Which way is the music??

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting last night and gained back almost all of the weight that I've lost.

Before I stepped on the scale, my leader asked me, "So...how are things?"  And I gave her the most honest reply I could - being, "I don't want to talk about it."

I still struggle with feeling judged when I step on the scale.  Probably because I still struggle with judging myself based on the number on the scale.  But I didn't feel like discussing all that.  I didn't feel like having a heavy conversation last night. 

So I weighed.  I updated my weight loss tracker at the top of this page.  I stayed for the meeting.  I listened to other people's successes.  And my mood lightened and I started to shed the harsh judgements that only I heap on myself.

I got the weigh in sticker that indicated that I gained and you know what?  The world didn't stop turning.  No one on the street (or even in the meeting) gasped at me or shielded me from their baby's gaze.

Huh.  Go figure.

So I gained.  It's done.  All I can do is come up with a plan for today and for this week.

My plan for this week?  Track.  I do better when I track...and I'm not just talking about weight loss (though they seem to go hand in hand).  When I track, I have a moment to plan, to slow down, and process what it is that I really want.

Last night I met a friend at a restaurant near my meeting...and when I got there, I was famished.  I ate half of the appetizer, half of my entree (but all of the sweet potato fries - yum!).  And had half of the dessert. 

But before I went, I checked out some points values online and I did a pretty good job picking things that wasn't as high in points as others.  This morning, I counted my points, figured out just how many weekly points I blew through, and then started planning for today.

And today?  I'm going to Famous Dave's for lunch with an ex-coworker.  But I've planned out the meal - not picking the "easy" and "diety" go-to choice of just salad (and wow...you might be surprised at some of those point values on the salads).

I'm having ribs, garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli.  All for 11 points. 

Tonight?  I'm having baked tortilla crusted tilapia with veggies and couscous.  Or maybe a veggie wrap made with hummus, guacamole, and fresh cut peppers,carrots, and cucumbers in a high fiber fold-up.  I'll decide tonight based on if I want a hot or cold dinner.

I like having a plan.  The engineer in me loves being a bit anal retentive.  But the rebellious teenager in me also loves being able to have variety and tasty food without feeling like I'm on a diet.  I like that I can have both.

What's your plan of attack this week?

Keep Scootching...

This morning I had my annual "Keep scootching to the end of the table even though you feel like you're going to fall off any second now" appointment. As per usual, she didn't even buy me a drink first.

My OBGYN has lost 58 pounds since the last time I had seen her and she looks FABULOUS. When I commented on that, she said that I was a motivating factor in her life. She said that when I came in last year, she was so impressed by my weight loss that she had decided to lose hers too. She is now five pounds from her goal weight - I couldn't be more proud of her.

I, on the other hand, am another story.

We looked up my weight in the charts...and from 2008 to 2009, I had lost 59 pounds. From 2009 to 2010, I had gained 12. To be fair, last year, I was wearing a flowy skirt and top - because I wanted to be my absolute lightest. This year, I weighed in jeans, a heavy top, and shoes. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I am still up in weight from last year, but I'm not going to cry over it.

The truth is, I'm probably up about 5-7 pounds from last year. And while that's not horrible, it's also a slippery slope. 5-7 pounds year after year means a lot more weight to bear. And that is unacceptable to me.

In fact, it was a motivating factor to me to see her and to realize that by my appointment next year, I really do want to be at a healthy weight. I want to be another 40 pounds down.

They say that in order for goals to be truly effective, they need to be measurable, attainable, and contain a deadline.

So now, other than a semi-used paper gown, that's about all I have. Motivation to be healthier and a deadline by which to do it.

I'm on it.

Progress by any other name would smell as sweet...

This morning I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained three pounds since yesterday morning.

GASP!

Here's where you might be shaking your head saying "See! I knew it! She can't keep her act together! Mindless and intuitive eating DOESN'T work!" *

But you'd be wrong.

First, I don't weigh myself regularly. I just don't want to micromanage that part of my life. It's a crutch that I don't need these days.

So how'd I weigh myself two days in a row? Well, I weighed myself yesterday because I couldn't remember if Katy's contest started yesterday or today. I read her blog last night, realized it started today, and weighed myself again.

Sunday, Joe and I went to the Cheesecake Factory. I got one of their salads (dry) and ate about a fourth of it. I also got a piece of cheesecake to go. We ended up going to a BBQ where I had a few pieces of tortellini, two pieces of awesome cookie/chocolate chip/caramel/coconut bar of wonderfulness. I also had a few beers. But I just wasn't hungry enough to have a hot dog or hamburger. So I didn't. I listened to my body; I honored it.

So yeah, Monday morning, my weight was probably down lower than what it typically would've been.

Yesterday I had two eggs, two pieces of toast, and the rest of the salad and cheesecake throughout the day. The thing was, last night when we were watching our typical end-of-the-weekend movie, I ate one serving of the salad (which is admittedly large) and then realized I was still hungry. So I honored my body and ate more.

There are also certain (ahem) bathroom activities that has happened before the time of weighing yesterday that had not yet occurred today. Short aside: In our house, we call that "opening a jar of pickles" just in case you're wondering. We also call farting "letting rainbows escape" as that is what I am filled with...sunshine and rainbows. Too much information? Yeah. Probably so. Sorry 'bout that.

When I saw the 3 pound gain, I just saw it as feedback. I literally shrugged my shoulders and thought, "Yup. That's about right." I got off the scale, put it in the closet (which is where it is kept) and hopped into the shower. I thought of my plans for the rest of the day. I thought of the friends that I'll see this week. But I didn't think of the number that was on that scale. I had already forgotten about it.

In years past, I would've felt guilty for eating all that I did yesterday even before I stepped on the scale. I would've dreaded getting on the scale this morning because it would reflect the shame that I already felt. I would've remembered that the cheesecake was about ninety bazillion points and calories and would've taken the increased number on the scale as proof that I was weak. I would've silently hated myself, gotten off the scale, shoved it far back in the closet, gotten in the shower and as I'd clean my body, I'd be thinking of how F-A-T I was. I would've resolved to be extra strict today to lose the weight as quickly as possible. I would've thought of the number on that scale ALL DAY LONG.

I like my new way better. I feel good. My body got the nutrition it needed. My soul doesn't feel deprived either.

I love this way of living. I love not having to feel shame about food or a number on the scale.

In other news, although I'm not back to using the third notch on my belt comfortably, I'm REALLY close. I can notch it there and walk, talk, breathe, and eat. I just can't sit as comfortably as I like...but I'm close.

It's proof that my soul isn't the only thing that feels great. The weight and inches ARE coming off.


*As much as I don't want to admit it, I've received a few emails from people saying that my plan is not a good one, not a healthy one, and not a maintainable one. I'm so thankful that I can trust my own gut and realize that what is right for me now is this plan. I believe that it will be a struggle at times. But I believe that it CAN work. I believe that I can be free of restrictive thoughts. I believe that I can live freely.

Up a little, down a lot

My Weight Watchers meeting was last night...and I gained 1.6 pounds.

I hate going to the meetings when I gain. I hate walking into the facility knowing that I am heavier and knowing that I'm farther back in my goals than I'd like to admit.

But something happens EVERY TIME I get off the scale after I've gained.

The world keeps spinning. People laugh. Babies are born.

And no one, excluding myself, cares that I gained.

I know why I gained - it's easy. My week was filled with good foods and next to no exercise. I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure that eating more than you should and moving less means that you end up gaining.

This past week I've had a lot of ups and downs. I've ridden this rollercoaster of emotions tied to my facility being shut down and us not knowing anything. At one point last week, I was fully prepared to take any job they offered me.

And then?

Well, then I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. My sweet, wonderful, loving, fantastic, and supportive boyfriend. And then? Well, then I didn't want to leave at all.

He and I went snowshoeing for the first time this weekend and it was a bunch of fun and a good work out. It's kind of a pain in the butt to go so far away (four hour round trip) but we were so blessed to have friends that lent us the snowshoes, poles, and even a pack to put our water and granola bars in. We got to try the sport for free and although it's not something I can see us doing often, it was a bunch of fun and something neat to mix up our exercise.

And because I can't possibly be the only person who wonders what people out there in the blog-o-sphere look like, here is a picture of us outside snowshoeing (you'll have to trust me on that one) while it was snowing.
Today marks one week from when we found out that the facility is closing...and I've mourned and worried enough for now. I've been down a lot this past week...but today I'm taking my life back.
Sure, I'm still a little worried about what is to come. I am applying for jobs here in Denver daily - hoping that something will turn up where it is a job I'd like, that it pays more than what I'm making now, and that it is here in Denver.

I'm not so naive to think that there are oodles of those jobs out there, but it just takes one, right?

And today, I've gotten back on track exercise and eating wise. I've packed my sensible lunch. I've packed snacks. I've brought my running gear so that I can run in 40 degree weather at lunch. Will I be cold? Probably. I know that after taking two weeks off, I won't run as fast or as far.

But it will feel SO good to get back into the swing of things.

Sick of it...

I'm sick.

And I've also been on three really crappy dates. I would say four, but technically getting kissed made it a non-crappy date. And I've just been stressed at work.

All of those things added up means that I am not taking care of myself - subconsciously I've been turning to food.

This week's number at the scale is going to be big...a lot bigger than what I'd like.

I actually ended up losing 3.2 pounds this past week...and I know I went over points every day last week. I was already expecting a gain for this week - but my complete abandon for WW and it's points targets WILL make a huge difference on the scale.

And I feel crappy. Crappy because I'm sick, crappy because I'm discouraged about dating, crappy because I'm eating crappy foods, crappy because I haven't worked out (working out before the dates means I'd have to shower as well, working out afterwards isn't really an option...beer/food sloshing around without having time to digest might be ugly at work).

But basically, this week has taught me that I, yet again, need to concentrate on how I got this way. That taking care of me and listening to my body's needs is important.

I'll do better. I guess I just need to learn it or re-learn it on a weekly basis...and that in itself is a frustrating thing.