Friday morning I finally realized what emotion I was feeling...and it came about it a pretty strange way.
I was walking out of our building and ran into a neighbor from upstairs who offered his condolences about my dog that died about a month ago. And right there, in the middle of downtown, while I was already 10 minutes late, I cried.
It's still hard. And I guess I feel silly about that. I mean, she was just a DOG for goodness sake! One of the last things I wanted to do was to post about it here...because I recognize that I kind of come across as "That Crazy Dog Lady Who Can't Get Over Her Dog's Death." I vowed I would never be HER. And yet here I am, a month and a half after she died, still crying.
Two feelings - loneliness and guilt - are feelings that I've had all to often in my life. I suppose that's why I turned to food when I wasn't hungry - it's what I've always done before.
Once I recognized the feelings, I was better equipped to work through them.
I received so many helpful comments - and I can't thank you enough for all of your suggestions and kind words - both here and via email. I am SO lucky.
I honestly didn't think that anything was wrong - I couldn't figure out my feelings...which is SO frustrating. I mean, even 4 year olds know their feelings. And here I am, at 33, not able to figure out why I was eating when I wasn't hungry.
So now, I have part of the answer. I know what I was feeling. And I learned that when I eat when I'm not hungry, there IS something there - I just have to dig deep enough.