Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How I know I'm on the right path

My original post that was originally titled "Two steps forward, one step back":

Yesterday I bragged about how I was down 4 pounds, about how I had run twice in the last three days, about how I was back on it.  Living at a level 5.

And right after I hit publish?   I ate four brownies.  Sure, they were small.  But still...


I think sometimes when I blog about successes I have, I'm fearful that I don't really deserve it.  I think that's what "The Voice" tells me...that I don't deserve good things.

And, even when I knew that I was feeding insecurities, etc. I decided to eat when I wasn't hungry (aka all last night).  I didn't even eat foods that I was craving.  I ate out of rebellion (I think).


This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought of what I ate and then thought of my scale of hunger yesterday.  My bloating feeling this morning just told me that I overindulged last night.  And I really didn't beat myself up on it.

I looked in the mirror and realized that today I get to "do it" a bit better; today I get another chance to live a healthier life.

I ate my breakfast this morning (not my normal breakfast...Joe and I signed up for a week long meal service a few months ago and so all my meals this week are pre-cooked, pre-proportioned, and under 1200 calories for the day) and couldn't finish it.  I realized that a bit too late though.  So I still have probably a cup of fresh fruit left which I'll take to the break room fridge momentarily.

I'm determined to not eat until I get hungry again - at a 2 or 3.  From the way I feel right now, it'll be a while.

I also realize that yesterday I didn't WANT to eat what was pre-portioned and packed for me (again, the healthy meal service).  So I didn't.  Instead I ate four small brownies, a half serving of soy crisps, and some all natural nut butter on a double fiber english muffin.  I didn't eat their dinner either - instead I had Pinkberry frozen yogurt, two servings of Sun Chips, a serving of Annie's Cheddar Bunnies, and two pieces of Dove dark chocolate. * 

Anyway, both pre-made meals (according to Joe - who had the same things, just bigger portions) were good.  They even looked good.  I think I just did it out of rebellion.  Sometimes I can be SUCH a kid about things.

So today, I have a salmon chunked salad OR a steak and cheese sandwich to eat for lunch - somehow having two options make me feel better.

I may not be successful every day, but I *am* learning - even if it's just more about myself. 

What started out as an aside:
* Wow.  Is that right?  Here I was thinking that I way overate and looking back on what I wrote, I didn't.  I mean, I ate when I wasn't hungry (which is something I'm determined to be mindful about) but this is a FAR cry from the days where I'd eat 12 candy bars in one sitting. Certainly they weren't healthy choices, but again, it's not like I was eating copious amounts of fast food.  I'm not justifying that what I ate was good or healthy...just that it's not as horrible as I had thought.

I felt so bloated last night and this morning from what I ate - but I suppose it was that after days of living at a level 5 of hunger/fullness satisfaction, my body didn't like being that full.  Earlier in my journey, I would've felt this horrible only after eating SO MUCH stuff...that I guess I just assumed that I had way overdone it.  Even for breakfast today, I had two eggs scrambled with some artichoke in it, two pieces of turkey bacon, and a half cup of fruit.  I feel very full - but it would've taken at least twice that to feel this full in the past.

In looking at what I ate yesterday, even if I had counted up points, I don't think that I would be over my daily allotment with some extra weekly points thrown in.  In my WW days, I would've eaten what I did, felt horrible about it, but then counted up my points, saw that I was within them and then would've patted myself on the back because I stayed below a number that someone else told me was healthy.  Now I'm able to look at it, realize that it wasn't healthy, that my body didn't feel good, and want to change it - no matter what the points say.

Suddenly, getting "back on track" doesn't seem like such a challenge now!  I *can* do this! 

And it reiterates that the focus on being healthy instead of counting points, makes a ton of sense for me.



Katy said...

I can't tell you how many times I've rebelled against my own plan for health. SO MANY times...and for what reason? LAME. This really does reitterate (sp?) that this plan is what's best for you right now and not WW. It's hard to get on board with an eating plan that allowes WHATEVER you want just as long as you stay within a point range. Seems a bit off kilter for me. Health does not mean ho ho's and ding dongs even if they're within your point allowance. Stepping off WW soap box now. Geez, I'm saucy today about food! Proud of you for recognizing and standing up for your health!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

That's the difference between this time and previous journeys for me: even when I fall off the wagon, I'm still able to hop back aboard before it gets very far down the road.

Small victories still count as victories!

Mandy said...

Isn't it awesome when we realize how freakin' brilliant we are!?! You totally can and are doing it! Rock on, girlfriend! WOOT WOOT Holla!

Jams said...

You're doing awesome. And I think we were separated at birth. At the very least, we share the same "success" issue. I almost didn't publish my ice cream post this morning... for fear that I'd rush home and eat all that was left in it.

I took a deep breath and realized that I am proud of the choices that I have made leading up to this point. If I have a moment of weakness, so be it. It's just a moment in the grand scheme of life.

And while your food choices weren't the "healthiest" yesterday.. I'm sure, like you said, they could've been (and have been in the past) much worse. You're definitely on the right path.

We'll walk along together, doing our own thing!

Finding The Thin Within said...

Hi there =) I was wondering if I could feature your blog in my next newsletter. I have been blogging for a couple months and started a monthly newsletter. Amoung other things, I like to pick out a blog of substance and highlight it. I was hoping you'd allow me to use your blog for the October issue. Just let me know either way if you don't mind. My email is katiewarren88 [at] gmail [dot] com or my blog address is


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

I enjoyed this post - it made a lot of sense to me! So many times I have barely had the words out of my mouth and BAM!, rebellion.

Isn't it great, though, how sometimes our rebellions are not so very awful after all...makes it easier to pick up and keep on going. Especially if you want to resume healthful eating for the sake of feeling better, rather than to achieve a certain number of points.

Moving Mertle said...

I totally know that feeling of "I don't wanna!" I've stopped tracking food and exercise because I got overwhelmed and had a bit of a rebellion. So I'm eating pretty much the same things just not writing it all down..which somehow makes me feel better.

I also get that "I don't deserve this feeling" Like if I loose a lot of weight quickly I think it's too good to be true. So next week I think I'm going to step off the scale and like you eat what makes me feel good and not bloated.

Margie M. said...

I wrote out my post last night but couldn't get online to hit "publish" until this morning. What a surprise then when I came looking for your blog and saw the original title of your post. I promise I was not copying you. :)

I like what you wrote about getting back on track. I'm always looking for the track so I can get back on it (as I'm doing today after a weight gain again).

I don't think you need to worry too much about your last couple of days, as you are getting back on track. It's when the track gets so far away from us and gets overgrown with weeds and litter that we really need to be concerned.

Your pre-planned, pre-cooked meals sound great. No cooking for a week! YeeHaw!

Margie M. writes at:

Karen said...

I think I just saw the light bulb go off!? Good for you. And I can relate to the word "rebellion." Actually, it made me rethink my last post when I kept using "resentment." Either seem to fit me.

TinaM said...

OMGoodness I did the same thing today. I wrote and was so sure I was back on track, I didn't want any more of the birthday cake that's left over... I publish it, and 2 hours later I have a bowl of cake and ice cream... UGH. I am so disappointed in myself.

But then I came here and see your post. I am still disappointed, but know that I will go on and be fine. I'm back on track NOW.

Thanks for always being so honest.

Lanie Painie said...

As usual, this is a great post. I've really been struggling with the same issue. I blog about my success and then I immediately go blow it. WTF am I thinking?? I'm really starting to believe that I need counseling (shut up peanut gallery, I didn't ask you).

Lily Fluffbottom said...

self efficacy is a wonderful thing. What a great break through. You are doing great, you just gotta trust your greatness.

Leah said...

You have me thinking about how I rebelled every time I see success as well. Hmmmmmm more work to do evidently.

Anonymous said...

This whole "rebellion" thread reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of "Roseanne" where she's berating herself and Dan for being so overweight. She said that they eat like their parents are gone for the weekend!

Charlotte said...

I'm just starting out with the whole losing weight and being healthy thing, and I'm doing WW and the whole tracking points thing. However, this post got me thinking about an authentic approach versus artificial. You've really given me something to think about here. Interesting!