Thursday, September 2, 2010

Mixed emotions

Yesterday I had my third and final interview for the position that I wanted to get.

I felt so anxious the whole morning and afternoon leading up to the interview.  In fact, when I went home to change into my suit, I decided to get into a restorative yoga pose (crocodile) to help calm my nerves.  Doing that and focusing on my breathing did a lot to calm me.

Driving on the way to the interview, which was at 1:30, I felt calm.  I knew you all were holding me up in prayer or good thoughts - and I felt peace.

When I finished the interview process (at 5:00), I wasn't even sure that I wanted that job.

First, it requires some knowledge that I just don't have.  It would take some significant (meaning weeks) of training OUTSIDE of my normal job responsibilities to get up to speed with what the basics are for this position. 

Second, it may require more travel than what I was originally told.  I was told 10-20% travel.  Yesterday it turned into "at least 30%."  Being gone 4 months out of the year is not a good fit for me and my lifestyle right now.  I feel like I just found Joe - and I don't want to waste my time in Ghana for 1/3 of the year when I could be getting morning snuggles.

So I left not quite feeling like this particular job would be the best fit.  I called my contact at the jobsite and he said that he was approached before he went home with the question, "Are you SURE you don't know anyone else who we could interview?"

To me, this means that they weren't feeling it either.  Realistically, to extend the process a few weeks to find more candidates may not be smart on their part - especially when they could use that time to get me up to speed.

But again, taking that position would require a major overhaul of my life - my relationships, my eating (hello - I don't get to pick what I want to eat in a remote location in Peru), and my ability blog. And I really enjoy all three of those things.

So we'll see.  What I wanted was to go in there, present to the best of my ability, and then feel peace about what I did.  And I feel that.

But last night, Joe had to work late again (and he ended up not coming home until 11:45).  I knew I wanted to talk about it.  I placed a few phone calls to people who knew about the interview - people who knew specifics - and everyone was unavailable.

I admit it, I thought about going out to eat to celebrate.  I thought about how we didn't have anything at home to eat (which is only partially true), and how NO ONE WOULD KNOW.

But I stopped.  I realized that I wasn't hungry right then.  So I went home, changed into fun pants, a college sweatshirt, and vegged out watching TV.  Did I bolt from my life?  Maybe.   But when I felt sad, I reached out and called someone else (only to reach voicemail).  Then I vegged again.  When I felt disappointed, I texted Joe that. 

I'm proud that I saw myself ready to make excuses to eat out, eat whatever I wanted, or just eat to escape my life and these uncomfortable feelings.  But I persevered by trying to feel the feelings as much as possible.  It was amazing that when I did so, it became wholly apparent that I wasn't feeling hunger. 

I'm proud that I put names to the feelings I did have. I'm proud that I didn't use all of the events of yesterday as an excuse to abuse food. And I'm proud that even with a dozen cookies, M&Ms, and bags of chips in the house, I only had one cookie. The rest didn't get touched. I did eat when I was hungry - maybe not the most balanced meal ever, but it had protein, carbs, and fruit.

I've slept like crap the last two nights.  I know that when I'm low on sleep, I'm more likely to turn to carbs and sugars the next day - if only for the bump in energy.  So instead, I'm going to be aware that I shouldn't eat all the sugar and crackers in site...because if my body wants sleep, perhaps I'd be better off with taking a nap in my car at lunch.

So I'm disappointed, I'm proud, I'm tired, and I'm uneasy.

But hey - at least I'm not full.


Allan said...

And don't forget, you look good in your new bra...
Smile, it will be alright !!

Lesia said...

So proud you did not do any emotional eating. That's BIG! Not sure what to say about the whole job thing though. Good luck and enjoy your time with Joe you never know when or if it will end. :)

Fat Girl vs. World said...

Good on you for sitting with your negative emotions instead of sitting with food. That's a small shift but a huge change!

No matter what happens, know that you have my love and support.

"Put your talent in your work; your genius your life" ~oscar wilde

Janell said...

I hated interviewing for those kinds of jobs. I always wanted them because it meant I would going further in my career but it always meant working so much harder. Now I feel I can sit back and relax and not eat and still work. And function. Thank goodness for calm.

Jams said...

I'm so very proud of you! You made big strides yesterday. You calmed yourself before the interview. You went in and you presented your best.

You walked out thinking that it wasn't the job for you. You know what though? Interviews go both ways. You, in a way, are also interviewing the company during the interview. And if an offer is made, you don't have to accept it. That's the greatest thing about life. The choices.

You made great ones yesterday. There's one thing you should be full of... Pride. Be proud of yourself. You are awesome.

Mandy said...

You never know what is in store for you! It seems like you're going with the flow, which is what I would recommend.

Sam said...

I'll pray that what ever is the best thing for Anne, will happen!

Way to be with your feelings and not to run, I'm proud of you! If you ever need someone to chat, you have my digits.

Lala said...

Amazing and stunning job! I am so proud of you! Those are all such difficult emotions, and that you stood in the midst of them without "bolting from your life" is just wonderful! Congrats on that big victory, and congrats on doing the best during the interview even if you eventually don't decide it's the best fit for you.

Big Clyde said...

Good for you, making those good choices last night. It seems you have come a long way. Sometimes, we just have to make it to the next day.

Karen said...

And you should be proud! Facing emotions head on instead of with eating is hard. I hope that this job thing all works out for you with the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

Lanie Painie said...

Congrats on making good choices and paying attention to your emotions.

Maybe this time is wasn't meant to be, but if the experience was some test from a greater power, I'd say you passed with flying colors!

TinaM said...

I'm so sorry it isn't exactly how you thought :(
BUT you did your best and you should be proud of that no matter the outcome!
And I am sooo happy for you, that you recognised how you felt and didn't let food take over. That is awesome!!!

The Babe said...

I felt the same way when I was looking for a job. It's as much of the job finding you as you finding it.

You also should have my number, silly. Feel free to call's entirely possible that I need someone to distract me from eating at the same time you do!

Miz said...

good for you for staying with the feelings and not distracting.

small but seismic shift.

(does that make as much sense to you as it does to me? :) methinks not...)


The Serial Slimmer said...

It's good that you recognise your week moments, then you can escape that viscious cycle of stress, eat, stress about eating, eat some more, stress some more....!

So simple to avoid, but an easy trap to fall into.

Good luck!