Friday, August 6, 2010

Let's talk about POOP, Baby!

This is a circle of trust, right?  A circle where we can all be real and be our authentic, true selves?

Okay then.

I read on someone's blog recently this quote: Food is just food, and then it's poop.

Apparently, Allan coined that phrase... but it's totally and completely true.  When I read it, I laughed and then thought about how it's silly that something that we initially care so much about turns into something that we don't want anything to do with or even admit to.

Short aside: In David Sedaris's book, "Dress Your Family in Coudoroy and Denim" he talks about how his sister used to grunt while on the phone with him...and he always just assumed that she was opening up a jar of pickles or something...until she told him otherwise.  He was scarred for life.  Gross?  Yes.  Funny?  Also yes.  While I don't grunt on or off the phone, we thought this was funny and have decided that Joe is the only one who poops in our house; I open up jars of pickles. :)

My younger sister has never been over a size 10 in her life.  Sure, she has an awesome metabolism, but she also has a chronic case of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). So in her case, the above saying should be changed to be "Food is food but then Ohmygoodnessit'spooprightnow!"  She, in general, has poor eating habits, but her disease keeps her trim, thin, and lonely in bathrooms.

I, on the other hand feel like my body says "Food is food and then it's in your system for eleventy days and then it THINKS about being poop, but it probably never WILL be poop." 

So, what to do about it?


When I followed Weight Watchers, I learned that fiber was great.  The more fiber you eat in something, the fewer points it had, which meant that you got to eat more.  I liked that.  I didn't care about much beyond that.

But then I realized something awesome.  When I eat more fiber, things move.  And when things move, I feel amazing.  You know how good you feel after a sneeze or an orgasm?  I'm just saying...there are lots of kinds of release that feels awesome.  Fiber may not make you open jars more often but it makes opening the jar much easier.  Kind of like when you tap the edge of the top on the counter before opening it.

Here are a few of my favorite ways to get fiber in my system:

1) Fruits and veggies.  (duh)

2) Wheat Thins "Fiber Selects" - these have 5g of fiber in each serving and taste better (more salty, less sweet) than the Reduced Fat Wheat Thins.  For 13 crackers, you get 120 calories, 4.5g of fat, and 5g of fiber.  Plus, they're tasty.

3) Chocolate cupcakes. I haven't done this in a long time, but you can also take a package of chocolate cake mix (devil's food seems to work the best) and mix it with a can of pumpkin (not the seasoned kind...just regular canned pumpkin).  I're going to think that you should add other ingredients...but don't.  Just combine the dry mix with the canned pumpkin.  They'll be thicker than what you're used to, but don't worry.  Divvy them up in the muffin tins and cook them per the directions on the box.  When done, you can store them in the fridge and they taste marvelous cold.  When I did this, there was only one point per muffin (again, due to the fiber).  You can't taste the pumpkin at all and the cake is really moist.  All of the boyfriends I've had have loved these.

4) Fiber One Muffin Mix.  I actually take this a step further and mix one box of muffin mix with that can of pumpkin trick from above.  These come out slightly orange (as to be expected), but still don't taste like pumpkin.  I think the grams of fiber is about 18 billion, but you might want to check the side of the box. 

5) All Bran Fiber Drink Mix.  I'll be honest.  I haven't seen these in stores in a long time. But when you mix it with a bottle of water, it tastes awesome - a pink lemonde treat.  10 grams of fiber in each packet with only 20 calories and 0g of sugar.  I'm looking for a suitable replacement, so if you have any ideas, I'm all ears.

6) Oatmeal.  There's something about a filling meal of helps me feel satisfied on a lot of levels.  Joe eats the high fiber kind by Quaker Oats (little instant packages) and likes it just as much as the other instant flavors.

Now it's your a sister (or brother) out. 

What do you do on a regular (get it?  REGULAR?  I kill me) basis to keep things moving and feeling great? 

[Updated: I originally asked who wrote the poop phrase and Allan took credit...which sounded about right.  So I updated this post to give credit where credit is due.]


Allan said...

Yeah, that was me too.. I get blamed for everything in blog land

Happy Fun Pants said...

AWESOME! Thanks Allan! I'll give you credit! :)

Ginger said...

that is funny i was just talking to my mom this morning about having my morning poop. lol

i drink warm water with lemon and peppermint oil and it never fails

Karen@WaistingTime said...

What a funny post! This is quite a topic in my house, ever since my husband and I saw Dr. Oz on TV comparing "pickles." I eat a pretty low-carb diet so get most of my fiber from beans and veggies. Gotta love the beans - but be sure to get lots of water too, that is key. And just today, since you starting this whole topic, I noticed that carrots seem to, ahem, go right through me. So certain people have certain foods that can help things along that way too.

Sam said...

Heheh, you seriously just kill me! Anyway, I found this cereal with the organic stuff at my grocrey store that is the best! It's kind of like cracked wheat, but it's not just wheat. It's called Multi Grain w/ Flaxseed & Soy Hot Cereal. Anytime things ain't movin', I just eat it for breakfast. By about 10, I'm a happy camper!! :)

Jamie said...

My moms doctor told her that she needs to drink 8oz of water right when she gets out of bed give it a half an hour and then eat.

Vb said...


Janell said...

I don't have a fiber problem and can't eat any of the things you suggested any longer. But I like how your body holds onto poop for eleventy days...My sister is similar. I suffer in silence. (but deadly)

Food Addict said...

oh my gosh - pooping and orgasms - almost the same. haha, that made me laugh at loud.

I was actually thinking about doing a post about poop when I read this one... and another about poop TODAY! Poop must be in the minds.

My food also sits in my tummy FOREVER, I'm not sure what it does in there... but it's definitely not coming out as poop. I'm just always constipated (TMI-sorry, but you brought it on)... and as an emergency snack I eat frosted mini-wheats. They help me in the bathroom within the day!

Lanie Painie said...

I had quoted that comment from Allan on my blog too. It's pure genius and I love your take on it.

I also read David Sedaris and I still joke with BFF Mandy about opening pickle jars while we're on the phone - which is almost always!

Thanks for the tip on the pumpkin. Kiddo and I might make some muffins really soon!

TinaM said...

You're so funny, love reading your post :)

I find that cold cereal keeps me regular (with fat free skim milk, one of my favorites is multiGrain cheerios, but I like all kinds lol)
Also salads (romaine lettuce)
And yummy iced coffee, but that's not the healthiest suggestion I guess lol.

TinaM said...

OMGoodness! My 11 year old son just walked in telling me about his video game, and glanced at the screen. He saw "Let's talk about POOP, Baby!" and stopped talking, and got the biggest smile on his face!!! I just burst out laughing!!!! You made his night Anne! You have no idea what a feat that is to get him to stop talking about his video game either!!! :) Haha, I'm still laughing!!!

McCulley's said...

HAHAHAHA deep breath HAHAHAHA! Thanks that was great..Honestly I am the same way you are I find exercise helps me stay regular but lots and lots of fiber. I swear the older I get the worse it is!

Lala said...

omg, I love David Sedaris sooooo much! That pickles story was sooo great. I find that drinking enough water with the fiber makes a big difference.

Lala said...

oh, and those cupcakes look sooo awesome. I totally want to try them! Yums