Mixed emotions

Yesterday I had my third and final interview for the position that I wanted to get.

I felt so anxious the whole morning and afternoon leading up to the interview.  In fact, when I went home to change into my suit, I decided to get into a restorative yoga pose (crocodile) to help calm my nerves.  Doing that and focusing on my breathing did a lot to calm me.

Driving on the way to the interview, which was at 1:30, I felt calm.  I knew you all were holding me up in prayer or good thoughts - and I felt peace.

When I finished the interview process (at 5:00), I wasn't even sure that I wanted that job.

First, it requires some knowledge that I just don't have.  It would take some significant (meaning weeks) of training OUTSIDE of my normal job responsibilities to get up to speed with what the basics are for this position. 

Second, it may require more travel than what I was originally told.  I was told 10-20% travel.  Yesterday it turned into "at least 30%."  Being gone 4 months out of the year is not a good fit for me and my lifestyle right now.  I feel like I just found Joe - and I don't want to waste my time in Ghana for 1/3 of the year when I could be getting morning snuggles.

So I left not quite feeling like this particular job would be the best fit.  I called my contact at the jobsite and he said that he was approached before he went home with the question, "Are you SURE you don't know anyone else who we could interview?"

To me, this means that they weren't feeling it either.  Realistically, to extend the process a few weeks to find more candidates may not be smart on their part - especially when they could use that time to get me up to speed.

But again, taking that position would require a major overhaul of my life - my relationships, my eating (hello - I don't get to pick what I want to eat in a remote location in Peru), and my ability blog. And I really enjoy all three of those things.

So we'll see.  What I wanted was to go in there, present to the best of my ability, and then feel peace about what I did.  And I feel that.

But last night, Joe had to work late again (and he ended up not coming home until 11:45).  I knew I wanted to talk about it.  I placed a few phone calls to people who knew about the interview - people who knew specifics - and everyone was unavailable.

I admit it, I thought about going out to eat to celebrate.  I thought about how we didn't have anything at home to eat (which is only partially true), and how NO ONE WOULD KNOW.

But I stopped.  I realized that I wasn't hungry right then.  So I went home, changed into fun pants, a college sweatshirt, and vegged out watching TV.  Did I bolt from my life?  Maybe.   But when I felt sad, I reached out and called someone else (only to reach voicemail).  Then I vegged again.  When I felt disappointed, I texted Joe that. 

I'm proud that I saw myself ready to make excuses to eat out, eat whatever I wanted, or just eat to escape my life and these uncomfortable feelings.  But I persevered by trying to feel the feelings as much as possible.  It was amazing that when I did so, it became wholly apparent that I wasn't feeling hunger. 

I'm proud that I put names to the feelings I did have. I'm proud that I didn't use all of the events of yesterday as an excuse to abuse food. And I'm proud that even with a dozen cookies, M&Ms, and bags of chips in the house, I only had one cookie. The rest didn't get touched. I did eat when I was hungry - maybe not the most balanced meal ever, but it had protein, carbs, and fruit.

I've slept like crap the last two nights.  I know that when I'm low on sleep, I'm more likely to turn to carbs and sugars the next day - if only for the bump in energy.  So instead, I'm going to be aware that I shouldn't eat all the sugar and crackers in site...because if my body wants sleep, perhaps I'd be better off with taking a nap in my car at lunch.

So I'm disappointed, I'm proud, I'm tired, and I'm uneasy.

But hey - at least I'm not full.