Sticking with it

This past weekend, my younger sister and her fiance' flew into Denver for the annual Mile High Music Festival.

She and I have seen the Dave Matthews Band many times together, but this was the first where we brought our significant others.

We had a blast...I drank more than I typically do (which is to say that I drank SOME; I usually drink NONE), but for the most part I made great food choices.

Each morning at breakfast, I had what I really wanted and only as much as it took to fill me up.  For instance, one morning I had one egg, two slices of bacon, two strawberries, and wheat toast; a far cry from what I used to eat.

Saturday night, the first night of the festival, when faced with tons of carnival food, we all ate items from the vegetarian booth.  I had a spinach tortilla with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, feta cheese, and hummus.  They were stingy on the hummus and feta cheese...so basically, I had veggies wrapped in a tortilla.  But you know what?  It was wonderful.  My body was happy that I didn't weigh it down with the greasy burgers, brats, and other foods that just wouldn't have tasted good.

I slipped up that night and got a single scoop ice cream cone though.  I say that I slipped up because I didn't really want it - I just wanted something sweet.  In retrospect, I should've had one or part of the berry kabobs that my younger sister enjoyed instead (yes, it was drizzled with some milk and white chocolate). 

Sunday night I didn't do AS well as I did on Saturday night.  I ended up having a huge beer on an empty stomach and ended up getting a chicago style dog (lots of veggies on a hot dog) instead of the veggie wrap.  I did share a fruit kabob with Joe though, so that was at least better than the ice cream.

Dave Matthews Band - we were very close to the stage!

The thing is, when surrounded by people who are doing just about everything to excess, a part of me wanted to join along.  A part of me wanted to not miss out - as if not stuffing my face would be me missing out on the experience somehow.  I realized that it was absurd to feel the way that I did.  I pondered why I felt that way.  I still don't know why I felt that way.  But I knew what I should do.  All of these thoughts are the same as what I've had the last 12 weeks.  Typically, at this point, I'd indulge anyway.  But this time, I remembered the quote that resonated with me on Friday.

This weekend, it came down to will.  I have to be WILLING to do the work.  Even if I don't want to.  Even if I don't understand.  Even if my inner voice wants to rebel.  Even though I wanted to, and even though I didn't understand why I wanted to, I left that "not understanding but still wanting" to the side.  I was willing to do what I promised to do even though I didn't get the WHY involved.  What matters is that I didn't indulge to excess.  The rest of the stuff I can figure out when I'm not in the moment wanting to eat everything in sight.

I think I now understand that practicing mindful eating doesn't mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.  I still have to be willing to take the actions (like moving my body or NOT eating) that are necessary.  Mindful eating also doesn't mean that you have to be perfect...that you have to know WHY you want to stop or continue eating in order to do it "right."  Sometimes, I have to just trust the process and know that whatever feelings come up can be figured out later...for now, I just need to promise to stop eating when I'm not hungry.

I was the biggest person in our group.  It was evident in every picture.  But just when I started feeling a little bad that I was the fattest in the group, I realized that at this time two years ago, I was different.

In 2008, my younger sister flew up to visit me for the first Mile High Music Festival where we saw Dave Matthews...I had just started my weight loss journey - having joined Weight Watchers the Monday before she flew out.  I've lost almost over 50 pounds since then and have kept it off. 

I have changed.  And while these pictures (with me in the exact same shirt!) shows the external changes, there were many internal ones that needed to be made as well.

Being 50 pounds lighter made a huge difference in where I was able to walk and what I was able to do.  It may have been two years, but I remember the pain of dancing for just one night had on my body the next day.  This time?  I danced both nights.   Last time I worried who would see the fat girl dancing in the crowd.  This time?  I didn't care who noticed.  I felt great.

I may still have been the biggest person in our party, but I'm healthier than what I was before.  THAT matters.  THAT is still a success.

I AM willing to continue to choose better choices.  I AM willing to pass on foods that my body doesn't want.  And I'm willing to do the work that it will take to be healthier - mind, body, and soul.