  The inspector that I've hired for all of the homes I've bought (and then eventually sold) in Denver is awesome - and one of the things that I always love about him is how thorough he is.  As in I have 32 pages of findings from today's inspection.

Like I wrote, he's done two previous inspections for me, but this was the first time that he said, "You've got a great house.  You were lucky to find it - this one is a keeper." 

And he's right.

Sure, there are things that need to be fixed - aren't there always?  But the things aren't horribly expensive and they're reasonable.  If the seller won't fix them, I kind of don't care.  This is my house...and it feels SO good to be in it.

It's more room than I need.  But I hope to fill it up with unique finds, pictures and prints from friends, and lots of memories of wonderful people.

I'm making room for all of the wonderful things that are to come in my life. 

It feels blissful!

During the last week when I've made it more public that things were going to change between Joe and me, I've been amazed at people's reactions.  Some people were wildly enthusiastic about the move and some people looked at me with sadness.  Some people assumed that we were automatically going to break up and some people who thought that we had the perfect relationship were left wondering what happened.

The truth is, I'm not sure what is going to happen.  All I know is that our relationship isn't as healthy as what I want it to be before committing to each other for life.  I know that our therapist believes that the hard work can't happen without Joe doing some seriously tough stuff first.  As someone who has seen the benefits of therapy, I know first hand that although therapy can be life-changing, it also takes some significant amount of time.  And you have to be motivated to make the change.

Joe is motivated to become a healthier person; but it will take some time to make the changes necessary to facilitate a healthy relationship - with negotiating, full disclosures, and healthy boundaries.  I can't force or fix those things.  Believe me, I've tried.

So will we keep dating?  Maybe.  Will we live together again?  Maybe.  Will we break up?  Maybe.  Will we part ways and never speak again?  Maybe.  Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after?  Maybe.  Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with?  Maybe.

At this point, I don't know what the end result will be.  What I do know is that moving out and getting my own space is the next necessary step for me being healthier.  I know that this next step is right.

And at this point, I want to make room for all the possibilities in between us living together right now and us never speaking again.

Now is when I want to live my life fully - amidst all the struggles and confusion. 

Life isn't going to get any easier - I might as well make room for uncertainty.

See, Geneen Roth?  I listened to you after all.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Just a quick update...

Hi all!

First, I haven't been to the WW for a little while.  I weigh in on Mondays...and the 29th I had to stay late at work, this past Monday was Labor Day (my location was closed), and next week we have tickets to see the Broncos on their first game against the Raiders!  I'll admit, I haven't stepped on the scale, haven't tracked, and in general don't know how I've been doing weight wise.

Unless you count how I feel.  And in that, I've been doing really well.  I'm eating when I'm hungry and not eating when I'm not.

In fact, this weekend, I had ONE Reece's Peanut Butter Cup.  The other one from the package is still in our cabinet.  It may sound like a small thing, but it's a feat that I've never been successful at before.

The big news is that I've made the decision to move out of Joe's place.  It's been a long time coming and I made the decision with a heavy heart.  But I know that it's the right decision for me.  I just can't, in good faith, continue with this relationship without a chance to pause and determine what will make me happy.  I want children and a healthy partner so badly and I can't give that dream up.

I know that that pause needs to be in a location by myself.

Will it mean that we stop dating entirely? Maybe.  Will it be a catalyst to have him get healthier? I hope so.  Will he eventually move in? Maybe.  But this change gives me the chace to better evaluate all the options.

Joe is actually taken it pretty well and has graciously decided to let me stay until the end of the month...

At which time...

Actual door knob from my house. 
All the interior doors have these knobs.
I'm closing on a new place! 

I found the house this weekend and I LOOOOOOOVE it.  It's perfect.  It's a red brick tudor with tons of light/windows and is located only three blocks from a park/lake called Sloan's Lake.  Hello a runner's dream!

I'm thrilled that a place like this is finally in a price range that I can afford.  You can thank Joe for that too - giving me a break from the higher bills I was paying to save for this place.  I don't mean that I didn't contribute financially to the household - I defnitely have.  But the bills - even being split - are less than what I was paying on my own.

Here's a sneak preview of the guest bath - and one of the most awesome features of the house.  It's absolutely adorable.  And for those wanting more details, the tile floor has a light aqua to the buttons.  Other than the other aqua accents, it's completely white or chrome.  I heart it.

I'm doing well.  I'm taking care of myself.  And even though sometimes it's awkward still living with Joe and sad to know that I may never see some of his friends (whom I love dearly) again, I know I'm making the right choice.

I close on September 29th - three weeks from today.  I have a lot to do, a lot to arrange, and a lot to think about.  But I'm optimistic.