Thursday, July 29, 2010

Second verse, same as the first...

Want a happy fun post?  Then skip this one.  No really.  Maybe the regular me will be back tomorrow...but what you get today?  Broken Down Fun Pants.

I'm eating too much; eating past the point of being no longer hungry.

I'm aware.

But I'm doing it anyway.

I try to think to myself: "What are you feeling?"  But that's so obscure.  The answer that comes back is, "I I want those cherries" or salad or almonds or....ANYTHING that I was about to eat.

I don't get it. 

I have great days that are "on plan" (on plan being days that I follow mindful eating practices/guidelines) and then days where I'm just NOT.

Mindful eating?  Give me a break.  Sometimes my mind is SUCH in another place that it's not like I'm even in the room with myself when I'm eating.  To clarify, I'm not binge eating.  But I am eating when I'm not hungry.

I don't want restrictions.  I don't want to worry all the time about my carbs, calories, points, or grams of protein.  I don't want limits and I don't want rules.  Also I want a pony.

Alright, I added that last one because I get it...I'm sounding whiny. And I'm being unrealistic.  I know.

The thing is, THAT is the circle that I'm trapped in.

Step 1: Realize you're hungry.
Step 2: Eat something.
Step 3: Realize you're still eating even though you're no longer hungry.
Step 4: Stop.  My "wise self" asks my "inner self"  WHAT she's feeling.
Step 5: My inner self shrugs and says something profound like, "I dunno."
Step 6: My wise self flips through her "How to be a Wise Self Instruction Manual" and can't find what to do in this situation...
Step 7: Inner self says something like, "I don't want to have rules right now.  Isn't that what this whole thing is about?  No rules?  So let's just eat now and figure it out later."
Step 8: Wise self and inner self eat together.


The cycle gets harder to break each time I allow myself to keep eating.  Whatever this uncomfortable feeling is that is prompting me to eat is being reinforced by my eating when I'm not hungry.

My secret that I don't want to tell you?  Pants are getting tighter.  So yes, I can avoid the scale, but the inches are creeping back on - albeit slowly.  I'm not up in my size of clothing or anything, but I KNOW that I'm bigger.  I'm just aware that I'm not the same size as I used to be. I can't explain it other than to say I am tangibly bigger. I just know it.

The harsh reality is that I'm slacking.  And I can't seem to find the motivation to not continue to slack.  Are rules of mindful eating too namby pamby?  Maybe.

As much as I'm want to say "My body just KNOWS what to do when I listen to it" and believe it, I think that I'm having a hard time re-listening to what my body knows to do.

So how do I listen to it again?  I mean, really? 

It's tough because not many of us are practicing this mindful eating approach.  And my two decades of dieting are telling me that this is proof that I can't trust myself and that I should just restrict again.  The thing is, I know I can do that (restrict, start counting calories, carbs or points) and the pounds WILL come off. 

But I want to break that cycle...the cycle of restricting because I'm upset about weight gain.  And then, when I'm smaller again, coming face first to this place - of having to question the WHY of it all again.  I know that restricting (and then losing weight) will mean that I'm fixing the symptoms without CURING the disease. 

And for the love of all that's holy, I want the disease to be cured.  I want to STOP worrying or thinking so much about eating (or not eating).  It's like if I were a sex addict, I would consider castration.  I mean, really.  I want the urge to control, count, weight, judge, or measure GONE.  I want everything associated with dieting to go away.

Now, instead of obsessing about points, calories, scales, weights, measures, or grams of anything I'm obsessing about WHY I want to eat.  I feel crazy because I eat and I don't know WHY. If I know why I can fix it, but I really don't know why. And believe me, I'm asking myself WHY.

So, the irony is that I'm still thinking of food and thinking about eating just as much as I was before.  The weeks when I first started were almost effortless.  The swarming thoughts about food and all of the ways to control it were gone. 

I want that back; the clarity.

I'm frustrated.  I'm weary.  And right now, I'm tired of writing about it. 

It's like I need to be re-booted from this cycle...but I can't find my reset button.

Any ideas or suggestions are VERY welcome... with one caveat - please, be gentle. 


Vb said...

Go Paleo. You have to eliminate all the offending things from your body. Otherwise, not even the best will power in the world will work.

Lanie Painie said...

Sounds like your Voice is speaking louder than your body. You've got to remember that the Voice isn't REAL. It's just BS reacting to stuff from your past. It's an obsolete program that still automatically runs at eating time. Push it away because it's sabatoging you. I know you can do this! I also know it's not easy because today I want to eat and eat and eat despite my lack of hunger. I have a sore throat. Feeding myself feels like being taken care of, but it's not. It's a lie and a trick to keep me fat forever. I'll eat when I'm hungry. maybe we can do it together? If two fat ladies push against one voice at a time, it I bet we can get more to join us!

Katy said...

You pretty much just summed up the past 2 months for me in this post. Mostly I'm weary, like you. I just want it all to be done. Counting, thinking, restricting, not restricting, reading etc...I'm sick of it all, yet I'm sick of being fat. Ohhhh the drama! Maybe we can ride our ponies together. I wish I had some advice, but I just don't. If you hear something that clicks, send it round my way.

Karen@WaistingTime said...

Huge HUG!!!!

I have felt much the same, except for the part about you eating without restrictions. I can't do that. I have really struggle the past few months and don't know why but I can tell you that when I get back home after this weekend trip I am going to get very, very serious. So how about you join me:) I am going to make a commitment for that week. I can do anything for a week. And hopefully that will be the re-boot for me.

TinaM said...

I'm glad you posted this, because we all have set backs. Your only human!!!

I have been feeling the same way lately, but I feel like I am starting over today... I can't tell you what my motivation is, because I don't know. I DO know that I lost it somehow, but now it's back. I think it was because I ordered out 3 days in a row and realize I could just gain ALL the weight back very easily. I have a long way to go, and I DON'T want to undo all my hard work!!!!

That would be my suggestion to you I guess. Think of how far you've come... you don't want to undo all of your hard work!!!!
Also, I haven't been getting on the treadmill, and I think that used to really help my motivation. So, more physical activity? If you can't run, maybe a pool or even just walking?

I hope you get out of this phase soon... and it is just a phase, you WILL get through it!!! You have the strength to over come whatever this is!!!!

SherRon, Shoes To Lose said...

Remember that you really can control what you eat. You may be feeling down, or blue, but your feelings don't put food in your mouth. Step away from the food and go for a walk, or to a movie, or somewhere you can be away from it.

Also, try on some old clothes. You'll feel great when you see how far you've come.

The Babe said...

Sweetie, it ain't just you. I get it. When people ask why I got a gastric bypass I tell them, "I just didn't have another diet left in me." 'Course the irony is that radically altering your body doesn't change the obsession.

I wish I had the answers for you and could waive my magic cookie--I mean, wand--and make it better. It just doesn't work like that. And every person who's had an addiction or a crutch or whatever it is for you has stood in your shoes.

Be gentle with yourself. It's human nature, and you will come back to yourself eventually.

Much love...

Jams said...

You know what? It's not easy... and I fear, unfortunately, that it never will be easy for some of us.

I think that some people are hard-wired to not think about food, etc. And some of us have it ingrained in us.

In truth, it gets easier every day. I don't know that it will ever BE easy though. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm rambling.

At any rate... I wish I knew how to tell you to push the restart button. For me, it's WW. I know that's not what you want though. So what I'll tell you is this:

I care about you. You are worthy and you are amazing. Remember that. You'll figure this out.

meleemistress said...

I don't know much about the mindful eating approach so I don't know if what I'm going to suggest fits in with the plan.

I've been having similar problems for the past week or so. Horrible cravings even though I wasn't hungry. Yesterday as an experiment I switched my mid-morning snack from a balance bar to almonds, and NO MORE CRAVINGS. It was magical.

I can certainly appreciate not wanting to count calories anymore or be worried about it. But you might try looking for some cause/effect relationships with the food you eat and the way you feel for the rest of the day.

I won't quite echo Vb's sentiment of Paleo, but I will say that the more sugar I cut, the easier it is to control cravings. And the key is to make changes to your earlier meals and snacks. Breakfast, pre-lunch snacking... try making those lower carb and see if that helps.

Good luck! And go easy on yourself. This is a learning process, and you're still learning how your body works. It's a setback, sure, but if you can gain information from it, it was worth it. Then it's a mistake you'll never make again.

Lesia said...

I need your input on my latest blog post can u go read it please. I love your

Lesia said...

Anne you made me cry. And that's ok. I love your comments on my blog. And the NEW WW rule is not that I can't go below more than 2 pounds. I can.

And I think the reason it made me cry is I could tell you really do care and I agree with you. I need to learn to relax and breathe.

This is the VERY first time I have ever lost weight and I am scared that I am not going to be happy until I see a perfect body. Which will never happen. So yes I need to start learning how to breathe and be happy with the new me. thank you so much. i love

kristi said...

I think the fact that you can put it into words is a great step towards your continuing success. Look how far you've come already!!

I had a bad week this week too... ate out a bunch, didn't track like I should and let me tell you... when I worked out last night I felt like crap! Not because of the workout itself, but because of the way the junk food made me feel while trying to exercise.

What about joining the BodyBugg program? I've found that seeing the numbers every day is working for me (we're nerdy math people!) Plus, there are a lot of supportive people on their forum too.

Or, you could sign up for a triathlon event like me and have that looming in the future that will remind you to eat healthy or make a fool of yourself. :)

headbandlady said...

I nominated you for The Versatile Blogger award, go to my blog to get the details....

Ginger said...

so sad to hear of your slump. i think you need to treat yourself and really find a happy place to where your body mind and spirit have gotten a boost.

Maggie said...

You're on the cusp of some new understanding. Just exhale and allow yourself to relax into this realization because it's right here.

I don't know what nugget is ready to be revealed to you, but I suspect it's a strong emotional insight, one that will free you to embrace your next chapter. It's hard here because it's uncharted territory. Let it be hard. You can handle it.

Give yourself over to your bigger process. This is something that you are passing through, rather like a train that's going through a tunnel. You'll come out on the other side soon.

Sam said...

Can I just say, I think you're amazing. In your struggles and on your highs - you're amazing! Also, I haven't forgotten about you! I'll be e-mailing you this week!

Here are my thoughts, and they are just that, mine. It doesn't mean that what I'm about to say should
or should not apply to you. It's just my thoughts, and you can do with them, what you like. (That may sound rude, but I hate it when people leave a comment and expect me to follow it just because they said it. Ultimately, you are your own person, and you have to do what is right for YOU. I just want to offer my perspective on things, in the slight chance that it may help.)

I don't know if you're a religous person or not, but I am. And when I was seving a mission for my church, people would often ask "If God loves us, why would he put restrictions on what we can and cannot do?" or "How would putting restictions on my life make me happier?". This would be my response to them, is that He knows that when we are living in sin, we cannot have happiness. But that by living as he has asked us to, we will be free from the consequences and pain that come from said sin. Okay, I totally did not mean this to be a sunday school lesson, but I think it's a good analogy for how I feel about the restriction thing. I know in my life, that if I live the commandments, I am happier. I know my boundaries and I don't have to wonder about them. It is actually freeing for me to know where I stand and to know what I will and won't do. For me, it's the same in my eating habits. I live WW because it gives me boundaries. I don't feel like it gives me restrictions, it actually frees me from having to think about it, because it's all there and thought out for me. And ultimately, I know that if I will live in those boundaries, then I will eventually get what I want. That doesn't mean that there aren't days that I live outside those boundaries - and when I do, I also have the negative consequences of doing so.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of listening to my body and eating mindfully. And eventually, that is where I hope that I will end up. Not because I don't want the restriction, but because I won't need it anymore. For example, one of the commandments is to not steal. As a child, we are all curious about this, it's dangerous and fun and daring... but as we grow older, we accept that doing something like that is just not appropriate, we learn to understand the consequences are not worth it, and eventually all desire for that is gone. So if someone told me that I could rob a bank, and would be gauranteed that I wouldn't get caught, it holds no interest for me. I think the same goes for this food thing. Right now, I'm in my learning stage. I do want bad things! I do want to over eat! So for me, I need those boundaries! But I think the longer I live this way, the longer I feel healthy, the day I'm able to finally have a baby, and teach that baby healthy habits - that some day long down the road, I'll no longer need to have specific boundaries. Because there will be things, I'm just no longer interested in. And at that point, I will listen to my body, and eat mindfully.

Okay, sorry, that was long. Like I said, just my opinion. You have to do what is right for you, and I truly hope and pray that you come out of this particular struggle stronger, and with a solid dedication to whatever direction you decide to go in! I have truly loved getting to know you and just love your humor, determination, and spunk! Keep it up girl!

Margie M. said...

I don't have any great or wise words of wisdom but I do know that I still think of food all the time. For me, I just try to eat simply and not get too fancy. Get into the kitchen...fix the meal and get out. If I get too fancy with my cooking and try new, great recipes I'm looking for disaster. Deprivation? Maybe. I know I am addicted to food and have issues with that. To think that even though I've lost weight I can go back to eating like a normal person isn't going to happen for me.

Your post was great and you really beared your soul. I hope you find some answers.