Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance   /ˌpɜrsəˈvɪərəns/ [pur-suh-veer-uhns]: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I have wanted to do a 10K since late last year.  In fact, I had signed up to do a 10K when I was home for Thanksgiving last year, but the race coordinators cancelled it due to lack of interest.

I've been sort of dipping my toes in the idea pool of 10Ks.  Thinking that I should try one and then missing the sign up date and feeling a bit relieved.

I think the reason I do this is that I know that I can run a 5K and I have run 5 miles before, but a 10K?  That just seems SO official.  Like I should be a runner.  Like I should be in shape.

And I'm not in shape.  In fact, when I ran the 4 miles yesterday at lunch, I had to walk for about a mile just to finish it.  I was tired, I was in pain, and I just didn't want to.

The thing is, without telling you all, I already signed up for the 10K.  It's called Fans on the Field (race day is next weekend!) and it's probably one of the coolest 10Ks ever.  See, Denver is lucky enough to have all the major sports teams...hockey, baseball, basketball, football, and (of course) dodgeball.  The 10K will involve us starting out at the football stadium (Invesco Field), running through floor of the Pepsi Center (where the basketball and hockey teams play), running on Coors Field (where our baseball team plays) and then finishing by running on the track of Invesco Field.  There is a lot of change in scenery and they're something about running where thousands of athletes have run before.  I ran the 5K last year and I told myself that I would run the 10K this year.

But that was before I found out about The Deficit. 

Part of me wants to say "Well, crap.  Now that I have this THING inside me, I should just sleep in, eat bonbons, and stop exercising.  Oh poor me! I have a big THING that makes me feel freakish.  Besides, the race is 9 days away - you're not even RUNNING a full 4 miles yet, how are you going to run 6.2?"  But I know that's silly.

I can FEEL the temptation to throw in the towel on the intuitive eating, on running, and on being healthier.  Because right now, I've got a lot of emotions going on.

And I can.  I can quit.  I can take a break in this whole healthy living thing.

But I won't.  Because I can't, not really. 

I read an interesting excerpt the other day on a blog somewhere (if you can recall where, tell me so that I can give credit!) that made the connection between ripening fruit and making the decision to be more in tune with your body; to be healthier.  Basically, it said that just as you can't stop the ripening of a peach, you can't go back to your life as if you don't care about your health any more.  Once you know (in your core) that there is a better way, you can't UN-know.

So that's where I'm at.

I feel this pressure to keep on my path of trying to lose weight.  Of trying to build up my distance or improve my pace in running.  And realistically, I know that I can't do the latter - at least not after October 28th - for a while.  I know that while re-couping, I'm going to be alone in the house.  Where there is food.   That no one will see me eat.

It's like the perfect set up to revert back to my old ways.

I know that that is one choice, one path that I have taken again and again in my life.  The other is to take all the learning and a-ha moments that I've had and say that this healing period will be a chance to do better.

I've had a lot of lessons in the past year.  I've had some quizzes.  But this surgery - the build-up, the healing, and the fall-out?  That's going to be the final exam.

I don't want to look at it as a pass/fail mentality.  But I do want to look at this and realize that this is a great way to look inside myself, with curiosity (rather than judgement) and LEARN to cope in ways other than unhealthy ones.

Which brings me back to the 10K. 

The truth is, I CAN run now.  The truth is, I can finish the race - even if I have to walk part of it.  Who cares?  The truth is, I will feel amazing when I accomplish that goal, just as I did when I accomplished Big Clyde's weekend challenge last weekend.

So, there's kind of only one thing to do.  To continue to ripen.

I'll go to the race.  I'll run when I can and walk when I need to.  But I will finish.

I'll have the pre-op testing and surgery.  And I'll come out of it better (and lighter?).

I'll heal at home and I'll rest my body.  When I feel lonely, I'll take a walk along the 16th Street Mall and enjoy seeing the "diversity" that is downtown.  When I want a change of location, I'll go to the nearby library.   And I'll take up the offers from Audra and Kris to keep me company during some of the time.

I can look at this as a way to go back, hide myself, and bury myself in the old ways of doing things.  OR I can persevere, I can find out what I'm *really* made of and show myself that *I* am worth changing for.

I choose the latter.

Cherry Creek Sneak, take 2

This past weekend, I ran the Cherry Creek Sneak, which can either be a 5K or a 5 mile run.

Last year, I did the 5K - and walked the entire thing due to some knee pain that I was having. This year, I did the 5 mile run.

Had I ever ran five miles at once? No. But I've come close and figured that it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Just so you know, I was STUPID. So whatever you do, if you want to run 5 miles on any given morning, do NOT do what I did. What I did do was go to Hacienda Colorado (a local Mexican restaurant) and overate the night before. In addition to eating a ton of chips and almost my whole entree, I had two (count 'em TWO) margaritas. I did not drink enough water.

I woke up with a headache hangover. Because I was still full from the night before, I didn't eat anything.

But I ran anyway.

Again, not a smart way to start a run.

The parking for this thing is ca-razy so Joe was nice enough to drop me off near the start line. He's done this at one previous race - the plan is: he drops me off, parks and reads a book, and then picks me up when I'm done.

Around mile 4.5, I was completely out of steam. And that's when I heard "Yay Anne! Keep going! You're doing great!" I turned my head - sure that it was someone else calling out to their friend - when I saw Joe, cheering just for me.

It felt amazing.

I picked up my pace and kept going strong to the end - where I finished in a little over an hour.

You may notice from the graph that it says I ran 5.5 miles. Some of that is probably attributed to the fact that when you're running in races, you can't really run in a straight line. There is a lot of running around people who are walking or pushing strollers...and sometimes you have to take the longest path between two points (kind of like the runners on the outermost lane of the track). I also am not 100% certain that my Nike+ is calibrated correctly when I'm running on the road. On the treadmill it's right on...but on the pavement? Maybe my path is wonky.

But I finished. I ran the whole thing.

Anyway, when we got back home, I made Joe take a new picture of me - since last year's race was where I opted to draw the comparison between my "before" picture and my "during" picture. Sorry the picture of me is so dark...Joe took it with his iPhone (known for it's handy apps, not necessarily for it's pretty picture taking).

Without further ado, here are my progress pictures:

This picture was taken early spring of 2008:

This picture was taken just after the Cherry Creek Sneak, end of April of 2009:


And this one? Taken Sunday - after the Cherry Creek Sneak, April 2010:

Not a lot of difference between the last two pictures...probably only 10 pounds, but I definitely have toned! My legs are smaller...and I tried to position them similar to how I had them in the first picture...with one leg slightly in front of the other one. I tried to hold my arms out to show the actual outline of my body, but the large shirt just kind of hung off of them making me look a tad disproportionate.

At first I was bummed because I wanted accurate during pictures - and then I realized that if it really is about health, this time around, then who cares about accuracy in pictures? I feel better, I run farther, I'm in better shape, and I am happier.

THAT is what success looks like anyway.

Running o' the Green...err...Running in the White

This past week has been a doozy for me. But I think that I got out of my unhealthy mindset and turned my healthy mindfulness back on. I'll write more about that later, though.

What I wanted to report back was that this weekend I ran my very first 7K.

To be honest, I didn't want to. I thought of eleventy hundred reasons I didn't want to...eleventy hundred reasons of why I shouldn't have to.

To start, I've never run a 7K. Ever. Not even on my own (i.e. not during a race). In fact, I've never even run 4 miles in a row, so running 4 and a half? What was I thinking?

Also, last week (you know, the week where I ate like complete crap) resulted in a gain of 5 pounds. FIVE POUNDS! And I only ran once - and that was on Friday at around 2.8 miles. Not exactly the best lead up to my first 7K. That was a good reason to quit.

When I checked the weather report the night before, it indicated that it would be in the 20s for the race and would be snowing in the middle of it. Are you kidding me? No WAY am I going!

I set my alarm for the next morning anyway. I took the dog for a walk to do her business. And I decided to "nut up." I got on my gear, took a quick picture of myself in the elevator on the way down to the street, and took a bus to the race start line.

Only aparently, 50 thousand other people had the same idea. I'm not kidding you. They announced that we had over the capacity of Coors Field already registered for the race. And I was one of about two thousand that hadn't yet received my number and timing chip - so I had to wait in a crazy long line. In fact, the line was so long (and poorly managed), that I didn't even get to start the race on time. I didn't even get to run with all of the walkers that started their race 15 minutes after mine started.

Surely that was reason enough to quit, right? I didn't get to have the high of starting in a group of people. I didn't get the adrenaline bump that you get when you start races. AND I knew that my boyfriend was at home, warm, in bed, and would love to snuggle with me. I already had the t-shirt. No one would know.

But no. I was here. Who cares if I don't get my official time? I mean, it's not like I was going to PR (personal record) the thing, right? So I ran it anyway.

I ran through literally thousands of people that were walking - people that were walking with their dogs, pushing their kids in strollers, or in general being zig-zaggedy about how they were walking. I added a lot of mileage just running around people.

I ran up some major hills with some really tough gradation (see this post to read about my first biking experience on one of those hills). Of course, this meant that I got to run down the same hills (which sounds like more fun than it actually is).

In the middle of it, my left foot had a horrible pain in my arch - almost like it was cramping up. I tried to run through the pain, but it eventually hurt so bad that I went to the side of the road, untied my shoe, and massaged it - hoping to ease it's pain. After about 45 seconds of that, I tied up the shoe and continued running. And I didn't stop my iPod at all (I run with Nike+ software -which allows you to pause your workout at times like these when you're...well...pausing. That means that you could technically cut out the non-running time to get a more accurate pace and time).

So I ran...mostly. I walked, two times - when the hills were so tough and my arch was cramping so badly that I needed to take it easy - but each time, it was for about 15-30 seconds.

See the even pace and then the decline at the end? I actually ran a lot faster (covered more distance) at the end. Because Nike+ actually measures the distance by number of steps (which you can calibrate) it thinks that my longer stride (and therefore more time between steps) is me running slower. Basically, it just means that I probably need to calibrate it again. The distance was longer than a typical 7K because I actually started the time when I started running, which was (stupidly) well before the start line of the race.

And at the end? It was snowing. My fingers were freezing and I couldn't wait to get home, get a hug, and hop in a hot shower. So it wasn't a "running of the green" as much as it was a "running in the white." :)

I'm proud that I finished. I'm proud that I completed something that I wanted to do. I'm proud that despite a bunch of reasons to quit, I didn't.

I accomplished a goal yesterday. And it feels great.

I'll Love 'Em

As I wrote, Saturday I participated in the "Love 'Em or Leave 'Em 5K" in a small suburb of Denver.

My boyfriend and I drove down to the race where we FROZE waiting for the race to start. It was in the 30s, but because the wind was blowing so hard and the sun wasn't out, it felt much much colder. He didn't actually participate in the race (despite him being physically fit, he isn't much of a runner yet) but instead read a book in the warm car.

I appreciated his support so much. It helped knowing that while I was running this crazy, cold race, someone was waiting for me to finish. :)

My result was my fastest time yet. As I crossed the finish line, the lady yelled that I finished in 34'16".* I was thrilled. Up until now, my fastest time was 34'49" during the Turkey Trot in November of last year. The fact that I ran this race as fast as I did was pretty cool. The race was so poorly planned that there were a lot of injuries and a lot of confusion. The course was rocky and bumpy (like running through an abandoned field) and it was covered with ice in some areas. I saw at least five people trip, fall, or roll their ankles. They were accompanied by friends who helped them (or else I would've) but I hope that they were okay.

When I finished the race, we went out to breakfast and enjoyed a nice leisurely day. And that day? It led to the best morning that I've had in a while.

Because the next morning was Valentine's Day and the guy that I'm dating? He is absolutely wonderful. I've had my share of guys that have said that they loved me but didn't treat me like they did. My boyfriend? He does both. When I woke up the next morning to 5" of snow on the ground and was worried that I wouldn't get enough stuff done before being able to leave on my flight, he went outside and swept the snow off my car. Then he ran a quick errand for me and he even bought me breakfast and delivered it to me at a convenient intersection after I dropped off my dog just because he knew that I didn't have enough time to eat.

I love this man. And he loves me. It feels glorious to know that. So, when faced with the choice of loving him or leaving him? Well, I think I'll keep him.

The Cupid Shuffle

This morning I'm going to be running in the "Parker Love 'Em or Leave 'Em" 5K. I'd normally love to run the 5K on Valentine's Day because I'm weird like that, but tomorrow morning I'm traveling to Houston for another week of training. Thankfully, it's the last week of training and although it will be completely exhausting, I'm so thankful that I got to have this training.

A week ago when I was out with my friends, I heard a song for the first time...and I couldn't get it out of my head. It's lyrics embed themselves in your head... sort of like an alien. And then you can't get it out of your head...sort of like the flash of the visual that you might have when you realize that your parents actually had to have sex to make you. You're welcome.

At any rate, I eventually downloaded it and then listened to it about eleventy billion more times and I am still hooked.

Lyrically, don't expect much. In fact, musically, don't expect much. But the bass beat in the background is funky and it allows me to keep pace pretty well as I'm running.

So for today's race, it's going to be my "Power song" on my Nike +. The idea is that as you're getting tired or sluggish on your run, you can hit a button that immediately plays this song and then you'll be rejuvenated.

And, because I'm kind of a dork, I love that since it's Valentine's Day (almost) it's cute that I'm listening to "The Cupid Shuffle" by Cupid (although I somehow suspect that's not his real name :) ).

Let's put a notch under the win column, shall we?

I am so excited!

This past week has been AMAZING for me.

Before I get ahead of myself, allow me to say that I recognize that these times can be fleeting. I realize that this may not last. I had MANY more of these weeks when I first started to lose weight so the fact that I'm feeling this great 14 months into my health kick is FANTASTIC. I am SO excited that this is how I'm feeling RIGHT NOW that I just want to post about it.

I ran a fantastically fun 5K this weekend - one where people dressed up like David Hasselhoff, German maidens, and toilets. I had a great time...they even served a beer after the race to all participants. After posing for this picture (and taking two celebratory sips), I trashed it.

You guys have to know that my time got better by 1:20 - that's a MINUTE AND TWENTY SECONDS - from two weeks ago, when I ran the last 5K. Thanks to the wonder of my Nike+, I found that I ran my first mile in 9:15. In fact, after I heard that time, I slowed my pace - because I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to run the whole thing at that rate. I ran the whole thing in 35:28 - and I am SO proud of myself.

My eating? On track. I have been monitoring points, tracking as much as I feel necessary. But truthfully? I'm finding that the days that I eat mindfully are the days that I'm not eating like crazy at night.

I'm (GASP!) listening to my body.

And what I'm finding is that I'm picking foods that are good for me - ones that fuel my body. I've taken SOME of the emotion out of eating.

Can I just say that I feel marvelous? Okay then. I do. Pieces are starting to fall into place.

My boyfriend seems to love to eat out...and I've started actually ordering something that sounds good - but also something that is similar to what I would have if I'd have been home.

If I've been tired, I've concentrated on getting sleep. If I've been cranky, I've asked for a hug. If I've needed a listening ear, I've called a friend. I've been good to me.

The scale says that I'm down today - which is great, seeing as how I weigh in shortly...but more than that, I FEEL healthier - mind, body, and spirit.

I've tried this past week...and it has felt WONDERFUL to feel like I've succeeded. We've all had weeks where we've tried and fallen very short of our goals. So the success this week? It WAS well earned and just the kind of push that I needed to gain momentum.

Watch out, world. Because right about now, I feel invincible.

The Aflac IronGirl 5K

Yesterday I ran the Aflac IronGirl 5K here in Denver and it was, in a word, amazing!

First, there were almost 1300 women running the race. It was a race for, in celebration of, and by women. I think that's pretty cool.

My friend Kelly decided that she wanted to do it too. We walked a race in April together and I so appreciate her wanting to do stuff like this. She actually opted to walk this 5K, so I ran and then cheered her on as she got close to the finish line.
So how'd I do? I finished the race in 37' 28". The one that I did a few weeks ago, I finished in 37'32". So I'm 4 seconds faster. :)

The previous race actually had MUCH less hills in it than this one did, so I know that I was stronger this time around.

BUT the really great thing is that Kelly and I went out to eat for breakfast afterwards and what did I order? An egg white omelette full of veggies, tomato slices, and wheat toast. It was fantastic. I'm proud of this because sometimes when I exercise, I use it as a way to forgive myself for anything else that I might eat. So eating what I normally would've eaten was a great thing for me to do.

I'm trying to learn that eating out just means that you're changing the location of where you're eating - you don't actually have to eat differently than what you would at home. Logically that makes sense. But sometimes, when I want to celebrate, I get confused between the emotions of celebrating and the tradition of food that usually accompanies it.

So yesterday? It was a start.

Oh - and the guy that I've been dating? We got together last night and ate at Souper Salad. I love that he is supportive of me and my efforst in getting healthier. I love that he doesn't act in any way, shape, or form, that he is dissatisfied by the way I look- in fact, he compliments me. And I love the fact that the concerns I had of us clicking chemistry-wise have been retired. He is great and this just may be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

A measure of success

I'm pretty proud of myself this past week.

I paid attention to my feelings and tried (and was successful sometimes) with breaking that cycle between feeling and eating.

The scale says I'm down today - and that's pretty consistent with how I feel. I feel that I've been more in control of my emotions this week. And because of that, I've tried to focus on the concept that food is just for fuel...not for filling emotions. This week was pretty successful, and my goal is to try to continue that through this next week too.

I'm sure that running 13 miles this past week didn't hurt either.

Speaking of, this past weekend was the first 5K that I ran all the way through...and I'm pretty proud.

Here's me finishing the race...

Here's me clicking off my Nike+ to get the time. Because I was farther back in the pack when we started (there were 3000 people there!) and due to my weaving on the course, I actually ran closer to 3.5 miles...at 10'47" a mile. That's faster than what I've been in a long time...and I coudln't be prouder!

Here's me after the race ended...and this shirt? It's a LARGE. No extra's here...

I'm trying to decide if I want to do another 5K this weekend or if I just want to wait until August 8th, which is the Aflac IronGirl race....

Prepare yourself...I'm about to brag. :)

I am so proud of myself! :)

Today I participated in the Cherry Creek Sneak, which is either a 5K or a 5 mile run depending on what you want to do. I did it with my friend, Kelly, who was okay with walking pretty much the whole thing. I feel okay because I know that if my knees were doing better, I would've run the whole thing. So next year? Watch out, baby! :)

Because parking was absolutely nuts, I had to walk quite a ways just to get to the start of the race (which is why my total on the right is almost 4 miles). And even though it says my average pace was about 15 minutes/mile, that's not bad because there were times when we had to walk so slow because SLOOOOOOOOOW people were in front of us. There's nothing wrong with slow people...I just don't want to be behind them. This is why I can't stand shopping malls, especially around Christmas.

And here I am looking WAAAAAAAY thinner than what I was a year ago.

My friend Kris told me to check out pictures when I get discouraged...and she's right - I really have come a long way. :) To give you an example, here I was a little over a year ago: