Pausing

'Member last week when I wrote that I was eating and eating and didn't know why and couldn't stop?  Yeah, me too.  It sucked.

Here's the thing that I didn't mention about Friday afternoon. I knew that I needed to cry about Chassis. So I actually went to a store and BOUGHT the movie "Beaches." If you haven't seen it, just know that it's almost the saddest movie ever made and gets me to cry every time. I knew I would feel silly about just sitting on my couch trying to cry, but if I had something to HELP me cry, that'd be great, wouldn't it?

Right next to the SuperMegaMart is a Dairy Queen.  So Friday at lunch, I treated myself to the DVD and a blizzard.  Okay, actually, two small blizzards. Healthy, I know.

Anyway, I went home after work, ran in the rain, took a shower, and then opened the brand new DVD case and plopped the disc into the DVD player.  NOTHING.  As in, it didn't work at all. 

So my perfect crying prompter wasn't working.  I sat on the couch and TRIED to feel sad about Chassis not being there...and I did feel sad.  I even cried a little.  But I couldn't quite get all the crying out.

Until Joe climbed into bed with me.  Then?  Why then I bawled my eyes out to Joe.  You know, the hiccuping, gasping for breath crying jags that leave you feeling like a freak and are kind of worried that you might suffocate because then someone will have to TELL people how you died and then that's all people would be talking about at your funeral?  Yep.  THAT kind of crying jag.

Honestly, I felt so much better afterwards, but I knew that the true test would come this week...when life started happening again.

Last night Joe and I were on our way home and we ran into another neighbor.  This neighbor has a little girl who came over the night before Chassis died just to meet her.  Of course, this neighbor asked about the dog- seeing as how he hadn't seen Chassis in over a month.  Joe looked at me, made a sad face, and then squeezed my hand in support as I told the neighbor what happened.

I told him in plain words and waited for the wave of grief to hit me, just as it had before.  But it didn't.  I paused, thought about it, and realized that at least for that moment, I was okay. Of course I still missed her and of course the topic was sad, but it wasn't all consuming like it was on Friday morning.

Today, I woke up and ate a piece of string cheese because I was a bit hungry.  I had a double fiber english muffin (toasted) with peanut butter on top around 11 (because that's when I was hungry).  Even though my lunch hour is at noon, I followed the guidelines of mindful eating.  I even turned my chair around at my desk so I could stare out the window as I enjoyed the english muffin.

So at noon, I went to exchange the defective DVD to SuperMegaMart.  As soon as I got in the car, I thought "Oh!  Dairy Queen is RIGHT THERE.  I can have one! YAY!"

And then right on the heels of that thought, I paused and realized that I wasn't hungry for one. 

"But you CAN have one.  No one will know!  You've eaten mindfully the last few days.  Just go ahead and treat yourself!"  These were all the thoughts in my head.

And because I have given myself permission to have one if I really want one, I decided to NOT have one.  I knew that if I *really* wanted to have one at a later time, I could, but at that moment, I didn't really want one.

I exchanged the DVD and then came back to the lunchroom where I sat without any other distractions or people and ate a slice and a half of a medium leftover pizza.  Hoo boy was that tough (to eat without distractions).  But I did it.  When I was finished, I drank more water and then paused - asking myself if I was still hungry and if I needed to eat more.  I wasn't.  So I stopped.

Now I'm at my desk, feeling satisfied with not only the amount of food that I ate, but also the progress that I've made.

I'm taking a moment to pause and bask in this success.  Because as small as it is, it's one of the few moments of success I've had recently.

I'm pausing to realize that when I actually pay attention to how I feel and truly experience those feelings, I will and can make the best choice for me - mind, body, and soul.  And that is pretty exciting.

I'm a bit scared to hit "publish" because I know that this feeling and successful actions may not last.  I'm usually waiting for the other shoe to drop and bring me back down to failure (which in my mind, is my default setting). 

But I've decided to post it anyway.  I want to document the success that I've had.  Before I changed my subheadline to the "table" quote, it used to be "This is where I come to celebrate my successes and learn from my mistakes." 

Lord knows I publish my mistakes...and since this is definitely a success, I'm celebrating it, even if it doesn't last long.